Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jewish

When To Note That Your Lawyer Is Jewish: An FAQ

When should I make special note of the fact that my attorney is Jewish?

When discussing him with your 26-year-old daughter Hannah, who is so so wonderful and beautiful and kind but just hasn’t found the right person, and here’s his number and you should just call him; I’ll pay for dinner if you go out with him.

When else?

That’s about it.

Nothing else?

I truly cannot think of another reason. Maybe if you’re recommending a friend go see him/her, but that friend is frightened by Jews.

Why would you recommend a Jewish lawyer to someone who didn’t like Jews?

No, the friend is fine with Jews, but they startle him. Like, “Ah! Jew!” but then everything’s cool.

That’s just odd.

This is what I’m saying. There’s no reason to mention your lawyer’s Judaism. Well, there’s one reason.

Which is?

You’re a fucking Anti-Semite.

Coming At Jew, LIve!

Go read this. It’s Armin Rosen writing for Tablet about the age-old Grateful Dead question: Why are there so many Jews up in here?  Can’t throw a rock at a Dead show without hitting a Jew, but you shouldn’t do that as it is a hate crime. Please do not throw rocks at Jews; it makes us sad.

Stop this.

I won’t. I’ll never advocate stoning Jews. I have principles.

You’re a carcass on a frontage road.

Nevertheless. TotD is quoted in the piece, alongside people with credentials who use their real names like big boys, and Armin gets at all the angles from the spiritual to the sociologic. My view is that Jews love smoking pot and going to college, and if you smoke enough pot and go to enough college, well: you’re gonna hear the Dead eventually. Others have actually intelligent things to say.

Go read.

The Ten Plagues

And THE LORD said to Moses, “I will inflict ten plagues upon Pharaoh and the Egyptians.”

And Moses said to THE LORD, “Why don’t you just teleport us somewhere else? Aren’t you the Lord?”

And THE LORD cleared His throat.

“Excuse me. Aren’t you THE LORD?”

“Better. Don’t question Me. I have a plan.”

And THE LORD sent down His first plague, which was that all the chewing gum became spicy.

Moses said, “Huh?”

And THE LORD said, “I’m warming up. Don’t want to blow My whole wad on the first plague.”

And Moses said nothing.

THE LORD sent down His second plague, which were frogs.

Moses said, “Frogs?”

THE LORD said, “Just you wait.”

And THE LORD made all the frogs very rude.

Moses said, “Does that count as one plague or two?”

THE LORD said, “Two.”

“Just checking.”

And THE LORD sent down His fourth plague, which were honeybees.

Moses said, “Not much of a plague. Honeybees are very useful.”

“Just you wait.”

“Again?”

And THE LORD made the honeybees libertarians, and gave them Twitter accounts.

“Okay, that’s a nightmare.”

“See? Trust in Me.”

And THE LORD sent down His sixth plague, which was that all the Egyptians got ice cream headaches, but since ice cream had not been invented yet, everyone was totally confused about what was happening.

At this point, Pharaoh was forced to address what was happening.

“The Globalists’ God sends fake plagues!” Pharaoh said.

And THE LORD sent down His seventh plague, which was that politics infested everything like locusts and everyone thought they were a comedian/legal expert.

Moses said, “That last one was a bit much.”

“Y’think?”

“People are losing their minds down here.”

“You have to unplug, Mo.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Self-care is important.”

“Noted.”

THE LORD heard Moses, and so His eighth plague was the water of the Nile turning into blood.

Moses said, “Honestly? Better than the last one. Much rather have a river of blood than all the politics.”

And THE LORD sent down His ninth plague, which was that the day became unto night, and the night became unto day, but everyone just flipped their sleep schedule around.

“I don’t know what You were thinking with that one.”

“I didn’t expect everyone to roll with it so quickly.”

“You made us very adaptable.”

“I’m a little impressed with all of you right now.”

“Humans are a hardy bunch.”

“Wait, I got something.”

And THE LORD did kill all the firstborn sons in the land.

“WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?”

“Too much?”

“YES! Way, way, way too much.”

“Well, I didn’t kill all the children.”

“Is that Your argument? That You didn’t kill every single child? Because that’s not a good argument.”

“Pharaoh said you could go! Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Not like this. This is pretty much the Jews’ Original Sin.”

“The primal scene?”

“As it were.”

“Then you should thank me. In 5,000 years, when you invent psychiatry, you’ll have something to talk about.”

“I can’t wait for the New Testament.”

“Maybe you’ll get to read it when you get to Israel, Moses.”

“Yeah?”

“Suuuuuure. You can trust Me.”

“Amen.”

“Me bless Me.”

An Incomplete List Of Jewish Gangsters

  • Putzy Weiner.
  • “Kid Dropper” Kaplan.
  • Floogy Mermelstein.
  • Brickbat Berg.
  • Hyman Roth.
  • Abraham “Two Feet” Schimmelweiss.
  • Whitey Teitelbaum.
  • Little Louie Livshitz.
  • Meyer Meyer.
  • Herschel “Clip-Clop” Bloom.
  • Mushy Greenbaum.
  • Waxey Flanken.
  • Otto “Abadaba” Berman.
  • “Jersey Jack” Greenspan.

Thoughts On Judaism Without Research

  • Oy.
  • I will get a lot wrong, and leave a lot out.
  • So many rules to learn, so many countries to be chased from.
  • The original Israel, Spain, Portugal, Germany, Austria, Poland, Russia, let’s just say all of Eastern Europe, Belgium, and the entire Middle East other than the new and improved Israel.
  • Those are the big ones: many other city-states and provinces and whatnot also threw the Jews out.
  • Although, you know: maybe we’re just blamable.
  • I’ve gotten ahead of myself, and become self-loathing; let us start at the beginning.
  • Picture it: 5000 years ago.
  • The Bronze Age.
  • Baby shoes everywhere.
  • There was a guy named Abraham.
  • Well, there actually wasn’t, or at least probably not: Abraham was a real person in the sense that Homer was a real person.
  • Abraham’s level of fictionality notwithstanding, the story is what matters.
  • “Abe. Abe. Wake up.”
  • “Five more minutes.”
  • “Minutes haven’t been invented yet. Get up.”
  • “Who are you?”
  • “God.”
  • “Which one?”
  • “We should talk.”
  • And so on.
  • Then God made Abraham slice off the tip of his dick and nearly kill his son.
  • A more cynical man might see God as a dick, or a YouTube prank personality.
  • There was begatting.
  • Pages and pages and pages of begatting.
  • Occasionally, angels wander into a town and are immediately raped to death by the entire town; this annoys God.
  • Other stuff happens: there are giants, and Esau is someone’s brother, and maybe Joseph and his coat of many colors, but there’s also a good possibility that the Joseph story is from a different holy book altogether.
  • King Solomon cuts a baby in half with a sword.
  • I did not pay attention in Hebrew school.
  • Then, Jews built the pyramids.
  • (This did not happen: there is not one shred of evidence to support Jews being slaves in Egypt.)
  • Luckily, Superman shows up.
  • Excuse me: Moses.
  • It’s easy to confuse them: they have the exact same origin story.
  • Moses was a community organizer, and he went to the Pharaoh and said “Let my people go.”
  • And the other Jews said, “Your people? We’re your people now?”
  • And “Who died and made you Pharaoh?”
  • And “This man does not speak for me. I have retained my own counsel.”
  • So Moses said, “Holy fuck, could you shut up for a second and let me deal with this?”
  • And the Jews said, “I should shut up? I should shut up? You got a lotta nerve, putz.”
  • That went on for most of the meeting.
  • At the end of the presentation, Pharaoh went “Myaaaah, myaaaah,” because he was Edward G. Robinson.
  • Moses, though, refused to take no for an answer, and went to God and asked him to help.
  • The next day, frogs fell from the sky.
  • “God, did you do that?”
  • “Of course.”
  • “Awesome. Perfect. The best. You are my guy.”
  • “I got one for tomorrow that’s gonna top it.”
  • “Don’t tell me, don’t tell me. I wanna be surprised.”
  • The next day.
  • “Did you see what I did?”
  • “Dude. Moses. Did you see what I did?”
  • “So many dead children.”
  • “Should I not have done that?”
  • “No. No, you should not have killed the children, man. The answer to the question ‘How many children should I kill?’ is always none.”
  • “Huh. Pharaoh didn’t respond to the frogs.”
  • “You could have escalated more gradually, I’m thinking. There are many steps in between raining frogs and a dead kid in every house.”
  • “Okay. Note taken. You live, you learn. I’ll do better next time. Fewer murders.”
  • “None is what you want.”
  • “I’ll shoot for none. None will be the goal. That’s the plan, none, but sometimes things turn into situations and the world ends up flooded or some shit.”
  • “You are a terrible God.”
  • “Y’know what, Abe? Suck my balls. Used to be a whole cadre of gods, now it’s just me. There’s a lot of work! I’m swamped, man. Used to be a god of weather, god of hunting, god of war, god of the sun: that’s all my responsibility now.”
  • “Wow.”
  • “Hold on: you’re God. The alpha and the omega. You are that You are.”
  • “True. I’m awesome.”
  • “Why didn’t you just make Pharaoh let us go?”
  • “How?”
  • “Psychic whammy-jammy? Telepathic deal, I guess.”
  • “Like Professor X?”
  • “Sure.”
  • “Completely did not occur to me.”
  • “Wow.”
  • “Could have murdered less.”
  • “Or not at all.”
  • “Probably would have turned a town into salad dressing or something.”
  • “You’ve got to work on this wrath, God.”
  • “I get real mellow in a few thousand years when I have a son.”
  • And so on.
  • Naturally, surrounded by frogs and dead children, Pharaoh tells the Jews to leave.
  • But then he turns around and sics his army on the fleeing Hebrews, which never made any sense, but makes for a good action scene; the Jews escape thanks to the power of rudimentary special effects.
  • They get lost.
  • And then Moses goes up a mountain, because all religious figures have to go up mountains, and brings back the Commandments, and then back to Israel but Moses doesn’t get to go into Israel because symbolism.
  • Several millennia followed, and the story of the Jewish people switches–gradually–from fiction to history until you get to today; Jews have lived all over the world, but today there are two distinct breeding groups: America and Israel, with the numbers split evenly.
  • Shockingly, there are disagreements of both the inter- and intra- variety.
  • We start with America because America is number one and fucking rules.
  • There are three varieties of American Judaism that act right (mostly), and then a bunch of jackasses in beaver hats making us all look bad.
  • There’s Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform; the first wear yarmulkes every day and go to their own schools and observe the Sabbath; the Conservatives have the fanciest temples; and Reform Jews are barely even trying and are pretty much just Protestants with a love for kugel.
  • There’s also a new sect called Reconstructionist, but the congregation is allowed to vote on stuff; that is some bullshit right there.
  • There’s no voting in religion.
  • Jews do not proselytize, and it is difficult–but not impossible–to convert.
  • None of that dunking your head in a river nonsense: there is homework involved.
  • These denominations get along, or at least pretend to in public, because each knows that fighting might expose the deepest secret of the non-fundamentalist American Jew.
  • Can’t read Hebrew.
  • Not a clue what’s in that Torah, the vast majority, maybe 90%.
  • Maybe they’ve read the English version, but it’s not the same: translations are to books what cover versions are to music.
  • It ain’t the same.
  • There is also a difference in keeping Kosher between the three groups: Orthodox Jews keep Kosher, Conservative Jews keep Kosher during Passover, and Reform Jews send their children to school with matzoh sandwiches during Passover just to keep up appearances but otherwise eat all the bacon-wrapped shrimp they want.
  • Passover is  a holiday celebrating the child-killing I alluded to earlier; there are other holidays: Sukkot, in which lunch is eaten outside for a week; Yom Kippor, in which lunch is not eaten at all; Purim, when cookies are eaten; Rosh Hashanah, which is Geddy Lee’s birthday; and Hanukkah, which sucks.
  • Christmas is just better.
  • Hanukkah is the GoBots to the Christmas’ Transformers.
  • Alternately, there are Jews who continue to take religion seriously.
  • They are worse than Hanukkah.
  • All ultra-religious people are terrible, but I take ultra-religious Jews personally.
  • Ultra-religious Jews are convinced they’re the real Jews, even though there’s a ton of splinter sects within the sect itself: Hasids and Satmars and Lubavitchers and Kaschka Varnishkas and others.
  • True Jews who wear beaver hats, just like they did in the Levant.
  • Religious scholarship is prized amongst the ultra-religious Jew, both here and in Israel: to study Torah is the highest calling.
  • The diamond and garment industries a close second and third.
  • Some might say that the Torah has been studied enough.
  • “Hey,” this hypothetical heretic might wonder, “hasn’t that book had the ever-loving fuck studied out of it? Maybe move on to a different book? How about Finnegan’s Wake? That book needs some studying; it is very hard to understand.”
  • But you shouldn’t say that a guy in a black suit in Williamsburg because he and his friends will spit on you.
  • Oh, the damage books have done.
  • That’s it for the American Jews, and when I say “America” I only mean three or four places: New York, South Florida, LA, Boston, and Chicago.
  • And pockets in other cities, but otherwise you could go three states without hitting a Jew.
  • And then there is Israel, which should be its own post.

לֹא תַקִּפוּ פְּאַת רֹאשְׁכֶם וְלֹא תַשְׁחִית אֵת פְּאַת זְקָנֶךָ

mickey mustache twirl 68

Hey, Snidely. Whatcha doing?

“Tying women to things.”

Railroad tracks.

“No. Other things.”

Whatever. Question.

“Shoot.”

What’s it like being the only Jew in the Grateful Dead?

“Simcha Torah is very lonely.”

Sure.

“I’m the only one who eats the hamentashen, so I get fat every year.”

Okay.

“Sometimes when Billy’s drinking, he’ll point out ovens to me.”

That’s crossing a line.

“Probably, yeah. Ya gotta remember: I’m not the Jewiest Jew that ever Jewed. I like the outdoors and blowing shit up and getting in fights: I’m more like an Israeli than a Jew.”

Non-Jews will not see the distinction.

“Fuck ’em. Although I did teach Phil about Kabbalah.”

What do you know about Kabbalah?

“Nothing. But Phil knows less. I tied some yarn around his wrist, slapped some bacon out of his hand, and charged him a grand.”

Nicely done.

“Oh, I also did a klezmer album, Keepin’ it Kosher with Mickey?”

How did it do?

“The album was never released.”

The people need to hear it.

“They probably don’t.”

No.

A Secret Of The Jews

All synagogues are the same: at the back of the stage (it’s called a bimah, but it’s a stage) is the Ark, which is a cubbyhole where the Torahs are kept. They are hidden by a little magic curtain, and when the Rabbi slides it open, everyone has to stand. Once, the pulley broke and the curtain was stuck at halfway open; we all had to crouch until it was fixed, and both the Schmocklemans collapsed.

Anyway, I said Torahs because–even though you only used one in a service–there was always more than one scroll. The temple would build a podium for them and if you were bored–and you were–you could pretend the Jews had a great showing in the Holy Book Olympics.

Except there were no rules about how many Torahs you could have, so the fancy-shmancy temples would have five and six Torahs. Some Rabbis worried about a Torah Gap.

And here is the secret: instead of seeing the Torah Race for the sad and scrabbling status game that it was, every Jew in the congregation was judging the fuck out of the Temple if it didn’t have enough Torahs. If you invited me to your Bar Mitzvah and it was a two-scroll shul, I would not even RSVP.

Now you know a secret about the Jews.

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