Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jimi hendrix (page 1 of 2)

My Guitar-Playing Friend

“Oh, hey, are we back at Woodstock?”

Stop it, Bobby.

“A lot of people don’t know this, but I spent most of that weekend with my best friend, Jimi Hendrix.”

That is not true. The Dead camped in a motel miles away and held the promoter up for more cash, then played terribly.

“I snuck off. Me and Jimi had a blast. Talked about the old days, engaged in free love, got disco fries.”

They had disco fries at Woodstock?

“No, but we had a helicopter.”

Sure.

“Much different vibe than the West Coast.”

How so?

“Longitude was off.”

Bobby, I need you stop fibbing. You didn’t hang out with Hendrix at Woodstock.

“Oh, yeah. Jammed with him a bit onstage.”

No.

“I was, uh, the black guy playing congas.”

Nope.

“Wailed on those suckers, man.”

Bobby, knock it off.

“Okay.”

Okay? Just like that?

“This is the last of these pictures that Spencer sent. Bit’s over.”

Oh.

“It wasn’t great.”

No, but now I have to think up something new. I hate that.

“Preaching to the fire, and into the frying pan.”

You understand me.

Row Jimi

Bobby, stop this.

“Don’t tell me who to be best friends with.”

These are manipulated photos that do not reflect reality.

“Reality is so often pliable.”

It’s truly not.

“This picture is from, uh, right before our first tour.”

Our?

“The Jimi and Bobby Best Friends Experience.”

Stop it.

“We’re opening for the Monkees. I’m, uh, surprised you haven’t heard of this. Famous rock and roll moment.”

Yes, it was, but you weren’t part of it.

“Those teens didn’t know what we were laying down. Monkees were real decent guys, though. Peter Tork let me try on his hat.”

None of this happened.

“Gotta tell ya: it was weird getting someone else’s leftovers in the Hostility Suite. Didn’t much care for it.”

I need you to stop telling these lies.

“Is this because Jimi’s black?”

No! It has nothing to do with that!

“Those exclamation points say different.”

I can’t do this any more.

“No one asked you to.”

True.

Third Stone From The Sunstroked Serenaders

“I told you we were best friends.”

Bobby, this is not a real picture.

“It’s a real friendship. We made each other bracelets.

This is literal fake news.

“Oh, no. This is, uh, Monterey. I’m the guy in the middle.”

I got that.

“And this is my best friend in the whole world, Jimi Hendrix.”

I recognize him.

“On my left.”

Right.

“No, left.”

I don’t wanna do this bit.

“And, uh, I think this is Brian Jones.”

It might be.

“People aren’t aware of this, but the Monterey Pop Festival had very few pixels.”

I see.

“But, you know, it was a much blurrier era.”

Bobby, this is not a real photo.

“No one can be sure of that.”

Spencer from the Comment Section can, seeing as how he made it.

“You ever met this fellow?”

Not in person, no.

“There you go. Could be an Editor of Time.”

A what?

“Imagine Photoshop, but for reality.”

Oh, let’s not make them a thing.

“Hey, Bobby baby. Who you talkin’ to?”

“Jimi, are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Oh, great. Usually I have to explain it, and it makes no sense.”

“I can dig it. Hey, is that Brian Jones?”

“Maybe?”

“I can’t make him out, either. Tell you what: put a woman within arm’s reach.”

“Sure.”

BOWL CUT SLAP!

“Yeah, that’s Brian.”

“Let’s ditch his bad vibes, Bobby baby, and go jam out and get freaky.”

“Okee-doke.”

“Headband?”

“No, I’m driving.”

More Musical Questions Answered

Who’s Zooming Who? First of all, Aretha: whom. You meant to ask “Who’s zooming whom?” Second: I think you’re using some kind of colloquial definition of “zooming” that I am not privy to. Zooming could mean almost anything. You’ve given me nothing to work with, and therefore I cannot answer this.

How Long Has This Been Going On? Okay, I am going to need all of you fuckers to be more specific. These pronouns are killing me. What’s “this,” Paul Carrack? Photosynthesis? If you’re asking how long photosynthesis has been going on, then the answer is “a very long time.” But if “this” refers to the fidget spinner fad, then I would say it’s been six months or so. But without more information, this song too remains a mystery.

Who Wrote The Book Of Love? Neruda, or maybe E.L. James.

Where Have All The Flowers Gone? It’s winter, Pete. They’ll be back in May. I can’t go through this with you every fucking January, man.

Are You Experienced? STOP BEING VAGUE, ASSHOLES. Experienced at what? Long-haul driving? Animal husbandry? Refrigerator repair? (Although knowing Hendrix, he was probably talking about headband-wearin’. Jimi wore the fuck out of headbands.)

Are You Lonesome Tonight? Little bit.

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window? The one with the waggly tail? I don’t know and quite honestly think you’re a monster for even considering buying an animal from a store. Rescue your pets, folks.*

Who Wears Short Shorts? Bobert Herbert Walker Weir.

Is She Really Going Out With Him? I can’t. I just can’t. Who is “she” and who is “him,” Joe Jackson? I don’t travel in your social circles, so I need more context.

How Soon Is Now? Oh, shut up, Morrissey.

Who’s That Girl? FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Are you pointing, Madonna? Are you pointing at a woman on the street? You need to be more forthcoming. Tell me who that girl is. Wait. Are you talking about Marlo Thomas? Holy shit, has Who’s That Girl been about Marlo Thomas all these years? Does Donahue know?

You Down With OPP? Yeah, you know me.

 

*You can buy fish from the store. I don’t think there are rescue fish.

He Got Around

Precarious?

“Yo.”

When were you in England?

“1968, apparently.”

A chair?

“Sturdy one.”

Great job. Aren’t you in the middle of something?

“Waiting on your sloppy ass.”

Oh, right.

Is John Mayer Experienced?

jm-jimi-hendrix-shirt

Where are you? And why are you in black and white?

“Backstage. And you know why I am in black and white.”

Are you sad?

“I’m a lot of things right now.”

Sore?

“Yes. Yes, sore. Muscles got used that don’t usually become involved during lovemaking.”

Lovemaking? That was not what that seemed like.

“Freddie Mercury is a charismatic man.”

I’m glad you got into it. Why are you backstage?

“I needed a minute.”

Sure. John?

“Yeah?”

Did he?

“What?”

Did he?

“What?”

Rock you?

“What?”

Rock you.

“Yeah.”

See? We have so much fun.

“We don’t, really. I just wanted–”

To take drugs and see a band. Yeah, yeah: everybody gets your motivation, John. What happened to your unicorn outfit?

“Laundry.”

Jesus, you just couldn’t wait to wash that thing, could you?

“No. No, no. It truly needed washing.”

Oh.

“Many stains.”

Sure.

“Pre-soaking right now.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“The Johnicorn.”

“Uh, hi. I’m, uh, looking for Jimi Tee-Shirt?”

“What? Bobby?”

“No, not Bobby.”

bobby-bob-shirt

“This is Bobby Tee-Shirt. I’d, uh, like to speak to my best friend, Jimi Tee-Shirt.”

“He’s not available.”

“Hey, cat! Is that my groovy friend Bobby Tee-Shirt? Slide me that telephone so we can rap!”

“None of this makes any sense.”

Oh, nothing makes any sense any more. At least my bullshit has jokes.

“Now all you have to do is make ’em funny.”

Sure, sure: keep digging your own grave. You have no idea how many people dressed up as Freddie Mercury to go to that show.

“A lot?”

You should start drinking.

“Dammit.”

Tabs I Need To Close

At least one of these suckers has been open for two weeks: I’ve rebooted my computer a bunch of times, and accidentally closed out my browser once or twice, but I keep resurrecting these damn links. The Enthusiasts might be interested, I say to myself, and then do nothing at all about that thought.

So: here’s a collection of all (possibly) of the Dead’s videos and filmed shows and whatnot in one easy-to-bookmark location.

And speaking of videos, here’s Jimi Hendrix with the Experience (a truly middling backup duo) at the Royal Albert Hall in February of ’69. You’ll note that the show used for Live/Dead was recorded around the same time; I’ll leave it up to you to decide which band could have blown which off the stage.

And, naturally, we end with a BBC documentary about Marty Feldman.

In Which Bobby And Sir Paul Reach A New Level Of Friendship, And, Finding That Level Defended, Fulfill Dreams Of Nerds Multitudinous In Varieties

lego paul hippie.jpg

“Bob, this is simply intolerable.”

“Oh, are we still doing this?”

“What?”

“Nothing. Listen, Ser Pounce–

“Close.”

“–you just have to go with what’s going. It’s what you call a process, right? I mean, you’ve got the event, right? But there’s the simultaneous journey through the event, in fact there are multiple journeys. In the quiet aftermath, we sum up those journeys, discarding the ones that don’t fit the narrative, and label what happened ‘the event.’ But, you know: it’s just people living their lives.”

“Well, that was rather nice, Bob.”

“Yeah, sure. Didn’t think it was gonna be at first, but it turned out all right.”

“Kind of like our friendship, Bob.”

“Uh-huh. We should be best friends.”

“I’d like that so much.”

“How could you do this to me, Bobby!”

lego jimi hendrix

“I thought I was your best friend, Bobby!”

“Aw, Jimi, don’t be this way.”

“You broke Jimi’s heart, baby! I was grateful for our friendship, but now it’s dead, man! You are not groovy!”

“I am so groovy.”

“No, Bobby. You used to be groovy, but you’re a backstabber, man. You’re a jive turkey!”

“Would you say ‘jive turkey?'”

“It didn’t sound right, man.”

“Yeah, no. You have any thoughts, Sir?”

“It jarred the ear a bit. Hey, Jimi!”

“Hi, Yoko.”

“Oh, COME ON! You were dead before John even met her! Bob, I have had enough of this and want to go home immediately.”

“You don’t wanna jam with Jimi and me a little bit?”

“That would be something, huh?”

“That would be an event, yeah.”

“We need a drummer, Bob.”

“I SHALL RULE THE DRUM THRONE WITH AN IRON FIST, WITH MY SON BY MY SIDE.”

lego_darth_vader

“Nope! I want to go home.”

“YOU WILL GO NOWHERE, YOKO. LET’S TRY DAYTRIPPER.”

“I truly regret becoming a part of this, Bob.”

“You should have heard Anderson Cooper whine.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Another Episode Of The Dead’s Amazon Show As Written By The Creators of HBO’s Vinyl

EXT: MONTEREY POP FESTIVAL – DAY

The Summer of Love! (We cannot refer to it as the Summer of Love for legal and financial reasons.)

We FOLLOW a large man through the crowd. His name is MACHO SCUNGILLI and he works for PASTICHE RECORDS. There are many people around him: HIPPIES and BEATNIKS and WHATEVER ELSE THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT CAN FIND.

Macho is wearing BELL BOTTOMS and FLOWERS IN HIS HAIR and a LEATHER BLAZER.

He stops a SKINNY BLACK GUY with a STRATOCASTER as he passes.

MACHO
Hey, lemme borrow that for a second.

Macho grabs the guitar and FLIPS IT OVER, pouring THE MOST COCAINE YOU’VE EVER SEEN onto it, even though it’s 1967.

He SCHNARFS the YAYO.

MACHO
HOOOooooo! That’s good yayo!
(…)
What’s your name, kid?

JIMI HENDRIX
My name’s Jimi Hendrix, mister.

MACHO
Have you met Bob Weir?

JIMI HENDRIX
No, but I have a feeling that when I do meet him,
we’ll be the best of friends.

AUDIO CUE: FOXEY LADY AS COVERED BY THE MILK CARTON KIDS

A TALL MAN with a STUPID HAT walks up.

MACHO
Hey, Papa John Phillips of The Mamas and
the Papas!

JOHN PHILLIPS
Hey, brother. Peace and love.

MACHO
Peace and love.

JIMI HENDRIX
Peace and love.

MACHO
This is what the past was like. Anyway, nice
catching up, but I have to go discover The Who.

EXT: ONSTAGE – NIGHT

Four ACTORS IN BAD WIGS are onstage wearing Who costumes. The GUY PLAYING KEITH MOON clearly does NOT KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE DRUMS. Also, The Who would not permit their songs to be used, it is a COVER of Substitute by NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL that sounds ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE, EXACTLY UNLIKE THE WHO.

The Who DESTROYS THEIR INSTRUMENTS because THAT’S WHAT THE VIEWERS EXPECT and then leave the stage.

MACHO
Holy shit, guys! That was some authenticity!

PETE TOWNSHEND, who is played by MICK JAGGER’S NEPHEW answers him in a TERRIBLE BRITISH ACCENT.

PETE TOWNSHEND
Thanks, Macho. But I’ve been feeling so constrained by
pop songs. I want to write something bigger. Something grand.

MACHO
You mean like a rock…opera?

PETE TOWNSHEND
A rock opera! That’s it! Once again, the guy from the record
company is the real hero of the story.

Behind him, Keith Moon DRIVES HIS CAR INTO A POOL.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE

JERRY GARCIA and BOB WEIR stand there, HOLDING THE WRONG GUITARS.

BOBBY
Jer?

GARCIA
Yeah, Bob?

BOBBY
I thought this show was about us.

GARCIA
Eh. Hollywood.

BOBBY
Ah.

GARCIA
Hey, who was that black guy you were playing with? That
guy could play, man.

BOBBY
Oh, that was Jimi Hendrix.

GARCIA
Cool.

BOBBY
He’s my new best friend.

GARCIA
Okay, Bob.

Behind them, KEITH MOON DRIVES ANOTHER CAR INTO ANOTHER POOL.

Lightning Round

Image result for dan rather bob“Bobby, this has been a blast.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“But before we go: lightning round.”

“Ooh. Love this game Okay: we going punch-for-punch or is there money on the line?”

“What?”

“Let’s play the feud!”

“Do you know what’s going on here, Bob?”

“Kinda.”

“Good enough. Lightning round. Here we go: Woodstock.”

“My good buddy.”

“Not the bird, the concert.”

“Muddy.”

“Egypt.”

“Sandy.”

“Pecan.”

“Also sandy.”

“Friend.”

“Jimi Hendrix.”

“Shoe.”

“Enemy.”

“Short.”

“Shorts.”

“Has Billy made a run at Katy Perry?”

“Two.”

“Always a pleasure, Bob.”

“I have no idea who you are.”

“Join the club.”

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