Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: john marmaduke dawson

I Said “No Pictures”

This is in Toronto, during the shit-dumb Festival Express that bankrupted a few hippies, enriched a few liquor store owners, and excreted a half-decent movie worth it if only for the scene of an unfathomably drunk-and-stoned Rick Danko, Marmaduke Dawson, Janis Joplin, and Garcia and Bobby wobbily circling through No More Cane on the Brazos. You’ve seen it, or you haven’t.

There. Now you have.

Anyway, this was 1970–long before the invention of security–and that doofus with the Nikon must have gotten up into Garcia’s face, unleashing the rarest Garcia of all: Scary Bear.

Legend has it that Garcia mauled and devoured the photog, but you can’t trust John Legend.

An Old Friend Weighs In


“John, thanks for coming on The Radio Gordo Show.”

“Oh, not you, too.”

“We’re live on SiriusXM, Channel 29.”

“Is that the Phish channel? The Dead has a channel to themselves, so I would assume that Phish does, as well.”

“No, it’s Jam On.”


“They play us a lot. Like, tons.”

“But also other bands, right? You share the channel with, say, String Cheese Whatevers?”


“Chris Robinson Brotherhood?”

“Yup, yup.”



“John, let’s take a call.”

“I don’t want to.”

“How are you, caller? We’re speaking to Ben, who is calling from a pay phone.”

“John, big fan. Have you thought about writing a book?”

“I know that gravelly voice. This isn’t Ben.”


“It’s Benjy, John.”

“Hi, Benjy.”

“You need to write a book! Well, not you. You need to get money for a book that I’ll write, and then give me some of the money and I’ll write the book and live with you.”

“What was that last part?”

“I’ll write the book.”

“Benjy, I’m very busy.”

“This will barely affect you: dictate two hundred pages of skank stories, and I’ll make up all the bullshit about your childhood,  and your inspirations, and all that other bullshit no one reads in rock star books.”

“How much of Billy’s book did you make up?”

“Everything that’s not fucking and fighting is me.”

“Wow. The Healy orgy true?”

“Oh, yeah. 100%. Taped it.”


“Yeah. I mean, Healy taped it, so it sounds like shit, but there’s a record. Billy made me listen to it.”

“What was that like?”

“Remember the part in Grizzly Man when Werner Herzog listens to the couple getting eaten? Like that, but with squishy noises and male grunting.”

“Ew. Benj, I love ya but I’m not hiring you.”

“Okay, put Mike on the phone.”

“Tell Benjy I’m not here.”

“Mike’s not here, Benjy.”

“Oh, I heard him. You two are jackasses.”


“Doesn’t Benjy usually get murdered?”

“Every time, Mike.”

“Let’s give it a second.”

“Guess not.”

“Yeah, wow. Okay. This is Radio Gordo. We’re back on SiriusXM with John Mayer, who’s backstage at the Phish concert hiding from characters both real and semi-fictional and also a ninja, tripping his ears off, and wearing a unicorn onsesie. John, why do you smell like mustache?”

“Sexually assaulted by Freddies Mercury.”

“I didn’t know that was the pluralization.”

“Neither did I, but I checked with William Safire.”

“Well, if anyone’s gonna know…”




“If you’re here, then who’s playing bass?”



“NO! This is NOT RIGHT! The smelly lady plays the drums!”

“Deal with it, Page.”


“Yeah, John?”

“Should you go do something about this?”

“Nah. I’m gonna let it happen.”


“Page is kinda on my shit list nowadays.”


“Don’t worry about it.”

Blood In The Water


“Hey! Left Shark!”


“No, the other shark panhandling at the intersection.”

“Dude, no need to be a dick. I’m just a shark in a bad situation and…are you Josh Meyers?”

“Sometimes. Listen: have you seen Katy?”

“This is a real nice RV, man.”


“Can you poop in it? I haven’t pooped indoors in a while.”

“Why does everyone want to take a shit in my car?”

“Who you looking for, man?”

“Katy Perry.”

“Katy? FUCK HER, maaaan! That bitch made me a lot of promises, maaan!”

“Simmer down, Left Shark.”



“She said she was gonna introduce me to Irving Azoff! I don’t even have a box to sleep in now! You know how homeless you are when you don’t even have a box, man!?”

“So, you haven’t seen her?”

“They took my kids away, man.”

“This was less helpful–”

“You got any pills? I’ll suck you for some pills.”

“–than I had hoped.”

“You could suck me if you want: just gotta get some pills.”




Play That Country Music, White Boy

new riders

Is it me, or does Garcia look like a tiny Andre the Giant in this pic?

St. Johnny B. Goode

bobby jerry new riders st johns jerusalem chapel kent 72

In the Torah, it is written, “Thou shalt celebrate the New Year with somewhat-dim photos of Garcia and Bobby playing acoustic guitar with the New Riders in St. John of Jerusalem Cathedral in Kent England.”

Admittedly, it’s a weird thing to find in a holy book, but let’s face it: it’s ain’t the goofiest statement in that book by a long shot.

%d bloggers like this: