Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: jon fishman

Get Your Stinking Hands Off Her, You Damn Dirty Drummer

The people online calling this adorable don’t understand guitar players or human body language. Trample Amplestample wants to headbutt Fishman and take back the Laser Duck.

An Old Friend Weighs In


“John, thanks for coming on The Radio Gordo Show.”

“Oh, not you, too.”

“We’re live on SiriusXM, Channel 29.”

“Is that the Phish channel? The Dead has a channel to themselves, so I would assume that Phish does, as well.”

“No, it’s Jam On.”


“They play us a lot. Like, tons.”

“But also other bands, right? You share the channel with, say, String Cheese Whatevers?”


“Chris Robinson Brotherhood?”

“Yup, yup.”



“John, let’s take a call.”

“I don’t want to.”

“How are you, caller? We’re speaking to Ben, who is calling from a pay phone.”

“John, big fan. Have you thought about writing a book?”

“I know that gravelly voice. This isn’t Ben.”


“It’s Benjy, John.”

“Hi, Benjy.”

“You need to write a book! Well, not you. You need to get money for a book that I’ll write, and then give me some of the money and I’ll write the book and live with you.”

“What was that last part?”

“I’ll write the book.”

“Benjy, I’m very busy.”

“This will barely affect you: dictate two hundred pages of skank stories, and I’ll make up all the bullshit about your childhood,  and your inspirations, and all that other bullshit no one reads in rock star books.”

“How much of Billy’s book did you make up?”

“Everything that’s not fucking and fighting is me.”

“Wow. The Healy orgy true?”

“Oh, yeah. 100%. Taped it.”


“Yeah. I mean, Healy taped it, so it sounds like shit, but there’s a record. Billy made me listen to it.”

“What was that like?”

“Remember the part in Grizzly Man when Werner Herzog listens to the couple getting eaten? Like that, but with squishy noises and male grunting.”

“Ew. Benj, I love ya but I’m not hiring you.”

“Okay, put Mike on the phone.”

“Tell Benjy I’m not here.”

“Mike’s not here, Benjy.”

“Oh, I heard him. You two are jackasses.”


“Doesn’t Benjy usually get murdered?”

“Every time, Mike.”

“Let’s give it a second.”

“Guess not.”

“Yeah, wow. Okay. This is Radio Gordo. We’re back on SiriusXM with John Mayer, who’s backstage at the Phish concert hiding from characters both real and semi-fictional and also a ninja, tripping his ears off, and wearing a unicorn onsesie. John, why do you smell like mustache?”

“Sexually assaulted by Freddies Mercury.”

“I didn’t know that was the pluralization.”

“Neither did I, but I checked with William Safire.”

“Well, if anyone’s gonna know…”




“If you’re here, then who’s playing bass?”



“NO! This is NOT RIGHT! The smelly lady plays the drums!”

“Deal with it, Page.”


“Yeah, John?”

“Should you go do something about this?”

“Nah. I’m gonna let it happen.”


“Page is kinda on my shit list nowadays.”


“Don’t worry about it.”

The Grand Delusion


“Trey, are those letters on the smelly lady’s dress?”

“No, Pagey. Those are just donuts.”

“I like donuts.”

“You sure do.”

“Too many makes my tummy hurt. And then I need the potty.”


“No, I need the potty.”

“Oh. It’s right over there, buddy. Do you need me to go with you?”

“I can do it! All by myself, I can do it!”

“Okay, okay.”

“Will you still be in Phish when I get back?”



“Trey, I can’t keep it up much longer. I’m gonna say something.”

“Fishman, you shut the fuck up or I’ll split your lip.”

“How long we gotta pretend we don’t know!?”

“When Page wants to tell us he’s not retarded, then he’ll tell us! It might be, like, psychologically damaging or something.”

“Dude, it’s not like waking a sleep-walker.”

“You’re actually supposed to wake sleep-walkers.”

“Oh, totally: they could fall down the fucking stairs.”

“Right? Such a stupid myth. Trey, I’m gonna say something.”


“Why not?”

“Fishman, have you ever seen Page’s contract? Didn’t you ever wonder why you got so much more than a quarter of the money?”


“I was trying to call his bluff! No one would ever sign what he signed unless…you know…but I’ll give it to the fucker: he commits to a lie.”

“Did he even read it?”

“Pretended that he didn’t, but I walked out of the room for a second and when I came back he was crying.”

“Sounds right.”

“Signed ’em, though.”


“So dummy up.”


“Hello, Trey! I love you, but I could not put my button back in my pants. Will you help?”

“Sure, buddy.”

“Hey, guys? Do I ever get to be a part of this?”

“No, Mike.”

“No, Mike.”

“Trey, the mean man is being mean again.”

“See what you did, Mike?”

“You ruin everything, Mike.”

Phish You


“Troy, question.”

“Sure, Bobby. What?”

“What song is this?”

“That we’re playing?”


“Playing in the Band. You wrote it.”

“No, it doesn’t go this fast.”

“Um, yeah, okay. The tempo’s speedy, sure.”

“Is the song being chased?”

“Um, no.”

“Then why is it going so fast?”

“We play fast, I guess.”

“You gotta luxuriate in a tune. I feel like I’m in a heavy mental band.”

“Oh, uh, I forgot to ask at soundcheck: how do you wanna go from the jam part back into the song part?”

“We were gonna fuck it up.”

“Oh, good. That’s how we used to do it.”

Truck, In

billy willy truckHey, Billy.

“Ass. Yo.”

Whatcha up to?

“Brainstorming over here. How about I slam Benjy’s hands in a convection oven?”


“Yeah, I guess. How about I put some C4 in one of those steamers you rent at the supermarket?”


“What if Mickey and me shove broomsticks up our ass and reverse-joust with each other for a half-hour?”

Fishman’s vacuum thing?

“I don’t get it, but the kids seem to love it.”

They’re on drugs.

“So are our fans.”


“Does he put his dick in it?”

Not onstage.

“But he’s fucked that vacuum, right?”

Oh, yeah. No doubt in my mind.

“I’ve fucked worse.”

Such as?

“Okay, I never fucked any appliances. You got me there.”

I think you should just be yourself, Billy.

“You’re probably right. Worked out this far, huh?”

Sure has.

“I’m still gonna slam Benjy’s hands in a convection oven.”

He deserves it, I’m sure.

“You have no idea.”

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