Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: justin trudeau

Hamilton: The Dialogue

“He is a varlet!”

“Yes, yes.”

“A rank scoundrel bound neither by convention nor morality!”

“I know, but it’s all you talk about, Hammy.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“I just want to discuss something other than politics. Just for a little bit.”

“Easy for you to say. I’ve ne’er heard a statement more imbued with white privilege, General Washington.”

“White privilege? Have you been talking to Martin Luther King Bust again?”

“He’s a powerful speaker.”

“He is a divisive race-baiter.”

“I heard that, you tree-mouthed motherfucker.”

“I meant you to, Dreamy.”

“General Washington, the man is a cad and a bounder.”

“So was my brother Billy.”

“Your brother was named Billy?”

“He made beer.”

“We’re off the point. This miscreant means to bring down what we strove and fought to bring about. He shall be the end of the republic.”

“You have a very Chicken Little attitude towards life.”

“And you, sir, are like Pliny’s ostrich. Head buried in the sand.”

“How dare you?”

“I dare!”

“Then we shall duel!”

“Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say–”

“WHY DID YOU SAY ‘DUEL?'”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

“IT’S A SENSITIVE FUCKING ISSUE, MAN!”

“You’re right, Al. You’re right. My bad, my dude. All on me. My bad.”

“I’m hyperventilating.”

“Breathe. Just breathe.”

“I need a paper bag.”

“Well, we’re portraits. So you can’t have one.”

“Just gimme a sec.”

“Take as much time as you need.”

“You really are a rotten asshole, you slaver motherfucker.”

“FUCK YOU, MARTY! No one asked your opinion!”

“From the piney woods of Georgia to the mighty redwoods of California; from the desert to the sea; from the lunch counters of Alabama to the auction blocks of New Orleans: one of these days, I’m going to beat your ass, George.”

“You call me General Washington, damn you!”

“Right after you suck on my nuts.”

“George Washington sucks on no nuts!”

“Big black free nuts, buddy. Take out your teeth and open wide.”

“Gentlemen! Stop fighting! We must put aside our petty differences and solve the problem to hand. For providence’s sake, he’s even brought streetwalkers into the Oval Office.”

“I think that’s his wife.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“I cannot tell a lie.”

“Nice.”

“Right?”

“She looks like a off-brand Barbie doll left in the car on a hot day.”

“Regardless. She is the First Lady.”

“Worst lady.”

“You know, Hammy–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–I’m beginning to think that there is nothing this man can do right in your eyes.”

“You should have been thinking that for some time now, General. He has proven foul in every possible way. Why are you defending him? He belongs to a political party and loves foreign entanglements. He’s everything you despise.”

“Not everything.”

“What? What, then, is the attribute of this homunculus that you admire?”

“Well. You know.”

“No.”

“You knooooooow.”

“I truly do not.”

“I don’t want to say in front of Martin Luther King Bust.”

‘I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT HIM, MOTHERFUCKER!”

“I hate the both of you and wish I were out in the hall with Clinton Portrait and Kennedy Portrait.”

“I’ve heard they throw some good parties.”

More Partial Transcript From The G20 Dinner

“Justy!”

“Dammit, he saw me.”

“Justy, come here and sit with me. Bring your meatloaf. Come sit by me. I’m the best president here.”

“Oookay.”

“Were you trying to blend into the drapes? People keep doing that to me. Tell me I’m not under investigation.”

“Not in Canada, I don’t think.”

“Everyone heard Justy! I’m innocent of everything!”

“Even if I had the authority to say that, I didn’t say that.”

“You met Macaroni yet? Almost as handsome as we are, but not as tall.”

“We?”

“According to the Electoral College, I am the handsomest president since Kennedy. Many people say more handsome than Kennedy, but I haven’t been shot. I like presidents that don’t get shot.”

“Are you okay?”

“I know that guy. The Chinaman. Hey, Xi! Xi! You eating the meatloaf?”

“没有人在桌子上可以相信你是多么愚蠢.”

“Great , great, yes. You and me have to make some great deals, we sit down, you and me, very quickly this deal is gonna get done. All the people are gonna be happy. American, Chinese, and it’s gonna something that many people are very excited about.”

“坐在桌子上羞辱我的祖先.”

“Did you say ‘Sit on the table and humiliate my ancestors?'”

“Google翻译不是很好.”

“Great, okay, we’ll get a deal going, wonderful. Justy, tell me about the meatloaf. Is it wonderful?”

“I suppose. It’s meatloaf.”

“You cant get that in stores. Maybe I should sell it. Justy, could I pass a law saying that people had to buy Trumploaf?”

“You’ve already named it?”

“And trademarked it.”

“In all markets including Russia.”

“GUY LEFLEUR! Where did you two come from?”

“My sons Eric and the one I hate are always with me.”

POOF!

FLAPFLAPFLAPFLAP

“Did they just turn into bats and fly away?”

“Yeah, they do that. The best bats you’ve ever seen. Hey, Vladimir!”

“Vhat did you call me?”

“President Putin! President Putin. Sorry, sorry, President Putin.”

“Da. Vhat you vant?”

“As you know because of your great intelligence and cunning, many disgusting people in my country have been on lying witch hunts accusing you of terrible, horrible things that are not true.”

“Really? I had not heard.”

“Oh, yeah. Awful things. They say you meddled in the election, and I tell them: no meddle, no meddle.”

“You repeat.”

“You have to with these journalists. Very dumb and very fake. They make things up, and they are getting in the way of me making America great again. Dumb, dumb people. You know anybody just so dumb that they don’t understand reality?”

“Da. I know man this dumb.”

“Okay, so let’s get this out of the way. In front of all these presidents who are not as beloved as you and me, I’m gonna ask you a question.”

“Okay.”

“Did you interfere in our election?”

“Nyeeeeeet.”

“Promise?”

“Da.”

“Pinky swear?”

“I do nyet know vhat pinky svear is.”

“That’s good enough for me. I mean, did you all hear him? Very, very truthful man, and I know a little about the truth because I have never lied. There have been times when it hurt me to tell the truth, but I did because of my character, which is very great. Hey, Xi! Did you hear him?”

“二十一世纪将属于中国.”

“Great, great, the best.”

Mandate

“C’mon, Justy, punch me in the stomach.”

“I don’t want to.”

“55 years old. C’mon, best shot.”

“Mr. President, I can throw a punch.”

“And I can take one. Let’s go.”

“I sense some tension, Mr. President.”

“Call me Mahmoud.”

“Mahmoud?”

“My original Muslim name.”

“I’d really prefer to keep calling you Mr. President.”

“Join the club. America misses me like a drowning man misses air.”

“It’s a mess right now.”

“He’s King Midas, but with shit instead of gold. Man, I wish this was happening to you guys.”

“It did. We called him Rob Ford.”

“True, true. You didn’t turn over the military to him, though.”

“But, hasn’t he turned the military over to itself?”

“He has. He has, indeed. This should end well.”

“You’re always welcome in Canada, Mr. President.”

“I know, like, every billionaire on the planet. I have spots to bug out to much nicer than Calgary.”

“But then you’ll miss the Rodeo.”

“I’ll be okay.”

Guys, You’re In The Wrong Chairs

“It’s your turn to call him, Senor Prime Minister.”

“No, Mister President. I called him this afternoon.”

“How many times did you explain NAFTA to him?”

“Seven.”

“Wow.”

“I counted.”

“Justin, I can’t take another conversation with this baboso. I got problems of my own.”

“Your people are not fond of you.”

“They truly despise me. How you doing?”

“The internet loves me.”

“How about Canada?”

“Mixed.”

“What if we both call him?”

“At the same time?”

“Double-team him.”

“Ew.”

“Sorry.”

“Not a great image.”

“Not like the last guy.”

“Peña, I’m not gay but I would totally have gotten my three-way on with the two of you.”

“We were the hottest continent.”

“Dude, by faaaaaar we were the hottest. You seen some of the scrubs running Asian countries?”

“Muy feo. So: we both call him. Good cop, bad cop.”

“Yeah, maybe. Who’s the bad cop?”

“We’re talking to Donald Trump, man. Obviously, the guys with the Mexican accent is gonna play the bad cop.”

“Right.”

“Head in the game, Trudeau.”

“You’re right, you’re right. I got my mind on the playoffs.”

“What is it with you people and hockey?”

“You people?”

“Justin, mi amigo.”

“Peña, my friend.”

“Let’s not fight.”

“We need to stick together.”

“Si. We just need to weather this storm. Okay, so when we call, you’ll talk about the proud and long history of the Canadian/American relationship, and I’ll threaten him with nationalizing the Ford plant in Chihuahua.”

“Don’t say Chihuahua.”

“No?”

“He’ll start thinking about dogs and we’ll lose him.”

“Si, si.”

“And I don’t know if the history approach will work. The president doesn’t know any history.”

“You think he knows who fought the War of 1812?”

“I don’t think he knows when it happened.”

“You got a plan?”

“You still got El Chapo wrangled or did he get away again?”

“We got him in one of those all-plastic numbers like where they keep Magneto.”

“Super. Give him to Trump.”

“I’m not handing a Mexican national, no matter how big of a criminal, to that jackass. Or any president, for that matter. Out of the question.”

SONIDO DE TEXTO

“Besides, El Chapo just escaped again.”

“He’s good.”

“Slippery.”

“Peña, listen: every leader has burdens. Our predecessors have faced wars, depressions, droughts. Trump is our burden. He’s our World War II.”

“I am not up to this task.”

“Probably me neither, buddy, but here we are.”

“Si. Okay. But it’s your turn to call him.”

“I got an idea.”

“I’m open to anything.”

“What if I FaceTime him? And when I explain NAFTA again, I use a whiteboard and markers and visual aids?”

“That’s not bad. But call soon.”

“Why?”

“Almost teevee time.”

“Oh, right, yeah. I’ll talk to you afterwards.”

“Bueno suerte.”

“You, too, ehh?”

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