Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: kim jong un (page 1 of 4)

Miles, In The Sky

That your car, Mr. Davis?

“No, motherfucker. There just happened to be a fucking Ferrari 275 in the middle of the park. I just found it.”

There’s no need for the sarcasm.

“Stop being so dumb, I’ll stop being so mean.”

Will you really?

“Probably not. I just don’t like you.”

Sure.

“Gotta drive a man’s car. Ferrari’s all right. Used to have a Mercedes. Always like to have a nice car. Gotta keep that shit clean, too. Wash it when it gets any dirt on it. Look fresh. Philly Joe Jones tried eating a slice of pizza in my car, I fired him.”

Seems a bit extreme.

“Nah, you didn’t know Philly. Let that motherfucker eat his pizza in my Mercedes, he’d be having fucking picnics in there a week later. N—-r couldn’t rest until he found the line and stepped over it.”

I guess.

“Did you just censor me, motherfucker?”

Mr. Davis, I’m just not comfortable with that word.

“Why not? White people invented it. Own your shit.”

I’m just not going to let you–

BANG!

–use that word no matter how many times you shoot at me.

“Bitch.”

That’s fine, for some reason.

“You ain’t scared of bitches; you scared of n—-rs.”

STOP THAT, PLEASE.

“Oh, wouldn’t want to make a white man uncomfortable. Worst crime there is.”

“You want me execute him, Obama?”

“This motherfucker again?”

“Who gave the Chinaman a jet plane? They can’t even fucking drive.”

Mr. Davis, I am begging you to dial back your horridness.

“Suck my dick.”

“Suck all dick, loser. Look at doily Kim got for head. Is best doily.”

Why are you here again?

“Never left. Kim always here. Watching. Smoking.”

“I’ll give the fat bastard that. Motherfucker loves his smokes.”

“Obama and Kim smoking buddies. Gave present, carton of Only Korean cigarettes.”

“I threw that shit out. Tasted like a cat’s asshole.”

“Yes. Contain cat.”

“Motherfucker, you let me smoke cat?”

“Father invent cat.”

Mr. Davis, please don’t–

BANG!

–shoot at the crazy person with the nukes.

“It okay. He only hit general. Got more.”

“I was aiming at that motherfucker. Just a warning shot.”

You’re not supposed to kill people with warning shots.

“That how warning shots work in Only Korea.”

“You heard the n—-r.”

I regret all of this.

Smokin’

“Look how good I fucking look.”

You look damn good, Mr. Davis.

BANG!

What was that for!?

“Don’t put your eyes on me like I’m a bitch.”

You literally told me to look at you.

“In a masculine way. You was all sissy-looking.”

I apologize, I guess. When is this? Late 40’s?”

“Round there. I made this date and they called it Birth of the Cool. All the white people got to hear what we were playing in New York when they wasn’t around. Downbeat called it hard bop or some dumb shit like that.”

What did you call it?

“Music, motherfucker.”

Sure. Is that a joint?

“Shit, no. Pall Mall cigarette. Never enjoyed marijuana. Makes you dopey. I prefer dope.”

Okay.

“People talk bad about heroin, but it makes a motherfucker feel good. Recorded some masterpieces when I was shooting dope. Also got my pants stolen a lot. Up and down time for me. Cocaine’s nice, too. Trick is that you just do a little bit. Small line every ten minutes. Do that all night and you’re good. Can’t be greedy.”

That sounds a bit greedy.

“Shut the fuck up.”

Okay.

“The smokes, though. Can’t beat them. Three or four packs a day, then you sweat out the tar while you’re playing.”

I don’t know if that’s how it works.

“Obama right. Sweat out cigarette, no get cancer.”

“Who the fuck is that?”

Goddammit.

“Smoke ’em if got ’em.”

“Who the fuck are you? I didn’t order no fucking Chinese food.”

“No be racist.”

“I’m gonna be fucking racist, motherfucker.”

“You change, Obama.”

INTENSE GLARING NOISE

“Stop looking Kim Jong-Un like that.”

“Or what, motherfucker?”

“I call you dotard.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“No know.”

“Hey, bitch.”

Me?

BANG!

Me. Uh, yes?

“What the fuck is going on here?”

Mr. Davis, are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?

“FATHER INVENT SEMI-FICTIONALITY!”

“Motherfucker, I knew I shouldn’t have talked to you.”

Everyone says that.

Every Breath You Take

You’re up early.

“Nah, fucker. Up late.”

What’s happened to you?

“Vacation Trixie is a fucking hellcat, bro. I’m raging.”

You’re taking a hike with your mom.

“It’s a family-oriented rage.”

How was the after-party?

“Party was wild. It was really a Jerry Tribute.”

Nitrous room?

“Nitrous room. I stay away from that shit, though.”

Good choice.

“I stuck with shrooms and cognac.”

Is that a good combination?

“It’s an active combination. Lotta things going on at once.”

Okay.

“Poured a little out for dad.”

That’s sweet.

“Then I lit a mattress on fire for him.”

Sweet in a different way, but still sweet.

“Ow. Someone’s flashing a light in my eyes from over there.”

Where?

“There!”

Are you pointing?

“Yes.”

Well, Trix, this is a dialogue-based form. I just can’t–

“Go and take care of it, dipshit.”

Yes, ma’am. Hey!

“Vhat?”

Oh, this is creepy.

“Is personal now. Putin develop feelings for Trixie Grateful.”

Dude, you back the fuck off.

“All is fair in love and var.”

That’s kind of your motto, isn’t it?

“Da. In Russian, but: da.”

Stay away from Trixie.

“Putin vill take her like Crimea.”

None of this is okay.

“I vill voo her.”

Voo?

“Nyet. Voo. I vill voo her. Putin vill pitch his voo.”

Ah.

“Do nyet make fun of accent.”

What could you possibly have to offer Trixie?

“Poland.”

You don’t have Poland.

“Give Putin two years.”

She doesn’t want Poland.

“Dacha on Black Sea.”

Not her thing.

“Condo in Trump Tower.”

Definitely not her thing.

“Maybe Putin send dick pic.”

Yeah, try that. I bet she’ll go for it.

“You think?”

Uh-huh.

“Putin vill take selfie of Russian meat. Must go fluff and…vhat is light flashing over there?”

Where?

“Ve should nyet repeat this joke.”

True.

“Putin see.”

“Kim see you, Snowball Dick.”

Goddammit.

I’m not okay with this.

“Hello, Fatty.”

“Hello, Baldy. See you found shirt.”

“Vhen you are not great big fatso, you valk around vithout shirt.”

“Keep up talk. After nuke America, maybe nuke you.”

“Kim Jong-Un went too far. Apologize.”

“Spaceeba. Vhy you here?”

“Jerry Tribute. Warren Haynes there, then I there.”

“Am burned out on Varren Haynes.”

“No talk bad about Warren.”

“Is enough vith him.”

“War-dog is man!”

SHUT UP the both of you. I need you out of America right now.

“Nyet.”

“Here to stay, Yankee Noodle.”

A Partial Transcript Of Today’s State Department Briefing, 8/9/17

“Good morning, everyone. My name’s Heather Nauert. I used to co-host Fox & Friends, and now I’m the spokesperson for the State Department because 2017 is a nightmare from which we cannot wake. Everyone all set? Let’s get this started. Bob?”

“Heather, the president said today that North Korea would face ‘fire and fury’ if it kept threatening us.”

“You’re taking President Trump out of context.”

“How so?”

“You didn’t do the hand thing.”

“Heather, what did the president mean?”

“It means he’s not a guff-taker, unlike some former presidents I can name who are black. Speaking of black presidents, if Obama didn’t want President Trump to start a war with North Korea, then why didn’t he start a war with North Korea? Ever ask yourself that, Bob?”

“I have not asked myself that question, no.”

“There you go. Gillian?”

“Heather, the president sent out a tweet saying that he ‘modernized and updated’ our nuclear arsenal. What did that mean?”

“It means what he said.”

“But it’s not true.”

“Then it was sarcasm.”

“So what you’re saying is that the President of the United States is tweeting out jokes about the nuclear weapons?”

“Weren’t you listening to me about 2017 being a nightmare? Jack?”

“Heather, are there any scenarios including nuclear first-strikes on the table?”

“Ugh. Nukes, nukes, nukes. You guys are boring.”

“Seriously?”

“I’d really love to talk about Mexico and all of its rapists.”

“Heather, the president is waving his ICBMs around like a flasher in the park and you’re surprised we want to ask you about it?”

“What about the 33,000 ICBMs that Hillary Clinton deleted?”

“What?”

“Exactly. Exactly, Jack. Sharon?”

“Heather, the president is threatening fire and fury, but the Secretary of State just claimed that the North Korean situation has not changed.”

“Yes.”

“Those two statements contradict one another.”

“Well, one of them will turn out to be true. Let’s give it a week or two and them circle back to your question.”

TWITTER NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Heather, Kim Jung-Un just sent out a tweet showing himself making love to what looks like a pumpkin with the president’s face on it.”

“Oh, that won’t go well.”

“Will the president…what’s that sound?”

SHA NA NA INTRO MUSIC NOISE

“Aaaaaaay! The Mooch is back! Heather, take five. I got this.”

HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL BEING PUSHED INTO BRA NOISE

“That’s for you.”

TUSH SLAPPING NOISE

“Now, get. This is man’s work, honey. Hey, Sharon! You get that dick pic I sent you?”

“I did, Mr. Scaramucci.”

“Mooch!”

“Do you even work here any–”

“Listen up, candytits. I’m here to report the real position of the Trump Administration. You got your cameras on?”

“Obviously.”

“Nice. Okay. Kim Jong-Un, you softboy cockslurper, I will fuck the undersides of your swaying man-boobs if you say another word about that beautiful, patriotic man I’m so proud to call the greatest president ever. You even understand how many nukes we got? OO-fah, so many. You can’t even count ’em. They’re like giant dicks, Kimmy Gibbler. And we’re gonna fuck you. They’re not aimed at Pingpong or Poopoo or whatever you call that ratshit city of yours. Nuh-uh. They’re pointed at your asshole, Kim. Uncle Sam’s gonna turn you out, bitch. Uncle Sam’s gonna be your daddy. You call The Mooch daddy now.”

“Mr. Scaramucci.”

“Mooch!”

“Is this really what’s passing for diplomacy nowadays?”

“Sharon, this is personal.”

“How?”

“I’m a dog-lover. Let’s leave it at that.”

“Wow.”

“It’s Korean barbecue time.”

SECURITY RUSHING IN NOISE

“There he is!”

“Mooch out!”

Furious, Style

“Only Korean Jenkins!”

“Yes, sir?”

“Fatty tweeting again.”

“How are you getting a signal in here?”

“Use general’s giant hats as WiFi antennas.”

“Good idea. What’s he babbling about now?”

“Says he fix nukes. Upgrade. Make nukes great again.”

“In six months? The American government couldn’t even assess their nukes in six months, let alone upgrade them.”

“Jenkins, I beginning to think Fatty is liar.”

“Yes, sir.”

COUNTERFEIT IPHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE

“He at it again.”

“Another tweet?”

“He call me Krazy Kim.”

“That’s kind of forced.”

“Is no Crooked Hillary.”

“How should we respond?”

“I troll.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Bring me pumpkin, blond wig, and boner medicine. We make GIF.”

“Are you sure, sir? This is how wars start.”

“Is not how wars start. Bring history book. Show me one war ever start like this. We through looking-glass here, Jenkins.”

“If you say so, sir.”

“Father invent looking-glass.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Get pumpkin. Find sexiest one.”

“Of course, sir.”

You Dropped A Guam On Me

“Only Korean Jenkins!”

“Yes, sir?”

“Where Guam? No can find Guam.”

“That’s a road map of Arizona, sir.”

“Have Arizona starved to death.”

“Yes, sir. Here’s the map you want.”

MAP UNFOLDING NOISE

“Is nice map. Father invent maps.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Guam here?”

“You’re pointing at the map’s index, sir.”

“Here?”

“You’re pointing at your crotch, sir.”

“Here?”

“Still your crotch, sir. This is Guam’s location, sir.”

“Middle of nowhere.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I nuke, I do favor.”

“Possibly, sir.”

“Gonna nuke so hard. What did Fatty say?”

“Something about fire and fury, sir.”

“He still on vacation?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Heh. I ruin Fatty’s vacation. Only Korea wins again.”

“Yes, sir.”

“He tweet?”

“Yes, sir. The thing about the fire and fury was a tweet.”

“Holy shit. Is just not appropriate.”

“No argument from me, sir.”

“Jenkins?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Only Korea will clap back.”

“Are you sure, sir?”

“Take picture of my butthole.”

“And put it on Twitter, sir?”

“Twitter for nerds and teenagers. Put butthole on the Gram.”

“Yes, sir. Any caption?”

“Poop emoji, Only Korean flag emoji, middle finger emoji.”

“I’ll get right on it, sir.”

The Return Of Josh Meyers

Ah, Christ.

“Heeeey, buddy.”

Summer kinda snuck up on me. Thought I had at least another Mayer-free month.

“Nah. I’m in the house. Summer of Douche!”

Fuck.

“You have no idea how many celebrity friends I’m gonna take selfies with, and the ridiculous interviews I’m gonna do, and OH MY GOD am I gonna Snapchat the fuck out of this tour. Got my outfits lined up. You and me, buddy.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I hate you.”

Yeah, yeah.

“John Mayer here.”

“I got celebrity friend, too, Hot Dog Dick.”

“Fuck.”

“Obama.”

“That is not President Obama.”

“You no recognize because he wear sunglasses. Is Obama.”

“I don’t want to go through another summer of this, and quite frankly I don’t think the readers want to, either.”

“Why you not in Jewish propaganda?”

“What?”

“Movie. Very long. Band plays song for hours and do drugs and die. You in band. Why you not in Jewish movie?”

“I think you’re talking about Long Strange Trip, and I also think I’m just going to ignore this entire line of inquiry.”

“Was good movie for Jewish movie.”

“Please stop.”

“Hot Dog Dick getting wrinkles in forehead.”

“I could pass for 36.”

“Oh, nooooo. White people show age. Is like white car. See dirt faster.”

“I’m gonna hang up on you.”

“Is okay. I got Obama now.”

“Not Obama.”

“We have all summer.”

“Motherfucker.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“What did I ever do to you?”

Besides the video with the pandas?

“Besides that.”

I’ll think of something. We got all summer, pretty boy.

“Fuuuuuuck.”

Josh Meyer’s Big Break

“Oh, shit.”

“Oh, fuck.”

“Oh, shit.”

John, why is Bobby running around the room cursing?

“He can’t find Elvis.”

OMG.

“Right?”

Elvis needs supervision at all times. He was alone literally once in his entire adult life and he ended up at the White House.

“Is that how that happened?”

Yeah. He ran away from home and flew around the country for a while by himself, and then decided to meet the president. He had his guys meet him in Washington.

“That’s amazing.”

It is. Why aren’t you helping Bobby find the King?

“You’re kidding me.”

What?

“NOW you want me in the storyline.”

Desperate times, etc.

“No.”

Please?

“Kiss my ass.”

Okay.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“You have, like, one trick.”

But it’s a good trick. Answer the phone.

“Asshole.”

“Alpha Phi gala, John Mayer speaking.”

“John, have you seen Elvis?”

“Benjy?”

“Yeah.”

“Where are you?”

“Still in Cuba. Did you know the Spanish word for ‘marijuana’ is also marijuana? That’s called a cognate.”

“No, it’s a loanword.”

“Let’s not argue about the parts of speech. You haven’t seen him?”

“No. He was at the bar with ’89 Garcia, and now he’s not.”

“Is ’89 Garcia missing, too?”

“No, he’s onstage jamming with Elvis.”

“You said Elvis was missing!”

“The other Elvis.”

“Okay. John, this isn’t good. Elvis can’t be left alone. He’s a people person.”

“I don’t care. Someone I won’t name who’s a lonely weirdo didn’t want me in the storyline.”

“Be a team player, bro. Help out, okay?”

“Ugh.”

“Have you been to Cuba? It’s fuckin’ awesome. You know what they call Cuban sandwiches down here?”

“Sandwiches?”

“Yeah, sandwiches. No modifier.”

“Makes sense.”

CALL WAITING NOISE

“Benjy, I’ll call you back.”

“Find Elvis!”

“No!”

“John Mayer, Sorority girl slayer.”

“What’s that now?”

“Nothing! Sorry, Bob. Just a joke.”

“Not a great one.”

“Where are you? I hear music. You’re not onstage. Wait. Where did Phil go?”

“Yeah, we ducked out for a sec. Can you find Elvis and also drive my wife–”

“Natasha Monster.”

“–home? Great. Good talk, Josh.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Oh, come ON!”

Hey, look: you’re in the storyline.

“I hate this universe.”

What if I told you that Hillary Clinton was president in it?

“Is she?”

Nah.

“Fucker. Selfie!”

What?

“Selfie.”

Ah. Just go find Elvis.

“I hate you.”

Understood. Hey, wait. Where’s Putin?

“Dude, he’s shitfaced and heckling ’89 Garcia and Wrong Elvis.”

What?

“You suck, Jerry Grateful!”

Jesus. Is that Medvedev? Where’d he come from?

“Is my Charlie Hodge. Brings Putin scarves and water and dead journalists. Play Freebird!”

Of course you’re that guy. John?

“Oh, what?”

I need you to do the following things: number one, get Vladimir Putin out of Bobby’s daughter’s charity function; two, find Elvis Presley; three, steal all the time machines back from ’85 Phil. You are the storyline now, pal. Main character. All your show.

“I’m not wearing the right clothes.”

You’re never wearing the right clothes. Just do this. Be the hero, John Mayer. You’re the Garcia now.”

“Hey! I’m in the room, y’know!”

“Sorry, ’89 Garcia! John? Buddy? Can you do this one for me?”

“Again: ugh. And how am I going to help? You’ve never let me have the Time Sheath.”

Gotcha covered.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“You’re the man.”

I am.

“John Mayer, hero of the storyline.”

“Dynamic duo back in action, Hot Dog Dick!”

“FUCK!”

“Kim Jong Un got Time Hat. Find hillbilly in cape. Save world.””

“Fuck.”

“Take best friend on adventure through history.”

“Fuck.”

“Father invent history.”

“Fuck.”

Smoking In The Girl’s Room

Still?

“I’m all in, man. Been living my life as The Hawk for a week now.”

Why?

“Honestly? I’m trying to see if there’s anything I can do that would stop me from getting laid.”

is there?

“Getting a tugger right now. Just out of frame.”

Wow.

“Tried it all: not showering, saying stupid shit in interviews, singing through my nose. Nothing.”

I feel bad for you.

“Yeah?”

CELL PHONE NOISE

No.

“Fucker.”

Good insult. Call Benjy and see if he’ll write you another one.

“Is that why you’re mad? Because I asked Benjy to be my writer and not you?”

I’m not mad.

CELL PHONE NOISE

Not mad at all.

“This pettiness is why you’re not successful.”

There are so many more reasons than that.

“Dick.”

“You’ve reached The Hawk’s nest.”

“You do character? No do character. No can take shtick.”

“Oh,  fuck.”

“Hello, hot dog dick. I back.”

“No one wanted you back.”

“I fan favorite.”

“You’re not.”

“Everyone miss Kim Jong-Un.”

“They don’t.”

“Why Josh Meyers tour not come to Only Korea?”

“Same reason I’m not going to South Florida.”

“You no like Jews?”

“No!”

“No Jews in Only Korea.”

“It’s not about the Jews.”

“Father invent Jews.”

“He didn’t.”

“You bring tour here. Play all your hit.”

“Hits.”

“Agree to disagree. Come Only Korea, Josh. I make up room for you. We have sleepover.”

“I don’t want to have a sleepover.”

“We play Nintendo in rumpus room.”

“No, thank you.”

“Make stuffed animal hump. Maybe trade hands.”

“What?”

“Trade hand. You use Kim hand. Kim use Josh hand. Go to work. Make feel good.”

“I don’t want to jerk you off, man.”

“No, no. Is not jerk me off. We jerk ourselves, but with each other hand. Is not gay.”

“Is gay.”

“Is not gay.”

“ISS PRETTY DAMN GAY, KIMMY GIBBLER.”

“Is no gay!”

“Hey, Elvis.”

“PASS.”

“Motherfucker.”

“I no talk to you, hillbilly. You ditch me in Vegas.”

“YOU WAS TALKIN’ CRAZY. COULDN’T UNNERSTAND A WORD YOU WAS SAYIN’.”

“No talk crazy! Was talking Korean!”

“YOU SAY CUH-RAZY, AH SAY KUH-REAN. SAME THING.”

“No same thing.”

“TELL IT T’ TH’ MARINES, BOY. NOW GET ON OUTTA THIS STORYLINE. THAT YOUNG MAN AH DO NOT CARE FOR WAS RIGHT. YOU AIN’T NO FAN FAVORITE. TH’ KING IS A FAN FAVORITE.”

“In small dose. You wear out welcome.”

“DON’T YOU GET META-REFERENTIAL ON ME, BOY! NOW, GIT!”

“You guy suck.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“CAN’T STAND THAT GUY, MAN. FAT, CRAZY, EV’RYBODY DOIN’ WHATEVER HE SAYS.”

“Um.”

“YOU STILL HERE?”

“Yeah, Elvis. Thanks for the help with Kim Jong–”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Motherfucker!”

You brought this on yourself, Hawk.

High-Level Diplomacy

“Goddamned heathens. Look at them.”

Mr. President, please.

“They’ve seen forks. I know they have.”

They’re just chopsticks, sir.

“I jam one of these up his nose, I take out his frontal lobe.”

Don’t do that.

“Of course not! Nixon is a master of diplomacy. I will radiate American strength, and if that means eating feet or lips or whatever this shit is with sticks: so be it. Nixon works for America, not for his own low urges.”

Good.

“I’d have these little bastards building a railroad if it was up to me.”

Sir.

“Kissinger’s in his glory. His people love Chinese food.”

True.

“There’s something about the Jewish soul that is incomplete.”

Stop talking.

“Never! Diplomacy, negotiation, back-and-forth: these are the ways the world keeps from burning. Even when we despise our conversational partners, we must talk to each other. Always keep talking. When open communication ceases, then rumor and paranoia fill the silence.”

That’s actually pretty good advice.

“You just need to remember that the person sitting across the table is a lying son-of-a-bitch.”

Also good advice. Are the Chinese onboard with your plan to annex the future?

“They’re all in. China is used to being the country of the future.”

Mr. President, aren’t you worried about the unexpected consequences of your actions?

“Of course, but I’ve foreseen all the possible outcomes. Played out the scenarios in my head. We will be victorious. Nixon, Elvis, the Chinese, a time machine: who can possibly interfere with our plans?

“I see you, Tricky Dicky.”

Goddammit, you’re back?

“I hear Trump in trouble, He my guy.”

I’m shocked to hear that.

“He steal my slogan.”

Which was?

“Make Only Korea Great Again.”

Doesn’t that imply that Only Korea is not currently great?

“Have slogan-writer and family executed.”

Wonderful. Stay out of this.

“I do what I want.”

Dammit.

Older posts
%d bloggers like this: