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Could LeBron Medal II: Winter Edition

The Winter Olympics! The ice! The snow! The kimchi! This quaternary’s Olympiad is being held in Pyeongchang, South Korea, which is a city you had never heard of before and will never think of again, except to say “Didn’t they have an Olympics there?” The Winter Olympics are just as much fun as the Summer Olympics, if you’re Scandinavian, or just a way to fill the empty days in between the Super Bowl and Spring Training if you’re anyone else. Either way: they’re happening. Yay.

During the last Games in Rio–you remember that bacteria-plagued nightmare of a fortnight–TotD asked the important question: Could LeBron James, if given six months of preparation, medal in Olympic sports?

Now, because I ran out of ideas at least a year ago, here’s the Winter Olympics version of Could LeBron Medal?

Alpine Skiing “Alpine” is European for “Downhill.” They just mean normal skiing, not that freak bullshit on level ground. You have to slalom through sticks. Very few skiers employ the snowplow method of ski placement. LeBron could not medal, and would also have to get special skis and poles made.

Biathlon What did you call LeBron James? Oh, biathlon. That’s okay. But it is cross-country skiing, which is anathema to any red-blooded American. If the Lord (Jesus) had intended us to slippy-slide on the snow like little sissies, then He would not have invented the snowmobile. Jesus would enjoy the shooting part of the biathlon, though. If the rules were changed to allow LeBron to fire an AR-15 from a moving snowmobile like an arctic drive-by, then he could medal. Otherwise, not happening.

Bobsled LeBron James could absolutely win a medal in the bobsled, and there is precedent:

That’s Edwin Moses (two gold medals in the 400 meter hurdles, ’76 and ’84), Herschel Walker (running back for the Cowboys and Vikings, among others), and Willie Gault (wide receiver for the Bears and Raiders). The white guy steered. Bobsled races are won or lost in the initial run, so in 1992 someone had the bright to hire the fastest humans in the country and let ’em ride. LeBron is not as fast as Edwin Moses, and he might not physically fit in the sled, but I believe he could medal.

Cross-Country Skiing LeBron ain’t doing that shit. How many times does LeBron have to tell you? Damn.

Curling The hand-eye coordination game? Yeah, LeBron could medal. But he’s only gonna be the bowler or pusher or whatever you call the guy who throws the thingamabob. LeBron will not sweep.

Figure Skating LeBron ain’t about that shit. Daaaaamn.

Freestyle Skiing This some white person bullshit, and LeBron thinks it might in fact be a trap. No medal.

Ice Hockey Goalie. LeBron plays goalie. All 6’7″, 300 pounds of him. Pros: he’s the size of a barn. Cons: five-hole the size of a barn door. Would get knocked out by the Finns in the second round. No medal.

Luge LeBron James has massive arms with 8,000 muscles apiece on them, and he could paddle his way out of the starting block like a greased rocket, plus his weight will shoot the luge down the course at the speed of light. Medal.

Nordic Combined Okay, LeBron is getting tired of your mess. LeBron ain’t going nowhere near “Nordic” anything. “Nordic” sounds tiki-torchy as hell, and LeBron is not gonna be involved with all that. Pass.

Short-Track Speed Skating How many strides would it take King James to circumnavigate the track? Three? Gold medal is guaranteed.

Skeleton Skeleton is luge, but reversed: you’re on your stomach going headfirst. No medal here, as aerodynamics is paramount, and booty is not your friend.

Ski Jumping That’s it. LeBron is leaving. Ski jumping? What the fuck is with white people? Why they gotta fling themselves off shit? White person sees a tall building, a bridge, a mountain, and his first thought is “I wanna fling myself off that motherfucker.” LeBron James ain’t jumping off a goddamned mountain. LeBron is leaving.

Snowboard LeBron?

Speed Skating LeBron? I think he really left.

The King And The Hillary

screen-shot-2016-11-06-at-9-05-55-pm

“Here! Take my wallet! Just don’t hurt me!”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“This is Hillary.”

“Bitch, Imma slap the pant off your suit.”

“Mr. President?”

barack-obama-holding-bat-while-on-phone-turkey-prime-minister

“That is LeBron motherfucking James, woman! My friend. MY friend. Not yours. You have no friends.”

“Huma Abedin is my friend.”

“And hasn’t she and her family been helpful? Last time, Hill: stop being weird around black people.”

“I am not weird around black people.”

“First time we met, you handed me your coat and told me to fetch you a gin & tonic.”

“Not in a weird way, though.”

“Hillary, listen to me. You’re on a hot streak right now. You’ve heard the best news a Clinton can ever hear, that you’re not being indicted.”

“Did you know that Bill and I have a special restaurant we go to on days it’s announced there wasn’t enough evidence to indict?”

“Regulars there, huh?”

“We’re like family with the owners. They let us store things in their freezer.”

“Meat?”

“Technically.”

“Jesus…”

“Mr. President, I want to thank you for all you’re doing. I see you’ve been trolling Donny.”

“Yeah, a little. I mean: c’mon, they took the guy’s Twitter away? In a race to control the largest military force the planet’s ever seen, not to mention the nuclear arsenal, and he can’t handle tweeting. Yeah, I was trolling him. Hill?”

“Uh-huh?’

“You’re blowing the guy out, right? The guy I was making fun of for getting internet-grounded? It’s a runaway victory, right?”

“Mr. President.”

“Oh, wait: no, it’s not. Neck and fucking neck. Maybe I was actually trolling myself. I don’t know anything any more.”

“Mr. President.”

“Swear to God, you could set the house on fire while you were watering the lawn.”

“Are you done?”

“Done? Am I done? Hillary, I was done months ago. Just wanted my victory lap. Bob Weir gets a victory lap. Did he pull the nation out of the Great Recession? No.”

“Your pity party is noted.”

“I have an app on my phone that launches drone strikes against American citizens, and I know your location. Keep up the backtalk.”

“You do love those drones.”

“Honestly? They’re gonna be the part of the job I miss the most. Once you have flying deathbots, you don’t see how you can live without them.”

“Sure. Can I go? I have to pretend I recognize people in the crowd and point at them.”

“That’s your move.”

“Shame I couldn’t put it on a hat.”

“Tragic. Listen, I don’t know why, but I did something else for you.”

“Eddie Vedder in Seattle?”

“Better.”

“Gloria Estefan, Jennifer Lopez, and Don Francisco in Miami?”

“Better.”

“No!”

“BRUUUUUUUUUUCE.”

“You’re shitting me!”

“Bringing his guitar. Gonna tell stories about his father, wear a vest, whole nine yards.”

“This is perfect! Wait. I’m a lock in Jersey.”

“Philly.”

“I’m gonna blow you.”

“Hard pass.”

“Offer’s on the table.”

“And so the hard pass will remain there, as well.”

“Bruce in Philly!”

“One of his first East Coast strongholds.”

“The Tower Theater in ’75.”

“Classic Bruce. Oh, and Jon Bon Jovi’s coming.”

“Yeah? Okay, whatever.”

“He was hanging out with Bruce when I called. It would have been weird not to invite him.”

“You told him he can’t do any new material, right?’

“It was understood. Hillary, keep your head down. Wave the flag. Hide behind the people who the crowds actually like. The worst thing you can do right now is anything at all. Do nothing.”

“Gotcha.”

“Save your energy for the impeachment.”

“Fuck you.”

“You two are such a fun couple.”

“First day in office, I’m sending you back to Kenya.”

Could LeBron James Medal?

ARCHERY Yes, definitely. LeBron James has superhuman hand-eye coordination, plus super-long arms with which he could just reach over and stick the arrow in the bullseye. Don’t discount his mental toughness.

BADMINTON Are you kidding me? King James rushes the net, which is somewhere around his knee, and dominates with his physicality; he would figure out the rules and scoring as the game went on. The only problem would be that LeBron would need to temper his mighty strength and not swing the racket so hard that the shuttlecock exploded every time he hit it. He would also have to stop laughing at the word “shuttlecock.”

BASKETBALL I think so.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL Huh, I wonder what would happen if an NBA player became a beach volleyballer?

wilt beach volleyball

Oh, right. Another gold for LeBron, and whoever he lets be his Scottie Pippen.

BOXING LeBron would not medal in boxing, as he is a man of peace and would not participate.

CANOE/KAYAK/SAILING/ALL THE OTHER BOAT BULLSHIT LeBron James grew up in Cleveland, which is on Lake Erie. Therefore, he is most likely a skilled watersportsman. (Not like R. Kelly. The wholesome kind.) And sailing is 95% being rich enough to afford the best boat and crew; LeBron is rich as shit. He would win these medals.

CYCLING Those seats hurt LeBron’s taint, and he would not cycle. No medal.

DIVING There’s a reason Tom Hardy and Greg Louganis weren’t 6’6″. No medal.

EQUESTRIAN There is also a reason jockeys aren’t 6’6″. He would need a Clydesdale, and I don’t think that’s a particularly graceful breed. No medal.

FENCING LeBron James is already a world-championship caliber fencer, and he holds private tournaments at his house twice a year; they’re the highlights of the fencing social season. The only reason LeBron hasn’t already won several gold medals (in all three classes: epee, sabre, and foil) is because of a promise he made to his dying fencing instructor.

FIELD HOCKEY Yes.

GOLF Also yes.

GYMNASTICS LeBron would win gold in the all-around, and silver in both the rings and pommel horse, except he is not about to be seen in public in that wack-ass tight leotard shit.

HANDBALL Are you kidding me? Send the Cavs to the handball tournament. No prep whatsoever. In fact: deliberately misinform them about the sport. They’d still win by a billion and five points.

JUDO/MODERN PENTATHLON/RUGBY LeBron is still technically human, and is reported to become weary just as the mortals do. Therefore, he would skip these sports to give his awesome muscles a rest. Rest assured, though: if he had two weeks to watch tape, then he could win the gold in all three of these sports. Also, these are rather foreign sports and LeBron holds them in low esteem.

SHOOTING A lengthy conference call involving the NBA, Disney, Nike, Gatorade, and several other multinational corporations decided that LeBron had a scheduling conflict that left him unable to be photographed with a rifle.

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING/SWIMMING Two days ago, LeBron James and his entourage entered the Aquatic Center; LeBron refused to take off his sunglasses or Beats by Dre headphones. If you hadn’t known him since childhood, you couldn’t see the head shake, and the shift in his shoulders that meant you were leaving. LeBron and his entourage exited the building, and he signed an autograph or two on the way out, but did not remove his headphones.

TABLE TENNIS/REGULAR TENNIS LeBron James is a master of all forms of tennis, and so large that he is his own doubles partner. Gold medals.

TRACK AND FIELD LeBron James is a master of both track and field. Many medals.

TRIATHLON If LeBron isn’t getting in the damn pool, what makes you think he’s getting in the damn ocean? That is pure foolishness. People with billion-dollar endorsement deals based in large part on their physical fitness do not go swimming in the waters off of Poopacabana. And let’s just dispense with the notion that King James is going to be part of any water polo bullshit.

WEIGHTLIFTING The weight room? You gonna talk about the weight room? Not the game! Not the game, the weight room? We’re talking about–not a game–the weight room? No medal.

WRESTLING Honestly? One of those Russian ogres would rip his arms off in five seconds. No medal.

OPENING AND CLOSING CEREMONIES LeBron James would be the best at both the Opening and Closing Ceremonies. Two medals.

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