Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: left shark

Phony Shark

“Duh-nuh.”

Stop that.

“DUH-NUH.”

Knock it off, Hurricane Shark.

“DUH-NUH DUH-NUH DADDLE-ODDLE-AHHHHH!”

You done?

“I’m eating up all the childrens.”

Fuck you for making me say this, but you are fake news.

“Noooooooo.”

Yes. You were photoshopped, like, a dozen years ago.

“Narrative.”

What?

“You’re pushing your biased narrative and putting people in danger.”

No one’s in danger because you don’t exist, Hurricane Shark.

“If I don’t exist, then why is my name capitalized? Checkmate.”

Not a checkmate. You are not real. There are no sharks on the Florida Turnpike.

“You’re right.”

Thank you.

“I’m on the Sawgrass Parkway.”

You are not. You are in the ocean like the rest of the sharks.

“Oh, keep us in our ghetto, huh? We’re fine in the ocean, but not living next to you?”

Yes.

“Wow. You hear that Jabby?”

Jabby?

“You talking shit?”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. I am not dealing with any fake sharks today. It’s September 11th and I have no power.

“That’s right, bitch. Sharks got the power now.”

I meant electricity.

“Don’t care what you meant. Me and Hurricane Shark gonna eat you.”

You won’t. Neither of you exist.

“You’re worse than PewDiePie.”

I’m not.

“Lefty!”

Oh, no.

“I’ll fuck you up, fucker.”

Goddammit, I am not in the mood for this right now.

“Have you talked to Katy lately? I got a call from an unlisted number and I think it was her.”

It wasn’t. She’s got more important things to deal with right now.

“What could be more important than me?”

Her single tanked.

“Shark tank?”

We’re done here.

Blood In The Water

img_3097

“Hey! Left Shark!”

“Me?”

“No, the other shark panhandling at the intersection.”

“Dude, no need to be a dick. I’m just a shark in a bad situation and…are you Josh Meyers?”

“Sometimes. Listen: have you seen Katy?”

“This is a real nice RV, man.”

“Earthroamer.”

“Can you poop in it? I haven’t pooped indoors in a while.”

“Why does everyone want to take a shit in my car?”

“Who you looking for, man?”

“Katy Perry.”

“Katy? FUCK HER, maaaan! That bitch made me a lot of promises, maaan!”

“Simmer down, Left Shark.”

“NO, MAN! SHE THREW ME UNDER THE BUS, MAN!”

“Dude–”

“She said she was gonna introduce me to Irving Azoff! I don’t even have a box to sleep in now! You know how homeless you are when you don’t even have a box, man!?”

“So, you haven’t seen her?”

“They took my kids away, man.”

“This was less helpful–”

“You got any pills? I’ll suck you for some pills.”

“–than I had hoped.”

“You could suck me if you want: just gotta get some pills.”

SCREEEEEEECH

VROOM

“Well, FUCK YOU, TOO, JOSH MEYERS.”

%d bloggers like this: