Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: leilani munter (page 1 of 2)

I’m Getting Too Racist For This Shit

“Hi, Will.”

“Lilian Monster! Nice to see you.”

“JEWS START THE WARS!”

“How are you?”

“Good, good. Saw you were doing Daytona.”

“THE IRISH ARE SECRET BLACKS!”

“Yeah! Had a little wreck.”

“Gotta shake and bake, Lil.”

“EVERYONE’S GETTING RAPED BY JIGABOOS!”

“I need me a John C. Reilly.”

Everyone needs a John C. Reilly.”

“OBAMA DID 9/11!”

“Do you hear something?”

“I do not, no.”

“POLACKS COME FROM MARS!”

“Good seeing you.”

“Same, same.”

An Increasingly Convoluted Happenstance

Aren’t you and Elvis supposed to be saving the world from Communism or something?

“That’s the plan, yeah. Waiting on him. Decided to come back to Daytona for a minute.”

Why?

“Enjoyed it.”

Yeah?

“Yup, yup.”

Bobby, please don’t use the Time Sheath to give Lillian Monster a do-over. We’re all unhappy she crashed, but this wanton use of time-altering devices is what got us here in the first place.

“Superman did it.”

And people are still mad at that part of the movie. It was very dumb.

“Admittedly, yeah, but there’s still precedent.”

Please don’t.

“She’s been moping around the house, man. Hasn’t told me she’s a vegan in a week.”

Oh, that’s not good.

“So, you know:  and then Elvis gets here, quick chrono-reset, and then, you know…whatever the hell is next.”

I advise against this.

“I’ll take your advice under advisement.”

“WE GOT OURSELVES ANOTHER DANG SITUATION!”

Oh, what now?

“Hey, Elvis.”

“YER DINGDONG BASS PLAYER DONE STOLE BACK THE TIME SCARF AN’–”

“HAIRY GARCIA!? WHAT HAPPENED T’ HAIRLESS GARCIA?”

“Okay, see: I am both of those people, but I’m actually not that person and also that’s the wrong name.”

“AH UNNERSTOOD NONE O’ THAT.”

“Yeah, but it’s all logical. Go check.”

“AIN’T NO REVERSE TO TH’ KING! AH GO FORWARD, MAN, OR SOMETIMES SIDE T’ SIDE, AN’ ALSO AH REST SOMETIMES.”

“Sweet ride.”

“YOU HAVE A JEWELER’S EYE, BOY. THIS HERE’S A PIECE O’ DETROIT STEEL MADE RIGHT IN MEMPHIS. AH CALL IT TH’ CHARIOT, HOW YOU LIKE THEM SWEET TITTIES?”

“Bike’s great, titties are great. All in, Elvis.”

“GOOD T’ HEAR.”

“Who’s your buddy?”

“THIS A HOBO AH PICKED UP ON MAH TRAVELS. IN CASE OF DINOSAUR ATTACK, AH PLANNED TO THROW THE VAGRANT TO TH’ BEAST.”

“Well, it’s good that you didn’t have to. I guess that means no more dinosaurs?”

“NO, THIS HERE’S TH’ NINTH HOBO AH’VE PICKED UP. REST ALL GOT ET UP.”

“Ah.”

Guys. I need both of you to concentrate. Elvis, what did you say about the Time Sheath–

“SCARF!”

“He calls it a scarf.”

–getting stolen by Phil?

“WHO?”

The bass player.

“The bass player.”

“YESSIR, THAT DRUNKEN FOOL DONE SNUCK INT’ MAH PRIVATE HOME AN’ STOLE AWAY WITH THE TIME SCARF. AN’ ALSO TH’ TIME CAPE. AN’ HE RUMMAGED THROUGH MAH MEDICINE CABINET SOMETHIN’ FIERCE. PLUS, HE MIGHTA STOLEN CHARLIE HODGE.”

Might have?

“CHARLIE HODGE COULDA ALSO GOTTEN ET BY TH’ STEGOSAURUS IN TH’ RACQUETBALL COURT.”

That thing’s still in there?

“WELL, WHY DON’ YOU TELL ME HOW T’ GET A 80-TON IGUANA OUTTA A RACQUETBALL COURT? WE DONE CALLED EV’RY EXTERMINATOR IN TOWN.”

They all refused?

“THEY ALL GOT ET!”

We need to stay on topic. You have a habit of digressing.

“MAH MIND WANDERS LIKE A PROPHET.”

Phil—the bass player–has all the time machines?

“AN’ AH BELIEVE HE STOLE A HAM FROM ME.”

The ham is not important.

“AH HAD MAH MOUTH ALL FIXED FOR IT.”

Forget about the ham.

“GONNA HAVE MISS MARY COVER IT UP WITH MAGIC SHELL. THAT CHOCOLATE STUFF GETS ALL HARD, MAN? THASS A DANG MIRACLE. COMES OUT SOFT, GETS HARD. LIKE IF A BONER WAS DELICIOUS.

“I agree. You can’t beat Magic Shell.”

Bobby, I forgot you were here.

“Elvis draws a lot of attention.”

“AH AM A SPECTACLE.”

So, neither of you has any sort of time machine?

“Nope.”

“AH DO NOT. LEMME ASK TH’ HOBO.”

“HE DOES NOT.”

Great. You two are useless. I’ll handle this.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“This is Phil Lesh of the Grateful Dead.”

Give back the Time Sheath; give back the Time Cape; you can keep the ham.

“You got the wrong guy.”

You just said you were Phil Lesh.

“I’m Phil from ’95.”

Dammit. I misdialed. Sorry.

“You looking for ’78 me? He owes me $20.”

’85 version.

“What did that drunken jackass do now?”

Stole a couple time machines.

“And a ham?”

And a ham.

“Not my problem.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

Burn Down The Indy, Gas The Daytona

You cause a commotion everywhere you go.

“I’m like Oprah.”

Not really.

“I feel like Oprah.”

You shouldn’t.

“Question.”

Shoot.

“Car’s vegan powered?”

Yes.

“How do they get the vegans in the fuel tank?”

I don’t think that’s what that means.

“And, you know, once the vegans are in the tank, then how do they tell people that they’re vegans?”

You’re completely misunderstanding this. The gas is made out of plant material.

“Are we talking about tofu farts?”

No.

“Cuz I love my sister-in-law, but after a couple helpings of quinoaloaf, she could clear out the room.”

Car doesn’t run on any kind of farts, Bobby.

“Well, then: what the hell does it run on?”

You can make gas out of corn or wheat or rice or bacteria or whatever. It’s just nowhere near as efficient as the gas made from dinosaurs.

“Huh. Why don’t you just use an electric car?”

You should. Internal combustion engines are 150 year old technology. But it’s a race. There’s rules.

“Sure, yeah, rules. Save your blue shell for when you really need it.”

You’re thinking about Mario Kart, Bobby.

“I may or may not have little to no idea what’s going on.”

Me, either.

Can you get up?

“If I wanted to.”

Okay.

The Race Is On

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“I dunno if you’ve ever met my sister-in-law–”

Lillian Monster.

“–Lillian Monster, but she’s a race car driver.”

I’ve heard.

“And, uh, she’s driving in Daytona. So, you know, I came down with the family. Met some nice people. I kept thinking I saw Billy all day.”

Why?

“Red baseball caps.”

Different kind of hat.

“I’ll say. This is, uh, not a Dead crowd. I don’t know if it’s the opposite, but it’s close. Lots of folks real sad about Sweden.”

Sure. You a racing fan at all?

“I’ve seen Cannonball Run a dozen times.”

Good enough.

“Just giving Lillian and her car a little bit of luck.”

The ol’ slap-a-Stealie-on-it routine?

“Well, think of it this way: if she doesn’t win, then she can still sell her car to Jim Irsay.”

Good thinking. Isn’t she worried that she’ll get pulled over with that sticker?

“I got a Jesus fish in my back pocket. Gonna stick it right next to the Stealie.”

Smart.

“I got my moments.”

Watch What Happens Live/Dead 3

bobby andy cohen bravo

“I left my body in Egypt, Alan.”

“Andy.”

“We were playing poorly and I was looking at the moon. And, you know: it was a very foreign moon. Meant something. And I kinda went towards it, up, maybe twelve feet. Right about eye level with Walton.”

“Bill Walton, who is very famous.”

“Sure, great guy. And I’m, you know, levitating and I see the future and the past. Also sideways a little bit. Anyway: that was a big one. Not that rare, though, the out-of-body experiences.”

“What do you mean, Bob?”

“I lapse in and out of total consciousness four or five times a day.”

“Wow.”

“I’ve watched myself shower quite a bit.”

“Bobby, let’s take a call.”

“This is a call-in show? Oh, okay. Great. Let’s give out some sex advice.”

“It’s not Loveline, Bob.”

“Here’s Bob Weir’s number one sex tip: have a roadie guard the door.”

“Okay. We have our first caller. From Mount Tamalpais, California. Lillian, are you there?”

“WE DEMAND VEGAN TALK SHOWS!”

“Hey, sis. Artie–”

“Nope.”

“–this is my sister-in-law, Lillian Monster.”

“SOLAR POWERED CAMERAS NOW!”

“Is she holding a bullhorn up to her phone?”

“Almost certainly.”

I Don’t Know Where You’ve Been, Bob Weir, But It Seems You’ve Won First Prize

IMG_4585

“Bob Weir, on behalf of the Les Paul Foundation, we would like to present to with the first annual Spirit Award. It couldn’t have gone to a better person.”

“Is that bacon? Because–”

“MEAT IS MURDER!”

“–I really can’t do bacon in public.”

“Do you know that woman, Bob?”

“Well, can you ever really know anyone?”

“THERE’S NOTHING SUPER ABOUT A SUPER-DELEGATE!”

“You’re killing me, Lillian.”

Preaching To The Choiroo

leilani crowd bonnaroo

“MENTION SEAWORLD!”

“Lillian Monster, I’m gonna talk about the Orlando thing and all the assholes and all that.”

“WHAT ABOUT VEGAN RECIPES?”

“I wanna stay on topic, I think. Gonna tell people to vote.”

“BERNIE!”

“Just, you know, just ‘to vote’ is gonna be the message, sis. Any chance you could put the bullhorn down?”

“MICKEY ASKED ME TO USE IT!”

“She’s the only person I can hear, Bob.”

“When did I become the grown-up?”

A Baby Giraffe Is Called A Baby Giraffe

leilani giraffes africa

Hey, giraffe. Whatcha doing?

“Standing in a field. Looking.”

Cool.

“Gonna eat leaves in a bit.”

Nice. That your kid?

“No, I’m babysitting.”

Giraffes babysit?

“Of course not, schmuck. Obviously, it’s my kid. He’s just like his father.”

That’s good.

“It’s not. His father is an arsonist.”

That’s bad.

“I have no idea where he’s getting the matches from. Or how he’s lighting them.”

It’s all confusing.

“You try to raise them right, but they do what they want.”

Maybe his father could talk a little sense into the firebug.

“We didn’t have much of a relationship. All I know about his father is that he beat the crap out of the other males, jumped on top of me and spasmed, then ran off awkwardly.”

And the fires.

“Yeah, and the fires. I just heard about that, though. Never seen it.”

Oh.

“Luckily, hearsay is admissible in giraffe court.”

That sounds made up.

“Which part?”

The whole sentence.

“Eh. It’s kinda boring out here, y’know? Gotta amuse yourself.”

How about a hobby?

“Tell you the truth, there’s not enough time. How long each day do you eat?”

Like, the physical act?

“Procuring, preparing, and consuming your life-giving calories, yeah.”

Hour a day? On average, I guess, if you amortize the shopping trip over the whole week. Probably less than an hour, but let’s call it an hour.

“Yeah. We eat more than that.”

Why?

“It turns out that leaves are the shittiest food on the planet. Virtually devoid of nutritional value. Gotta eat hundred of pounds of ’em a day, and then digest ’em two or three times.”

You should eat something else.

“We ordered a pizza once.”

What happened?

“Lion intercepted the delivery.”

Ate the pizza?

“Ate the delivery guy.”

Oh.

“Now, Domino’s won’t come back to the neighborhood.”

That’s probably a blessing in disguise.

Yass, Lion Queen

leilani lioness africa

Hey, Lioness. Whatcha doing?

“Huh? ‘Lioness?’ You’re still doing that?”

What?

“I get that ‘ess’ at the end of my name because I’m, what, dainty? Am I a pretty little princess kitty?”

No. You’re scary as hell.

“Lady that took this picture: what does she do?”

Racecar driver.

“Not a racecar driveress?”

No, but you’re an animal.

“Ah. Like rhinos and rhinesses? And horses and horsettes?”

You might have a point.

“Fuck your equivocation. I’m right. And, you have no say in the matter about what I call myself.”

All right, all right.

“Put some respect on my name.”

Fine. Lemme ask you something: is hunting tough?

“I got a .200 batting average and I’m a freaking lion. It is SO hard.”

Really? What about it?

“Antelope are fast.”

What else?

“What else do you need? Tasty little fuckers got some get-up-and-go. From standing still to a dead sprint in half-a-second. Then they run that ziggity-zag on you: it’ll make your head spin.”

What about zebras?

“What about them?”

Are they easier to catch than antelope?

“Nothing’s easy. It’s nature.”

Sure.

“You couldn’t do it.”

Sure, I could. I’d bring a gun.

“What if you didn’t have a gun?”

Then I could not do it.

“Right. It’s a tough gig. Plus, there’s male lions to deal with.”

Mean?

“Vain. Always with the hair. ‘Is it thinning a little in the back?’ All day and night. Then he climbs on you for five seconds and starts roaring like he works for MGM.

That sounds annoying.

“Well, he sleeps eighteen hours a day, so you get a break.”

Eighteen hours? That’s a lot. Is he depressed?

“He’s a cat.”

Right.

Can’t Keep A Good Benjy Down

IMG_4422

Benjy’s in the house, Sammy’s in the band, and my Instagram is nothing but Dead bullshit. Also, Australian fitness models, but that’s only because I can’t figure out how to unfollow them.

Also: just to show there were no hard feelings, Billy murdered Benjy after the show. Used a bow and arrow.

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