Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: leilani munter (page 2 of 2)

Eating In The Tall Trees

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Hey, giraffe. Whatcha doing?

“Eating, being tall.”

You’re good at that.

“That’s it, though. Everything else is a mess. Ever seen one of us run?”

Ungainly.

“Like an epileptic falling down the stairs. How about drinking?”

Yeah, that’s awkward.

“Right? The legs splayed out? It’s goddamned humiliating. Hyenas laugh at us.”

Hyenas laugh at everything.

“Sure, but they also do impressions.”

Oh, that’s rough.

“And the fighting. Oh, God, the fighting. Ever seen a pair of tigers go at it?”

Scary. Powerful, but graceful.

“Exactly. What about bighorn rams?”

That is some cool shit.

“So cool. And what do we do?”

You whip your heads back and forth.

“We whip our heads back and forth.”

It may be the least dignified fighting style in the animal kingdom.

“I KNOW. Wheeeee-TONK. Wheeeeee-TONK. It’s awful, man. We look like chumps.”

A little bit.

“Plus, it makes you really dizzy.”

Didn’t know that.

“Oh, yeah. Listen: if you have the option, be anything but a giraffe. Take the civil service exam, learn to dust crops, become a professional eater: anything’s better than this.”

You sound down.

“Even those of us in high places can be low.”

Wow. Very deep, giraffe.

“I wanted to be a lobster when I grew up, but you get what you get.”

I’m gonna go because you are depressing me.

“Whatever.”

Black, White, And Ass All Over

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Hey, zebras. Whatcha doing?

“Butt time.”

“Sniffin’ ass.”

Wow, great.

“So much information in this tush-stank.”

“How healthy you are, your political preferences.”

Really?

“Sure, nothing like a fine wafting of the nethers.”

“Smelling the backyard.”

“Nose deep in the big muddy.”

“Breathing the bouquet of booty.”

“Respiring the rump.”

“ASS!”

“ASS!”

“ASS!”

We done?

“You can leave. We’ll be at this for a while.”

“Ooh, ass.”

Leilani And Ivory, Together In Perfect Harmony

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I usually support Lillian Monster’s political stances; she believes in solar power and not bothering animals, and I do, too. I also support her activism, even though I may make sport of it on occasion. The simple fact is that I am not protesting anything, ever, so someone has to; she seems to enjoy it.

But she may be wasting her energy with this one: we have all Said No To Ivory, at least the people reading English on Instagram. That hashtag should be in several other languages, but the West has grown to accept synthetic cue balls and piano keys. If you want that hashtag to have the right message, it should be spelled #停止购买象牙,你他妈的观念狭隘保守。

I’ll also say this: Lillian Monster takes excellent photos of animals. I could not take pictures this well: you’ve seen my work. Also, I’d probably forget my phone at the AirBnB like at the Farewell Shoes and have to describe the animals to you.

Bush, Bucks

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What are you, a deer?

“You been talking to that asshole rhino?”

Excuse me?

“Owes me fifty bucks. Been ducking me.”

How does a rhino duck someone?

“Okay, he hasn’t been ducking me. He just stands there and doesn’t pay me back.”

Sure.

“Can’t really threaten him.”

There would be no possible follow-through.

“Right.”

Why does he owe you fifty bucks?

“Poker.”

Really?

“What do you think, we all just stand around all day waiting for white people to come and look at us? We have lives.”

Sorry. Listen, again: what are you?

“Bushbuck.”

Is that African for “deer?”

“I’m not a deer.”

You absolutely are a deer. You are a foreign deer. Your antlers are the wrong shape, but still you are a deer.

“First of all, I am in the antelope family.”

Wasn’t debating that. Antelope are deer. Deer that jump. You’re all deer. If I had a car, you’d run in front of it.

“You’re a racist.”

And you have a cloven hoof: the Bible expressly tells me to be a dick to you.

“Eat my ass.”

Deer.

She’s Got A Fast Car

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Lillian Monster just posted this on her Instagram, and–as usual–I agree with her in general, but have a specific problem: whales most certainly do have voices. They go “URRRRRRRRRRRHH” and “phlb phlb MNAAAAAAAAAAwwwaaah” and “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooeeeee.”

You’re entitled to your own opinions, but not your own facts.

What Really Matters

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Or maybe the LGBT crowd can fend for themselves and we can fight the real fight.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

Lillian Monster? How’d you get in here?

“I HEARD THERE WAS INJUSTICE! WHAT DO WE WANT?”

Please put the bullhorn down.

“ABSOLUTELY NOT. WHAT DO WE WANT?”

Fine. We want equal fonts for Je–

“AND WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

Now?

“WE ALSO DEMAND THAT DEAD & COMPANY USE LOCALLY-SOURCED GUITAR STRINGS!”

Is that a thing?

“SECOND SET SUGAREE!”

Okay, I’m with you there.

“AND THE FONT THING!”

There you go.

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