Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: lindsay graham

Trouble In Paradise

“C’mon, Graham Cracker.”

“Don’t call me that. You don’t get to call me that anymore.”

“Don’t be like this.”

“What? Disloyal? Duplicitous? Snake-like? Oh, wait: that’s you.”

“Lindsey, the bill was shit. You should be embarrassed to have even brought it to the floor.”

“Only thing embarrassin’ around here is you, Mr. Man.”

“Lindsey, don’t.”

“You remember the first time we met?”


“Where was it?”

“I can’t go through this again.”


“The roller rink.”

“I was wearin’ that new pair of purple jeans I got at the Fashion Farm that made my butt look so good. You were calling your wife a cunt in public. An’ then our eyes met.”

“I know the story Lindsey.”

“I tol’ that ol’ deejay to play some ABBA music. I knew they was your favorite. An’ then it was an All Skate. You remember when they called an All Skate, Big Daddy?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“We had ourselves a shindig, you an’ me. An’ then at th’ end of th’ night, those handsome young men from that coal company gave us checks.”

“They were nice checks.”

“They were. Every check I got with you was a nice check.”

“Dammit, Lindsey, are you holding my hand?”

“Oh, look at that. Appears I am.”

“Knock it off.”

“You remember th’ first time we got all drunk off shandies and voted to repeal Obamacare? Then we went to Ben’s for half-smokes and you whispered racist jokes into my ear all night ’til I choked on my wiener?”

“That was a fun day.”

“Only you can make me choke on a wiener, Johnny Mac.”

“Don’t call me that, either.”

“For ol’ time’s sake, John. If you’re really my friend, you’ll take away America’s insurance.”

“Can’t do it, Linds.”

“Well, fooey on you. Maybe I’ll go and hang out with my other Senator friends.”

“Oh, yeah. Go get dinner with Ted Cruz.”

“I figured out who he looks like.”


“If there was a sleepaway camp for draculas, then he’d be the dracula who showered with his underwear on.”


“See? There you go, laughing that beautiful laugh of yours. When was the last time you laughed like that?”

“I saw Pelosi fall down the steps the other day.”

“And you didn’t get a picture?”

“It happened so quick.”

“Oh, I wish I could’ve seen that. Was she okay?”

“Yeah. She landed on her face.”

“Bless her heart. I’m still mad at you, John.”

“I’m gonna be dead in a year, Lindsey. I don’t give a fuck.”

“Oh, no.”

“Lindsey, don’t–”


“Stop fucking crying!”


“Stop it! Stop it right now! Schumer’s watching!”

“You two boys should get a room.”


“Yeah! You tell him, John.”

“Stop crying right now.”

“You just break my heart, John McCain. Into a million little pieces.”

“I’ll break your jaw into a million pieces if you don’t stop fucking crying.”


“Shut up or I’ll call Joe Lieberman.”

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“I’ll go back to him in a heartbeat.”

“You’d never.”

“Gay sidekick, Jew sidekick: what do I care?”


“Sure, fiddlesticks. You gonna stop crying?”

“Only on the outside.”

“All I care about.”

“You two are adorable.”


We Are Everywhere

leahy franken graham

“Fuck off with Brent.”

“He was my friend.”

“Brent was everybody’s friend. He was a like a cocker spaniel, but hairier. The greatest keyboardist the Dead–”

“Pat, please don’t start with this again.”

“–ever had was TC.”

“He was in the band for 45 minutes. He bought a harpsichord, gave Billy a personality test only to discover he didn’t have one, and got fired. Which may or may not have saved his life, but still.”

“TC’s the dank.”

“He is not, Senator. He is not the dank. You could maybe use him to make edibles, but you’d need a shitload of him.”

“Are you silly ol’ gooses talkin’ ’bout that ol’ band o’yours, again?”

“Yes, Lindsay.”

“Fiddlesticks. Al, who you takin’ t’ the Colonel’s cotillion?”

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