Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: loni anderson

Old Friends And A Truly Unexpected Cameo

WOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOooooo.

What’s this now?

Handsome bastard alert.

Please don’t be weird.

Look at ’em! Specimens, these two. Looks like the intro to a high-quality pornograph.

Stop it.

Is a lady getting thrown in there? Are they doing stuff on each other? The opening shot of a dirty movie is so important. Remember The Cockfather? The guy’s sitting there in the dramatic lighting and he goes “I blow loads on America” and–

I need you to shut up.

–BADABOOM Michael gets it all over his nice ivy league suit.

Are you done?

I need a cigarette.

Is there a reason you’ve posted this picture?

Of course. To remind the Enthusiasts that Christmas is approaching and there may be no better present than a book. Books don’t need batteries, or spy on you for the NSA, and they weren’t put together by Chinese slave labor. Books don’t lock women in their office and masturbate at them. Books don’t retweet racist jokes on Twitter. (Their authors sometimes do, but don’t blame the book for its writer being a shithead.) A book will never steal twenty dollars from your purse and use it to buy scratch tickets and Dust-Off. Books will not laugh at your genitals, unless you are talking about Dickens’ lost classic You Call That A Dick?

So buy books for Christmas. The Deadhead in your life will love This Is All A Dream We Dreamed: An Oral History Of The Grateful Dead by David Gans and Blair Jackson and the history buff will appreciate Chris Jennings’ Paradise Now: The Story of American Utopianism. Hell, don’t believe me: go ask Sci-Fi Loni Anderson.

“I think David and Chris’ books are out of this world!”

See? Go buy their books.

Sell Everything

Besides the few items listed on the public Christie’s site, there are a number of lots only advertised in the catalogue. TotD brings you (some of) the rest of the upcoming Dead sale at Christie’s auction house.

  • Bobert H.W. Weir’s Short Shorts Acquired in 1992 by a thieving Cockney laundress, this item is sure to be the jewel in the collection of any “Bobby Man,” of which, Christie’s has been informed there are some. This item, expected to fetch around ten grand, has not been washed. By that, Christie’s does not mean that Mr. Weir’s shorts have not been laundered since our ownership: these shorts have never been washed.
  • Wall of Sound Schematics, 1974 These original blueprints, with authenticated hand-written notes from Owsley “Bear” Stanley, Bob Matthews, and (for some reason) Loni Anderson, were the basis for the legendary Wall of Sound, the Dead’s 1974 act of sheer hubris. [Christie’s warns you that reading from the schematics out loud does tend to summon one or more of the Abandoned Gods, and never any of the fun ones.]
  • Potsmoker Blues, by Robert Frank, Only Extant Copy In 1976, the Dead hired photographer Frank to film a documentary of their comeback tour, but the level of depravity he captured led the band to forbid the film’s exhibition. [Christie’s again feels the need to issue a warning: by “depravity,” Christie’s is not talking about mild or even heavy drug use, nor the dick-punching. This film is a like a real-life Cannibal Holocaust. At several points, Mickey sexually uses a goat to death.]
  • Mickolas Hart’s Horse, Snorter After the death of his beloved stallion, Mickey had Snorter stuffed. For reasons Christie’s cannot grasp, Mickey had the horse stuffed with live raccoons; when they got out, they were furious and Snorter’s hide needed extensive reconstruction and a re-stuffing, this time with a material neither clever nor sharp.
  • Philbert J. Lesh’s Old Liver For the first time, Christie’s is proud to offer an actual organ from a rock star. (Christie’s does apologize once again for withdrawing Neil Young’s large intestine; Mr. Young says he “needs it.”) The liver has been signed by Mr. Lesh and, for some reason, Loni Anderson.
  • A Cardboard Box Full of Gay Porn Starring Keith Godchaux This item is as described. Both the pornography and the box have been vigorously enjoyed.
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