Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: melania trump

Scary Picture

“That’s a wonderful hat. This is not a great skeleton. I gotta be honest. My honesty is why I won the election that the Democrats and George Soros can’t get over. They’re obsessed. But that’s not a great skeleton, like I was saying. Didn’t fool me. I knew you were a kid in a suit right away. Does it glow in the dark? It looks like it glows in the dark.”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s classy. Very classy. Melania? Melania–this is Melania, she’s the First Lady, she’s acknowledged as one of the great beauties–did you hear that? It glows in the dark.”

“That’s vunderful, Pička.”

“Pifka. That’s what she calls me. It means ‘Strong Winner.’ Okay, that’s it. Next kid, let’s keep it moving. Bing boo bing.”

CHILD BEING SHUFFLED OFF NOISE

“Spooky ghost, great, ghost.”

“You’re a baseball player, great. Good for you, that’s a costume, okay.”

“Oh, look, an illegal immigrant.”

“I’m Dora the Explorer, Mr. President.”

“You are the scariest one yet. Illegal immigrant, very scary, okay, next.”

“Pinche cabron.”

“Yes, great. That means “Strong Winner,” too. The strongest, best, great. Next kid, c’mon.”

“I know you. You’re a Star Wars. I have seen Star Wars, well, let’s just say that probably no one has seen Star Wars as much as me. In the world. George Lucas, very successful man with an impressive company. Lot of growth. He has a beard. Everyone knows that. I’ve never had a beard, but I could have a beautiful one in a very short amount of time. Which Star Wars are you, young man?”

“I’m Finn, sir.”

“Finn, great, that’s a name, beautiful. Okay, take your helmet off so we can get a picture.”

STORMTROOPER HELMET REMOVING NOISE

“Jesus! Secret Service!”

“It is just a black kid, Pička.”

“Kid, yes, okay, black kid. You should have warned me, kid. No one likes a surprise black. One of the very worst kind of blacks. Took off your helmet and boom. Okay, great, Star Wars. Next. Very nice, a suit and tie. Powerful hair. I like this costume, kid. Are you me?”

“I’m Paul Manafort, Mr. President.”

“I have no idea who that is. Maybe I met him. Maybe. I meet, in just a normal day, hundreds and hundreds of people. Bing bang bing. All day. I would remember that, because I have one of the best memories in the world. Phone numbers from childhood, everything. I remember everything and I don’t think I remember him. If you say he worked for my winning campaign, then I’d have to check that out and get back to you next week. Maybe next week. But I don’t know who Paul Manafort is, I think. I know he was working for the disgraceful Podesta brothers, who are criminals and also I heard child molestors. I know that about him, but I don’t know who he is. No Russia, no Russia.”

“He was your campaign manager, sir.”

“Really, I was my own campaign manager. No one knows Donald Trump like Donald Trump, so I was really the campaign manager. There were always people around the office, unpaid people, but I did everything. Steve Bannon came in for a while and consulted, but it was me. Okay, next kid.”

“Hello, Mr. President.”

“Ooh, another spooky ghost. Not as spooky as the last ghost. I know it’s not presidential, but I have to say it: that last ghost was much, much, much more spooky than you.”

“Okay.”

“Hillary Clinton, who isn’t president and I am, sold most of America’s uranium to Russia. Some people say most. She did this all by herself. Probably used her corrupt e-mail account. Russia has all of our uranium now, spooky ghost.”

“Why don’t we want them to have it?”

“We do. Russia is a very strong nation, longtime partner of the United States. We were allies in World War II, which many people don’t know. There are many bonds between the American and Russian people, who have a leader who is so marvelous. Everybody loves him, Vladimir Putin, everybody is talking about him, keeps winning elections, a strong leader for a strong nation. They can have anything they want.”

“So why was it wrong for Hillary Clinton to sell it?”

“Because she belongs in jail. She’s a disgusting woman and she should be in jail, so it was wrong of her to sell the uranium, which she did all by herself.”

“It was okay for Russia to buy the uranium?”

“Sure, great, our friends, right.”

“But it was wrong of Hillary to sell the uranium?”

“Exactly.”

“You’re a fucking kookoo bird, you know that?”

SPOOKY GHOST BEING WHISKED AWAY NOISE

“That went well. I won that. I’m Strong Winner. This is the worst Halloween in the history of Halloweens. Maybe ever.”

Excuses For The Plagiarism In Last Night’s Speech From Melania Trump, Who Is Acknowledged As One Of The Great Beauties

  • Private jet lag.
  • No such concept as “plagiarism” in any of the other four languages she speaks.
  • Campaign recently hired Jonah Lehrer as a speechwriter.
  • It’s not like Michelle Obama invented the English language. (Karina Pierson, who is a grown-up Zika Baby, actually said this today. Swear to fucking God.)
  • Y’know how you get a song stuck in your head? Like that, but with a speech from 2008.
  • Fuck you, that’s why.
  • Actually, blacks steal from whites far more than the other way around, which the mainstream media won’t report.
  • It was an homage.
  • It was a tribute.
  • It was a sample.
  • Melania Trump invented the remix.
  • Something something Benghazi.
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