Thoughts On The Dead

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Fox News Presents: A Donald Trump Christmas Special

OPENING MUSIC: SILENT NIGHT BY KID ROCK

“Great, yes, okay. Christmas. Beautiful. The best holiday, hands down. People give you things, and that’s the best you can ask. Receiving is very important. People like to talk about giving, and giving is nice and no one gives more than me–I might be the most generous man on earth, all of earth–but receiving something valuable is a big part of it. Don’t downgrade receiving.

“White House looks just magnificent. Melania did everything, not like some First Ladies who were born in Kenya just like their husbands. I’ve decided I believe that again. Going back to the Kenya thing. Many of my investigators have told me that Obama’s birth certificate was fake news. Several have told me that he was an illegal alien. Maybe Obama was a Mexican Kenyan? I don’t know, but I do know that we finally got the black-person-smell out of the White House.”

“Jesus, Donald.”

“Melania. My beautiful wife, most beautiful First Lady ever. Makes Pat Nixon look like a real dog. By far, the hottest. Who else? Hillary’s the ugliest, obviously. People think Jackie Kennedy was hot, but no tits. Gotta have the tits, I’m a tit man. Can you even imagine Hillary’s tits? Bad tits, terrible tits. Not like Melania, so beautiful, my wife, look at her.”

SLOVENIAN AVOIDING A KISS NOISE

“Melania, tell us what you’ve done to make the White House so glamorous and luxurious. It’s maybe the third or fourth best property I own, gotta be honest, Mar-A-Lago’s better, but this is very nice.”

“As you can see, Donald, I’ve filled the halls with dying trees covered in lamé. And on the walls, I have placed cursed mirrors. They hold the souls of poor children.”

“Great, children, wonderful. Christmas is all about the children, who are currently being molested by Democrats and Hollywood, two groups I was never a part of. Tough Christmas at Matt Lauer’s house because the children now know that daddy is a pervert. If Franken celebrated Christmas, his would be tough, too. I wonder who’s next. Jeff Zucker? Maybe Jeff Zucker pulls out his pecker. I’m gonna call him Jeff Pecker from now on. Another nickname, bing bing bing. Is Rosie O’Donnell a fat lesbian sex pervert? I hear she is, many people say she is, maybe she pulls out her fat lesbian penis, too. People are talking about that, many people, terrible penis on Rosie.

SLOVENIAN WALKING AWAY DISGUSTEDLY NOISE

“All of Hollywood, very unfair to me and also full of child molestors. That’s why you can’t trust that tape, that fake tape. I said it was me just so I could get past it and get to making America great, but it’s not me. Melania knows that wasn’t me. Melania? Where’s my wife, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties? Melania? I’m thinking about making her the new Secretary of State. Melania? Okay, she’s around here, great.

“This tax bill I have coming out is so wonderful, so great. Everybody loves it, believe me. According to this bill, which is so beautiful, no one who voted for me is going to have to pay taxes anymore. No more! We’re gonna get Mexico to pay our taxes. They already told me, I spoke to Mexico, they said they would.

SLEIGH BELL NOISE

“Oh, look. It’s Santa. Santa, where are you? Santa?”

“Right here, Mr. President.”

“Santa? Santa Claus?”

“Right next to you, sir.”

“Santa, there you are, wonderful, beard, great. What a Santa! Not an ethnic Santa. I have brought back Christmas. Obama didn’t love Christmas because it reminded him of America, which he hated and tried to destroy with his crack and rap and bushy hair. Obama didn’t have American hair! Maybe that’s not presidential to say, but someone had to say it. Not American hair. Santa, who is that under that beard?”

“It’s me, Roy Moore.”

“The great Roy Moore, who the lying and failing media have tried to crucify. Just like Jesus! But just like Jesus, Roy is gonna break free from the cross and get elected to the Senate. What a great Senator you’ll be.”

“Why, thank you, Mr. President.”

“I saw you over there with all the children on your lap.”

“Oh, you saw that?”

“Yes, playing Santa. Long line to get up there. Very nice.”

“Oh! Right! Playing Santa, sure. That’s what I was doing.”

“I didn’t see any little boys in the line.”

“Hey, look over there.”

“What? Where? Is it Hillary?”

DISGRACED CHILD MOLESTOR SKULKING OFF NOISE

“Where am I looking? Hillary? Who’s there? Deep State? Globalist? What? Okay, whatever, I’ll look later because I’m the best at looking. Most men my age need glasses, not me. Perfect eyes. I could probably be a great sniper, one of the best ever. I see so well. Okay, now it’s time for a new tradition at the White House: Christmas Calls. One very, very, very lucky young American is going to get a phone call from his favorite president, which is me. Lemme just get out of Twitter and call.”

DIALING NOISE

RINGING NOISE

“It’s ringing.”

RINGING NOISE

“Hello?”

“Hello, this is the best president of America, Donald Trump. Is this Dicky?”

“This is Senator Richard Burr.”

“Dicky! Have you been a good boy this year? Have you dropped the Russia case so Santa will bring you a new toy?”

“You have to be kidding me.”

“Do you want a toy truck, Dicky? Or maybe a corner apartment in Trump Tower? Santa can make both of those things happen, but you have to be a good boy, Dicky. Good boys get past this Russia thing.”

“Seriously?”

“No Russia, no Russia.”

“I’m hanging up the phone.”

“Hey, you could get coal. Especially since I have reopened dozens of new coal plants in the past year. Dozens, everyone’s talking about it, everyone’s back to work who hasn’t been killed by illegal immigrants.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Great, Santa, wonderful, coal. Oh, it’s time for Hannity. Okay, Christmas, great, Trump, Christmas.”

Scary Picture

“That’s a wonderful hat. This is not a great skeleton. I gotta be honest. My honesty is why I won the election that the Democrats and George Soros can’t get over. They’re obsessed. But that’s not a great skeleton, like I was saying. Didn’t fool me. I knew you were a kid in a suit right away. Does it glow in the dark? It looks like it glows in the dark.”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s classy. Very classy. Melania? Melania–this is Melania, she’s the First Lady, she’s acknowledged as one of the great beauties–did you hear that? It glows in the dark.”

“That’s vunderful, Pička.”

“Pifka. That’s what she calls me. It means ‘Strong Winner.’ Okay, that’s it. Next kid, let’s keep it moving. Bing boo bing.”

CHILD BEING SHUFFLED OFF NOISE

“Spooky ghost, great, ghost.”

“You’re a baseball player, great. Good for you, that’s a costume, okay.”

“Oh, look, an illegal immigrant.”

“I’m Dora the Explorer, Mr. President.”

“You are the scariest one yet. Illegal immigrant, very scary, okay, next.”

“Pinche cabron.”

“Yes, great. That means “Strong Winner,” too. The strongest, best, great. Next kid, c’mon.”

“I know you. You’re a Star Wars. I have seen Star Wars, well, let’s just say that probably no one has seen Star Wars as much as me. In the world. George Lucas, very successful man with an impressive company. Lot of growth. He has a beard. Everyone knows that. I’ve never had a beard, but I could have a beautiful one in a very short amount of time. Which Star Wars are you, young man?”

“I’m Finn, sir.”

“Finn, great, that’s a name, beautiful. Okay, take your helmet off so we can get a picture.”

STORMTROOPER HELMET REMOVING NOISE

“Jesus! Secret Service!”

“It is just a black kid, Pička.”

“Kid, yes, okay, black kid. You should have warned me, kid. No one likes a surprise black. One of the very worst kind of blacks. Took off your helmet and boom. Okay, great, Star Wars. Next. Very nice, a suit and tie. Powerful hair. I like this costume, kid. Are you me?”

“I’m Paul Manafort, Mr. President.”

“I have no idea who that is. Maybe I met him. Maybe. I meet, in just a normal day, hundreds and hundreds of people. Bing bang bing. All day. I would remember that, because I have one of the best memories in the world. Phone numbers from childhood, everything. I remember everything and I don’t think I remember him. If you say he worked for my winning campaign, then I’d have to check that out and get back to you next week. Maybe next week. But I don’t know who Paul Manafort is, I think. I know he was working for the disgraceful Podesta brothers, who are criminals and also I heard child molestors. I know that about him, but I don’t know who he is. No Russia, no Russia.”

“He was your campaign manager, sir.”

“Really, I was my own campaign manager. No one knows Donald Trump like Donald Trump, so I was really the campaign manager. There were always people around the office, unpaid people, but I did everything. Steve Bannon came in for a while and consulted, but it was me. Okay, next kid.”

“Hello, Mr. President.”

“Ooh, another spooky ghost. Not as spooky as the last ghost. I know it’s not presidential, but I have to say it: that last ghost was much, much, much more spooky than you.”

“Okay.”

“Hillary Clinton, who isn’t president and I am, sold most of America’s uranium to Russia. Some people say most. She did this all by herself. Probably used her corrupt e-mail account. Russia has all of our uranium now, spooky ghost.”

“Why don’t we want them to have it?”

“We do. Russia is a very strong nation, longtime partner of the United States. We were allies in World War II, which many people don’t know. There are many bonds between the American and Russian people, who have a leader who is so marvelous. Everybody loves him, Vladimir Putin, everybody is talking about him, keeps winning elections, a strong leader for a strong nation. They can have anything they want.”

“So why was it wrong for Hillary Clinton to sell it?”

“Because she belongs in jail. She’s a disgusting woman and she should be in jail, so it was wrong of her to sell the uranium, which she did all by herself.”

“It was okay for Russia to buy the uranium?”

“Sure, great, our friends, right.”

“But it was wrong of Hillary to sell the uranium?”

“Exactly.”

“You’re a fucking kookoo bird, you know that?”

SPOOKY GHOST BEING WHISKED AWAY NOISE

“That went well. I won that. I’m Strong Winner. This is the worst Halloween in the history of Halloweens. Maybe ever.”

Excuses For The Plagiarism In Last Night’s Speech From Melania Trump, Who Is Acknowledged As One Of The Great Beauties

  • Private jet lag.
  • No such concept as “plagiarism” in any of the other four languages she speaks.
  • Campaign recently hired Jonah Lehrer as a speechwriter.
  • It’s not like Michelle Obama invented the English language. (Karina Pierson, who is a grown-up Zika Baby, actually said this today. Swear to fucking God.)
  • Y’know how you get a song stuck in your head? Like that, but with a speech from 2008.
  • Fuck you, that’s why.
  • Actually, blacks steal from whites far more than the other way around, which the mainstream media won’t report.
  • It was an homage.
  • It was a tribute.
  • It was a sample.
  • Melania Trump invented the remix.
  • Something something Benghazi.
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