Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: melania trump

Doing Lafayette Proud

“This is probably the best shoveling job anyone’s ever done, and I am so proud to be burying Barbara Bush. She was such a classy, classy lady even though she looked like a grandma and was a 3 in her prime. In her prime!”

“Oui are not burying ze First Lady, Monsieur President.”

“Maybe a 2. Not hot. All of my wives were hotter, so I win. Very sad, though, but she’s being buried on the lawn of the White House. That’s tradition. All the first ladies are here. Nancy, Lady Bird. Hillary will be here one day, and she deserves that. For the crimes she committed, Hillary Clinton should probably be buried alive, but we have to be nice. They told me to be nice. Michelle Obama will also be here, but in a different section of the lawn. You know. Over there. Those people go over there.”

“Zis izz not what izz ‘appening, Donald.”

“Melania? Where’s my Melania? Melania?”



“Melania? I guess she’s not here. Very busy, King Macaroni.”

“I am not ze king, and zat izz not my name.”

“Never in the history of first ladies has there been one who did so much. All day. This, that, bing bang, she’s all over the place. She talks to the children, and their faces light up. Great, great first lady. And she doesn’t tell people what to eat, like Michelle who was a man and a Nazi. Many people don’t know this, but Larry Kudlow told me. You know Larry Kudlow?”


“Real winner. When he’s on teevee, I’m watching. That’s why I hired him. He brought his own makeup girl, and you should see the tits on her. Real yabbos. You say ‘yabbos’ in France?”


“And not fat! Some girls, they got the tits because they’re hogs, but this one got a little waist, tush, nice. Then: bing bong boobs. There they are. You got fat chicks in France?”


“Lucky, very lucky. That’s what they say: Lucky Pierre. Very lucky. You should see all the fatties around here. I got one. Something wrong with her eyes. Great on teevee, though. Send her out, she yells at the lying, failing, Jewish media. They work hard.”

“The Jews?”

“No, fat chicks. Over-achievers, fat chicks. Everywhere except in the gym. Frenchy, you are gonna love this State Dinner. No one in maybe the history of State Dinners has done a better job than Melania has setting this up. She is just super. Melania?”


“Where is she? Melania?”



“Monsieur President, perhaps we should talk about ze Iran deal.”

“At dinner, at dinner. You are not gonna believe it. Do you have Chick-Fil-A in France?”

“I do not know what zis is.”

“It’s the pickle! I’ve had chicken sandwiches from everyplace, the most beautiful chicken sandwiches, and no one else does the pickle. Adds so much to the flavor. And, you know, you walk into Chick-Fil-A and the kid behind the counter is a real American. He doesn’t rap at you, nothing. It’s not Burger King. Let’s just say that. Anyway, we got Chick-Fil-A piled to the ceiling. All you can eat, which is an idea I came up with for the Trump Shuttle. All the peanuts you could eat, and people called me up, ‘Mr. Trump, thank you for the peanuts. Everyone else skimps, but you showed real class and brains with the peanut thing.’ People gave me such spectacular compliments.”

“What ze fuck are you talking about?”


“President speaking.”

“Vous just answer your mobile? Is zat a Blackberry?”

“Shh. Important call. Hey, big guy!”

“Hello, The Donald.”

“Are you shoveling, too? Great, wonderful, what luck. I’m here with King Macaroni–”

“Zis is not my name..”

“–and we’re shoveling. The best shoveling, but now that I see you’re shoveling, I think you might have an edge. Just a little one, but you are truly a hell of a shoveler. Are you planting a tree, Mr. President?”

“Da. Is tree asked too many qvestions.”

“Beautiful, great, burying. Hey, listen: we’re having a little get-together here tomorrow night. We would be so honored, probably the most honored people that have ever lived, if you would stop by.”

“Zoot alors, do not invite Putin to ze dinner!”

“I vould love to, The Donald. Vhat is menu?”


“Vonderful. Putin love pickle.”

“Sacre fucking bleu.”

Fox News Presents: A Donald Trump Christmas Special


“Great, yes, okay. Christmas. Beautiful. The best holiday, hands down. People give you things, and that’s the best you can ask. Receiving is very important. People like to talk about giving, and giving is nice and no one gives more than me–I might be the most generous man on earth, all of earth–but receiving something valuable is a big part of it. Don’t downgrade receiving.

“White House looks just magnificent. Melania did everything, not like some First Ladies who were born in Kenya just like their husbands. I’ve decided I believe that again. Going back to the Kenya thing. Many of my investigators have told me that Obama’s birth certificate was fake news. Several have told me that he was an illegal alien. Maybe Obama was a Mexican Kenyan? I don’t know, but I do know that we finally got the black-person-smell out of the White House.”

“Jesus, Donald.”

“Melania. My beautiful wife, most beautiful First Lady ever. Makes Pat Nixon look like a real dog. By far, the hottest. Who else? Hillary’s the ugliest, obviously. People think Jackie Kennedy was hot, but no tits. Gotta have the tits, I’m a tit man. Can you even imagine Hillary’s tits? Bad tits, terrible tits. Not like Melania, so beautiful, my wife, look at her.”


“Melania, tell us what you’ve done to make the White House so glamorous and luxurious. It’s maybe the third or fourth best property I own, gotta be honest, Mar-A-Lago’s better, but this is very nice.”

“As you can see, Donald, I’ve filled the halls with dying trees covered in lamé. And on the walls, I have placed cursed mirrors. They hold the souls of poor children.”

“Great, children, wonderful. Christmas is all about the children, who are currently being molested by Democrats and Hollywood, two groups I was never a part of. Tough Christmas at Matt Lauer’s house because the children now know that daddy is a pervert. If Franken celebrated Christmas, his would be tough, too. I wonder who’s next. Jeff Zucker? Maybe Jeff Zucker pulls out his pecker. I’m gonna call him Jeff Pecker from now on. Another nickname, bing bing bing. Is Rosie O’Donnell a fat lesbian sex pervert? I hear she is, many people say she is, maybe she pulls out her fat lesbian penis, too. People are talking about that, many people, terrible penis on Rosie.


“All of Hollywood, very unfair to me and also full of child molestors. That’s why you can’t trust that tape, that fake tape. I said it was me just so I could get past it and get to making America great, but it’s not me. Melania knows that wasn’t me. Melania? Where’s my wife, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties? Melania? I’m thinking about making her the new Secretary of State. Melania? Okay, she’s around here, great.

“This tax bill I have coming out is so wonderful, so great. Everybody loves it, believe me. According to this bill, which is so beautiful, no one who voted for me is going to have to pay taxes anymore. No more! We’re gonna get Mexico to pay our taxes. They already told me, I spoke to Mexico, they said they would.


“Oh, look. It’s Santa. Santa, where are you? Santa?”

“Right here, Mr. President.”

“Santa? Santa Claus?”

“Right next to you, sir.”

“Santa, there you are, wonderful, beard, great. What a Santa! Not an ethnic Santa. I have brought back Christmas. Obama didn’t love Christmas because it reminded him of America, which he hated and tried to destroy with his crack and rap and bushy hair. Obama didn’t have American hair! Maybe that’s not presidential to say, but someone had to say it. Not American hair. Santa, who is that under that beard?”

“It’s me, Roy Moore.”

“The great Roy Moore, who the lying and failing media have tried to crucify. Just like Jesus! But just like Jesus, Roy is gonna break free from the cross and get elected to the Senate. What a great Senator you’ll be.”

“Why, thank you, Mr. President.”

“I saw you over there with all the children on your lap.”

“Oh, you saw that?”

“Yes, playing Santa. Long line to get up there. Very nice.”

“Oh! Right! Playing Santa, sure. That’s what I was doing.”

“I didn’t see any little boys in the line.”

“Hey, look over there.”

“What? Where? Is it Hillary?”


“Where am I looking? Hillary? Who’s there? Deep State? Globalist? What? Okay, whatever, I’ll look later because I’m the best at looking. Most men my age need glasses, not me. Perfect eyes. I could probably be a great sniper, one of the best ever. I see so well. Okay, now it’s time for a new tradition at the White House: Christmas Calls. One very, very, very lucky young American is going to get a phone call from his favorite president, which is me. Lemme just get out of Twitter and call.”



“It’s ringing.”



“Hello, this is the best president of America, Donald Trump. Is this Dicky?”

“This is Senator Richard Burr.”

“Dicky! Have you been a good boy this year? Have you dropped the Russia case so Santa will bring you a new toy?”

“You have to be kidding me.”

“Do you want a toy truck, Dicky? Or maybe a corner apartment in Trump Tower? Santa can make both of those things happen, but you have to be a good boy, Dicky. Good boys get past this Russia thing.”


“No Russia, no Russia.”

“I’m hanging up the phone.”

“Hey, you could get coal. Especially since I have reopened dozens of new coal plants in the past year. Dozens, everyone’s talking about it, everyone’s back to work who hasn’t been killed by illegal immigrants.”


“Great, Santa, wonderful, coal. Oh, it’s time for Hannity. Okay, Christmas, great, Trump, Christmas.”

Scary Picture

“That’s a wonderful hat. This is not a great skeleton. I gotta be honest. My honesty is why I won the election that the Democrats and George Soros can’t get over. They’re obsessed. But that’s not a great skeleton, like I was saying. Didn’t fool me. I knew you were a kid in a suit right away. Does it glow in the dark? It looks like it glows in the dark.”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s classy. Very classy. Melania? Melania–this is Melania, she’s the First Lady, she’s acknowledged as one of the great beauties–did you hear that? It glows in the dark.”

“That’s vunderful, Pička.”

“Pifka. That’s what she calls me. It means ‘Strong Winner.’ Okay, that’s it. Next kid, let’s keep it moving. Bing boo bing.”


“Spooky ghost, great, ghost.”

“You’re a baseball player, great. Good for you, that’s a costume, okay.”

“Oh, look, an illegal immigrant.”

“I’m Dora the Explorer, Mr. President.”

“You are the scariest one yet. Illegal immigrant, very scary, okay, next.”

“Pinche cabron.”

“Yes, great. That means “Strong Winner,” too. The strongest, best, great. Next kid, c’mon.”

“I know you. You’re a Star Wars. I have seen Star Wars, well, let’s just say that probably no one has seen Star Wars as much as me. In the world. George Lucas, very successful man with an impressive company. Lot of growth. He has a beard. Everyone knows that. I’ve never had a beard, but I could have a beautiful one in a very short amount of time. Which Star Wars are you, young man?”

“I’m Finn, sir.”

“Finn, great, that’s a name, beautiful. Okay, take your helmet off so we can get a picture.”


“Jesus! Secret Service!”

“It is just a black kid, Pička.”

“Kid, yes, okay, black kid. You should have warned me, kid. No one likes a surprise black. One of the very worst kind of blacks. Took off your helmet and boom. Okay, great, Star Wars. Next. Very nice, a suit and tie. Powerful hair. I like this costume, kid. Are you me?”

“I’m Paul Manafort, Mr. President.”

“I have no idea who that is. Maybe I met him. Maybe. I meet, in just a normal day, hundreds and hundreds of people. Bing bang bing. All day. I would remember that, because I have one of the best memories in the world. Phone numbers from childhood, everything. I remember everything and I don’t think I remember him. If you say he worked for my winning campaign, then I’d have to check that out and get back to you next week. Maybe next week. But I don’t know who Paul Manafort is, I think. I know he was working for the disgraceful Podesta brothers, who are criminals and also I heard child molestors. I know that about him, but I don’t know who he is. No Russia, no Russia.”

“He was your campaign manager, sir.”

“Really, I was my own campaign manager. No one knows Donald Trump like Donald Trump, so I was really the campaign manager. There were always people around the office, unpaid people, but I did everything. Steve Bannon came in for a while and consulted, but it was me. Okay, next kid.”

“Hello, Mr. President.”

“Ooh, another spooky ghost. Not as spooky as the last ghost. I know it’s not presidential, but I have to say it: that last ghost was much, much, much more spooky than you.”


“Hillary Clinton, who isn’t president and I am, sold most of America’s uranium to Russia. Some people say most. She did this all by herself. Probably used her corrupt e-mail account. Russia has all of our uranium now, spooky ghost.”

“Why don’t we want them to have it?”

“We do. Russia is a very strong nation, longtime partner of the United States. We were allies in World War II, which many people don’t know. There are many bonds between the American and Russian people, who have a leader who is so marvelous. Everybody loves him, Vladimir Putin, everybody is talking about him, keeps winning elections, a strong leader for a strong nation. They can have anything they want.”

“So why was it wrong for Hillary Clinton to sell it?”

“Because she belongs in jail. She’s a disgusting woman and she should be in jail, so it was wrong of her to sell the uranium, which she did all by herself.”

“It was okay for Russia to buy the uranium?”

“Sure, great, our friends, right.”

“But it was wrong of Hillary to sell the uranium?”


“You’re a fucking kookoo bird, you know that?”


“That went well. I won that. I’m Strong Winner. This is the worst Halloween in the history of Halloweens. Maybe ever.”

Excuses For The Plagiarism In Last Night’s Speech From Melania Trump, Who Is Acknowledged As One Of The Great Beauties

  • Private jet lag.
  • No such concept as “plagiarism” in any of the other four languages she speaks.
  • Campaign recently hired Jonah Lehrer as a speechwriter.
  • It’s not like Michelle Obama invented the English language. (Karina Pierson, who is a grown-up Zika Baby, actually said this today. Swear to fucking God.)
  • Y’know how you get a song stuck in your head? Like that, but with a speech from 2008.
  • Fuck you, that’s why.
  • Actually, blacks steal from whites far more than the other way around, which the mainstream media won’t report.
  • It was an homage.
  • It was a tribute.
  • It was a sample.
  • Melania Trump invented the remix.
  • Something something Benghazi.
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