Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: mike gordon (page 1 of 2)

Another Bella Figura

“Just explain to me your thought process while you were getting dressed.”

“Hey, man: some of  us don’t want to look like suburban dads.”

“I am a suburban dad. Did the pants come first or the scarf?”

“Scarf. The scarf is the fulcrum of the outfit.”

“And then the pants?”

“No, then the lipstick.”

“Right, yeah, the lipstick.”

“The shade is Canary Sparkle.”

“Awesome, pal.”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m Page.”

“How long’s that thing anyway?”

“My dick?”

“The scarf.”


“Why would I ask about your dick?”

“Lots of people ask me about my dick. I’m a rock star.”

“Yeah, I could tell by the pants.”

“My pants are awesome, Trey.”

“Your legs look like a yuppie’s living room from 1983.”

“I’m fashion forward.”

“You’re fashion forewarned.”

“Not clever.”

“Seriously: how long is the scarf? It looks like a blanket for a very thin person. Like, if Slenderman took a nap on the couch, that’s what he would cover himself up with.”

“I’m gonna walk back over there now.”

“Don’t trip on your giant scarf.”

“Blow me.”

An Old Friend Weighs In


“John, thanks for coming on The Radio Gordo Show.”

“Oh, not you, too.”

“We’re live on SiriusXM, Channel 29.”

“Is that the Phish channel? The Dead has a channel to themselves, so I would assume that Phish does, as well.”

“No, it’s Jam On.”


“They play us a lot. Like, tons.”

“But also other bands, right? You share the channel with, say, String Cheese Whatevers?”


“Chris Robinson Brotherhood?”

“Yup, yup.”



“John, let’s take a call.”

“I don’t want to.”

“How are you, caller? We’re speaking to Ben, who is calling from a pay phone.”

“John, big fan. Have you thought about writing a book?”

“I know that gravelly voice. This isn’t Ben.”


“It’s Benjy, John.”

“Hi, Benjy.”

“You need to write a book! Well, not you. You need to get money for a book that I’ll write, and then give me some of the money and I’ll write the book and live with you.”

“What was that last part?”

“I’ll write the book.”

“Benjy, I’m very busy.”

“This will barely affect you: dictate two hundred pages of skank stories, and I’ll make up all the bullshit about your childhood,  and your inspirations, and all that other bullshit no one reads in rock star books.”

“How much of Billy’s book did you make up?”

“Everything that’s not fucking and fighting is me.”

“Wow. The Healy orgy true?”

“Oh, yeah. 100%. Taped it.”


“Yeah. I mean, Healy taped it, so it sounds like shit, but there’s a record. Billy made me listen to it.”

“What was that like?”

“Remember the part in Grizzly Man when Werner Herzog listens to the couple getting eaten? Like that, but with squishy noises and male grunting.”

“Ew. Benj, I love ya but I’m not hiring you.”

“Okay, put Mike on the phone.”

“Tell Benjy I’m not here.”

“Mike’s not here, Benjy.”

“Oh, I heard him. You two are jackasses.”


“Doesn’t Benjy usually get murdered?”

“Every time, Mike.”

“Let’s give it a second.”

“Guess not.”

“Yeah, wow. Okay. This is Radio Gordo. We’re back on SiriusXM with John Mayer, who’s backstage at the Phish concert hiding from characters both real and semi-fictional and also a ninja, tripping his ears off, and wearing a unicorn onsesie. John, why do you smell like mustache?”

“Sexually assaulted by Freddies Mercury.”

“I didn’t know that was the pluralization.”

“Neither did I, but I checked with William Safire.”

“Well, if anyone’s gonna know…”




“If you’re here, then who’s playing bass?”



“NO! This is NOT RIGHT! The smelly lady plays the drums!”

“Deal with it, Page.”


“Yeah, John?”

“Should you go do something about this?”

“Nah. I’m gonna let it happen.”


“Page is kinda on my shit list nowadays.”


“Don’t worry about it.”

The Grand Delusion


“Trey, are those letters on the smelly lady’s dress?”

“No, Pagey. Those are just donuts.”

“I like donuts.”

“You sure do.”

“Too many makes my tummy hurt. And then I need the potty.”


“No, I need the potty.”

“Oh. It’s right over there, buddy. Do you need me to go with you?”

“I can do it! All by myself, I can do it!”

“Okay, okay.”

“Will you still be in Phish when I get back?”



“Trey, I can’t keep it up much longer. I’m gonna say something.”

“Fishman, you shut the fuck up or I’ll split your lip.”

“How long we gotta pretend we don’t know!?”

“When Page wants to tell us he’s not retarded, then he’ll tell us! It might be, like, psychologically damaging or something.”

“Dude, it’s not like waking a sleep-walker.”

“You’re actually supposed to wake sleep-walkers.”

“Oh, totally: they could fall down the fucking stairs.”

“Right? Such a stupid myth. Trey, I’m gonna say something.”


“Why not?”

“Fishman, have you ever seen Page’s contract? Didn’t you ever wonder why you got so much more than a quarter of the money?”


“I was trying to call his bluff! No one would ever sign what he signed unless…you know…but I’ll give it to the fucker: he commits to a lie.”

“Did he even read it?”

“Pretended that he didn’t, but I walked out of the room for a second and when I came back he was crying.”

“Sounds right.”

“Signed ’em, though.”


“So dummy up.”


“Hello, Trey! I love you, but I could not put my button back in my pants. Will you help?”

“Sure, buddy.”

“Hey, guys? Do I ever get to be a part of this?”

“No, Mike.”

“No, Mike.”

“Trey, the mean man is being mean again.”

“See what you did, Mike?”

“You ruin everything, Mike.”

Phoot Phetish


“Look at ’em.”

“I’ve seen your feet, Bob.”

“I know, I know. Look at ’em again.”

“Is this, like, your thing?”

“By thing, do you mean fetish?”

“A little, kinda, yeah.”

“No, no, no. Not my fetish.”

“I heard it was yours.”

“You heard I was into old guy feet?”

“Hold your horses, Treyvon: I have the feet of a man half my age.”

“Granted, but I don’t have a foot thing, Bobby.”

“Have you tried?”

“Tried what?”

“Opening your mind, for starters.”

“If having an open mind means I have get off on your hairy toe-knuckles, then I don’t want an open mind.”

“It’s not gay if it’s just feet.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“GUUUUYS! I got a hundred likes on Instagram!”

“Good work, Mike.”

Got To Find A Number To Use



“The little team-up thing we did? Yeah, big fun. You bet.”


“There’s a G.”


“At the end of the word. Playing in the Band. Truckin’ doesn’t have a G.”

You love writing songs with participles in the name.

“They, uh, might be gerunds.”

Wait: they could just be verbs.

“Doesn’t really matter.”


“Good time.”

When you counted it off, I was like, “What could it be?” and then you went past four. Once you hit five, I was all, “Oh my God, they’re gonna do Estimated.” BUT THEN YOU KEPT GOING UP UNTIL TEN.

“Bit of a giveaway there, yeah.”

Not too many songs in 10/8.

“Well, you know: we did songs in all kinds of weird times. Did one in eleven.”

The Eleven.

“And thirteen.”

The Thirteen Jam.

“And seven.”

The Seven. Also, the first name of Playing was The Main Ten.

“Uh-huh. What’s your point?”

No point at all.

“Like usual.”


“Hey, uh: quick question.”

Mike Gordon.

“That was the question. Thanks.”

The Phil Who Loved Mike Gordon

phil mike gordon bass 2.jpg

This is wrong. I never got much past Ramones and Cheap Trick covers on the bass, but I know that this is not how it goes.


Their forearm veins touched, and there was a glance that lasted too long. And then they belonged to each other, and to the moment, and Jay Blakesberg took many pictures.


“Show me your war face! GRAAAAAH!”


“You have to get into it, Michael.”


“You gonna take this seriously?”

“Nice to meeeeeeeet you.”




“Don’t answer that, Michael: it’s Taylor Swift and she’s crazy.”

“She called you, too?”

“Twice. I heard she talked to Page.”

“Made him cry, yeah.”

“Page cries a lot, though.”

“We’ve gotten used to it.”

Bass Phishing

phil mike gordon txr onstage

It is the year 2018. Due to death, disease, acrimonious lawsuits, prison sentences, and foreign prison sentences, there are only enough musicians to form one classic rock band. It makes festival season a lot simpler, but some people feel the whole experience is lacking. Also it’s all bass players.


This is from today at Phil’s (remember Phil?) restaurant; it was called the Big Bass Bash, and I swear to you that I thought the theme was fish. I saw another photo of just Mike, and I still didn’t figure out that the “a” was long.”


If you’re in a jam band, and you try to play a normal four-string bass like a human being, then men from the jam band union come and break your shoulders.


“Looooooove you.”

“Thank you, Mike.”

“Looooooove you.”

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Looooooove you.”

“Play your bass, young man.”




Heisenberg on drums.


Phil is wearing his summer flannel.


“How’s the tour going?”

“Great, Phil. Having so much fun. Making great music.”

“Big crowds?”

“Yeah, but they hate us.”


“Phantasy Tour is crowdfunding hitmen.”

“I have no idea what that is, but I do like starting words that begin with ‘F’ with ‘Ph.’ You guys kinda stole that from me. Hitmen?”

“Yeah. To come and murder us for playing the songs wrong, or in the wrong order, or not long enough, or too long. Something.”

“Internet’s full of lunatics and obsessives.”

“There’s a motion to have Page impeached.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I hoped you knew.”


The longer I look at this picture, the harder I laugh.

The Devils And Mike Gordon

mickey blurry billy devil costumes mike gordon

Hey, look at you guys. Both your bands have shows tonight.


Hey, Billy.



“Do you enjoy art photography?”

Not the way you do it, Mike.

“Who you watching illegally?”

One of you.


The guys who jam, with the guitar player who solos.

“Are you watching Phish, you traitorous little fuck?”



If The Fauxhawk Don’t Get Ya, Then The Lightning Bolts Will

Screen Shot 2016-06-24 at 11.12.19 PM

Y’know, they asked you if you wanted to be a Grateful Dead and you said no.

“They’re not thirteen-pointed bolts.”

You sound like those guys on the innertubes that say an AR-15 isn’t an assault weapon. We all know what’s going on here, Gordo.

“Don’t call me that.”

You could have been Oteil. Played baseball stadiums.

“I am currently playing a baseball stadium. And receiving an equal share of the money.”

What did the Dead offer?

“They wanted to pay me in exposure.”

Sounds right.

“Also, I don’t know if you know this, but–”

They’re all crazy as shit?

“–they’re all crazy as shit. Yeah.”

Mellow, Yellow


Turning 50 hit you hard, didn’t it?

“I’ve always been a free spirit.”

I honestly don’t know enough about The Phishes to know whether you’re lying, so I’ll just move on: not gonna be a Grateful Dead, huh?

“I got a lot on my plate right now. I would love to play with those guys: Bobby, Billy, Mickey, Jeff.”

“I got a lot on my plate.”

Hey, that’s your story and you’re sticking to it.

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