Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: mike pence

A Partial Transcript Of Today’s Gun Control Meeting, 2/28/18

“Did everyone try the cookies? Everyone get a cookie? These are, and you have to believe me, the most delicious cookies probably in the world. The whole world. Ratios. All in the ratios. Chips-to-dough. Can’t be too many chips, because that’s just disgusting. You got a mess there. The other way isn’t great, either. Gotta get the ratios. Mike? Where’s Mike? He never stops by lately, he’s probably in church, loves going to church. Mike?”

“Here, sir.”

“Where’s my vice-president? Mike?”

“I’m right here, sir.”

“Okay, Mike. You moved. I knew where you were, but you moved. Have you tried the cookies?”

“Sir, we have an agenda to–”

“I’m the president, and I make the agenda. Cookies are on the agenda. Eat a cookie, Mike. Jesus says it’s okay.”

“I really prefer to snack on cottage cheese and tepid water, sir.”

“Mike, I need your loyalty on this. Are you gonna be loyal, Mike? I need cookie loyalty.”

“I’ll have his cookies, Mr. President.”

“Who said that? What?”

“Dianne Feinstein, sir.”

“Where are you?”

“Literally six inches to your left, sir.”

“I knew that. I saw you the entire time, Dianne Feinstein, right, very Democratic, very bad.”

“Oh, I’m not so bad.”

“You’re not so bad.”


“You were right, Mr. President. About a lot of things, but specifically these cookies. The best.”

“The best!”

“You pick the best cookies.”

“I do. I pick the best cookies.”

“Hey, let’s ban assault weapons.”

“Y’know, that’s a good idea. Hey, everybody: let’s ban assault weapons.”


“Mr. President, if I might speak from personal experience here: when I was shot last year at a Congressional softball practice–”

“Steve Something.”

“–I was saved…Scalise, sir…by several armed–”

“I like Senators that don’t get shot. We got too many guns. I’m not talking about bing bing bing, I’m talking about the whammajammas. Whatever they’re called, the black ones. We gotta get rid of the black whammajammas, gentlemen. Up to me, I do a comprehensive. All at once, we create something beautiful. We do a comprehensive and we do a bipartisan.”

“Mr. President, I think we’re drifting–”

“Mike, how are we doing with that cookie?”

“I’m fine with the cookie.”

“Filet-O-Fish? I’ll call the guy.”

“Sir, while we are all deeply saddened by the tragedy in Parkand, we need to make sure we’re not having a knee-jerk reaction.”

“Not like this is the first one. Keeps happening! These are sick people, sick, and they’re crazy in the head. And that’s sad. But there’s nothing you can do for crazy. Sad. Nothing you can do. But they got guns! I think we gotta take the guns. Go in there and grab ’em. First you grab the guns, and then you worry about the legal. The legal will come later. Forget about the legal, you gotta grab the guns.”

“I think we need to worry about ‘the legal,’ sir.”

“Man, this guy. Mike Pence loves guns so much. Mike, how much did the NRA give you this year?”

“We’re on teevee, sir.”

“Tons! They own half this room. NRA owns you guys, but we gotta do something about the guns.”

“Mr. President, may I have another scrumptious cookie?”

“Absolutely, Dianne.”

“You have the best taste in snacks.”

“Many people tell me that. Great snacks.”

“Much better than Obama.”

“Yes, yes, much better than Obama.”

“Hey, let’s raise the age limit on handguns to 21.”

“Great idea. Hey, everybody–”



What Else Does Mike Pence Refuse To Do Without His Wife?

  • Sunbathe.
  • Window shop.
  • Mike Pence will not play mixed doubles tennis with a woman who is not his wife.
  • Fish.
  • Exacerbate HIV outbreaks.
  • Steal Christmas.
  • Tae Bo.

I Agree With Steven Van Zandt


I salute Steven Van Zandt for his restraint, ethics, and compassion in his opinion on today’s controversy. (Not the President-Elect settling a class-action fraud suit for $25 million, the shiny distraction.) I would salute him further for his outspokenness, but Steven has saluted himself for that.

Mike Pence attended the musical Hamilton last night; he was roundly booed, and one of the actors addressed him directly during the curtain call. I do not know whether the short speech was in specific reference to legislation Mike Pence has shepherded and signed legalizing discrimination against homosexuals, nor am I aware if the actor mentioned Governor Pence’s advocacy of using government funds on conversion therapy.*

The theater, according to people who do not work in theater, is a sacred space. It is where Art is made, and capitalized, and must rise above our petty preoccupations; I agree with Steven Van Zandt: mixing politics and Hamilton was a mistake.

What happened last night was bullying, for a certain** definition of the word, and it has no place on the stage. The appropriate response would have been to perform the show as written, then call a bunch of your celebrity buddies, and record a terrible protest song. That’s how we do things in Jersey.

Steven Van Zandt–who has been known as both Little Steven and Miami Steve, which is ironic seeing as how both the little guy and your typical Miami resident will soon be getting fucked by the man he’s defending–believes that the actors should have asked for a meeting with Pence, so that they could say things privately about things he’s done publicly. Van Zandt would also be fine with a letter, but not an open one printed in the paper (bullying); a disapproving look, but not a head shake (also bullying); or giving Mike Pence a weak handshake. (Obviously, refusing to shake the Veep’s hand would be bullying of the lowest variety.)

Would Martin Luther King have appreciated what you did, Hamilton, boldly declaring yourself to be a human being in front of a powerful man who did not agree? Don’t you recall how Christ was respectful to the money changers, waiting until they were all in private to bring up his disagreements? Just because a man builds his career on the persecution of minorities doesn’t give them the right to ask him to stop. Lotta balls you got on you, Hamilton.

Unlike his solo albums, Steven Van Zandt’s words should be listened to. Art must be for everyone, as opposed to civil rights, which are for the people Mike Pence says can have them. Huzzah, Little Steven: I doff my bandana to you.

*Forced therapy, actually. Your parents could sign you up for it if they found your porn stash was not straight porn, which the Lord dislikes but will forgive, or gay porn, which the Lord detests. Large men would come into your bedroom real early in the morning and snatch you up and bring you somewhere. If they couldn’t talk the gay out of you, they’d hook you up to a car battery and burn it out of you. Tax money would pay for it, and if you can reconcile supporting this and the Hyde Amendment simultaneously, then you’re a better man than I, Gunga Din.


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