Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: mountain girl (page 1 of 2)

A Bus(c)h And A Mountain (And Trixie And Some Guitars And An Actual Mountain)*

“Could you guys gesture at the guitars?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

“Why?”

“Just try it once.”

“I dunno.”

“You sure?”

“Eh.”

“GESTURE AT THE FUCKING GUITARS!”

“Thank you.”

OR

Matt Busch, you are too skinny. Eat some potato chips and wash them down with melted butter.

OR

“Hey, Garcia, here’s your new guitar.”

“Put some bullshit behind the bridge.”

“Um, what kind of–”

“PUT SOME BULLSHIT BEHIND THE BRIDGE!”

“Okay.”

“And bring me some potato chips and melted butter.”

 

*Worst title ever? It’s up there. (Or down there, whichever.)

Every Breath You Take

You’re up early.

“Nah, fucker. Up late.”

What’s happened to you?

“Vacation Trixie is a fucking hellcat, bro. I’m raging.”

You’re taking a hike with your mom.

“It’s a family-oriented rage.”

How was the after-party?

“Party was wild. It was really a Jerry Tribute.”

Nitrous room?

“Nitrous room. I stay away from that shit, though.”

Good choice.

“I stuck with shrooms and cognac.”

Is that a good combination?

“It’s an active combination. Lotta things going on at once.”

Okay.

“Poured a little out for dad.”

That’s sweet.

“Then I lit a mattress on fire for him.”

Sweet in a different way, but still sweet.

“Ow. Someone’s flashing a light in my eyes from over there.”

Where?

“There!”

Are you pointing?

“Yes.”

Well, Trix, this is a dialogue-based form. I just can’t–

“Go and take care of it, dipshit.”

Yes, ma’am. Hey!

“Vhat?”

Oh, this is creepy.

“Is personal now. Putin develop feelings for Trixie Grateful.”

Dude, you back the fuck off.

“All is fair in love and var.”

That’s kind of your motto, isn’t it?

“Da. In Russian, but: da.”

Stay away from Trixie.

“Putin vill take her like Crimea.”

None of this is okay.

“I vill voo her.”

Voo?

“Nyet. Voo. I vill voo her. Putin vill pitch his voo.”

Ah.

“Do nyet make fun of accent.”

What could you possibly have to offer Trixie?

“Poland.”

You don’t have Poland.

“Give Putin two years.”

She doesn’t want Poland.

“Dacha on Black Sea.”

Not her thing.

“Condo in Trump Tower.”

Definitely not her thing.

“Maybe Putin send dick pic.”

Yeah, try that. I bet she’ll go for it.

“You think?”

Uh-huh.

“Putin vill take selfie of Russian meat. Must go fluff and…vhat is light flashing over there?”

Where?

“Ve should nyet repeat this joke.”

True.

“Putin see.”

“Kim see you, Snowball Dick.”

Goddammit.

I’m not okay with this.

“Hello, Fatty.”

“Hello, Baldy. See you found shirt.”

“Vhen you are not great big fatso, you valk around vithout shirt.”

“Keep up talk. After nuke America, maybe nuke you.”

“Kim Jong-Un went too far. Apologize.”

“Spaceeba. Vhy you here?”

“Jerry Tribute. Warren Haynes there, then I there.”

“Am burned out on Varren Haynes.”

“No talk bad about Warren.”

“Is enough vith him.”

“War-dog is man!”

SHUT UP the both of you. I need you out of America right now.

“Nyet.”

“Here to stay, Yankee Noodle.”

Gets Cold In The Mountains

Stay away from the one on the right.

“Mountain Girl?”

My right.

“Oh. Yeah, no problem. Trixie’s a beautiful woman, but I’m a happily married man.”

How old’s the kid now?

“Going on three.”

Teaching him how to play yet?

“Of course! Dead’s gonna need a new bass player in a couple decades.”

The music’s never gonna stop, is it?

“Nope. Hey, uh, I thought you were taking care of that guy.”

Which guy?

“You know which guy.”

Goddammit.

“You vill take care of Putin?”

I’m gonna chase your Commie ass back to the Caucuses.

“Putin do nothing wrong. Is vitch hunt.”

No witch hunt, no witch hunt.

“Leave Putin alone. Is time for…how you say in English? Covfefe?”

Coffee.

“You see vhat Putin did?”

Yes.

“Putin love coffee. Best part of vaking up is having your enemies murdered. And also Folger’s.”

Get away from Red Rocks.

“Red Rocks is historically part of Russia.”

Totally isn’t.

“Many Russian citizens here being oppressed by jam bands. Putin liberate.”

The only thing you liberate is other people’s money.

“Use money to buy giant hats. You like hat?”

No!

“You like hat?”

No.

“You like hat?”

Yeah, fine, it’s a cool hat.

“And jacket?”

Jacket’s pretty cool, too.

“Putin vins again.”

I hate you.

“Da.”

Putting The Red In Red Rocks

“Y’know, Mrs. Adams-Girl-Kesey-Garcia, I just introduced a proprietary strain of weed under my own brand.”

“Really?

“Yeah. Very exciting. Do you know anything about growing weed?”

“You’re adorable.”

“What did I say?”

“Nothing, junior. Hey, who is that guy?”

“The shirtless one in the river over there? He looks familiar”

“Getting a bad vibe off him.”

“I’ll check him out.”

“Would you?”

“Course. Hey! Can I help you?’

“Nyet need help.”

“Putin catch fish.”

“Are you supposed to be here?”

“Putin go vhere Putin vant.”

“Can I see your pass?”

“Pecs are pass.”

“They’re not.”

“You are nyet in charge, Black Phil.”

“Do not call me that. And where’d you get a river from?”

“Bring vith me.”

“You can do that?”

“Da. Is most beautiful river in world. Many people say this.”

“Whatever. You’re bothering MG, and you’ve got to go.”

“Vhat!? You are 69’ing Putin?”

“86. You mean 86’ing.”

“Ah. English nyet idiomatic.”

“It’s pretty good, man. Lot better than my Russian.”

“Spaceeba. Vould you like to learn Russian vord?”

“Sure.”

“Vord is kompromat.

“Ooh, that sounds neat. What does it mean?”

“Come back to hotel and Putin show you.”

“Okay.”

“OTEIL! Go back in the dressing room!’

“Aww, Mountain Girl, I was playing with my new friend.”

“Now, mister!”

“Okay.”

“And YOU!”

“Vhat? Putin do nothing, Voman of Mountains.”

“Go! Get out of here before I take my shoe off!”

“But I vas fish–”

“NOW!”

“Da, ma’am.”

Gatecrashers At The Pipes Of Dawn

Hello, Trixie. You’ve gone pinkish.

“I need you to be honest with me: are you going to show up at my house one day?”

Am I invited?

“No. Not at all.”

Then I will not.

“Promise?”

I don’t have the follow-through to be a stalker.

“I’ll take it.”

This is a very sweet picture.

“I know, right? Jerry’s girls. All eight of us.”

Your dad loved him his guitars.

“When I was a kid and went to my friends’ houses, I would think it was weird that their dads didn’t sit there playing scales while they were talking to us.”

This is Red Rocks for the big concert?

“Yeah! Bobby’s here and Oteil and John Mayer and Warren and Melvin. My whole family. It’s been great, really great.”

I’m very happy to hear that.

“Except for that guy.”

Which guy?

“The shirtless guy right over there. No one knows how he got backstage, but he won’t leave.”

Lemme handle it. Hey!

“Shto?”

Oh, fuck.

“Do nyet be harshing Putin’s mellow. Putin is on vacay.”

Get away from the Garcias.

“Do Garcias write about me?”

No.

“Then they are in no danger. Putin have very stressful year. Tired of so much vinning. Must relax.”

You don’t have to do it at Red Rocks during a Jerry Garcia tribute concert.

“Could nyet get Baker’s Dozen tickets.”

I find that hard to believe.

“Putin nyet up to anything. Have James Patterson novel. Vill read by pool.”

You’re up to something.

“This is how Putin gets groove back.”

I’m watching you.

“And me, you.”

City Chooglers II: The Search For Bobby’s Gold

This is the shot they print on the front page of the paper: DAY HIKERS EATEN BY BEAR, EACH OTHER.

OR

Bobby’s got a new hat? Bobby’s wearing his new hat. Simple equation.

Ladies Man

Jerry-and-Heather

Happy Father’s Day, Garcia.

“Shh.”

Sorry.

“Just got her to sleep.”

What’s the point of a baby sleeping if you can’t Instagram it?

“What?”

Nothing. That’s Heather, right?

“Yeah.”

Pretty name.

“Pretty girl. I like girls. Some guys wanna have boys, but I like girls.”

That is good to hear.

“Why?”

jerry wives daughters

“Good God, what is that?”

Your family.

“Just one?”

Couple of ’em.

“I gotta get some gigs, man.”

Happy Father’s Day.

“Sure, yeah.”

Am I A Clown To You?

IMG_1322

“Clown? Check. Jew? Check? Woman named ‘Mountain Girl?’ Check. I guess that’s a quorum, then.”

No MG, BMW

jerry bmw 2 1973 MG

And here’s MG in Garcia’s ’73 BMW (I suspect it’s hers at this point and if she just toodles around town in it, then god bless her.)

Mechanically-inclined will note the lack of a “B” pillar and modern seatbelts. This is an old German design called Ein DeathTrappegNugen.

Battle of The Bulge

jerry mountain girl 70 fest

Garcia’s belly is bigger than Mountain Girl’s and she’s pregnant.

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