Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: nazi

A Voice Of Hate, The Look Of Love

Eddie and Brenda McCaughey were married this fall. They registered at Target. On their list was a muffin tin, a fancy ice cube maker, and a sofa. Ms. McCaughey, 25, was worried about Antifa bashing up the ceremony. Weddings are hard enough to plan for when your fiancé is not an avowed white nationalist.

They sat shoulder-to-shoulder in an Applebee’s outside of Dayton and finished each other’s sentences. He was in a tee-shirt, and she was in a sleeveless jean jacket, and they were in love. They decided on the boneless chicken wings.

“Nigger dinner,” Eddie told this reporter, who did not follow up on that assertion and instead asked him about his tattoos. One was of a piece of pie, which symbolized his love for the cult television program Twin Peaks, and another was a swastika.

“Tell me about the pie tattoo,” this reporter said.

The rolling hills of Ohio flatten into lumpy brown plains covered with Steak & Shakes outside, but inside the Applebee’s is a young couple that could live next door to you. Some Americans might take umbrage to Eddie’s beliefs, statements, actions, and plans, but the Times decided to give him a chance to explain himself.

“I want every kike dead,” he explained himself.

Eddie’s face is lean and pale, with pointed eyebrows that make him look like Victor Mature. Everyone he comes across, he addresses as “Sir” or “Ma’am,” and he smells like sandalwood. He asked after this reporter’s family several times, about their health and careers and whether they were Filipino.  He and Brenda have two cats in their small, tidy house named Hitler and Hitler; they came in and out as Eddie prepared dinner, prowling under the couch and over the improvised explosive device that sat half-finished on the living room chair.

“That’s for a mosque a couple miles away,” Eddie said, motioning to the IED. Then he showed off how well he played the drums. Brenda arrived home from her job as a kindergarten teacher, and Eddie leapt from behind the kit to welcome her. When they kissed, it was like everyone in the world was in love all at once.

“That smells wonderful, honey,” she said.

“The Holocaust didn’t happen, but I wish it did,” he answered.

The stars were coming out in the Ohio sky, and a copy of Behold A Pale Rider sat next to the DVD’s from season 3 of Seinfeld, and two crazy kids tried to make it in this world against long odds.

 

(After this bullshit.)

An Imperfect Storm

“How dare the fire department attack that fire? The arsonist was just expressing his views.”

“Telling that man to put his dick away makes you just as bad as him. Whatever happened to ‘I don’t agree with your dick, but I’ll fight to the death for your right to take it out in the food court?'”

“The real Yankees are the team playing the Yankees.”

Can’t we get back to silly little skitches and making up words?

Ah, you know. Got Nazis on the brain.

Go find some wacky pictures of Phil or something. You’re driving yourself nuts.

I know, I know. But…

But what?

Nothing.

What did you do?

I might kind of sort of a little bit be hosting the Daily Stormer.

I can’t with you.

IT WAS EASY MONEY.

What so you even mean by hosting? You don’t have a server. You barely know how to use your computer.

What do computers have to do with it? I’m hosting them.

Like, physically?

They’re in the living room.

The Daily Stormer is in the living room?

Well, I’m not letting them in the solarium.

Tell the Nazis to get out.

Dude, free speech.

This has literally nothing to do with free speech.

Commerce Clause? It’s in the Constitution somewhere. I wish I could get rid of them: they’re complete assholes.

Shocker.

They took my Galactus action figure and turned it into a Robert E. Lee statue. And the house stinks like citronella.

The tiki torches?

Those fuckers are obsessed.

Throw the Nazis out.

What if some of them are fine people who just happen to work for the Stormer?

Ah. We have a name for those people.

What?

Nazis. Throw them out and write something funny.

You’re not the boss of me.

I actually am.

I know.

I Say We Hear Him Out

I’m trying, Enthusiasts, I truly am. I’m trying to imagine who could be the other side in a dispute with Nazis where I’d be stymied to pick a side. Almost all of them are fictional. Let’s see…

The Khmer Rouge On one hand, I’m Jewish; on the other, I wear glasses. No matter who wins this one, I’m getting executed. This one’s a tie.

Soviets We did this already, and I think backing Uncle Joe was the way to go.

Zombies Trick question: you pretend to partner with the Nazis to kill all the zombies, then shoot all the Nazis. Zombies are morally superior to Nazis because they have no choice in the matter: zombies are driven by voodoo or magic or a virus or whatever; Nazis chose to be assholes. Also, there are no racist zombies. Zombie’ll eat anyone’s brains. (Would a Nazi zombie refuse to eat Jew brains? And if you dropped him in Tel Aviv, he’d starve to death?)

Werewolfs C’mon. Werewolfs are dangerous three nights out of the month. Nazis are always Nazis. Unless, of course, we’re talking about the elusive werenazi.

The Galactic Empire Listen, if you were anyone but an Alderaanian, you loved the Empire. Peace and order, plus a strong Imperial Credit. Going with the Empire.

Multiple Garbage Bags Full of Herpes Garbage bags stay in one place, but Nazis invade Poland. Winner: Garbage Bags Full of Herpes.

Mongol Horde People get the Mongol Horde wrong. They just wanted money and land. If you cooperated with them, your village would get their protection and you could keep your language and gods. The Nazis did not have that arrangement. Again, I must side against the Nazis.

Draculas Draculas can only harm you on average 12 hours a day; not so with Nazis. Point: Draculas.

Giant Spiders With Dicks For Fangs Fine, I would choose the Nazis over the dick-spiders. You got me.

In Which Both Sides Can Be Argued

Sorry if I haven’t been very funny the past few days.

Or ever.

Shut up, you. I go to write a little make-em-up, and then I remember: oh, right, Nazis. Gentiles do not know this, but all Jews are born with Spidey-Sense for the tenets of National Socialism. The hairs on our arms go up.

Could you call them goosestep-bumps?

You could, yes. But let’s try to focus on something entirely inconsequential and get our minds off the world. We shall now have an incredibly shallow debate: hear, hear OR here, here? (Thanks to Murray in the Comment Section for inspiring this distraction.)

On one hand, this is not even a question: the Oxford English Dictionary says that the phrase is “hear, hear” and it’s been in common usage since the 1600’s. On the other hand, the OED is an English dictionary, and I speak American.

Hear, hear is easily explainable. In agreeing with a speaker or a specific point made, one might yell “I hear that” or “I hear you” and just as “God be with you” got shortened to “goodbye” over the years, so did “hear, hear.”

But I always liked “here, here.” I always picture a coffee shop in Boston before the Revolution. Samuel Adams is giving a speech and Ethan Allen stands up and says, “This motherfucker here? This motherfucker here is my motherfucker here.” (Ethan Allen was notoriously foul-mouthed.) And then everyone poured out some hard cider for Crispus Attucks.

Are you getting to a point?

No. Not at all. Just trying to avoid thinking about Nazis.

This motherfucker here.

What I’m talking about.

Charlottesville: An FAQ

What the fuck just happened?

Nazis started a riot in Virginia.

That sounds like a simplistic interpretation.

Necessarily so. Truth is so often obscured by detail. Many people have been obsessing about this detail and that today as a way of not mentioning the truth, which is that Nazis started a riot in Virginia.

You really shouldn’t go throwing that word around.

Virginia?

Nazis.

Nazis!? Where!?

Stop that.

They were either Nazis, or they all had the same cramp in their right arm. And, you know, the Nazi flags and tattoos and uniforms. Oh, and people wound up dead, which is very Nazi-like.

But they weren’t all Nazis.

Dude, did you just pull a #NOTALLNAZIS with me?

What I’m asking is: do they call themselves Nazis?

Who gives a fuck what they call themselves? NAMBLA called themselves “boy-lovers,” but the rest of us didn’t have to go along with them. Best to call a spade a spade, especially when that spade’s a Nazi. We must be as adamant in our language as they are slippery in theirs. All of this alt-right/white nationalist/ethnostatist/whatever the fuck is just there to obfuscate. This is an “if the jackboot fits” situation.

Okay, fine. Why were they in Charlottesville?

I told you: to start a riot. Same reason they get their speakers booked on ultra-liberal college campuses. They went there to cause trouble.

But they didn’t say that. What was the stated reason?

Ah. To defend a statue of Robert E. Lee.

What’s happening to the statue?

Being taken down.

Why?

The treason.

Again: glib. The Civil War was an important event in our history, and you can’t just throw away history.

Agreed. But you don’t have to erect a giant statue of a traitorous slaver in a public park. And again: Lee committed treason. There aren’t any statues of Quisling in fucking Oslo, are there? Besides, these guys aren’t real history buffs. They don’t care about the Civil War so much as the bit before it when it was okay to own black people.

So the Nazis came to defend a statue.

No. I can’t keep repeating myself. They came to start a riot.

Fine, but isn’t the best thing to do to take the high road? Maybe we should just ignore them.

We tried that last time. For, like, all of the 30’s.

How’d it work?

It didn’t. Turns out we should have strangled the baby in the cradle. Hitler even said so.

He did?

Sure. And, you know: you can trust Hitler.

Can we get back to Charlottesville?

I don’t want to go there. Place is full of Nazis.

Can’t some of the blame be put on the counter-protestors?

Sure. Same way the gunshot wound in the burglar can be blamed on the homeowner. These Nazi fucks went to someone else’s home and paraded around with their guns strapped to them while chanting about killing Jews.

And so the antifa have the right to resort to violence?

By “antifa,” do you mean “people opposed to Nazis?”

I suppose.

Okay.

No one should be assaulted for their beliefs.

No one was. They were assaulted because of their actions. They stood up with a group whose tenet is destruction and murder along racial lines. That’s an action.

But what about the First–

THE FIRST AMENDMENT APPLIES TO THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT!

You don’t have to yell.

Don’t be stupid and I won’t yell. The First Amendment was actually upheld in this debacle, as the Nazis were given a permit to march on public streets.

Why are they doing this?

The Nazis?

Yeah.

Because they’re human, so they’re monsters.

What about the people who went to protest them?

They went because they’re human, too.

Three people died.

They did.

Are more going to?

They will.

Why is this happening?

Donald Trump.

That’s a simplistic interpretation.

Truth is so often obscured by detail.

It’s Come To This

I have been turned into an inspirational Instagram meme.

On The Propriety Of Punching Nazis, An FAQ

Can I punch Nazis?

I don’t know. Can you?

I am capable of the act, yes.

Then you should.

May I?

The answer to that is also yes.

My mother told me that violence was never the answer.

My mother told me I was handsome; you can’t always listen to your mother.

What happened to letting the other guy throw the first punch?

Nazis don’t throw the first punch. Nazis burn the first Reichstag.

Aren’t the Left supposed to be the tolerant ones?

Supposed to be the smart ones, too, but they keep falling for that “I thought you were supposed to be the tolerant ones” horseshit.

What about dialogue?

Dialogue is for reasonable people acting in good faith. Dialogue is between two acceptable positions. “Taxes need to be raised” vs. “taxes need to be lowered” is grounds for dialogue. “Taxes need to be raised” vs. “Jews should be thrown in ovens” is grounds for a beating.

But isn’t this sinking to their level?

That depends. After you punch the Nazi, do you espouse the tenets of National Socialism?

No.

Then you’re better than a Nazi.

But doesn’t this just give the other side ammunition?

The other side in this argument are lying fucks who can twist any piece of information into a swastika-shaped balloon animal if you engage them in good faith; lacking a piece of information, they’ll just make shit up. Might as well punch a Nazi.

What about peace, love, and understanding?

Great goals, and once we get rid of the Nazis we can get to work on them. All three are completely impossible when Nazis are about.

When should you punch a Nazi?

Whenever you get a chance. Preferably when they’re not looking.

What if they’re smaller than you?

Hit them with your fist.

What if they’re bigger?

Hit them with a bat.

Isn’t this a slippery slope?

After we defeated the Nazis in World War II, did we keep shooting people or did the troops come home and start having babies?

The second thing.

There you go. The slippery slope argument is nine times out of ten bullshit. Human beings are good with slippery slopes: we build stairs.

What if you think you’re punching a Nazi, but you just hit a white guy with a shitty haircut?

Run.

What should you do if you hit a Nazi?

You should run then, too. Don’t get me wrong: punching Nazis is still illegal. We’re discussing morality.

But I don’t want to punch anyone.

Then get off your duff, mister, and give aid and support to the boys folks on the front lines. We’re all in this together. Again.

 

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It’s Already Happened Here

The world ends not with a whimper, nor with a bang, but with a mispronounced German slur shouted by a yokel over a Backstreet Boy song.

Lügenpresse, it will not shock you to learn, is a German word: it has an umlaut, and umlaut itself is a German word, which means lügenpresse is a German word containing another German word. It’s like a Russian nesting doll, but German. It means “lying press,” denotatively. The connotation is a whole ‘nother thing, you’ve probably guessed.

Maybe the guy in the hat was raised in a German-speaking household, and was innocently sharing some of his culture with his new friend. Perhaps the two men are fans of Angela Merkel’s Christian Democrats and their cautious progressivism. Could be they recognized one of the reporters from De Bild and wanted the reporter to know what they thought of him, even if he didn’t speak English.

Lot of reasons come to mind.

I’m overreacting. Blowing things out of proportion, like I tend to. This is America.

nazi-bund-rally

So’s this. Forty-Ninth and Eighth, to be exact. (This is the old Madison Square Garden, which was a mile-and-a-half north of the current one.) 2/20/39: terrible show. Sold out, and though George Washington is on the poster, a man named Fritz Kuhn was at the podium; he was the leader of the American Nazi Party. Nazis sold out the Garden, which was on Forty-Ninth and Eighth, which is in New York City, which is in America.

They had a blast that night, the Nazis, doing Nazi things and saying Nazi stuff. It was a fun night out, at least until it was time to go home. Men were waiting by the exits. Men who do not exist any more in any form, men with no foreskins and broken noses, men with names like Abe “Kid Twist” Reles and Longy Zwillman and Jacob “Gurrah” Shapiro and Louis “Lepke” Buchalter were waiting at the exits. That’s my favorite part of the story, but to linger on it too long is to forget that a couple dozen Jews is less than fifteen thousand Nazis. Sold out the Garden.

To check if there’s gas in the mine, you ask a canary.

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