Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: paul manafort

The Daily Recounting 10/30/17

The first shoe dropped today, but we’re waiting for more than one other one, as the shoes are worn by the centipede of justice.

That was the worst sentence I’ve ever heard.

Shh, you. Enthusiasts, today was Jailoween in Washington. The arrests have started, and more excitingly, the flipping has begun. Most likely, there has already been a wire worn into meetings with high-level officials. As always, I beg of you to get your information from sources that are not me. I’m not that smart, and I think it’s funny to lie. Go read the paper.

But, I would like to point out some of the more piquant details of the day in no particular fashion:

  • Among the players are characters such  as “The Professor” and “Putin’s niece.”
  • That second one isn’t a euphemism: a Russian spy told someone who works as a foreign policy advisor to the President of the United States that she was Vladimir Putin’s niece, and he said, “Wow, cool.”
  • One might assume that foreign policy advisors have the ability to verify that sort of information.
  • Of course, one might assume that foreign policy advisors wouldn’t use Facebook to set up secret meetings with Russians, but here we are.
  • We speak of George Papadopoulos, who has a comedically ethnic name, and is not intelligent.
  • Remember the thing about Facebook, and the treason suggested thereupon?
  • Well, after Big Papa lied to the FBI, he went home and deleted his account.
  • That’ll do it.
  • The password to the email account Paul Manafort used to launder money and betray his country was probably Bond007.
  • Seriously.
  • And he wears very fancy clothes, $1.3 million in six years’ worth, but still manages to look like a Chazz Palmentieri impersonator.
  • John Kelly, whom dipshits and fantasists hailed as a moderating influence, defended the Confederacy on teevee.
  • A judge granted a preliminary injunction against Turnip’s military band on transgendered folks.
  • A preliminary injunction isn’t a decision, it comes first; hence the “preliminary.”
  • And it stops behavior, hence the “injunction.”
  • For legal terms, it’s actually rather transparent.
  • You get a preliminary injunction when the court is almost positive that you’re going to win your case; the District Judge in D.C. found that the ban likely violates the troops’ Fifth Amendment rights.
  • Now, the government could provide an excellent argument as to why the ban was Constitutional and the case could be decided for them, but until then: gotta let ’em in.
  • You know what would be fun?
  • Ask Shitface to explain a temporary injunction.
  • “Short-lived. People don’t know this, but it’s right in the name. Not permanent. Just a little injunction.”
  • And so on.

Maggie Haberman’s Late Night Phone Calls Continue On With No Sign Of End

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Ugh. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. Three in the fucking morning. Every time. None of them sleep. What?”

“Uh, hi. Aeroflot? I need a plane ticket. Preferably to Moscow, but Ukraine or Belarus will do, too. Whichever flight leaves first. I’m a Caviar-Level member.”

“This isn’t Aeroflot, Manafort. You called Maggie Haberman.”

“From the Times?”

“Yup.”

“Well, shit, it’s not like I could be in any more trouble at this point.”

“Skipping town, Paul?”

“Absolutely not. Just wanted to get in a little weekend vacation.”

“In Belarus?”

“Or Qatar.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Maybe Morocco.”

“Why Morocco, Paul?”

“The waters.”

“Not the fact that it has no extradition treaty with the US?”

“Does it not? I had no idea. Wow. You journalists sure are smart cookies.”

“Cut the shit, Manafort.”

“I can’t go to jail, Maggie. I’m used to the finer things in life, like not being anally raped.”

“I hate these phone calls.”

“This is a witch hunt, that’s what it is. All I did was secretly accept payoffs from a foreign country to influence American government officials. That’s not a crime.”

“It totally is. It might be several crimes, in fact.”

“Oh, what do I know about the law? I’m just a small-town international lobbyist.”

“You work for dictators.”

“Hey, everyone’s got a tough boss.”

“No, not metaphorical dictators. You work for literal tyrants who have their enemies tortured and killed.”

“Yes, but I never sexually harassed anyone. I think that counts for something this week.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Probably not. Maggie, this ain’t looking good. Mueller’s got everything. He never stops. He never sleeps. He’s like the shark from Jaws, but taller. Maybe I could jam a scuba tank in his mouth and blow him up.”

“That won’t work.”

“Have you seen his mouth? It’s really big.”

“Still.”

“Jesus, I’m gonna get hosed. Why’d I get involved with these amateurs? That little fucking Kushner kid is gonna send me to jail. You know he came up with a money laundering scheme?”

“Kushner? What was it?”

“He said we should take the money, convert it into change, then bring it down to the Coinstar machine at the supermarket.”

“That sounds like Kushner.”

“Stupidest people you’ve ever met. Don Junior used to text me. ‘Hey, it’s Junior. How’s the collusion coming?’ I am screwed.”

“Yup.”

“I’m considering throwing myself on the mercy of the court. I mean: it is my first offense.”

“I don’t think ‘first offense’ means anything when the offense is treason.”

“My lawyer says I might get probation.”

“Who’s your lawyer?”

“Lisa Bloom.”

“You should get a new lawyer.”

“Probably. Hey, Maggie? Buddy?”

“Not your buddy.”

“You got an extra passport laying around?”

“I’m hanging up the phone.”

“Okay. Listen, don’t tell anyone about this call, okay?”

CLICK

“No dice, Mr. Manafort. You called down the thunder and now you’re getting the lightning.”

“Who is that?”

“This is Robert Mueller. I’ve been tapping Mrs. Haberman’s phone for months.”

“Shit.”

“What!?”

“I’m everywhere, Mr. Manafort. You attempt to leave the country and I will know.”

CLICK

“That guy’s good.”

“I’m going to jail.”

“Looks that way.”

“I’ll give you three million dollars in change to drive me to Bolivia.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER MAKE THAT NOISE

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