Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: paul mccartney (page 1 of 2)

The Only Way To Trip

Let’s be honest about the subtext of Desert Trip, Enthusiasts, also known as Oldchella: See ’em before they die! These are some creaky-ass white men with guitars, and there are malignancies growing within them; the elasticity has dripped from their skin, and their forearms hang and sway. 2016 is outside with a machete and a hard-on, and literally any rock star could be taken at any moment.

This way to the egress, suckers.

I’m sure I’ll talk about it some more, especially if it’s streamed. (My guess is that, like Coachella or Lockn’, they’ll announce a stream two days before.) I have very little personal or musical interest: as I mentioned, I saw the Stones and Floyd two decades ago, and they’re still doing the exact same shows; the interesting musicians in The Who are dead; I’m allergic to Paul McCartney. Neil Young will be performing, and I get yelled at when I discuss my feelings about him, so I’ll just note that Neil Young is performing. Bob Dylan will also be making that noise he makes.

“HHHHEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHeeeeeeeehhhhh.”

Or singing torch songs, or maybe he’s rearranged all his old tunes for an oompah band: something irritating like that.

But the bullshit, Enthusiasts? Oh, will I be paying attention to the bullshit and there is so much; you can luxuriate in it. Now, Oldchella is out in Indio,  CA, which is on the edge of the desert, halfway to Barstow. It’s not near anything, so you have to travel there and stay there for the weekend, and the amenities being offered are varied in price and comfort.

TotD has spies everywhere, though, and one of the Haight Street Irregulars has passed along this information about the ultra-high end lodging package, which is not available to the public due to the clientele’s  need for discretion. I mean, you could stay in this shitty place…

screen-shot-2016-10-03-at-8-49-30-pm

…if you were some sort of scum person, or C.H.U.D., or Dickensian orphan; people of means–decent people–need something a little more upscale, which is why Desert Trip offers the Praetor’s Suite Experience®.

Have your social secretary call for pricing about the package, which includes:

  • Six (six) all-access passes to Desert Trip, including backstage and the artists’ bathrooms; you can watch Roger Daltry poop.
  • Round-trip private airfare to and from the concert on both weekends, plus the pilot will do a barrel roll or a loop-de-loop if you ask him to. (Female pilots also available for a small premium.)
  • Your choice of accommodation:
    • Glurt. (A glurt is a Glamour Yurt.)
    • Minimalist house that looks like they shoot catalogues and fancy porn there.
    • Elevated stilt-house so you can throw human waste on the poor people.
    • John Mayer’s Earthroamer. (Limited availability! Call today!)
  • All of the above accommodations come with: emperor-sized bed, private bathroom with dual bidets for your front and back filth, steam showers, full kitchens, solariums. four-car garages, media rooms, and sex dungeons.
  • 24-hour personal shuttle service with access to cars (Teslas only), vans (Mercedes Sprinters), helicopters (identical replica of Marine One), and large men carrying you around.
  • 24-hour protection provided by Katy Perry’s security team.
  • Breakfast delivered to your bedside, along with pharmaceuticals and (for a small premium) tuggers.
  • Bottle of champagne upon arrival, check-in, unpacking, and every twenty minutes thereafter for the entire weekend; the good stuff, too.
  • One-quarter of an ounce of saffron.

For a small additional fee, guests can make Paul McCartney watch them eat a bacon cheeseburger.

Baby, You Can Pledge Drive My Car (Or Bus)

bobby suit tie 80s

“How long is this going on for?”

The telethon?

“Yeah.”

When people give enough money.

“Uh-huh. And, uh, how much is that?”

Just read the teleprompter, Bob.

“Okay. Was that Mike Tyson?”

Just read the ‘prompter, Bob.”

“Sure. Uh, okay. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgahnagl fhtagn.”

Stop reading the ‘prompter, Bob.

“That didn’t sound right.”

No.

paul mac bus

“Bob?”

“Yeah?”

“Feeling’s come back to me limbs, Bob. Right as rain again. I was…I was going to be on me way.”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. Y’know, one of the first things the Dead did, all of us together as a band that wasn’t practicing or whatever? We went to see Hard Day’s Night. You guys. And, uh, we walked out of that theater and that was it. That was it. No way back, y’know? And that was you. Thanks for that.”

“It was me pleasure, Bob. I’ve met them all and I think I had the most fun with you.”

“Huh. Yeah. Oh, uh, sorry about the dosing and the magic and all that.”

“What point is meeting the Dead without some of that, Bob?”

“There you go. Anyway, don’t tell Jimi Hendrix, but you’re my new best friend now, Sir Paul McCartney.”

“Thanks, Bob. Oh, were you doing something?”

“Raising money for a lonely lunatic.”

“How’s it going?”

“Not well.”

“All right then. Cheerio, Bob.”

“See ya. Hey, you should check the bus before you get going.”

“Why?”

“You got anything but tofu, man?”

“I saw Soup skulking around the thing.”

“Heeeey, man.”

In Which Bobby And Sir Paul Set Forth To Find Their Futures, And The Earthroamer’s Bathroom Sings Its Siren Song

lego earthroamer 2

“The Earthroamer looks different than last time, Bob.”

“Y’know, that’s the sort of detail we like to gloss over around here.”

“It’s very nice in here, actually.”

“Have you pooped yet?”

“The very second I got onboard. Couldn’t control me bowels, Bob.”

“Earthroamer does that to people. Drives Josh nuts.”

“Josh?”

“Josh Meyers. New kid in the band. Likes to buy shit, wear clothes. We keep stealing the ‘roamer for adventures, and pooping.”

“Are there many adventures, Bob?”

“There’s sure as shit a lotta pooping!”

lego billy 77.jpg

“Hey, Billy.”

“Just left a log in there. An actual log.”

“Because we’re lego.”

“There ya go, Weir. Where we going?”

“In search of the disgraced rogue chemist Doctor Gary, so we need to find Katy Perry.”

“Ooh, nice. Gonna make a run at her.”

“Okay.”

“Squeeze her melons like a Jewish lady in the produce section.”

“If you say so, Bill.”

“Don’t tell Cher.”

“Dammit, Kreutzmann, stop lying about that.”

“If you say so, Weir. Who’s the old lady in the wig?”

“Sir Patrick Stewart.”

“Never heard of him. Hey, how’d you steal this thing this time? Thought Josh was paying attention to it.”

jm the situation

“He’s busy with his new friends, I guess.”

“Kids these days.”

In Which Bobby And Sir Paul, Who Continue To Be Lego, Realize Both The Nature Of Their Predicament, And, In Conversation With A Shark, A Solution Appears

lego beatles big

“How many days is this going to last, Bob?”

“You’re referring to the fact that while jamming with you and Gronk at Fenway Park last week, my compatriots dosed you and me with God-only-knows-what, causing us to translegofy and also meet many guest stars, including Elvis several times?”

“And also spout exposition, apparently.”

“I was just being polite. Sometimes this crap is tough to follow.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Ser Pico–

“Huh?”

“–I think I know a way out of this. But, first: how does my hair look?”

lego bobby77

“Your hair looks like plastic.”

“Sexy plastic?”

“Bob.”

“All right, all right. Keep your crown on, Your Rampantness. Closest I can figure is we found the LD of the emic.”

“What does that mean?”

“We gave reality an overdose. Might have to jam an adrenaline needle in God’s heart.”

“Metaphorically?”

“Hope so.”

“Bob, you’re making no sense.”

“Yes, but I know someone who does. We just gotta find him. Hey! Lefty!”

“You’re not gonna be mean to me, are you?”

lego left shark

“Nah, I just got a question.”

“My wife left me.”

“Sorry to hear that. You seen Katy Perry? More specifically, you seen Doctor Gary?”

“Last I saw him, he was masterminding Katy’s kidnapping.”

“Didn’t that storyline wrap up?”

“Do storylines ever really wrap up?”

“Sure, sure.”

“Excuse me, Bob: what’s happening here?”

“Oh my God! Yoko Ono!”

“Do I have a trailer I can go to, Bob?”

“Better. Much better.”

lego earthroamer

“Is that an Earthroamer, Bob?”

“Close enough.”

In Which Bobby And Sir Paul Reach A New Level Of Friendship, And, Finding That Level Defended, Fulfill Dreams Of Nerds Multitudinous In Varieties

lego paul hippie.jpg

“Bob, this is simply intolerable.”

“Oh, are we still doing this?”

“What?”

“Nothing. Listen, Ser Pounce–

“Close.”

“–you just have to go with what’s going. It’s what you call a process, right? I mean, you’ve got the event, right? But there’s the simultaneous journey through the event, in fact there are multiple journeys. In the quiet aftermath, we sum up those journeys, discarding the ones that don’t fit the narrative, and label what happened ‘the event.’ But, you know: it’s just people living their lives.”

“Well, that was rather nice, Bob.”

“Yeah, sure. Didn’t think it was gonna be at first, but it turned out all right.”

“Kind of like our friendship, Bob.”

“Uh-huh. We should be best friends.”

“I’d like that so much.”

“How could you do this to me, Bobby!”

lego jimi hendrix

“I thought I was your best friend, Bobby!”

“Aw, Jimi, don’t be this way.”

“You broke Jimi’s heart, baby! I was grateful for our friendship, but now it’s dead, man! You are not groovy!”

“I am so groovy.”

“No, Bobby. You used to be groovy, but you’re a backstabber, man. You’re a jive turkey!”

“Would you say ‘jive turkey?'”

“It didn’t sound right, man.”

“Yeah, no. You have any thoughts, Sir?”

“It jarred the ear a bit. Hey, Jimi!”

“Hi, Yoko.”

“Oh, COME ON! You were dead before John even met her! Bob, I have had enough of this and want to go home immediately.”

“You don’t wanna jam with Jimi and me a little bit?”

“That would be something, huh?”

“That would be an event, yeah.”

“We need a drummer, Bob.”

“I SHALL RULE THE DRUM THRONE WITH AN IRON FIST, WITH MY SON BY MY SIDE.”

lego_darth_vader

“Nope! I want to go home.”

“YOU WILL GO NOWHERE, YOKO. LET’S TRY DAYTRIPPER.”

“I truly regret becoming a part of this, Bob.”

“You should have heard Anderson Cooper whine.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

In Which Things Deteriorate, And Bobby And Sir Paul (Who Are Still Lego) Encounter Old Friends And New

paul mccartnet lego awful

“Bob, I don’t feel good.”

“Yeah, you look bad. Like a Chinese knockoff of yourself.”

“Would be lovely to be sobering up some time soon.”

“You late for something?”

“No, no. Just like to stop being a Lego. Feeling a bit freaked out.”

“Huh. Mr. ‘Y’know, the Beatles took a lotta acid’ is freaked out? How ’bout that?”

“Really, Bob?”

art pins band lego

“Just a bit of friendly rivalry.”

“Which one are you?”

“In the shorts with the guitar.”

“That doesn’t look anything like you.”

“You’re one to talk, Beatle Hitler.”

“Don’t call me Beatle Hitler, Bob.”

“What’s that on your face, then?”

“Okay, yes, yes: it is a Hitler mustache.”

“There ya go.”

“But please don’t…top right, Bob.”

“Huh?”

“The toppermost fellow to the right. Playing a little keyboard.”

“Sure, sure. I wanna say his name is Victor.”

“His head is on upside-down, Bob.”

“Huh.”

“I want to go home, Bob. Or, at the very least, to the nearest five-star hotel.

“Five? Sure, yeah. This tour, we’re only staying at seven-star hotels. The beds are enormous.”

“Bob.”

“There’s a king bed, but these are called emperors.”

“Bob.”

“It’s the size of the entire room, which is actually not great.”

“I want to go home, Bob.”

“AH’LL RESCUE YOU, YER HIGHNESS!

Elvis-Trooper-Lego

“Bob, am I hallucinating, or is Elvis in a Stormtrooper outfit?”

“Those questions aren’t mutually exclusive.”

“YOKO! HAIRY GARCIA! AH WAS FEELIN’ UNWELL AND DR. NICK ATTENDED TO ME. AH WOKE UP AT COMICON IN SOME DANG WEIRDO SUIT, AND NOW AH AM HERE TO RESCUE YOU AND AH WILL ALSO SHARE MAH PILLS, BECAUSE AH AM THE KING.’

“Stop calling me that.”

“I’m actually not Hairy Garcia. I just look like him now.”

“NO TIME FOR THAT HORSEPUCKY! COME WITH THE KING AND HIDE BEHIND MY KARATE AND NUMBER ONE HITS! AH WILL DEFEND YOU FROM THAT THERE GIANT LION!”

“Giant lion?”

lego katy perry superbowl

“Bob, have you seen John?”

“Oh, hey, Katy Perry. Do you know Elvis?”

“MA’AM.”

“Oh, hey, Elvis. We’ve met. Dr. Nick is Dr. Gary’s brother.”

“That makes sense.”

“Where’s John?”

“Portland.”

“Fly, Kitty Purry!”

THE SOUND OF A LEGO LION FLYING TO OREGON, WHATEVER THAT SOUNDS LIKE

“That was unexpected.”

“Sure.”

In Which Bobby And Sir Paul, Who Remain Lego, Examine Their Situation, Meet New Friends, And Are Challenged To Karate By Elvis (Who Is Also Lego)

beatles lego

“Bob, this is getting out of hand.”

“Which part?”

“All of it. All of it, really. The dosing, the legofication, all of it. Me friends are here now, and two of them are supposed to be dead.”

“There might be a little bit of Time Sheath involvement here, I think.”

“Time what?”

“Sheath.”

“Sheath?”

“Yeah, but it’s capitalized.”

“Sheath.”

“Right.”

“Like a time machine?”

“No, not really. Nothing like a machine.”

“It’s a Sheath.”

“Bob, I’m a patient man, but you’re getting me angry.”

“WHO YOU TALKING TO, QUEENFUCKER?”

deadandco lego

“Good one, Lego Billy.”

“Thanks, Lego Branford.”

“Motherfucker, I will kick your lego ass you call me that one more time!”

“Is that your new band, Bob?”

“Appears to be, yeah.”

“This is very good acid, Bob. It is just acid, correct?”

“There might be some other stuff in it.”

“Such as?”

“Magic.”

“Mm, yes.”

“Little bit of turmeric.”

“I was going to say that I was feeling very anti-inflammated.”

“Fellow named Doctor Gary is doing some of our work for us now.”

“Oh, Katy Perry’s man?”

“Yup, yup.”

“Bob, this is it, right? As weird as it’s going to get, I mean?”

“Uhh, yeah? Maybe. Could be. Definitely could be.”

“AH CHALLENGE BOTH BEATLE AND GRATEFUL DEAD TO COMBAT IN MAH LEGO DOJO.”

“Or, you know: not.”

elvis lego karate

“FIGHT WITH THE KING, HARRY GARCIA AND YOKO!”

“Everyone has to stop calling me that.”

“AH WILL KICK YOU WITH MAH HANDS AND PUNCH YOU WITH MAH FEET. AH C’N DO SHIT LIKE THAT CUZ AH’M ELVIS.”

“Do you know him, Bob?”

“Of course I know him: he’s Elvis.”

“No, no. Personally.”

“We’ve not been introduced.”

“Why is he here, then?”

“T’KICK HIPPIE ASS!”

“He’s here to kick hippies ass, I guess.”

“Do we have to fight him?”

“Well see next post?”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

In Which Paul McCartney, Dosed By The Grateful Dead, Turns Into Lego And Is Then Berated By Billy And Mickey (Who Are Also Lego)

The-Beatles-Abbey-Road-version-LEGO-600x365

“Bob?”

“Sure?”

“I must say I’m a bit disappointed with you for dosing me.”

“Well, I didn’t do it.”

“You knew it was happening.”

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t encourage it, though.”

“But you also didn’t stop it.”

“Where’s the bliss in that?”

“Bob?”

lego ded brent

“Yoko?”

“I have warned you about that.”

“Shut the fuck up, limey!”

“You tell him, Billy! Watch your mouth, fuckface!”

“Good one, Mick! I’ll punch your wig in the dick, you talk to Weir that way!”

“Yeah, only we get to talk to Weir that way.”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

“You let your drummers speak?”

“Can’t rightly stop ’em most of the time.”

“Wow. Ringo cleared his throat too loudly once, and Lennon choked him out.”

“Huh.”

“How long will we be Lego?”

“Another post or two.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Weir On Our Way Home

bobby paul mccartney

“Bob, I’m going to ask you a question and I need you to tell me the truth, and also I desperately need you not to call me ‘Yoko’ anymore.”

“Sure, Ozzy.”

“Close enough. And I know you seem to view a conversation as some form of interpretive dance, but I must ask you that be straightforward with me.”

“Yup, okay.”

“Did you dose me?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“I was too specific in me question, wasn’t I?”

“Yup.”

“Have I been dosed?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“And who was it that dosed me?”

“No one dosed you.”

“Who were they that dosed me?”

“Buncha guys.”

“Bob!”

“Well, you know, in their defense: it’s a special occasion. Dead and the Beatles. Portentous.”

“I feel a bit strange, Bob.”

“What do you mean?”

lego paul mccartney

“I can’t truly describe it, but I don’t think I can play me bass like this.”

“You have no nose.”

“How will I smell?”

“Bloomin’ awful.”

“I need you to take this seriously, Bob. Help me. I’m a Beatle, and a Knight and a billionaire. Help me.”

“Yeah, okay. Sure.”

lego bobby shorts

“Better?”

“NO, BOB. NOT BETTER. I meant get me back to being a person, not join me here in toyland.”

“Ah. Well, I seem to recall a little lecture about being straightforward. That’s the pot telling the gander to heal thyself.”

“I actually understood that.”

“Yeah, well: you’re on a shitload of acid.”

“Right, right. How long does this last?”

“The acid or the storyline?”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

A Knight Shouldn’t Be Treated This Way

bobby paul blurry.png

“Bob, why is everything so blurry?”

“Could be a metaphor about artistic cohesion and the waning thrust of creativity.”

“The universe is doing metaphors?”

“This one.”

“Bob?”

“Yoko?”

“Really: stop that.”

“Sure, sure.”

“What’s going on again?”

“Semi-fictionality. Kinda like a pocket reality? Character free of context, but bound to narrative. Plus a time machine.”

“Bob.”

“It’s a Time Sheath, if you wanna get technical about it.”

“Bob.”

“Also, dead people aren’t dead. Well, they’re dead, but they still come around.”

“If you see one of those Dancing Bears wandering around, that’s probably Brent. He’s a big fan. Or it might be a demon.”

“Uh-huh. I don’t understand.”

“That’s natural. This is actually one of those deals where the more you explain it, the less sense it makes. Helps if you’re tripping.”

“Tripping? On acid?”

CUT TO: BACKSTAGE

“You dosed Sir Paul McCartney? I dosed Sir Paul McCartney. Jesus, how many people dosed Sir Paul McCartney? We should check on him.

CUT TO: BOBBY AND PAUL

“I don’t do that anymore, Bob.”

“Oh, yeah, no. Me neither. No, no.”

“I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“I know some jokes.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“You gonna get that?”

“This is Sir Paul. How did you get this number?”

“Please hold for Taylor Swift.”

“Excuse me?”

taylor-swift-dumped-calvin-harris-over-the-phone-ftr

“Oh. My. GOD! Sir Paul McCartney. I am your biggest fan in the world and I have all your records. Plus I got in full hair and makeup for this call.”

“I’m a little busy, love.”

“I will FUCK YOU WITH YOUR OWN WIG if you don’t date me immediately, YOU PASTY, SHIT-EYED, LIMEY FUCK!”

“What?”

“My numbers Jew and my press homo say I gotta suck your iron-deficient cock on TMZ to get my Q back up. I’m sending my jet.”

BRITISH DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH BRITISH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT (I ASUUME)

“That was Taylor Swift? She is coming to kidnap me.”

“Well, then: lucky you’re here. I’ve got experience with this kind of bullshit.”

“Why is my spine tingling, Bob?”

“Is it? Huh. Could be your Beatle-Sense.”

“No, Bob.”

Older posts
%d bloggers like this: