Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: pena nieto

A Partial Transcript Of Presidents Trump and Nieto’s Phone Call

Tentative plans for Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto to make his first visit to the White House to meet with President Trump were scuttled last week after a testy call between the two leaders ended in an impasse over Trump’s promised border wall, according to U.S. and Mexican officials. – “After testy call with Trump over border wall, Mexican president shelves plan to visit White House” Washington Post 2/24/18

“We got him? Is he on? I’m doing great with these phone calls today, so great. They took a poll, I got a 93% approval on the phone calls, which is the highest anyone’s ever gotten. History of polls, just great. Is he there? Where’s my Mexican? Hey! Speedy! You there?”

“I’m here.”

“It’s me, the Presidente. Mucho, mucho presidente.”

“Like I’ve told you every time we’ve spoken, I speak fluent English.”

“Speedy, I’m up to my waist in dead kids up here. They ruined Infrastructure Week.”


“We’re gonna arm the teachers. Give ’em the most beautiful training, like a week or whatever. Bad guy comes in? Bing bing bing. Now you’ve got a hero. I mean, teachers are heroes always, sure, okay, but this? This would be great for me. Lunch-ladies, too. The ones with the hairnets? They get guns, too. Everyone in the building, train ’em, great.”

“That’s your plan?”

“Or maybe I do an assault-weapons ban. Maybe that. Could be a little of both. I could even do a bipartisan. Two weeks, I’ll tell you in two weeks, but everyone is going to be mucho, mucho happy with the plan. But don’t worry, I’m not like Hillary. I won’t grab your guns.”

“No. You don’t grab guns.”

“I went down, Florida, I stopped in on the way to Mar-A-Lago. I saw some of the kids who got shot, even though most of their parents did not vote for me, and no one in the lying media gave me any credit at all for that. Real messes, these kids. Some bad smells, I gotta admit. But they’ll be fine. They’ll be okay. They knew what they signed up for.”

“Wow. Mr. President, we made this call to discuss the particulars of our upcoming meeting.”

“Out of respect, I didn’t golf that day.”

“Please. Please can we stick to the agenda of the call?”

“Okay, Jose.”

“Mr. President, you must not say that Mexico will pay for the wall during our press conference.”

“I hear you.”

“Is that a ‘yes?'”

“I hear you.”

“Goddammit, are you just reading off a notecard?”

“I hear you.”

“Donald, you cannot say that Mexico will pay for the wall.”

“How can I not? Listen, Gordita, I promised my base the wall, and a Trump always keeps his word.”


“Frankly, I don’t see how you don’t want to pay for it. Many people are saying that the shooter from Florida was with MS-13.”

“No one is saying that.”

“Many-o people-o.”

“Mr. President, Mexico will never pay one bloody cent for your stupid, racist wall.”

“Y’know, this is why your country’s a shithole. You don’t know how to make deals.”

“Deal with my dick, Cabeza de Baloncesto.”


Guys, You’re In The Wrong Chairs

“It’s your turn to call him, Senor Prime Minister.”

“No, Mister President. I called him this afternoon.”

“How many times did you explain NAFTA to him?”



“I counted.”

“Justin, I can’t take another conversation with this baboso. I got problems of my own.”

“Your people are not fond of you.”

“They truly despise me. How you doing?”

“The internet loves me.”

“How about Canada?”


“What if we both call him?”

“At the same time?”

“Double-team him.”



“Not a great image.”

“Not like the last guy.”

“Peña, I’m not gay but I would totally have gotten my three-way on with the two of you.”

“We were the hottest continent.”

“Dude, by faaaaaar we were the hottest. You seen some of the scrubs running Asian countries?”

“Muy feo. So: we both call him. Good cop, bad cop.”

“Yeah, maybe. Who’s the bad cop?”

“We’re talking to Donald Trump, man. Obviously, the guys with the Mexican accent is gonna play the bad cop.”


“Head in the game, Trudeau.”

“You’re right, you’re right. I got my mind on the playoffs.”

“What is it with you people and hockey?”

“You people?”

“Justin, mi amigo.”

“Peña, my friend.”

“Let’s not fight.”

“We need to stick together.”

“Si. We just need to weather this storm. Okay, so when we call, you’ll talk about the proud and long history of the Canadian/American relationship, and I’ll threaten him with nationalizing the Ford plant in Chihuahua.”

“Don’t say Chihuahua.”


“He’ll start thinking about dogs and we’ll lose him.”

“Si, si.”

“And I don’t know if the history approach will work. The president doesn’t know any history.”

“You think he knows who fought the War of 1812?”

“I don’t think he knows when it happened.”

“You got a plan?”

“You still got El Chapo wrangled or did he get away again?”

“We got him in one of those all-plastic numbers like where they keep Magneto.”

“Super. Give him to Trump.”

“I’m not handing a Mexican national, no matter how big of a criminal, to that jackass. Or any president, for that matter. Out of the question.”


“Besides, El Chapo just escaped again.”

“He’s good.”


“Peña, listen: every leader has burdens. Our predecessors have faced wars, depressions, droughts. Trump is our burden. He’s our World War II.”

“I am not up to this task.”

“Probably me neither, buddy, but here we are.”

“Si. Okay. But it’s your turn to call him.”

“I got an idea.”

“I’m open to anything.”

“What if I FaceTime him? And when I explain NAFTA again, I use a whiteboard and markers and visual aids?”

“That’s not bad. But call soon.”


“Almost teevee time.”

“Oh, right, yeah. I’ll talk to you afterwards.”

“Bueno suerte.”

“You, too, ehh?”

%d bloggers like this: