Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: Pigpen (page 1 of 17)

The Hogfather

What’s your favorite thing about Christmas, Pig?

“Pussy!”

Besides that.

“After that, I s’pose I like the music best. All them songs ’bout Christmas heroes and whatnot. I’m talkin’ ’bout Frosty and Rudolph, all them fellows. Big Red.”

Santa?

“The ol’ Pig loves him some Santa. Me an’ him in the same business! Bringin’ joy to the children!”

True.

“”Cept that fat man only works one day a year! I’m out on the damn road sweatin’ and makin’ it night after night!”

Well, in Santa’s defense, it takes a lot of prep work to get ready for that one day.

“I figure most o’ Santa’s time is taken up by elf management.”

Probably.

“We tried to do one o’ them Secret Santa deals one year. Didn’t go good.”

What happened?

“The Grateful Dead was involved!”

That will throw a wrench in things.

“Weir didn’t understand th’ underlyin’ concept! He thought ‘Secret Santa’ was like a secret agent or somethin’! Started sneakin’ around in a trenchcoat and other various foolishnesses! Gave himself a code name!”

What was it?

“Felix Navidad.”

That’s a good Secret Santa name.

“I don’t got no hard feelings ‘gainst the name. It’s clever.”

What about the other guys?

“Drummers just took their dicks out! Garcia forgot! The endeavor was an immediate failure at every damn level!”

Sounds right.

“Can’t let nothin’ ruin your Christmas, though. Gotta go out and suck all that Christmas down quick as y’can! Only get so much of it, gotta grab it ‘fore it’s gone. Put that Christmas in the freezer, so’s you can take a little bit out when you need it in July or somethin’.”

You always make sense, Pig.

“I know!”

Crickets And Cicadas Sing A Rare And Looney Tune

“Whatchoo say, Bobert Weir!? Repeat that statement!”

“The coyote was gonna fuck the roadrunner.”

“Lesh, you hearin’ this!?”

“I’ve tried to explain it to him, Pig. Leave me out of it.”

“Dammit, Weir, the coyote is whatchoo call a carnivore! And a roadrunner is what a coyote might call lunch!”

“Be that as it may, I always saw a subtext.”

“Ain’t no subtext in a kiddy cartoon!”

“Wile E. is a boy, right?”

“I suppose.”

“And Roadrunner is a girl.”

“Roadrunner is a roadrunner! Where you gettin’ a female vibe?”

“The eyes. The legs. The adaptiveness.”

“You boys on that lightning juice tonight?”

“No, nuh-uh.”

“Be honest.”

“Cross my heart, Pig. I just, you know, think the coyote wanted to fuck the roadrunner. The eating was symbolic.”

“You’re thinkin’ of Pepe le Pew!”

“Him, too. All of ’em. Foghorn and the Bantamweight, Sheepdog and the Wolf, Bugs and Everybody. At the heart of each is a seduction story.”

“Stop talkin’ foolishness, Weir.”

“He’s right, Pig! All those cartoons were about fucking, man!”

“Garcia, you stay outta this!”

“When, uh, the coyote falls off the cliff? That’s an orgasm.”

“No, it ain’t!”

“That’s what ‘That’s all, folks’ really means, which actually has a double meaning. The first is: I just came. The second? Remove the comma and you have ‘That’s all folks.’ What’s made of folks? Semen. The double-meaning doubles back on itself. Chuck Jones was really playing the long game.”

“Weir, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m gonna go find me a fox.”

“Ooh, good idea. Grab me one.”

“The ol’ Pig’ll see what he c’n do.”

Rose-Colored

What are you doing?

“Don’t rightly know! Boys got me whackin’ at stuff again. Gave me these mallets, tol’ me, ‘You’ll know what to do.’ And I didn’t! So I been fakin’ it, but nobody’s givin’ me the hairy eyeball, so the ol’ Pig must be gettin’ by!”

Is that a guy or a girl behind you?

“Don’t rightly know that, either!”

Well, however they identify, tell them that haircut doesn’t work.

“Heh.”

Speaking of which, is there a young lady sitting next to you during the damn show?

“Heh.”

C’mon, Pig.

“C’mon nothin’! Only reason them drummer dogs ain’t got chicks on their laps is cuz they can’t work the bass drum pedals that way!”

Who is this girl?

“Name’s Denise! Met her tonight! She came with her friends and I spotted her in the parking lot. I said ‘Woman!’ That’s to get the fox’s attention, y’see.”

Sure.

“And she said ‘Pig?’ And she said it real funny, so I laughed.”

Then what?

“Then I gave her my rap!”

You’re not gonna let us in on it?

“Why would I share my rap!? I do that, every hound in the country gonna be snakin’ my foxes! Get your own rap!”

Okay.

“And now me and Denise have made it!”

Good for you. Pig?

“Yessir?”

Do I wanna ask what the name of the building she goes to during the day is?

“You do not!”

Gotcha.

Let Pigpen Do A Number

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“Lettin’ the blues out!”

Lovely way to put it.

“An’ true! Ain’t no one sings the blues, plays the blues. Not no one who’s any damn good! They jes’ open up an’ let them blues out. But jes’ a little! Can’t let all your blues out at once. Y’might scare the payin’ customers that way!”

It would be too much to deal with.

“Backs would break! Spirits would suffer! Can’t be dealin’ with all them blues at the same time. Even the ol’ Pig can’t handle all them blues at once.”

True.

“Hey, College Boy. Lemme ask you somethin’.”

Anything, Pig.

“What on earth is an Uma Thurman?”

She’s an actress.

“That lady is a long drink o’ water. Now you tell the ol’ Pig: who would go makin’ that fox so angry?”

85-90% of every man she’s ever met.

“They know she got a sword?”

That was a movie, Pig. Which came out 30 years after you died, so you need to stop using the Time Sheath to watch Netflix.

“All the ol’ Pig gotta do is sip his whiskey and let his blues out! Don’t you be puttin’ handcuffs on my teevee watchin’!”

Just keep it to yourself.

“Sounds like Uma wants everyone t’ keep it t’ themselves, too!”

It does sound like that.

“Women’d do a whole lot better if the world had less pigs and more Pigs!

Amen.

Scaffolded

Precarious?

“Yo.”

What the fuck?

“Scaffolding?”

Scaffolding.

“We thought it provided an incongruously beautiful mise-en-scene.”

What?

“Fucking with ya. I got no idea why we put that up.”

What are the monitors propped up on?

“Pizza boxes full of sand.”

It’s the Grateful Dead way.

“Yup.”

Gong, Show

Hey, PIg. Whatcha doing?

“Waiting t’ play. Boys are doin’ their bippy-bop shit.”

This is 1970, though. They didn’t do it as much as they used to.

“Old age is gettin’ to ’em, I guess.”

Happens to us all.

“Didn’t happen to the ol’ Pig!”

No. How’s the venue?

“Atrocious! It’s like ruins, but without the charm. Know what it smells like? Imagine if piss could take a piss!”

Ew.

“Helps t’ keep a cigarette lit. You should see some o’ the places we gotta play! Last month, we was in some sort o’ factory where they process horse assholes. during the day.”

What does “process” mean?

“I didn’t ask! If they gonna do that to a horse, imagine what they’d do to the ol’ Pig!”

True.

“All we played was dumps. Even the nice joints! Fillmore East had rats the size o’ cats! An’ cats the size o’ dogs! An’ dogs the size o’ rats! It was circular an’ confusin’!”

I would imagine.

“Played a place in LA they did some sort ‘ Satanic nonsense in when the bands weren’t there! Walls was full o’ voodoo doodlin’!”

That sounds bad.

“Weirdo books layin’ around. Lesh starts readin’ from one and that mangy mutt summons himself up a taterdemalion. You ever met M’b the Soggy?”

No.

“Avoid it if possible!”

Good advice.

“Nothin’ like those places you guys got. All nice an’ clean. Stuff t’ eat besides funky hot dogs and popcorn. I got no idea what gluten is, but I enjoy being able to not eat it if I don’t wanna.”

Pig, are you using the Time Sheath to go to concerts in the future?

“Yep.”

Stop that.

“Nope.”

Who’d you see?

“BeyoncĂ©.”

Again? How many times is that?

“28. The ol’ PIg’s in the Beyhive. Even stole me a tee-shirt.”

Pig, please don’t wear a BeyoncĂ© shirt in 1970.

“How ’bout I do, but just make sure there ain’t no pictures?’

Deal.

That Confounded Bridge

For fuck’s sake. Precarious?

“Yo.”

Precarious Lee, everyone.

ENTHUSIAST APPLAUSE NOISE

“Hey.”

What the hell is that?

“That’s the Dead. Choogly-type band.”

Yes, thank you. I recognized them.

“They’re easy to spot.”

But mostly I recognized your handiwork. Are those speakers?

“Where?”

On the right.

“Yup.”

Are those two columns of speakers separated by a couple feet with another speaker bridging across the top?

“Yup.”

Why, man?

“Why not?”

So, so, so many reasons.

“If someone dies, we’ll do it different next show.”

That’s your motto, isn’t it?

“Mottos are for assholes.”

True.

Barbecue

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“Smoke, smoke, smokin’ my cigarette! Nothin’ better!”

What about booze and black chicks?

“Awright, some things are better. Heh heh.”

Who’s that you’re standing with? It’s not Veronica Barnard.

“Dunno her name, but the ol’ Pig’s gonna get her number! Kinda looks like Tootie from Facts of Life.”

Please stop using the Time Sheath to watch teevee.

“Hell, no! Loves me some teevee, but they’re just ain’t enough channels at the present! Gotta look to the future for my entertainment!”

So, you’ve got the entirety of teevee history to choose from and you’re watching Facts of Life?

“Other stuff, too. The Pig likes to flip.”

Like what?

Livin’ Single.”

Okay.

“Real Housewives of Atlanta.”

You just have a crush on Kim Fields.

“Heh hehe. Yeah, a little.”

Please don’t travel through time to hit on Tootie.

“Don’t be settin’ no boundaries on the ol’ Pig now!”

I’m putting my foot down.

“Foot’s gonna be floatin’ pretty soon.”

What was that?

“Aw, I’m jus’ teasin’ ya.”

Thank you.

“Wind gonna kill ya, not the water.”

Jesus, man.

“Hey, it happens, it happens. Happened to me! Shit, brother: you die, you can hang out with me.”

Yeah?

“We’ll watch some teevee together. Smoke some cigarettes, drink some whiskey, and tell some lies.”

That sounds okay, actually.

“Beats workin’!”

Always nice to talk to you, pal.

“I know! I’m the life of the damn party!”

Jerry, Phil, and Pigpen Sitting On A Fence

Jesus. Precarious?

“Yo.”

What the fuck?

“The picket fence?”

The picket fence.

“Security.”

How?

“40,000 volts running through it.”

40,000? Isn’t that a bit of overkill?

“Hey, man. I don’t work for the fuckin’ Eagles.”

True.

Dead & Company At Citi Field

When did Bobby dye his hair?

That’s Garcia.

No. Garcia’s dead. I had to explain this to Nephew, but I thought you knew. Oh, shit, I’m not breaking this to you, am I?

This attitude is why Pitchfork won’t hire you.

Fuck Pitchfork.

That attitude, too.

Dude, hop on the D & C train.

It’s not Dead & Company. That’s the actual Grateful Dead at Bickershaw.

Nonsense. It’s Citi Field. Look in the crowd to the left of the stage; you can see Mr. Met giving Oteil the finger.

That’s not Oteil.

He would totally wear that sweater.

Absolutely, yes. Still: no.

I don’t get you, man. What about this picture doesn’t scream “21st century corporate perfection” to you?

Every single thing.

Ah, I’m just funning with you.

It’s never fun when you fun.

What’s the most Precarious Lee part of this setup?

Ooh, good game. Let’s play. Hmm. Amateurs might say the oblique angle that the monitors are lined up at.

Amateurs.

A more seasoned vet would point out that Pig is literally behind the PA.

Well, it’s not like there was any room on the stage.

True. But the real Enthusiast sees Precarious’ handiwork in that super-taut wire leading to the speaker all the way up top on the right.

So many points of failure.

It’s amazing they’re all alive.

They aren’t.

I was funning with you.

Yeah, you’re right: funning isn’t fun.

I know.

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