Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: pokemon

My Desk Has A Dick On It

desk dick.jpg

I wasn’t lying.

Previously, I had been sitting on a couch–perched, hunched–with the laptop on the table in front of me, teetering atop two stacks of hardcovers; now I have a desk, and it has a dick on it. I sit upright, like a big boy, and think my big boy thoughts and write my big boy words, because I have a desk now, even though there is a dick on it.

Maybe I can be a political writer, now that I have a desk, even though it has a dick on it, and write columns about something a cab driver told me, or something else I saw on TV. Maybe I could be a Russian hacker with my desk, the one with dick on it, and run rampant through the American election while none of the political writers write about it. Maybe I should write prestige television, something about technology and Muslim-Americans, on my desk, which has a dick on it.

There is a drawer I have not opened yet, and I believe it contains a Pokemon.

The Way We Live Now

pokemon go fenway 2.jpg

Pikachu!

Why do you have tits?

Pikachu! I choose you!

And why is your dialogue in purple? Wait, hold on: do you know those demon fucking bears?

I choose you!

Don’t choose me, man.

Choose him.

Choose him.

Pikachu, Pikachu, I choose you.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Team Walton

bill walton pokemon go

Sadly, while capturing a Bulbosaur, Bill Walton shattered both his ankles and will miss the next three years’ playoffs.

But I’m Gonna Pokemon Go For It For Sure

IMG_4943

Besides Young John Mayer wearing outfits and Billy punching dick, this might have been the most predictable occurrence on the Dead & Company tour, but did you know that there were special Dead-themed Pokemonsters made for this weekend’s Fenway shows?

There’s Mickachu, and…well, there’s just Mickachu. Brent is wandering around in a Psyduck costume, but he’s not part of the game; the outfit is for sexual purposes.

Upcoming Sequels To Pokemon Go

Pokemon Yeoh Not only is this Pokemon game for the ladies, it kicks more ass than the male versions.

Pokemon Blow Monsters include Slobberpuss, Lovelacina, and Suckerfoo.

Pokemon Curtis Blow It’s a basketball game.

Smilla’s Sense Of Pokemon Snow This game makes no sense.

Pokemon Fro You can capture Oscar Gamble or Tito Jackson.

Pokemon Ho Five dollars for pussy, two extra for ass-fucking.

Pokemon Flo This game features a Pokemonster that tells you about how much money you could save on your insurance while you try to figure out whether she’s attractive or not.

Pokemon Shto? You collect confused Russians.

Pokemon Moe Why I oughta…

Pokemon No Pokemon is fucking stupid and everyone playing it is an idiot. Not like the bullshit I like, which is smart and enjoyed by intelligent people. One day, you Pokemondegreens will grow up and get into sports/film/semi-defunct choogly-type bands and gain my respect.

Pokemon Hector Elizondo Not a leading app, but you’ll get a solid and grounded performance from this game.

Pokemon Placebo Here’s the cool thing: even if I tell you that it’s not actually Pokemon, you’ll still believe it is.

Pokemon Godchaux Saddest video game ending since Final Fantasy X.

Pokemon Pho It’s just foreign soup.

Pokemon Wu COCKSUCKA!

Tips For Pokemon Go

  • Try looking in your father’s wallet, or in the medicine cabinet.
  • Pokemonsters might not reveal themselves to you without the sound of sudden violence: sucker punch the mailman and see what happens.
  • The most powerful monster of all, Swizzletits, is located in a buried coffin, so go shoplift a shovel.
  • Locked doors and windows mean nothing to a true Pokemonner.
  • You only have room in your incubator for a Floofenbarf or a Snaggledick, so choose wisely.
  • Assume that everyone you see with a cell phone is also playing Pokemon Go, and win the battle immediately by pushing them into traffic before they know what’s happening.
  • If a Pokemonster tells you to slit the throat of the train conductor and take over the controls, then you should listen to the Pokemonster.
  • When you reach Level 5, you may join a Pokegym.
  • When you reach level 10, you may join a Pokepilates studio.
  • Your Pokedex is divided into three categories: Aeroflange (for flying monsters); Shnargles (for monsters that skip breakfast); and Marfantasy (monsters with Marfan’s Syndrome).
  • Some Pokemonsters only come out at night, at that old camp where all those teenagers died; the man in the hockey mask with the machete is called Stabbadabba, and you should go collect him.
  • The river isn’t that dangerous: go get the Squirtle.
  • Have you checked in the back of that nice man’s van?
  • What about inside the refrigerator?
  • Underwater caves also hold many Pokemonsters.
%d bloggers like this: