I wasn’t lying.
Previously, I had been sitting on a couch–perched, hunched–with the laptop on the table in front of me, teetering atop two stacks of hardcovers; now I have a desk, and it has a dick on it. I sit upright, like a big boy, and think my big boy thoughts and write my big boy words, because I have a desk now, even though there is a dick on it.
Maybe I can be a political writer, now that I have a desk, even though it has a dick on it, and write columns about something a cab driver told me, or something else I saw on TV. Maybe I could be a Russian hacker with my desk, the one with dick on it, and run rampant through the American election while none of the political writers write about it. Maybe I should write prestige television, something about technology and Muslim-Americans, on my desk, which has a dick on it.
There is a drawer I have not opened yet, and I believe it contains a Pokemon.
Why do you have tits?
Pikachu! I choose you!
And why is your dialogue in purple? Wait, hold on: do you know those demon fucking bears?
I choose you!
Don’t choose me, man.
Pikachu, Pikachu, I choose you.
Sadly, while capturing a Bulbosaur, Bill Walton shattered both his ankles and will miss the next three years’ playoffs.
Besides Young John Mayer wearing outfits and Billy punching dick, this might have been the most predictable occurrence on the Dead & Company tour, but did you know that there were special Dead-themed Pokemonsters made for this weekend’s Fenway shows?
There’s Mickachu, and…well, there’s just Mickachu. Brent is wandering around in a Psyduck costume, but he’s not part of the game; the outfit is for sexual purposes.
Pokemon Yeoh Not only is this Pokemon game for the ladies, it kicks more ass than the male versions.
Pokemon Blow Monsters include Slobberpuss, Lovelacina, and Suckerfoo.
Pokemon Curtis Blow It’s a basketball game.
Smilla’s Sense Of Pokemon Snow This game makes no sense.
Pokemon Fro You can capture Oscar Gamble or Tito Jackson.
Pokemon Ho Five dollars for pussy, two extra for ass-fucking.
Pokemon Flo This game features a Pokemonster that tells you about how much money you could save on your insurance while you try to figure out whether she’s attractive or not.
Pokemon Shto? You collect confused Russians.
Pokemon Moe Why I oughta…
Pokemon No Pokemon is fucking stupid and everyone playing it is an idiot. Not like the bullshit I like, which is smart and enjoyed by intelligent people. One day, you Pokemondegreens will grow up and get into sports/film/semi-defunct choogly-type bands and gain my respect.
Pokemon Hector Elizondo Not a leading app, but you’ll get a solid and grounded performance from this game.
Pokemon Placebo Here’s the cool thing: even if I tell you that it’s not actually Pokemon, you’ll still believe it is.
Pokemon Godchaux Saddest video game ending since Final Fantasy X.
Pokemon Pho It’s just foreign soup.
Pokemon Wu COCKSUCKA!