Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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A More Congenial Meeting Between The Church And The Natives Than Previously

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a wearin’ da hat.”

That’s a heck of a hat, Your Holiness.

“It’s-a gotta my name on it!”

I see that. Why is it S.S. Francis?

“They think I’m-a da boat.”

Sure.

“You see-a dis lady’s hands?”

Yes.

“She gotta those hands from-a da work. Your hands look-a like dat?”

Not at all.

“No, no. You got-a da soft hands. Should put-a dem together and-a pray more. Give-a da thanks instead of pulling on-a your pud.”

I already got this lecture from God, Your Holiness.

“Si, si. Pigpen probably gonna come and-a yell at you soon, too.”

Most likely. Are these folks even Christians?

“Pssh, what-a do I care? I’m about-a da love. I love-a dem, I love-a you. You don’t-a make it easy, though.”

I’ve been told.

“You know what-a da difference is between-a da saint and-a da sinner?”

No.

“Effort. Do-a some work, kid.”

Yes, sir. Are those acorns?

“Si, si. Smells-a like a rich lady’s bathroom. Is-a nice.”

Good to hear. I like that guy’s makeup.

“I think he’s-a da Juggalo.”

I don’t know about that, Your Holiness.

“He no-a knows how-a da magnets work.”

Okay.

“Rich people always-a messing with-a him.”

God point.

“He’s got-a da hatchet.”

Okay, maybe he’s a Juggalo.

“Si, si. Whoop, whoop.”

Amen, Your Holiness.

Not A Good Sign

Hey, Pope Francis. Where you going?

“I’m-a gettin’ outta da way. Ooh, is-a big-a storm.”

I didn’t know you were in Florida.

“Si, si. Take-a da vacation. Recharge-a da batteries.”

Was it relaxing?

“Oh, si. Read-a da books. Sat by-a da pool. Hang with-a da boys.”

The boys?

“Pitbull.”

You know Pitbull?

“Signore Worldwide? Si, si. Better Catholic than-a he is a rapper.”

Well, that’s not tough.

“Si, si. He’s-a no Jigga Man.”

True that. Wait. Are you carrying your own bag?

“Of course! Who’s-a gonna do it?”

Literally anyone else. You’re the Pope.

“No, no. I-a carry. It keeps-a me humble. Besides, I got-a some sinful things in-a here.”

Your Holiness! What could you have?

“I got-a da Elena Ferrante books.”

She’s a genius.

“No one writes-a better about-a da female friendships.”

That’s what I hear. Anything else?

“I stole-a da robe from-a da hotel.”

Oh, Your Holiness.

“I couldn’t help-a myself.”

Was it white?

“Si, si. That’s-a my color.”

Anything else you’d like to confess?

“I got-a da nuclear codes in here, too.”

The Vatican has nukes?

“Shh. Don’t-a tell no one. Especially Benedict.”

Why does the Vatican have nukes?

“Who else you gonna trust with-a da nukes?”

I guess, maybe. Where do you keep the missiles?

“Why-a you think we got-a so many obelisks?”

Wow.

“You didn’t buy-a dat Illuminati garbage, did-a you?”

A little.

“You’re-a smarter than that.”

I’m not.

“Si, si. I-a forgive you.”

Thank you, Your Holiness. Hey, uh, before you leave? Wanna throw me a little prayer here?

“Like in-a da first Rocky?”

Precisely.

Dominus Vobiscum.
Hey, Irma: Miss ’em!”

Good prayer, Your Holiness.

“Is-a what I do.”

Amen.

Forgive Me, Father, For I Have Spinned

“I-a know you. You-a da fibber.”

“I have many sins to confess, Your Holiness.”

“Si, si. You was-a bearin’ da false witness.”

“Yes, Your Holiness. I come seeking forgiveness.”

“I-a don’t know. You did-a some nutty goofball-a stuff. What’s-a da Holocaust Center?”

“I was nervous, Your Holiness. It turns out I’m not very good under pressure.”

“Mm. I-a don’t know.”

“Oh, please, Your Holiness. I can’t live with my sins.”

SEAN SPICER PROSTRATING HIMSELF NOISE

“Oh, for da love-a God. Get off-a da floor, Spicey.”

“Please don’t call me that.”

“She was-a funny doing you on-a da teevee. What’s-a her name? Da big-a girl?”

“Melissa McCarthy.”

“She should-a do another film with-a da Sandy Bullock. Those-a two had chemistry.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I was-a sad when-a you quit. I wanted to see what-a she gonna do with-a da podium next.”

“It was a fan favorite sketch, Your Holiness. Actually caused me quite a bit of trouble at work.”

“Si, si. The devil, he have-a da thin skin. Usually, he also have-a da red skin, but now it’s-a orange. You know who got-a da great sense of humor about-a himself?”

“Jesus?”

“Jesus. All-a da time, da Apostles-a roast him. Give-a him da zingers. Personal stuff-a. About-a da beard, everything.”

“And Christ just took the jokes?”

“He took-a da cross, he could take-a da joke. Except about-a his dad not being around. That’s-a da no-go spot.”

“Sensitive topic.”

“Thaddeus said-a something one time, and-a Jesus? He-a Force-chokes him.”

“Jesus Force-choked a disciple, Your Holiness?”

“Si, si. Like-a da Darth Vader.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“It’s-a not in-a da canon. Deep in-a da apocrypha.”

“Ah. What were we talking about?”

“All-a da sins you committed.”

“Right. Your Holiness, please release me from–”

“All right, all right. Dominus Vobiscum, bippit-a boppit-a boo. You’re-a forgiven.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you!”

PAPAL SLEEVE KISSING NOISE

“Hey, hands off-a da merchandise.”

“Thank you, Your Holiness.”

“It’s-a what I do.”

Tremendous Papal Audience, Best Papal Audience Ever

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“Just-a gettin’ through-a da day.”

I feel you, Your Holiness.

“I’m-a gonna say something real-a un-Popelike.”

I think I know what you’re going to say.

“This-a fuckin’ guy.”

Yup, that was the exact phrase.

“You-a think when he comes-a in da room that he’s-a gonna be da only bad thing, but NOPE: there’s-a his famiglia.”

Bad hombres.

“You-a said it. Look at-a dese two. Double double, treason and-a trouble.”

Short one witch, I think.

“Kellyanne-a Conway is around here-a somewhere.”

That makes three.

“Who’s-a da freak on-a da end? Never seen a giraffe with-a fake boobies before.”

That’s Ivanka.

“She stinks-a.”

Sure.

“Is-a da evolution of-a da neck. Big-a, normal-a, none-a.”

Also true.

“This-a fuckin’ guy. Smells-a like vomit and-a beef.”

You’re pissed, Your Holiness.

“I’m-a gonna have to hear-a da MAGA stuff from-a Benedict for weeks.”

He hanging around?

“I had-a da Swiss Guards lock him in-a da closet. End-a of da audience, he gets-a five minutes with-a da dumdum.”

Y’know, Padre, I’m almost a little disappointed here. You’re supposed to love everyone.

“I thought-a so, too, but then this-a fuckin’ guy shows up on-a da doorstep.”

You make excellent points, Your Holiness.

“He’s-a da worst person that’s-a ever been in here. And this is da Vatican! There’s-a been some real- monsters who lived-a here!”

Yup.

“Stephen da VI. He dug-a up da Pope before him and put-a him on trial. Made all-a da cardinals watch.”

Wow.

“Bendict-a da IX. He sold-a da papacy!”

Wow wow.

“Twice!”

Wow wow wow.

“But they were-a da pikers next to this-a fuckin’ guy.

Sorry you had to go through this, Your Holiness.

“I’m-a gonna be all right.”

With the help of Jesus.

“Si, si. And I’ve-a been hittin’ da holy wine since-a noon.”

Good thinking.

“Hey, I’m-a da Pope-a.”

Another Successful Grindr Match

“Vhy are du vearing vhite? Vhite is mein color.”

“Benny, I can’t have-a dis argument with-a you no more. I’m-a da Pope now.”

“Du ist Fake Pope.”

“You gotta stop watching da Fox News. It’s-a warping your mind.”

“Ich bein Pope again. Ich called it.”

“You can’t-a call it. Is-a not like-a da shotgun.”

“Pope!”

“Benny, you’re-a making da fool of-a yourself.”

“Du ist ein Globalist.”

“Si, si.”

“Du admit it?”

“Sure, whole-a globe. I tell-a everybody about-a da Jesus.”

“Vhat about putting ze Vatican first?”

“Because legally, only me and-a you live here.”

“Ja. Vhat is problem?”

“Benny…you just-a don’t get it.”

“Deine Oma masturbiert im stehen!”

“Okay, sure.”

“Ich am leaving. Ich have to catch ein plane.”

“Where-a you going?”

“Ich am giving ein speech at Berkeley.”

“That-a sounds right.”

An Escalation Of Force

Hey, Your Holiness. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a callin’ da Jesus.”

The phone’s not plugged into anything.

“He’s-a da Jesus! He wanna pick up-a da phone, He pick up-a da phone.”

Sure. You know why I like Jesus, Pope Francis?

“Why?”

Because you capitalize His pronouns, so He’s always so easy to find in a paragraph.

“I like-a da love He-a had for us, so that-a we could share in His-a resurrection.”

That, too.

POPE PHONE NOISE

“Is that-a you or me?”

I’m not a Pope. My phone doesn’t make that noise.

“Si, si. Only one-a Pope.”

Except for that one time in the 1400’s there were two.

“No, no. That was-a da Anti-Pope.”

Oh, right. The Pope of Rome declared the Pope of Avignon the Anti-Pope. The Middle Ages were like a dumb comic book.

“Si, si.”

POPE PHONE NOISE

“I should-a get that.”

It’s not plugged in.

“Maybe it’s-a Jesus.”

Sure.

“I’m-a da Pope-a, what’s-a da dope-a?”

“Putin catch more fish.”

“Hello, Vladimir.”

“Vhat happen to Chico Marx accent?”

“Shut it, you permafrosted fuckhead. What do you want?”

“Putin vill buy Vatican.”

“Fuck you.”

“Putin vill invade Vatican. Vatican always part of Russia.”

“Suck my infalliballs, Ivan. You know better than to fuck with the Church.”

“How many divisions you have”

“Cute.”

“AH’LL SAVE YOU, MISTER POPE!”

“THIS HERE’S MAH NEMESIS POOTER, AN’ AH’M AWFUL SORRY HE’S INNERUPTIN’ SOME O’ YER WITCHCRAFT OR WHATNOT.”

“You are-a not a Catholic, my-a son?”

“Is fake accent, Elvis America. Is lying Pope. Fake Pope.”

“YOU SHUT YER MOUTH WHEN YOU’RE SPEAKIN’ T’ THE KING OF ITALIANS!”

“”No, no. Is-a no fake.”

“AH BELIEVE YOU, YOUR FRIENDLINESS. AH TAKE CARE THIS COMMIE HERE, YOU THINK YOU C’N RUSTLE ME UP A BADGE ‘R TWO?”

“Si, si. We got-a like three, four building here that’s-a nothin’ but-a da badges.”

“AH DO BELIEVE YOU LIVE IN HEAVEN. AH’M GONNA CALL YOU HAPPY FRANK.”

“If-a you must.”

“AH DO. NOW BACK T’ POOTER.”

“Putin get crossbow vhile Elvis America chit-chat vith Fake Pope.”

“GODDAMN, BOY, YOU WORK FAST. SORRY ‘BOUT TH’ CURSIN’, PADRE.”

“I-a forgive you.”

“SWEET. HEY, POOTER! LOOK OVER THERE!”

“Vhere?

“HOWZAT COMMIE CROSSBOW LOOKIN’ NOW, SON? AH’M GONNA SHOOT YOU IN YER ASS!”

“You vill no shoot ass. Putin is quickest draw in Vest.”

“RUSSIA’S TH’ EAST, Y’ DANG CHILLY-WILLY!”

“Moscow is vest Russia.”

“NEED MORE ‘N A VEST IN RUSSIA, BOY. ISS COLD OVER THERE.”

“Not vest. Vest.”

“AH’M GONNA SHOOT TH’ FOREIGN OUTTA YER MOUTH!”

“No, you vill be eaten by bear behind you.”

“BEAR?”

“Now Putin has pistol.”

“DANG IT, AH FELL F’R TH’ OLDEST TRICK IN TH’ BOOK.”

“Vatican vill be Putin’s. Build mistress summer house. Maybe torture journalist there. Plans up in air.”

“YER GONNA BE UP IN TH’ AIR!”

“This nyet makes sense.”

“SURE, IT DOES. AH’M GONNA PUNT YA.”

“Vhat is punt?”

“A SHAMEFUL ACT, MAN! WORST THING YA C’N DO T’ A FOOTBALL!”

“Putin is nyet football. You vill not punt Putin.”

“GONNA GET ME A TIGHT SPIRAL ON YA.”

“No, I shoot Elvis.”

“MAN, THASS TH’ PRETTIEST BIRD AH EVER SAW.”

“Vhat? Vhere? Putin love animals.”

“YOU ONE DUMB BOLSHEVIK, BOY.”

“Putin let you do that.”

“NUH-UH.”

“Da.”

“NUH-UH.”

“Da. Bear is behind you again.”

“OH, NO!”

“Putin trick Elvis America again.”

“DAMMIT!”

“Putin has tommy gun.”

“THAT AIN’T NO TOMMY GUN, ISS A COMMIE GUN.”

“Putin see what you did there.”

“MAH WIT IS AS QUICK AS MAH FISTS AN’ FEET.”

“This is not quick.”

“IZZAT HENRY WINKLER BEHIND YOU?”

“The Fonz? Vhere?”

“Damn you, Elvis America. Putin loves Fonzie.”

“YOUR MISERY IS A BEAUTIFUL THING, MAN. NOW GO ON, GET.”

“Putin be back.”

“EVERYONE IS AWARE BY NOW OF TH’ REGENERATIVE NATURE O’ THIS HERE UNIVERSE.”

“Putin vill get revenge.”

“YEAH, YEAH. SUCK ON TH’ POPE’S BALLS, MAN.”

“Si, si, Suck on-a da balls.”

“OH, HEY. DIDN’T KNOW YOU WAS STILL HERE.”

“Si, si.”

“Putin vill not forget this. To the skies!”

“WHAT?”

“OH.”

“Elvis, da Pope-a supposed to love-a everyone.”

“UH-HUH.”

“That guy makes-a it tough.”

“THAT FELLA’S A REAL PRICKLY PEAR.”

“Si. You want-a da spaghetti?”

“YOU READ MAH MIND, HAPPY FRANK.”

The Games Pope Play

pope-foosball-jpg

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a playin’ da foosball!”

You look like you’re having fun.

“The bambinos, they spin-a so fast! Ball-a go this way, ball-a go that way. Is-a fun for-a da whole family.”

Who’s winning?

“Jesus.”

Sure.

“He always-a da winner in my book.”

Which book is that?

“Don’t-a be a dumdum.”

Sure. So, Your Holiness: in this time of strife, can foosball teach us anything?

“Si, si. Is-a lessons everywhere. Just gotta poke around.”

What?

“Nothing. Lesson we learn from-a da foosball is-a dis: is-a just a game. Most-a things, they just-a games. You know what’s-a no game? Love. Kindness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness is-a no game. Foosball? Is-a just da game. Lotsa things just games. Gotta know da difference.”

I like that.

“And-a when you play da game, you win or-a you lose. You no pick up-a da game and beat-a da other guy with it.”

I’m sensing you’re not just talking about foosball.

“No, no. Just-a da foosball. Sure.”

You’re actually not bad at that.

“Is-a no fair. I-a have a table at-a da Vatican.”

There’s a foosball table at the Vatican?

“Si, si. In the game room. Is-a custom job. Players is-a priests versus monks.”

Like one of those Civil War chess sets.

“No idea what-a you talking about.”

Wait: there’s a game room at the Vatican?

“Oh, si. Built-a in 1531.”

Really?

“Si, but was-a no fun. Game room got-a good in-a da 80’s.”

1580’s?

“1980’s. We got-a da first Pac-Man in Italy.”

Wow.

“Was-a da big deal. Had that-a made special, too. Custom job. Is-a no Pac-Man, is-a Pope-Man. Little pope, he eat-a da communion wafers. He still-a say ‘Wokka wokka wokka,’ but he-a say it in-a Latin.”

Sure. What about before that? What kind of games did they have in 1531?

“You could-a do stuff to-a da poor people.”

Sure.

“Not-a my idea of fun, either. The old-a popes were not-a good people.”

Not at all.

“Hey, some-a recent popes ain’t-a been good people.”

Also true. Speaking of which, how’s Benedict?

“In-a da game room!”

Odd that we should be discussing it.

“Is-a no odd. Is-a da Jesus.”

Okay. What’s Benedict doing?

“Hustling pool.”

Oh, that’s no good.

“Is-a bad look. Tourists buy-a da special package, see behind-a da scenes, and there-a he is.”

And he’s betting?

“Si, si. He dump-a da first-a few games. Ask for-a da chance to get even. Who wants to say-a no to da Pope? Even da ex-Pope.”

People feel obliged.

“There-a you go. And-a he raise the stake and-a then he beat them. Don’t even do it good! Brags while-a he does it about how-a he just hustled them!”

He is a terrible pope.

“Is-a no good for business, no.”

A Short Theological Debate Involving Batman

pope-thinking-jpg

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a thinking. World is-a all screwy.”

No arguments

“Everybody need-a da Jesus.”

At this point, it couldn’t hurt. Wait, which Jesus?

“Which Jesus? Whatsamatta you, which Jesus? Jesus is-a da Jesus.”

Jesus is like Batman, Your Holiness.

“This is-a da blasphemy.”

There’s happy, campy Batman; and grim, gritty Batman; and ben, affleck Batman. Many Batmans. Batmen?”

“Is-a no important. Get-a to da point.”

Jesus is like that: there’s the one from the books, who was frankly terrifying, and then there’s the one on teevee, who is much friendlier and wants you to be rich.

“No, no. Jesus say give-a you money away. Exact-a opposite thing. Capitalist Jesus is-a no Jesus.”

I feel like you’re not getting the nuance of my argument about differential manifestations of character essentialism.

“You keep-a talking da crap, I-a gonna inorcise you.”

Inorcise?

“Exorcise get-a ridda da demon. Inorcise put-a da demon in.”

You can do that?

“Si, si. I’m-a da Pope-a.”

You Spin Me Right Round, Pope Francis, Right Round Like A Record

pope-francis-harlem-globetrotters

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a hanging out witta da Globies!”

Cool.

“They da clown princes of-a da basketball! Come-a to da Vatican, set-a up da hoop, do-a da show.”

All that just for you?

“It’s-a good to be da Pope.”

Obviously.

“They do all-a da tricks. Throw-a confetti, ball on-a da string. One-a guy, he dribble da ball real good. Other guy talk-a real loud.”

That sounds like the Globetrotters.

“Same-a routine for 50 years.”

With all due respect, you’re one to talk, Your Holiness.

“Is not-a da same! Mother Church is-a unchanging because-a da God. Is-a what He said to do, so cannot-a change.”

That’s not true. The Church changes all the time.

“Like-a when?”

Vatican II.

“When-a else?”

Vatican I, I guess.

“Is all-a da sequels nowadays.”

Sure. Are you following the American elections, Pope Francis?

“Look-a my face.”

Pope leads general audience in St. Peter's Square at Vatican

I’ll take that as a yes.

“What-a the fuck wrong witta alla you?”

Pope!

“Scusi. I forgive-a myself.”

Papa, Papa, Many Worlds I’ve Come

pope francis group selfie.jpg

“Hey! Look-a me! Pope’s at-a da Olympics!”

I don’t think you are, Pope Francis.

“Si, si. I make-a da joke. Is-a very diverse, this-a selfie.”

Hearteningly so.

“Jesus don’t-a care where-a you come from. He care-a where you go to.”

Well, that’s lovely, Your Holiness.

“Is-a no me. From-a some song. Maybe Stryper. You-a remember Stryper?”

Sure.

“The yellow and-a black attack. Needed less-a time praying, more-time practicing.”

Not a great band, no.

“If-a you can-a be called ‘sub-Dokken,’ then you ain’t-a no good.”

True.

“Dokken had-a da best wig in-a rock and roll.”

I had no idea you were such an aficionado of ’80’s hair metal, Pope Francis.

“Si, si. Before I was-a da priest, I was-a da bouncer.”

I heard that.

“At-a da Rainbow Bar & Grill on-a da Strip.”

That’s not true.

“Was like-a da Paul Stanley said: crazy, crazy, crazy nights.”

He did say that.

“Every night was-a da party. So much-a skank.”

I would imagine.

“And-a Lemmy at-a da corner of-a da bar. High as-a da kite and-a playing da video poker. Resquiet in pace, Lemmy.”

Amen.

“You no say-a Amen. I say-a Amen.”

Sorry.

“I-a forgive you.”

You been watching the Olympics?

“I been-a praying for-a da Rio.”

Same thing.

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