Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: pope francis (page 1 of 5)

Yo Soy Llama

Just say it, Your Holiness.

“I no-a wanna say it.”

Please? Just say it.

“I no-a wanna.”

Just one time.

“Taboot-a, taboot.”

Yay!

“No more-a dis.”

Yes, sir.

Dominus Gofastum

Hey, Your Holiness. Whatcha doing?

“Is-a da publicity stunt. Can I be-a honest with you?”

Please.

“Is-a my least favorite part of-a da job. Praying? Si, si. Comfort-a da sick? Oh, si. I love-a to comfort da sick. I see a guy with-a da weird face, I hug-a da guy. You bring-a me da Elephant Man, I’m-a gonna wash his feet. Love-a to comfort da sick. But-a dis? Is-a no job for-a da Pope.”

Well, if it makes any difference, this is a Formula E car.

“I no-a know what dis is.”

They’re electric. You’ve made Climate Change a big part of your papacy, so this is right up your alley.

“Si? Is-a da big go-kart?”

Yup. Plug it right into the wall, then it does 200 miles an hour. Actually, it’s a European sport, so the car does 200 kilometers per hour. Or whatever.

“Da future is-a here, now.”

Amazing.

“And-a who drives?”

Oh, it’s still pretty guys from rich families.

“Is-a tradition. Soccer is for-a da people, but racing is-a only for some of da people.”

Twas ever thus.

“In-a Argentina, we race-a da horses. Big-a horse country.”

Did you ever ride, Your Holiness?

“No, no. Is-a tough to ride-a da horse in-a da cassock. Gotta sit side-saddle. Is-a no a good look.”

True. Weird question.

“I heard-a dem all.”

What kind of blessing do you say over a race car?

“Is-a no specific prayer in-a da Bible. Mostly, I just-a make up stuff in Latin. Talk about what’s-a for lunch, that sort-a da thing.”

And everyone’s happy afterwards.

“Si, si. Why-a not?”

Hope, Pope

“Your Holiness.”

“Hey, Signore Presidente. How you doing?”

“Good, good. You, uhhhh, don’t need to do the handshake.”

“Is-a da soul brother handshake.”

“I recognized it. Unnecessary.”

“You give-a da dap?”

“Just a regular handshake is fine.”

“Okay. Up-a to you. Is-a nice place you got-a here.”

“The White House belongs to the people, Your Holiness. And, besides, it’s not much compared to where you live.”

“Si, si. Vatican make-a dis joint look like-a da dump. Where-a da frescoes?”

“No frescoes, Your Holiness.”

“Is-a da waste of-a da good ceiling! Put-a some naked bambinos with-a da wings up there!”

“I’ll look into it, Your Holiness.”

“Call-a me Jorge.”

“I, uhhhh, can’t do that.”

“Bueno. Was-a da trick. You call-a da Pope by-a his first name, you go straight-a to Hell.”

“Well, there’s no strictures against using a President’s first name. Please call me Barack.”

“Si, si. Barack.”

“That’s great.”

“Barack?”

“Yes, Your Holiness?”

“Why you no love-a da Jesus?”

“Oh, not you, too.”

“Benedict says you a secret Muslim.”

“Former Pope Benedict says a lot of things.”

“Si, si. And he say you murder someone named-a Ben Gozzy.”

“Is the former Pope just watching Fox News all day?”

“You betcha. And he don’t-a speak English so good, so he gets-a da stories confused.”

“I’m sorry you have to put up with that.”

“Is-a no picnic with that guy.”

“Now, Your Holiness, I just need to warn you: Joe Biden is going to come in here in a minute, and he’s liable to do just about anything.”

“People freak out when I hit-a da spot.”

“He’s just Catholic as all-get-out, Your Holiness. Probably gonna cry a little. Might, uhhhh, be a bear hug. Just stay on the balls of your feet.”

“Si, si. Barack?”

“Your Holiness?”

“As-Salaam-Alaikum.”

“Wa-Alaikum-SalaamDAMMIT.”

“I got you. You-a da secret Muslim.”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“Si, si. Popes can keep-a da secrets.”

And The Boy Was Good

Hey, Pope Francis. You got a dog.

“Si, si. Is-a da saint for-a da Pope.”

It’s a St. Bernard. I see what you did.

“I make-a da joke. Is-a da good dog. No jump on-a da cassock. Some-a dogs? They get-a da mud all over. Is-a no good if you wear-a white.”

All-white is a risky look, Your Holiness.

“Secret is-a da laundry stick. You rub a little, mess is-a all gone. I go through a dozen a week.”

Have you ever had a dog?

“No, no. Priests no have-a da dogs. Churches have-a cats, but priests no have-a da dogs. Can’t have-a no wife, can’t have-a no dog. Just-a da Jesus.”

Can’t play fetch with Jesus, though.

“No, no. Jesus, he don’t-a fetch. He take-a da walk with you, but he don’t-a fetch.”

Belly rubs?

“Don’t-a be rubbin’ on-a da Jesus belly.”

Is that blasphemy?

“If it ain’t, I don’t-a know what is.”

Sure.

“You know-a da blasphemy when you see-a da blasphemy.”

Makes sense. You said that churches have cats. Did any of the churches you live in have cats?

“Oh, si, si. There was-a Jesus. She was-a da feisty cat. And-a Jesus. He’s-a da cuddlebug, Jesus. And-a Jesus. He run away.”

Were all your cats named Jesus?

“Si.”

You love Jesus.

“He’s-a numero uno with me.”

Your Holiness, can pets go to heaven?

“If-a they good, si. If-a they bad, no. And-a they gotta be normal. Iguanas no go to heaven. No-a snakes, neither. Just-a da dogs and-a da cats. Maybe real expensive fish.”

Birds?

“I no like-a da birds.”

Me, either, Pope Francis. But they’re real smart and they get real attached to people.

“Birds are-a da maybe. We see on-a da case by case basis.”

Seems fair. What about sea monkeys?

“No. Is-a just brine shrimp.”

True.He

The Lambo Of God

Hey, Pope Francis. New car?

“Si, si. I got-a da Lambo. Is-a nice. Gonna take it to-a da club. Make-a da valet park it out front. Gonna get-a da chicks.”

Your Holiness.

“I kid. You wanna get-a da chicks, you gotta drive-a da Ferrari.”

Your Holiness!

“I kid!”

You had me worried.

“I’m-a da silly goose today. Full-a da beans. I give-a da car to charity. Make-a da money for da bambinos. Feed-a da hungry.”

That sounds like you.

“Look at-a dis silly thing. Pope can-a no drive this.”

It’s off-brand.

“Si, si. And-a my big hat won’t-a fit.”

Maybe Lamborghini does a convertible.

“I’m-a set. Got-a da Popemobile. Is-a nice in there. Is-a roomy. Got-a da wifi, Sirius XM.”

Heated seat?

“Si, si. I have-a da driver turn it on before-a I get in. I get-a da toasty tush. Best part-a da day sometimes.”

Sure. You know, that sucker’s got a 5.7 liter V10 that puts out 500 horses.

“Good for-a da car.”

Not a gearhead, huh?

“No, no. Is-a nice to raise-a da money for charity, but I tell-a you something you already know.”

What’s that?

“This car is-a da sin.”

It is.

“Si, si. Is-a da middle finger to-a da poor. All-a those hours spent-a making it and-a for what? So some-a rich asshole can tell-a da world what a rich asshole he is. Forgive-a my language.”

You’re forgiven.

“That’s-a my line.”

The Heavens And The Firmament

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a watchin’ da teevee. Second season of-a Stranger Things don’t make-a no sense. Is-a no scary.”

I think you’re actually talking to astronauts, Your Holiness.

“Si, si. I make-a da joke.”

You’re a funny Pope.

“Not like-a Clement XIII. Hands-a down, da funniest Pope-a.”

When was he Pope?

“In-a da 1760’s. They’re still-a talkin’ about him here. Made-a da big impression. He knew all-a da jokes. When-a da nuns would leave-a da room, he would-a work blue. And-a he could dance. Real-a triple threat, Clement XIII.”

Sure. So what’s the best part of being Pope?

“I like-a dis part. Talkin’ to-a da people. They got-a da hope in-a their hearts. Is-a nice. Make-a me happy.”

That’s an encouraging answer.

“And I like-a da Vatican gym.”

Is it nice?

“You gotta see dis place. Is-a swanky. Towel service is-a free. Got-a da juice bar where they make-a da smoothies. They taste-a so good, but-a they good for you, too. Is-a da best of both-a da worlds.”

Sounds pretty sweet.

“I do-a da hot yoga. Lift-a da weight. Take-a da shvitz. Sometimes, I sit on-a da bike and watch-a my stories. Is-a so boring otherwise.”

Cardio is a chore.

“I don’t-a look at-a da clock. I put-a da towel over it.”

Then how do you know how long you’ve done?

“When-a da second Judge-a Judy episode is-a over, so is-a my ride.”

You’re a fan of Judge Judy, Your Holiness?

“Si, si. Love-a da Judge-a Judy. She don’t take-a no crap. I wish I could-a hire her to be-a da canonization judge.”

The canonization judge?

“Si. Before-a you become-a da saint, there’s-a da trial. Got-a someone arguing-a for you, and-a someone against. Is-a where da phrase ‘Devil’s advocate’ comes from.”

I learned something today.

“And-a it takes forever. With-a da back and forth. Judge-a Judy? She’d-a be done in eight minutes. She-a say, ‘You, you gonna be-a da saint. You, you gonna no be-a da saint.’ We could-a be home by lunch.”

She is efficient.

“And-a she says the stuff. I love-a da stuff she-a say. ‘Don’t-a poop on my lawn and-a tell me da ice cream truck came-a by.’ That sort-a da thing.”

I agree, Pope Francis, but I think you have to keep up appearances. And, besides: Judge Judy is Jewish.

“So was-a da Jesus.”

True.

A More Congenial Meeting Between The Church And The Natives Than Previously

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a wearin’ da hat.”

That’s a heck of a hat, Your Holiness.

“It’s-a gotta my name on it!”

I see that. Why is it S.S. Francis?

“They think I’m-a da boat.”

Sure.

“You see-a dis lady’s hands?”

Yes.

“She gotta those hands from-a da work. Your hands look-a like dat?”

Not at all.

“No, no. You got-a da soft hands. Should put-a dem together and-a pray more. Give-a da thanks instead of pulling on-a your pud.”

I already got this lecture from God, Your Holiness.

“Si, si. Pigpen probably gonna come and-a yell at you soon, too.”

Most likely. Are these folks even Christians?

“Pssh, what-a do I care? I’m about-a da love. I love-a dem, I love-a you. You don’t-a make it easy, though.”

I’ve been told.

“You know what-a da difference is between-a da saint and-a da sinner?”

No.

“Effort. Do-a some work, kid.”

Yes, sir. Are those acorns?

“Si, si. Smells-a like a rich lady’s bathroom. Is-a nice.”

Good to hear. I like that guy’s makeup.

“I think he’s-a da Juggalo.”

I don’t know about that, Your Holiness.

“He no-a knows how-a da magnets work.”

Okay.

“Rich people always-a messing with-a him.”

God point.

“He’s got-a da hatchet.”

Okay, maybe he’s a Juggalo.

“Si, si. Whoop, whoop.”

Amen, Your Holiness.

Not A Good Sign

Hey, Pope Francis. Where you going?

“I’m-a gettin’ outta da way. Ooh, is-a big-a storm.”

I didn’t know you were in Florida.

“Si, si. Take-a da vacation. Recharge-a da batteries.”

Was it relaxing?

“Oh, si. Read-a da books. Sat by-a da pool. Hang with-a da boys.”

The boys?

“Pitbull.”

You know Pitbull?

“Signore Worldwide? Si, si. Better Catholic than-a he is a rapper.”

Well, that’s not tough.

“Si, si. He’s-a no Jigga Man.”

True that. Wait. Are you carrying your own bag?

“Of course! Who’s-a gonna do it?”

Literally anyone else. You’re the Pope.

“No, no. I-a carry. It keeps-a me humble. Besides, I got-a some sinful things in-a here.”

Your Holiness! What could you have?

“I got-a da Elena Ferrante books.”

She’s a genius.

“No one writes-a better about-a da female friendships.”

That’s what I hear. Anything else?

“I stole-a da robe from-a da hotel.”

Oh, Your Holiness.

“I couldn’t help-a myself.”

Was it white?

“Si, si. That’s-a my color.”

Anything else you’d like to confess?

“I got-a da nuclear codes in here, too.”

The Vatican has nukes?

“Shh. Don’t-a tell no one. Especially Benedict.”

Why does the Vatican have nukes?

“Who else you gonna trust with-a da nukes?”

I guess, maybe. Where do you keep the missiles?

“Why-a you think we got-a so many obelisks?”

Wow.

“You didn’t buy-a dat Illuminati garbage, did-a you?”

A little.

“You’re-a smarter than that.”

I’m not.

“Si, si. I-a forgive you.”

Thank you, Your Holiness. Hey, uh, before you leave? Wanna throw me a little prayer here?

“Like in-a da first Rocky?”

Precisely.

Dominus Vobiscum.
Hey, Irma: Miss ’em!”

Good prayer, Your Holiness.

“Is-a what I do.”

Amen.

Forgive Me, Father, For I Have Spinned

“I-a know you. You-a da fibber.”

“I have many sins to confess, Your Holiness.”

“Si, si. You was-a bearin’ da false witness.”

“Yes, Your Holiness. I come seeking forgiveness.”

“I-a don’t know. You did-a some nutty goofball-a stuff. What’s-a da Holocaust Center?”

“I was nervous, Your Holiness. It turns out I’m not very good under pressure.”

“Mm. I-a don’t know.”

“Oh, please, Your Holiness. I can’t live with my sins.”

SEAN SPICER PROSTRATING HIMSELF NOISE

“Oh, for da love-a God. Get off-a da floor, Spicey.”

“Please don’t call me that.”

“She was-a funny doing you on-a da teevee. What’s-a her name? Da big-a girl?”

“Melissa McCarthy.”

“She should-a do another film with-a da Sandy Bullock. Those-a two had chemistry.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I was-a sad when-a you quit. I wanted to see what-a she gonna do with-a da podium next.”

“It was a fan favorite sketch, Your Holiness. Actually caused me quite a bit of trouble at work.”

“Si, si. The devil, he have-a da thin skin. Usually, he also have-a da red skin, but now it’s-a orange. You know who got-a da great sense of humor about-a himself?”

“Jesus?”

“Jesus. All-a da time, da Apostles-a roast him. Give-a him da zingers. Personal stuff-a. About-a da beard, everything.”

“And Christ just took the jokes?”

“He took-a da cross, he could take-a da joke. Except about-a his dad not being around. That’s-a da no-go spot.”

“Sensitive topic.”

“Thaddeus said-a something one time, and-a Jesus? He-a Force-chokes him.”

“Jesus Force-choked a disciple, Your Holiness?”

“Si, si. Like-a da Darth Vader.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“It’s-a not in-a da canon. Deep in-a da apocrypha.”

“Ah. What were we talking about?”

“All-a da sins you committed.”

“Right. Your Holiness, please release me from–”

“All right, all right. Dominus Vobiscum, bippit-a boppit-a boo. You’re-a forgiven.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you!”

PAPAL SLEEVE KISSING NOISE

“Hey, hands off-a da merchandise.”

“Thank you, Your Holiness.”

“It’s-a what I do.”

Tremendous Papal Audience, Best Papal Audience Ever

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“Just-a gettin’ through-a da day.”

I feel you, Your Holiness.

“I’m-a gonna say something real-a un-Popelike.”

I think I know what you’re going to say.

“This-a fuckin’ guy.”

Yup, that was the exact phrase.

“You-a think when he comes-a in da room that he’s-a gonna be da only bad thing, but NOPE: there’s-a his famiglia.”

Bad hombres.

“You-a said it. Look at-a dese two. Double double, treason and-a trouble.”

Short one witch, I think.

“Kellyanne-a Conway is around here-a somewhere.”

That makes three.

“Who’s-a da freak on-a da end? Never seen a giraffe with-a fake boobies before.”

That’s Ivanka.

“She stinks-a.”

Sure.

“Is-a da evolution of-a da neck. Big-a, normal-a, none-a.”

Also true.

“This-a fuckin’ guy. Smells-a like vomit and-a beef.”

You’re pissed, Your Holiness.

“I’m-a gonna have to hear-a da MAGA stuff from-a Benedict for weeks.”

He hanging around?

“I had-a da Swiss Guards lock him in-a da closet. End-a of da audience, he gets-a five minutes with-a da dumdum.”

Y’know, Padre, I’m almost a little disappointed here. You’re supposed to love everyone.

“I thought-a so, too, but then this-a fuckin’ guy shows up on-a da doorstep.”

You make excellent points, Your Holiness.

“He’s-a da worst person that’s-a ever been in here. And this is da Vatican! There’s-a been some real- monsters who lived-a here!”

Yup.

“Stephen da VI. He dug-a up da Pope before him and put-a him on trial. Made all-a da cardinals watch.”

Wow.

“Bendict-a da IX. He sold-a da papacy!”

Wow wow.

“Twice!”

Wow wow wow.

“But they were-a da pikers next to this-a fuckin’ guy.

Sorry you had to go through this, Your Holiness.

“I’m-a gonna be all right.”

With the help of Jesus.

“Si, si. And I’ve-a been hittin’ da holy wine since-a noon.”

Good thinking.

“Hey, I’m-a da Pope-a.”

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