Reasons To Ditch Neckties:

  • They are filthy.
  • Ever wash a tie?
  • Can you even wash a tie?
  • Trust me: filthy.
  • According to movies I enjoy, there’s a 50/50 chance of having both of your arms broken and your tie tightened to the point of strangulation if you leave the house be-cravatted.
  • Might get caught in your chainsaw.
  • Might get caught in someone else’s chainsaw; that’s worse: two lives ruined.
  • The twenty minutes a day you now spend choosing amongst your collection of tie accessories–stickpin, clasp, tie bar–can now be spent with your family, or on another hobby that distracts you from your family.
  • I don’t know about your manservant, but mine picks out simply dreadful silk throateries; I’m forced to chastise him with a heated spoon.
  • I’d rather not do that to the poor man, anymore.
  • My neck has associated wearing a tie with funerals, much like when you see an older rock star or actor trending on Twitter, and my neck gets so sad when I put on a tie.
  • And then I tell my neck, “No, don’t be sad: we’re going a wedding!”
  • And it doesn’t matter because my neck is now sad, and my neck forces me to get drunk at the wedding of certain people who may or may not be giving out Cuban cigars.
  • All the tie’s fault.
  • In some neighborhoods, wrong color tie’ll get you killed.
  • When a guy takes his tie off and rolls up his sleeves, shit’s getting done: why not just start there?
  • Another problem of the necktie is that it encourages men to get creative.
  • Some men wear bow ties in non-bow tie situations.
  • What toffs, these men.
  • Bold personalities, every one of them.
  • A man with a bow tie is a man with opinions.
  • Unless he is wearing it without a shirt: then he is a Chippendale dancer and the uniform is the uniform.
  • Ascots are worn by pornographers and Quentin Crisp.
  • If you are wearing a bolo tie, I will assume you are the governor of New Mexico and address you as such.
  • Industrial engineers for companies with strict dress codes may wear clip-on ties, because they are probably leaning into unshielded machinery all the time, and toddlers in their cutesy-wutesy widdle dwess-up cwothes may wear them, too.
  • That’s it for the clip-on.
  • Acceptable ties: real fat one with naked lady painted on it; real skinny one in the same leather as your pants; regimental tie if your regiment killed a lot of Nazis; if you are the President.
  • President has to wear a fucking tie.