- Keith’s was the biggest, but Ramrod got that name for a reason.
- Nah, fuck expiration dates; that’s just Big Dairy trying to squeeze an extra dollar out of you.
- We don’t speak any more.
- Wally knows what he did.
- One finger is cool, but any more than that and you’re gay.
- Gropius? Fuckin’ Gropius? Gropius couldn’t wipe Mies van der Rohe’s ass after Taco Tuesday.
- Okay, yeah, I’ll give you the couch; Gropius could design the fuck out of a couch.
- I’m talking big picture here, man.
- I never punched anyone, cuz you could break your knuckle on someone’s jaw real easy, man; what I did was the old-school Bunny Foo Foo head bop: closed fist WHOMP right on the crown of the skull.
- On tour, we used to hide a toy in the cereal box for Bobby to find, because he’d be a nightmare all day if he didn’t.
- We were brothers, man, we were brothers and one of the things about being a brother is treating your sisters like shit.
- Of course I would ride a unicorn, man.
- There was nothing underneath Brent’s beard.
- Just a void.
- If you stared into it for more than a second, you’d wander around fucked-up for a week or so.
- Number one rule to being a roadie is to wear a vest; after that, you know, you gotta set the equipment up and whatever.
- I never saw TC naked, but he offered quite a bit.
Go check it out, unless you’re allergic to Reddit, which is an excellent choice.
We digitized the world, put all the business on the computers, gave culture over to the cyber. Without thinking. We translated our lives into binary, and never once imagined what would happen.
True democracy, we were promised, where everyone gets a voice.
This is what happens when everyone gets a voice. This is politics now.
Things we learned during John Perry Barlow’s AMA on Reddit.
- One time, his backstage pass read ‘The guy who’s not Hunter’ and that made him so sad.
- Information wants to be free, but he prefers to get paid for speaking and writing and stuff.
- Once wrote a song about an alcoholic midget golfer called Dorf Rat.
- Bobby smells like vanilla, but in a manly way.
- Back in the good old days, John Perry Barlow liked to get fucked up and shoot pistols off in enclosed spaces to support his arguments. Even Mickey thought that was wrong. “Someone could get hurt,” Mickey said, and this is a man who once chased a roadie with a chainsaw because his gong hadn’t been polished properly.
- 50 duck-sized horses.
- Sometimes Garcia would tell him, “You’re such a good friend: I think of you like a brother,” and John Perry Barlow’s heart would break all over again.
- He is not related to the guy from Dinosaur, Jr.
- He doesn’t write songs much anymore, his time being occupied by sitting in exotic cities with other rich, smart people talking about how rich and smart they are.
- Bradley Manning should be on the twenty-dollar bill and President Obama should be impeached, then visited by the Tickle Monster. (I might be paraphrasing slightly: there is a distinct possibility that I was just skimming at this point, looking for stuff about the Dead.)
- John Perry Barlow is pretty sure he’s The Most Interesting Man in the World. In his defense, he kind of is.
- Him and Bobby once helped each other out, hand-wise, but that doesn’t make him gay because Bobby really did look like a girl back then.
- If he had time to prepare, Batman would win.
- Keith, no contest. It was like a baby’s arm holding an apple.
In honor of the manly and earthy-smelling website Reddit, Thoughts on the Dead presents Scary Two-Sentence Stories.
- Did you enjoy the chimichangas? Dammit, Garcia just locked himself in the only bathroom.
- Billy’s right behind you. That means you’re right in front of him.
- Hi, guys. Oh…hi, Ned.
- We’ve traced the call! Bobby’s shorts are INSIDE THE HOUSE.
- My pills rolled under the bed. Lend me your lighter.
- Mickey collaborated with that deaf lady who plays percussion barefoot on a three-hour all-snare symphonic interpretation of his recent colonoscopy. The album WILL be released.
- And when I woke up in the bathtub full of ice, ‘Call 911, your liver has been removed,’ was written on the mirror! Oh, yeah: that was Phil: he eats livers.
- Hey, has anyone seen my slide? Oh, here it is!