Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: richard nixon (page 2 of 3)

Three’s A Crowd

“AH’M GONNA MAKE YER BOY DANCE LIKE A MONKEY, NIX.”

“Elvis, I cannot back that plan. Jenkins, while slothful and confused, is a loyal man. He serves Nixon, and that means he serves America.”

“DO TH’ WATUSI, BOY!”

“Stop it, Elvis. Jenkins, get out. You’re riling up the King.”

“Should I still get the doctor, sir?”

“INFORM TH’ DOCTOR THAT MAH HEEBIES ARE NO LONGER ACTING UP.”

“Yes, sir.”

“NEVER INTERRUPT ME, BOY! MAH JEEBIES ARE IN OVERDRIVE!”

“Are they two diseases, sir?”

“NIX, YER BOY ABOUT T’ GET KARATE ALL OVER HISSELF.”

“Dammit, Jenkins, get out!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Ignore him, Elvis.”

“IGNORE WHO, NIX?”

“You live entirely in the present, don’t you?”

“LESS TALK ABOUT NAZIS, MAN.”

“National Socialism? That’s the worst kind of socialism, and that’s saying something. It’s like being the ugliest girl in Trenton, New Jersey.”

“AH DO SO APPRECIATE YER SIMILES.”

“The Nazi is the lowest of men, and must be destroyed. Foul and perverse people, Nazis.”

“WORSE THAN TH’ COMMIES?”

“No question. Not even a contest. Nazis are evil. Communists aren’t evil, just wrong. Nothing good about a Nazi. You don’t treat Jews that way, Elvis. You don’t have to let them in your country club, but you shouldn’t round them up.”

“THROUGH MAH TRAVELS IN HOLLYWOOD AN’ SHOW BUSINESS, AH HAVE MET MANY JEWISH PEOPLE AN’ EATEN MANY OF THEIR FINE SAN’WICHES.”

“Yes, their sandwiches are enormous. I can’t watch Kissinger eat lunch. It’s like watching a python swallow a deer.”

“BEFORE THE JEWS, NO ONE EVER THOUGHT TO PUT A PICKLE NEXT TO YOUR LUNCH. NOW WHEN AH HAVE SAN’WICHES OF A GENTILE NATURE, AH START LOOKIN’ ROUND THE ROOM FOR A JEW T’ BRING ME A PICKLE.”

“What the hell were we talking about?”

“NO IDEA, NIX, BUT NOW AH’M HUNGRY.”

“I can, uh, have the White House chef make you anything you’d like.”

“DOES HE HAVE A DEEP FRYER?”

“I believe so.”

“LEAD ME TO HIM, NIX. AH HAVE MANY SPECIFIC DEMANDS.”

“Let’s go.”

“YOU EVER HAVE A FLUFFERNUTTER FRITTER?”

“I don’t even know what that is, Elvis.”

“OH, MAN, YOUR MOUTH IS GONNA SHIT YOUR PANTS.”

“I, uh, enjoy your metaphors, Elvis.”

“NIX, YER MAH GUY. LESS GO ON A ROAD TRIP.”

“Nixon and Elvis in a Cadillac blasting across America, getting into adventures and discovering the meaning of friendship?”

“UH-HUH.”

“I will take it under advisement.”

Suspicious Hearts And Minds

“YER BOY IS GETTIN’ ALL UP ON ME, NIX.”

“Stand down, Jenkins.”

“Sorry, sir. I had that water Mr. Presley had requested.”

“THAT WAS A DAMN WEEK AGO, MAN! ME AN’ THE PRES’DENT BEEN TO CHINA AN’ BACK ALREADY!”

“What?”

“Get out, Jenkins.”

“LEAVE TH’ DANG WAWA!”

“Leave the wawa and get out, Jenkins.”

“AH AIN’T NEVER SEEN SUCH POOR CHARLIE HODGIN’! AH DID NOT EVEN REQUEST A SCARF, AN’ YET HE COULD NOT FULFILL HIS APPOINTED TASK.”

“Very hard to get good help. Tough to keep people.”

“THEY GO ON T’ OTHER JOBS?”

“No, they get indicted.”

“MISTER PRES’DENT, YOU NEED SOME O’ THE MEMPHIS MAFIA TO DO ANYTHIN’ AROUND HERE, YOU JUST ASK. IN MAH OPNION, RED WEST WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT SECRETARY OF TH’ TREASURY.”

“How is he qualified for the post?”

“HE HOLDS MAH WALLET.”

“I’ll keep him in mind, Elvis. Dammit, King, we need to stop dicking around. They’ve already sworn the madman in.”

“NIX, ISS WEIRD THAT YOU DON’ UNDERSTAN’ THE RAMIFICATIONS OF HAVIN’ A TIME MACHINE.”

“Right! Right, yes. This is new to Nixon. I understand time as an arrow.”

“NAW, MAN. TIME IS A RIVER, AND WITH THE POWER O’ THE TIME CAPE, WE BECOME LIFEGUARDS WITH X-RAY VISION, AN’ CAN SWIM WHENEVER WE WANT AN’ NEVER GET WET.”

“Elvis, that didn’t even make sense by your standards.”

“MAH HEEBIE-JEEBIES ARE ACTIN’ UP.”

“Oh, no. Should I send for the White House physician?”

“THAT DEPENDS. IS HE A FAN O’ MINE?”

“I believe he is, Elvis.”

“BRING HIM UNTO ME.”

“Yes, yes. Jenkins? Jenkins!”

“AH TOL’ YOU THAT BOY IS USELESS AS A DICK ON A TENNIS RACKET.”

“You’re getting worse, Elvis! Your metaphors have lost all coherency. Jenkins, fetch the doctor.”

“Our doctor, sir? Or the one Elvis brought with him that’s been shooting morphine into the secretaries?”

“Ours, Jenkins.”

“BOTH, JENKINS.”

“Yes, sirs.”

“Elvis, lay down on that couch. The doctor will be here in a moment.”

“AH FEEL WOOZY.”

“Okay, son.”

“THASS A FUN WORD T’ SAY, NIX. ‘WOOZY.’ TRY IT, MAN. MAKES YER MOUTH FEEL LIKE THERE’S A PARTY GOIN’ ON.”

“You’re delirious, Elvis. Lay down. I will be in the next room.”

“WHERE YOU GOIN’?”

“I am still consolidating our power. I believe that the urban initiative I launched yesterday is paying off, but I must speak to some more dignitaries.”

“YOU A MASTER OF REALPOLITIC, NIX.”

“Yes.”

“AH WILL BE HERE GOIN’ THROUGH YOUR DESK LOOKIN’ FOR LOOSE POLICE BADGES.”

“Okay. Be right back.”

“Can your country count on you, Mr. Brown?”

“MY HEEBIE-JEEBIES ACTIN’ UP!”

“Oh, God, another one.”

A Gifted Man

“NIX, BEFORE WE UNDERTAKE THIS PERILOUS JOURNEY TO RESCUE THE FUTURE FROM ITSELF, AH WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH SOME FINE GIFTS.”

“Oh. Yes, of course. Thank you, Elvis. Are all of the gifts pills?”

“NO, SIR. NOT ALL.”

“Elvis, I keep telling you: Nixon doesn’t do quaaludes.”

“AW, C’MON, NIX: LIVE A LITTLE. LUDE UP WITH TH’ KING.”

“No, thank you.”

“LESS GET LUDED, MAN.”

“Elvis: no.”

“AH’LL BE LUDE FERRIGNO, AN’ YOU BE LUDE GOSSETT, JR.”

“Dammit, King, this is 1970. You wouldn’t know who either of those people are yet.”

“THE CONTINUITY OF THIS HERE UNIVERSE GOT A FLOATING TIMELINE, MR. PRESIDENT.”

“Y’know, just when I start to understand this bullshit, the rules change.”

“AH HAVE GIFTS OTHER’N PILLS, NIX. PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF MAHSELF.”

“Thank you, Elvis.”

“THIS A L’IL BITTY BOTTLE O’ SHAMPOO AH STOLE FROM MAH HOTEL. AH GIVE IT TO YOU.”

“Well, the White House stewards generally provide toiletries, but thank you for the gift. What hotel are you staying at?”

“BIG OL’ PLACE CALLED THE WATERGATE.”

“I’ve never been.”

“YOU SHOULD STOP IN, MAN. THEY DO A HELLUVA STEAK SAN’WICH.”

“Can’t be too thick. Sometimes you get a steak sandwich and there’s half-a-foot of meat in there. I don’t need that much steak. I’m not a puma.”

“AH AM A PUMA.”

“Yes, fine, you’re a puma.”

“AH ALSO PRESENT TO YOU AND YOUR WUNNERFUL FAMILY A PHOTOGRAPH OF ME AN’ MY WUNNERFUL FAMILY.”

“A lovely family you have, Elvis.”

“THASS ME IN TH’ MIDDLE. AH AM THE ONE IN TH’ CAPE.”

“Yes, I recognized you.”

“LOOK HOW GOOD AH LOOK.”

“You take care in your appearance.”

“THASS MAH LOVELY WIFE, PRISCILLA AN’ THASS MAH BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL, LISA-MARIE.”

“You’re a lucky man, Elvis.”

“AN’ THASS MAH KNOCK-KNEED, EIGHT-TOOTHED, DRAFT-DODGIN’, GREASE-COLLECTIN’, BANJO-DICKED HOBBIT OF A DADDY–”

“Vernon.”

“–VERNON. AN’ RIGHT NEXT T’ HIM IS CHARLIE HODGE.”

“The man who brings you your scarves and water.”

“AH SWEAR YOU GOTTA MIND LIKE A BEAR TRAP, MR. PRESIDENT.”

“This is what the people don’t understand. How much detail-work this job entails, Memos, meetings, phone calls, relationships. The presidency is a juggling act, Elvis.”

“C’N YOU DO BOWLING PINS?”

“I was speaking metaphorically.”

“AS WAS AH, SIR. AH HAVE STILL MORE GIFTS FOR YOU.”

“Elvis, are you just giving me random shit from your pockets?”

“NOT ALL OF IT. THIS BOOK AH HAVE CHOSEN SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU. IT IS ON THE SECRETS OF LEMURIA.”

“Do they have oil?”

“NO, SIR.”

“Not interested. Listen, Elvis, time is growing tight. We need to get on the stick and get to the future.”

“UH-HUH. YOU KNOW WE GOT A TIME MACHINE, RIGHT? WE CAN LEAVE WHENEVER WE WANT AN’ WE WON’T BE LATE.”

“Ah, yes. Then we have time to discuss my latest gambit.”

“WE CAN GO T’ VEGAS IF YOU WANT, NIX.”

“Gambit, Elvis. There’s bad news from the waterfront.”

“AW, NO. DON’ TELL ME THEM MERCENARIES DIED!”

“Worse.”

“YOU PAID ‘EM UPFRONT, DIDN’T YOU?”

“Just half.”

“AW, MAN.”

“Nothing to worry about, Elvis.”

“NOTHIN’ TO WORRY ABOUT? MAN, WE LOST THE DAMN CHINESE, AN’ NOW WE AIN’T GOT ANY NAVY! ISS GONNA BE JUSS YOU AN’ ME.”

“No, no. I have another friend who will help us rally some truly helpful support.”

“ALL RIGHT, NIX! YOU A GREAT AMERICAN, MAN.”

“Sammy, can you talk to the blacks for me?”

“Yes, I can.”

Buckle Up, It’s Going To Be A Bumpy Ride

“YOU SEE THIS BELT BUCKLE, NIX?”

“Tough to miss it, Elvis.”

“AH’LL GET YOU ONE. AN’ THAT GREEK FELLA YOU SEND OUT T’ BE MEAN T’ PEOPLE. WHASS THAT OL’ BOY’S NAME?”

“I believe you’re speaking about Spiro Agnew, King. He’s the Vice-President.”

“UH-HUH. WE SHOULD BRING HIM ALONG T’ 2017. AH THINK HE’D BE GOOD ON TWITTER.”

“What?”

“WE GONNA HAVE TO CATCH YOU UP IF YOU’RE GONNA BE PRESIDENT O’ THE 21ST CENT’RY, NIX.”

“Yes, yes. Excellent idea. I need a briefing on contemporary issues. Let’s start at the top. Who is this Trump jackass replacing? Tell me about the outgoing president.”

“YOU MIGHT WANNA SIDDOWN F’R THIS ONE, NIX.”

“How bad could it possibly be?”

“AH’M JUS’ GONNA WHISPER IT TO YA. PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“What?”

“PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“Oh, dear.”

“PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“What!?”

“PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“His wife’s one, too?”

“YESSIR.”

“Good God, Elvis. What has this country become?”

“NOW YOU JUS’ HOLD ON T’ THEM WHITE HORSES, NIX! THAT FELLA LEAVING THIS OFFICE 47 YEARS FROM NOW IS A GOOD MAN. HE DID RIGHT BY THE FOLKS WHAT VOTED F’R HIM, AND DID WHAT HE COULD FOR TH’ FOLKS WHAT DIDN’T. THAT OBAMA IS A FINE AMERICAN, AN’ AH WOULD ALLOW HIM T’ BRING ME SCARVES AND WATER ANY DAY.”

“I suppose it could be worse. Could be a Catholic.”

“AH’M WITH YOU ON THAT ONE, MR. PRESIDENT. THEM PAPISTS IS SOME GOOFY GOOBERS.”

“Answerable only to Rome, Elvis. The loyalty of the Catholic is to Rome, not America.”

“WELL, THASS BETTER THAN THIS SOMBITCH WE’RE OVERTHROWIN’! HE ANSWERS T’ MOSCOW.”

“Much worse in every capacity. Politics, weather.”

“AIN’ NOBODY EVER BOUGHT NO RUSSIAN SPORTS CAR.”

“No, no. The Italian is incapable of governing himself or conducting a proper war, but he has style. Nixon never had style, Elvis. They mock me for this, the press. They wanted Kennedy. You know what Jack Kennedy was, King? A haircut with herpes, that’s it. But he had style, which I do not.”

“THASS WHY AH’M GETTIN’ YOU THE BELT BUCKLE. YOU PUT ONE OF THESE ON, AN’ LADIES GONNA START ASKIN’ YOU T’ SIGN THEIR TATAS.”

“I don’t know if Mrs. Nixon will be okay with that, Elvis.”

“SIGN HER TATAS, TOO, NIX. GOTTA SPREAD YER SEXY AROUND.”

“Elvis, let’s concentrate. Is the, uh, Time Cape all charged up? We need to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice.”

“GOOD CALL, MAN. LEMME GET HER UP T’ FULL POWER. HI-YAAH!”

“HI-YAAH!”

“HI-YAAH!”

“Is the Time Cape powered by karate, Elvis?”

“IT IS, NIX. NOTHIN’ GETS BY YOU.”

“Wonderful.”

“WHAT WE WAITIN’ FOR, MAN? AH’M FIXIN’ TO FIX THE 21ST CENTURY.”

“Our naval support, Elvis. They just called, and have upgraded to a faster ship. They should be here any minute.”

“UH-HUH.”

“Is this like the Time War, Billy?”

“Kinda. It’s a Time Coup.”

“Bloodless?”

“Why would they call me if they wanted it to be bloodless?”

“True. Are we getting paid?”

“No.”

“Are you getting paid?”

“Yes.”

“Bill, we’re in Hawaii. How are we gonna get to D.C. by Friday?”

“Precarious is driving the boat.”

“Oh, okay.”

A Change, In Plantain

“How the hell did we get back here?”

“NIX, YOU CAN’T HOLD YER LIQUOR.”

“How many Chinamen did I karate?”

“ALL OF ‘EM, SEEMED LIKE. AH WAS PROUD OF YOUR MARTIAL ARTS SKILLS. YOU HONORED YOUR SENSEI.”

“Huh. Wonderful. Good to hear, Elvis.”

“ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU KICKED CHOU EN-LAI IN HIS FACE.”

“That’s regrettable.”

“HE TASTED BOTH YOUR POWER AND YOUR FLORSHEIM.”

“Between you and me, Elvis? I am not a good drinker.”

“THASS WHY AH NEVER TOUCH THE STUFF. MAN’S BODY IS HIS DOJO.”

“Excellent thinking.”

“DEMEROL?”

“No, thank you. What about the deal? Are the Chinese still on our side?”

“DEAL? MAN, AH HAD TO TALK MAO OUTTA LAUNCHIN’ HIS DAMN NUKES AT YORBA LINDA.”

“Whoa. Good work, Elvis. May I ask how you accomplished that?”

“TURNS OUT THAT ME AN’ OL’ MAO HIT IT OFF.”

“Really?”

“WE BOTH STAY UP ALL NIGHT; WE BOTH ALWAYS GET OUR OWN WAY.”

“Sure.”

“BOTH CRAZY AS A FERRET IN A MONGOOSE COSTUME.”

“I understand the gist of that saying, if not the particulars.”

“HE GOT HISSELF A DR. NICK, TOO. AH DID NOT KNOW THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES AFFECTED THE CHINESE SOUL.”

“Sounds like you two had yourselves a time.”

“HE PRESENTED ME WITH MANY SMALL WOMEN WEARIN’ PANTIES MADE OF COTTON. AH ASSIGNED CHARLIE HODGE TO BRING HIM SCARVES AN’ WATER FOR THE EVENING.”

“Good to hear.”

“HE IS A FINE MAN, MAO. AH LOOKED DEEP INTO HIS EYES AN’ SAW HIS SOUL.”

“Well, as deep as you could look.”

“RIGHT. AS A CHINEE, MAO HAS THEM SLANTY EYES.”

Okay, I’m gonna need the two of you dead assholes to stop being so fucking racist. Now.

“That was that narrator fellow?”

“UH-HUH.”

“He can, uh, just throw in his two cents while we’re having a scene together?”

“THE RULES OF THIS UNIVERSE ARE OF AN IMPROVISATORY NATURE.”

“Important information. So, you calmed the Chinese down?

“YEAH, BUT LIKE AH SAID: THEY AIN’T GONNA PARTNER UP WITH US NO MORE. WE ON OUR OWN, NIX.”

“No, no. Nixon always plans for contingencies. Remember, Elvis: one if by land; two if by sea.”

“THREE IF BY ROCKETCYCLE.”

“Sure, but stick with me. Perhaps we need to take Washington from the Potomac side.”

“AH SEE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. WE NEED T’ SPEAK WITH MIGHTY POSEIDON.”

“Boats, Elvis.”

“OR THAT.”

“I have spoken with some very dangerous men. Our attack will come by sea.”

“HOT DAMN, THIS SOME EXCITIN’ STUFF! WHO YOU GOT, NIX? CAP’N BLOOD?”

“No.”

“CAP’N CRUNCH?”

“Also no.”

“WHO, NIX?”

“The most dangerous men at sea, Elvis.”

“Billy, I don’t think this is the way to D.C.”

“Just keep rowing, Walton.”

“Why are there so many guns in the boat?”

“You gonna row or you gonna ask questions? Step on it: it’s almost the 20th.”

“What does that matter?”

“Just keep rowing.”

Nix Kicks, Hicks Fix

“I take it back. I like these little bastards.”

Great?

“None of ’em are Jewish, so that’s a plus.”

You make me so sad.

“Aggressive like the Jews, but not as obnoxious.”

Please stop.

“Lemme ask you a question. What do you think about death squads?”

I think very poorly of them.

“What if they were in Chile?”

Jesus, how much have you had to drink?

“There’s 8,000 of ’em and y’gotta drink with each one. I’m gonna karate one.”

Where did you learn that?

“Elvis is now, uh, my sensei.”

Please don’t cause an international/cross-temporal incident.

“Hii-YAH! Nixon knows karate!”

Dammit. Elvis? Elvis!? Where the hell are you?

“HERE AH ARE.”

What?

“AH AM ITERATIN’.”

Stop iterating! Only Jesus gets to do that.

“REGARDLESS, MAN. AH AM MANY, ALL ARE ME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.”

Go get Nixon.

“WHASS GOIN’ ON WITH NIX?”

He’s drunkenly using the karate you taught him on the Chinese delegation.

“NO, MAN, NO! KARATE IS A PEACEFUL ART.”

It’s the exact opposite.

“KARATE MUST BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER, FOR WE ARE ALL STUDENTS IN THE SAME DOJO.”

Great. Go get him.

“AH WILL DO THIS THING BECAUSE IT IS OF MAH CHOOSING.”

Okay. Go back to being one white guy.

“AH PROMISE NOTHIN’.”

Xiaoping, Scowling, Pooping

“Look at this tiny little fuck.”

Mr. President.

“Does he represent China or the Lollipop Guild?”

Sir.

“Nixon could break him. With my hands. I wouldn’t need tools, just these Christian hands.”

You’re getting weird.

“What kind of name is ‘Deng,’ anyway?”

Chinese name.

“Arthur. That’s an excellent name for a man. You can trust an Arthur. Deng? No. Not acceptable. Like a beard. If this wee sonofabitch had a beard, I would sock him in the jaw on principle.”

You’re not into beards, huh?

“No, I am not into beards. Into? Is that a young person expression?”

Kinda. Here’s the thing, Mr. President: if you’re coming to 2017 to retake the Oval Office, then you should know about the beards.

“What about them?”

They’re everywhere.

“Cocksuckers.”

They’re everywhere, too.

“What are you saying? 2017 is nothing but hairy fairies?”

Little bit.

“Beards first. Explain this. A man shaves his face in the morning and then before presidential debates.”

Not lately. Height of fashion nowadays. It is a positive for a man’s status in the mainstream culture of America in 2017 for a man to be bearded. The practice is encouraged from every side.

“You people are filth. Now tell me about the queers.”

Jesus, Mr. President. Don’t talk like that.

“Young man, you know who I was when you started this waste of everyone’s time. Don’t you presume to tell Nixon not to be Nixon.”

Yeah, yeah.

“You’re going on my list.”

Really? Thank God; I’ll finally have some credibility.

“What the hell has happened to this country? Turned into a horde of bearded buttfuckers.”

We need Jesus.

“You need Nixon!”

Now more than ever. Sir?

“Yes, what is it?”

Have you seen Elvis?

“He’s here with me. He’s doing deep cover work. As you know, his years of Hollywood films have made him a master of disguise, and stage makeup, that sort of thing. He has infiltrated the Chinese team, and is gathering intel. The man is a chameleon.”

Really?

“AH HAVE BLENDED IN!”

You haven’t.

“AS YOU KNOW, MAH YEARS OF HOLLYWOOD FILMS HAVE MADE ME A MASTER OF DISGUISE, AND STAGE MAKEUP, THAT SORTA THING.”

People keep telling me that.

“THESE CHINESE DON’ KNOW IT’S ME, MAN.”

Well, that’s a good job by you.

“ISS NOT, MAN. AH DON’T LIKE NO ONE KNOWIN’ WHO AH AM. AH WANNA GO BACK TO WHERE AH’M FAMOUS, AND THERE’S PEANUT BUTTER. BILLION CHINAMEN, AN’ AIN’T ONE HEARD O’ PEANUT BUTTER.”

No peanut butter in China?

“THEY EAT EV’RY DAMN OTHER THING THAT GROWS, WALKS, FLIES, AN’ SWIMS! ONE O’ THESE WOOLLY BOOGERS BROUGHT ME AN EEL SMOOTHIE TH’ OTHER DAY, MAN.”

Ew.

“ASKED F’R SOME FRIED CHICKEN, THEY GAVE ME A YAK’S HEART STUFFED WITH BEETS.”

Double ew.

“AH AM FAIRLY CERTAIN AH HAVE EATEN SEVERAL MONKEYS.”

Elvis, concentrate.

“BRIGHT SIDE? AH’M POOPIN’ AGAIN.”

Yeah?

“WHANG DANG DOODLE, AM AH POOPIN’!”

Okay, less information about that. What exactly are you doing there?

“AH HAVE JOINED THE YAKUZA.”

Wrong country.

“THEN WHO CUT OFF MAH PINKY?”

Dammit, Elvis.

High-Level Diplomacy

“Goddamned heathens. Look at them.”

Mr. President, please.

“They’ve seen forks. I know they have.”

They’re just chopsticks, sir.

“I jam one of these up his nose, I take out his frontal lobe.”

Don’t do that.

“Of course not! Nixon is a master of diplomacy. I will radiate American strength, and if that means eating feet or lips or whatever this shit is with sticks: so be it. Nixon works for America, not for his own low urges.”

Good.

“I’d have these little bastards building a railroad if it was up to me.”

Sir.

“Kissinger’s in his glory. His people love Chinese food.”

True.

“There’s something about the Jewish soul that is incomplete.”

Stop talking.

“Never! Diplomacy, negotiation, back-and-forth: these are the ways the world keeps from burning. Even when we despise our conversational partners, we must talk to each other. Always keep talking. When open communication ceases, then rumor and paranoia fill the silence.”

That’s actually pretty good advice.

“You just need to remember that the person sitting across the table is a lying son-of-a-bitch.”

Also good advice. Are the Chinese onboard with your plan to annex the future?

“They’re all in. China is used to being the country of the future.”

Mr. President, aren’t you worried about the unexpected consequences of your actions?

“Of course, but I’ve foreseen all the possible outcomes. Played out the scenarios in my head. We will be victorious. Nixon, Elvis, the Chinese, a time machine: who can possibly interfere with our plans?

“I see you, Tricky Dicky.”

Goddammit, you’re back?

“I hear Trump in trouble, He my guy.”

I’m shocked to hear that.

“He steal my slogan.”

Which was?

“Make Only Korea Great Again.”

Doesn’t that imply that Only Korea is not currently great?

“Have slogan-writer and family executed.”

Wonderful. Stay out of this.

“I do what I want.”

Dammit.

Only Elvis Could Go To Vegas

Oh, God, what are you doing?

“PRESIDENT NIXON DONE COME UP WITH A STRATEGY.”

Don’t let him do that. He doesn’t do that. I do that. Stop improvising and stay in the Oval Office.

“WE TRAVELIN’ THE WORLD DRUMMIN’ UP SUPPORT FOR OUR PLAN T’ GO TO 2017 AN’ HALT ALL THE HAPPENINGS. KISSINGER LIKES THE PLAN, AND THASS A MAN WITH KNOWLEDGE.”

Do not ask Kissinger for notes, Elvis.

“AH WILL ASSEMBLE THE NATIONS OF TH’ WORLD, JUST LIKE AH ASSEMBLED MAH MIGHTY VEGAS BAND.”

I truly need the past to stop making armed incursions into the present.

“NO CAN DO, WHITE BELT. WE GONNA ROUND UP A POSSE AN’ AMBLE ON OVER TO D.C. AND SEE WHAT’S WHAT.”

Is that how you think this works?

“YOU GONNA TELL ME ‘BOUT THE CONSTITUTION, BOY?”

If necessary.

“HOW MANY MAJOR MOTION HOLLYWOOD PICTURES YOU STARRED IN?”

None.

“ALL RIGHT, THEN. SO AH GUESS AH KNOW MORE ‘BOUT THE CONSTITUTION.”

You can’t argue with that logic. How far down does that jacket go?

“THAT’S A GOOD EYE F’R NOTICIN’ HOW WUNNERFUL AH LOOK. CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU AN’ ANY YOUNG CHILDR’N YOU MIGHT HAVE.”

Thank you.

“AH HAVE COMBINED A COAT WITH A CAPE. SOME O’ MAH KINGLY DUTIES REQUIRE FORMALITY, SO AH NEED A COAT, BUT AH ALSO WANNA LOOK LIKE A SUPERHERO. AH CALL IT THE COAT-APE.”

Imaginative.

“AN’ AH WAS SAYIN’ IT, RIGHT? COAT-APE, COAT-APE. AN’ WHAT DOES OL’ CHARLIE HODGE DO? HE GETS RIGHT DOWN ON TH’ FLOOR, STARTS DOIN’ THE COAT-APE. HE’S HOOTIN’ AN’ HOLLERIN’. WE ALL DAMN NEAR BUSTED A GUT, MAN.”

That’s cute.

“THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER, AH WANTED T’ SEE CHARLIE DO THE COAT-APE AGAIN. BUT, SEE, CHARLIE WASN’T IN TH’ MOOD. SO AH FIRED THREE ROUNDS RIGHT NEAR HIS FEET AN’ MADE HIM DO THE DAMN COAT-APE. AND WHEN HE’S DOIN’ IT, AH THROW MCDONALD’S GIFT CERTIFICATES AT HIM UNTIL HE CRIES.”

That’s terrible.

“CRYIN’ LITTLE COAT-APE.”

You’re a monster. Why are you standing in front of hats?

“THEY HAVE COUNTRIES ON ‘EM.”

And?

“COALITION, MAN.”

You haven’t been briefed on Nixon’s plan, have you?

“HE MAY HAVE TAKEN OVER THE PARTNERSHIP THROUGH SNEAKY METHODS.”

What did he do?

“YOU CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE HOW MANY BADGES TH’ PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES CAN GET HIS HANDS ON, MAN.”

What I’m hearing is that you were quite literally distracted by shiny things.

“AND HE MADE ME THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY OF AMERICA.”

Not a thing.

“LUCKILY, AH HAD BROUGHT MAH SWEARIN’-BIBLE WITH ME. AH BOTH TAKE AND ADMINISTER UP TO A DOZEN OATHS A DAY.”

What?

“MOSTLY MAKIN’ THE MEMPHIS MAFIA SWEAR THAT THEY WASN’T THE ONE’S ATE MAH SNICKERDOODLES.”

Sound management strategy.

“THAT JOE ESPOSITO, MAN. HE PUTS HIS HAND ON THE BIBLE AND SWEARS TO THE LORD JESUS AND LOOKS ME RIGHT IN MAH SUNGLASSES, AND AH KNOW HE IS A DAMN LIAR. AH C’N SMELL SNICKERDOODLE ON HIM.”

We’re off the point, Elvis. Are you going to these places?

“HELL, NO, MAN. AH AIN’T NEVER LEFT AMERICA ‘CEPT GERMANY FOR THE ARMY AN’ HAWAII A COUPLE TIMES.”

So, you’ve never been to Spain?

“NO, BUT AH BEEN T’ OKLAHOMA.”

That was fun. Quick question: where is Richard Nixon right now?

“YOU REMEMBER THAT COALITION THING AH WAS TALKIN’ ‘BOUT?”

Yes.

“WELL, HE’S SERIOUS ‘BOUT IT. WENT T’ SEE SOME OL’ FRIENDS.”

Old friends? Oh, fuck, no.

Goddammit, Mr. President.

“Trump wants to get into bed with the Russians, then Nixon is getting into whatever filthy bag of straw these heathens sleep on.

Please don’t do this.

“China wants in. They think he’s volatile, and bad for the global economy and general stability. I agree.”

We have come to the point where Richard Nixon and the Chinese are the reasonable ones.

“Nixon is always reasonable, it’s my enemies that lie. The press, mostly. Terrible. Not just the Jewish reporters, but I have noticed that the Jewish reporters lie with the greatest frequency.”

Please don’t be terrible. You’re supposed to be better than the guy you’re trying to usurp.

“Goddammit, don’t you compare Nixon to that loose cannon! Years of service, all the while being attacked by every critic. They threw rocks at Nixon in Caracas, and that bastard Eisenhower laughed at me. They called me sweaty and weird, but no one feared Nixon. Deep down, they craved me. They knew I would defend the nation.”

I guess.

“The American people know that Nixon hates foreigners. This is why I am trusted to deal with them. For example, I killed many Chinese during the war.”

You were a logistics officer who didn’t leave the base.

“I killed many Chinese during the war.”

Fine.

“The Chinese are aware of this, and will deal with me accordingly.”

Realpolitik.

“I am also, uh, staying at a Chinese hotel while here, and must assume it to be bugged. Therefore, I will be engaging no local prostitutes to urinate on me.”

Smart move. So, the Chinese are on your side in the cross-temporal governmental incursion?

“Things look good, but the translator has been getting steadily drunker throughout the night. He’s been doing karaoke for ten minutes now.”

What song?

“Blue Suede Shoes.”

Fitting.

Elvis v. Nixon: Dawn Of Justice

“WHO YOU THINK’D WIN, NIX: BATMAN OR SUPERMAN?”

“I try not to engage in hypotheticals.”

“WE AIN’T TALKIN’ ‘BOUT NO HYPERTENTACLES, MAN. BATMAN AN’ SUPERMAN. WHO YOU GOT?”

“We should be concentrating on more important subjects, Elvis.”

“MORE IMPORTANT? AIN’T NOTHIN’ MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHO’D WIN ‘N A SUPERHERO FIGHT.”

“Elvis, son: you must bear down. We have a, uh, delicate task ahead of us. Time travel-assisted cross-reality political intervention is quite a row to hoe. We must focus.”

“Jesus, man. Fine. Does Batman have time to prepare?”

“COURSE HE DOES, NIX. AIN’T MUCH OF A FIGHT OTHERWISE.”

“What about Kryptonite? Does, uh, the Batman possess this materiel?”

“UH-HUH.”

“And which one is being advised by Nixon?”

“SCUSE ME?”

“Well, what I ask is: are they being their usual infantile selves, or can I plan the battle?”

“LESS HEAR YOU TAKE A WHACK AT IT, NIX.”

“Yes, right. If I am, uh, Superman, then I use my super-vision and eyebeams to incinerate Batman from a hundred miles away. Alternately, I might fly through him at Mach 6, but I believe the smart course of action is to stay as far from Batman as possible. Were I standing next to Batman when the fight began, I would immediately leave the area. Now that I say it all out loud, I think that flying through him is not going to work. Just adds too many variables.”

“KEEP GOIN’, MAN.”

“And, uh, if I were Batman and needed to kill Superman, then I would remember that I’m Batman, and therefore a genius, and I would figure out a way to talk Superman into committing suicide.”

“WHAT TH’ FUCK, NIX?”

“That’s war, son. That’s politics. That’s Nixon.”

“YOU A GOOD AMERICAN, MISSER PRESIDENT.”

“And you, Elvis. And you. Now, uh, let’s stop wasting our time on silly bullshit and discuss our plan to time travel to the year 2017 and overthrow the American government.”

“YESSIR.”

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