Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: richard nixon (page 3 of 3)

A Secret Plan To Win The War

“This? They elected this?”

“THASS WHAT AH’M TELLIN’ YOU, NIX. THE FUTURE OF AMERICA IS AT STAKE HERE. THIS HERE ORANGE FELLA AIN’T NO GOOD.”

“This is the one who enjoys the…what did you call them, Elvis?”

“PEEPEE PARTIES, SIR.”

“That’s a filthy perversion, Elvis.”

“AND ISS COMMIE PISS, MAN.”

“The yellow menace strikes again. What of his background? Tell me about his legislative accomplishments.”

“HE’S A DANG TEEVEE HOST, SIR.”

“Like Captain Kangaroo?”

“HE DON’T HAVE NO SIDEBURNS, BUT OTHER’N THAT? YEAH, JUSS LIKE HIM.”

“Jesus. Elvis, do you know why I bombed Cambodia?”

“PATRIOTISM, SIR?”

“That’s it, yes. No matter what they say about Nixon, they can never say he did not love his country enough.”

“YOU TALKIN’ BOUT THEM ROCKET’S RED GLARE. UH-HUH.”

“What you’re suggesting, Elvis…this is unorthodox. Might even be illegal.”

“NOT IF YOU DO IT, SIR.”

“I don’t follow.”

“IF THE PRESIDENT DOES IT, IT AIN’T ILLEGAL.”

“Huh. Yeah. Y’know what? I like that.”

“THASS ALL YOURS, NIX.”

“I should write that down. Where the hell is Jenkins?”

“HE WENT TO FETCH MAH WAWA TEN MINUTES AGO.”

“Goddamned layabout. Can’t get good help these days.”

“AH TOL’ YOU: INSTALL SOME TAPE RECORDERS IN HERE.”

“One great idea after another. Have you ever thought about going into politics, Elvis?”

“YES, SIR, AH HAVE.”

“Republican Party can use some men like you.”

“THERE’S ONLY ONE MAN LIKE ME, NIX.”

“True, true. So, uh, how do we do this?”

“AH WILL GATHER YOU IN MAH STRONG ARMS AND ENGAGE MAH TIME CAPE.”

“Whoa. Elvis, I don’t know what kind of thing you Hollywood types are into, but Nixon isn’t doing any queer shit.”

“THIS ENDEAVOR IS NOTHING BUT MANLY, NIX! THE KING AIN’T NO SISSY! AN’ IF AH WAS, THEN AH COULD DO BETTER THAN YOU.”

“Hey, hey, hey: I was not accusing you of anything, Elvis.”

“AH SURE HOPE NOT. AIN’T NO SECRET SERVICE IN TH’ WORLD FAST ENOUGH TO BEAT MAH KARATE IN A RACE TO YOUR FACE. AH GOT CLAWS LIKE AN EAGLE, AN’ A HEART LIKE A LION.”

“You’re describing a griffin.”

“THEN SO BE IT!”

“Well, I certainly offer a sincere apology for any offense. It was unintentional. I categorically state for the record that neither you nor I is a homosexual.”

“NIX, WE MIGHT JUS’ BE THE TWO LEAST GAY DUDES ON THIS HERE PLANET.”

“Okay, sure. Now you were mentioning something about a time cape?”

“YOU CAPITALIZE THAT PHRASE, DAMN YOU!”

“Time Cape?”

“BETTER.”

“Good, I was thinking you meant all the letters. I, uh, cannot speak in all caps like you can.”

“VERY FEW CAN, MISTER PRESIDENT. JUS’ ME AN’ A SOUND SYSTEM WON’T BE BUILT F’R THREE YEARS.”

“You lost me again, Elvis.”

“DON’ YOU WORRY ‘BOUT IT.”

The Leader Of The Free World And Richard Nixon

“AH NOTICED YOU NOTICIN’ MAH FINE POSSESSIONS. AH HAVE MANY.”

“Those are some cufflinks, Elvis.”

“THEY ARE TIGERS MADE FROM GOLD, WITH EYES OF DIAMONDS. ALSO–”

click

“–THERE IS A SECRET COMPARTMENT FOR EMERGENCY PILLS.”

“Ah. That’s some American ingenuity right there.”

“YOU TAKE THEM PILLS, NIX. THASS ELVIS’ GIFT TO YOU.”

“What are they?”

“AH DO NOT RECALL. LET’S TAKE ‘EM, AN’ FIND OUT.”

“I’m, uh, going to pass. Thank you, Elvis, but I’m all right.”

“YOU’D BE A LOT MORE RIGHT WITH ONE O’ THESE IN YOU, BUT AH WILL RESPECT YOUR WISHES. MORE FOR TH’ KING.”

“Why the medication? Are you ill, Elvis?”

“DR. NICK SAYS AH GOT THE WORST CASE OF HEEBIE-JEEBIES HE’S EVER SEEN.”

“Oh, terrible news. Just terrible. I’ll have Ehrlichman pray for you.”

“YOU EVER BEEN TO PARIS, NIX?”

“Paris, France?”

“THEY AIN’T BUILT TH’ ONE IN LAS VEGAS YET, SO YEAH.”

“I have. Several times.”

“TELL ME ABOUT PARIS, MAN. AH AIN’T NEVER BEEN. TELL ME ‘BOUT THAT CITY OF LIGHTS.”

“Paris is the capital city of France. Old. Very old, but with modern features.”

“UH-HUH.”

“The inhabitants, known as Parisians, are renowned for their culture and food. Some truly superb restaurants. My wife, Pat, had the beef bourguignon at one. She, uh, enjoyed her meal very much. Still talks about it to this day. And, of course, there’s the Eiffel Tower.”

“HOT DAMN, YOU GOT A WAY WITH WORDS, NIX!

“That’s kind of you Elvis.”

“YOU PAINTED A WORD PICTURE, MAN. IT WAS LIKE AH WAS THERE.”

“Oh, stop.”

“YOU SHOULDA BEEN A POET, MAN.”


P.S. Okay, Enthusiasts: what’s the best part of the picture? It’s something you’ve done before, and not the general “you;” if you are reading this particular blog, then YOU have done this before.

Got it?

See it?

Elvis was so fucked up that he had to empty out all of his pockets to find the one thing he wanted. You’ve done it. You know you’ve done it.

The Team-Up Of The (Last But Also This) Century

“Explain this, uh, explain this to me again, Mr. Presley.”

“TH’ FUTURE NEEDS US, NIX. THEY ALL DONE TURNED SQUIRRELY AND HEROES ARE REQUIRED.”

“Squirrely, you say?”

“LIKE AN ACORN CONVENTION, MAN! HERE’S WHAT WE GONNA DO: YOU GONNA MAKE ME A TIME COP. THEN AH WILL DEPUTIZE YOU AS A FELLOW TIME COP. GOTTA DO IT BY TH’ BOOK.”

“Good thinking.”

“AN’ THEN ME AND YOU GOIN’ TO 2017 AND PUTTIN’ THE WHOLE DAMN YEAR UNNER ARREST.”

“Is there a charge? A particular crime we’re, uh, arresting the year for?”

“CONSORTIN’ WITH COMMUNISTS AN’ SMOKIN’ REEFER.”

“Either one of those things is unacceptable. Jenkins, are you writing this down?”

“Yes, sir. Communism, reefer.”

“THEY MAKIN’ URINE ON EACH OTHER, NIX. DON’T PLAY FOOTBALL RIGHT NO MORE. WORLD DONE GONE MAD.”

“Sounds rough.”

“THERE MAY OR MAY NOT BE ALIENS INVOLVED. PROB’LY. LESS CROSS THAT STARGATE WHEN WE COME TO IT, NIX.”

“Elvis, I have no goddamned idea what you’re talking about.”

“THAT DON’ MATTER. WHAT DOES MATTER IS YOUR BURNIN’ HATRED OF THE COMMUNIST.”

“Oh, I hate them.”

“PREACH, SON.”

“Some people say that the only good Commie is a dead Commie; I disagree. To, uh, to me: the only good Communist is one that had never been created in the first place. The other day I asked my wife, Pat, what she was afraid of. She said, ‘Mr. President, I’m afraid of spiders and Communists.’ So, uh, my distaste of their system is now personal.”

“AH KILLED MANY COMMIES WHEN AH WAS IN THE ARMY.”

“Where were you stationed?”

“GERMANY. ALL OF THE DEATHS WERE ACCIDENTAL-TYPE SITUATIONS. AH WAS TAKIN’ A LOTTA SPEEDY PILLS AN’ BOUGHT MAHSELF ONE O’ THEM LI’L BMW CARS. AH BLAME THE COMMUNISTS.”

“How so?”

“THEY DID’N KNOW THE RIGHT KARATE MOVE TO DEFEND THEYSELVES.”

“Which is?”

“BEIN’ INSIDE WHEN AH DRIVE BY.”

“Ha! Excellent. Um, ElvIs: how do you know they were Communists?”

“WHAT ELSE COULD THEY BE, MAN?”

“Are you all right, son?”

“AH AM ELVIS. AH WOULD LIKE SOME WAWA, THOUGH.”

“Jenkins, bring Elvis some wawa.”

“Wawa, sir?”

“WAWA, DAMN YOU, BOY! BRING ME MAH WAWA! AH GOT A PARCHED THROAT AN’ MAH KARATE WILL DRY OUT.”

“Water! You mean water.”

“AND SCARVES!”

“What?”

“SCARVES, BOY!”

“What kind of scarf? Winter?”

“WINTER!? NIX, I’M ‘BOUT TO LAY A SMACKIN’ ON YOUR BOY HERE.”

“I would approve of that. He’s been slacking lately.”

“A MAN ENTERS YOUR HOME, YOU OFFER HIM SCARVES AND WATER. THIS IS THE COMMON COURTESY PRACTICED BY THE GREEKS CALLED XENIOS.”

“Kind of, sir. Mr. Presley–”

“CALL ME KING. MR. PRESLEY IS MAH CORNCOB-ASSWIPIN’, FIREMAN-HATIN’, TURTLE-EATIN’, SEMI-RABID DIPSTICK OF A DADDY–

“Vernon.”

“–AND AH AM AN INFORMAL MAN. KING WILL DO.”

“Great. King. I’m just going to bring you water, and you’re going to have to settle your own scarf situation.”

“AH DON’ LIKE THAT BOY’S ATTITUDE.”

“Been thinking about replacing him with a tape recorder.”

“THASS A GOOD IDEA, MAN. NOW LESS GO RESCUE TH’ FUTURE FROM ISSELF.”

“I’m still lost.”

He’s Not The President We Deserve, But He’s The One We Need

“LEMME INNERDUCE YOU TO A REAL PRESIDENT.”

“Hello. I’m President Nixon. You see the Redskins game?”

Dammit. Elvis, can I see you over here?

“OVER IN TH’ CORNER?”

Sure.

“HAHA! AH GOT YOU! THERE AIN’T NO CORNER IN THIS HERE OFFICE!”

Right.

“ISS OVAL, BOY.”

Gotcha.

“AIN’T NAMED AFTER EDWARD P. OVAL OR NOTHIN’ LIKE THAT.”

I understand. Please come speak to me in private. Excuse us, Mr President.

“Of course. I will, uh, stand here making my signature noise.”

Ha-roo.

“Ha-roo. Yes, that’s it. I, uh, enjoy making that sound. The, uh, kids enjoy it. So does Pat. It’s an American sort of noise, and I think it is the kind of noise that will bring us to the negotiating table in Saigon.”

Great.

“AH WILL FOLLOW YOU INTO RELATIVE PRIVACY, BUT MUST WARN YOU OF MY ARMAMENTS.”

Jesus, they let you come in here with guns?

“AH WAS REFERRING TO MAH MASTERY OF THE MARTIAL ARTS. OUT OF RESPECT FOR MAH BROTHERS IN LAW ENFORCEMENT IN THE SECRET SERVICE–”

That’s right, you think you’re a cop.

“–AH HAVE DISARMED MAHSELF.”

Good.

“AH DEFINE ‘DISARMED’ AS HAVING FOUR GUNS OR FEWER ON MAH PERSON.”

How many guns do you have on your person?

“FOUR.”

Dammit, Elvis.

“WHAT IF A WHITE HOUSE DOWN SITUATION BROKE OUT? THE HIPPIES ARE LIABLE TO TAKE THE BUILDIN’ AT ANY MOMENT. AH SAW SOME ON THE WAY IN. THEY WAS WOOLY BOOGERS, MAN.”

I don’t know what any of that means.

“WHATCHOO WANT, BOY? AH’M TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT OF THESE HERE UNITED STATES.”

Yeah. How did this happen?

“AH JUST SHOWED UP.”

And they let you in?

“AH AM ELVIS.”

Sure. Listen, what you’re thinking of is very sweet but please don’t do it.

“AH SHALL USE THE POWER OF TH’ TIME CAPE TO BRING Y’ALL A DECENT PRESIDENT. GONNA SHOOT HIM SOME HIPPIES AND VIET CONG, AN’ THEN HE GONNA TELL THE COMMIES TO LICK HIS BALLS. THASS A MAN RIGHT THERE.”

Leave Nixon where and when he is.

“DON’ YOU BE TELLIN’ THE KING WHAT TO DO, BOY! 21ST CENTURY IS FULL O’ SQUIRRELS. Y’ALL NEED THE KING AND Y’ALL NEED A LITTLE NIXON. IN YOUR HEART, YOU KNOW AH’M RIGHT.”

You are not right in my heart or any other place. Do not do this.

“YOU GONNA SIT THERE AN’ TELL ME HE AIN’T BETTER’N THAT GUY YOU GOT COMIN’ IN?”

No. Not saying that at all.

“HEY, NIX. YOU EVER HAVE HOOKERS MAKE THEIR WATER ON YA?”

“Uhhh, no. No, I have never engaged in, uh, such behaviors.”

“THERE YA GO, BOY. AH’M GONNA PACK TH’ PRESIDENT A BAG AN’ TEACH HIM ‘BOUT THE INNERNET.”

I’m begging you not to do this.

“I am prepared to serve my country.”

Oh, shut up.

 

 

He Was A Crook

The younger Enthusiasts should watch this: it’s illuminating, and maybe they didn’t get to Nixon in their history class yet. Richard M. Nixon was the 37th President of the United States, the only one to resign the office. He did so to avoid being impeached; he would have certainly been convicted.

(Now, Bill Clinton was actually impeached by the Senate, but he was not convicted, and it must always be mentioned that the impeachment was over a blowjob. Clinton then lied under oath about the blowjob, yes, but I maintain that you are allowed to lie–even under oath–about blowjobs. The very first lie may have been told about a blowjob. Whether you got blown, by whom you got blown, or who you blew: all of these things may be lied about without me thinking any less of you. Sometimes, you gotta lie about a blowjob.)

The articles of Nixon’s impeachment were a bit rougher than Billy’s: the man was a monster. He deployed the IRS and the Justice Department against his enemies, of which there were legion because if you’re the kind of person that sics the IRS on people, then you’re the type of person that acquires a lot of enemies. That’s a self-perpetuating cycle right there.

Nixon inherited the Vietnam War (in many ways a Democratic war), but took to it with zest; he enjoyed bombing Vietnam so much that he had the countries around it, Cambodia and Laos, bombed as well. We were not at war with these countries, and the bombings were done in secret.

His office was full of thugs, some of them still around but most of them dead now: G. Gordon Liddy will live forever, staring the devil in the eye while holding a lit Bic lighter under his palm; every one of them went to jail, except Nixon of course. (Ford pardoned him.) During the ’72 campaign, Nixon hired a bunch of idiots to break into the Watergate Hotel (which is also an office building and condos and there’s a supermarket in there: “hotel” is misleading) and bug the offices of some DNC officials.

Which sounds like a movie, except it was real life and the President of the United States was ordering break-ins and wiretaps of political rivals’ phones, and plus burglars are usually smart in the movies. They’re Danny Ocean or Katherine Zeta-Jones doing yoga through lasers. These guys, as I said, were idiots and so they got caught.

And of course things go south immediately, at least for Nixon. It turns out that the burglars had been paid with funds directly linkable to the president: the money had come from a pot designated for the president’s reelection. I hope you’re still reading, Younger Enthusiasts, because here’s where it starts to go all sideways and loopy. The money for the break-in came from the Committee to Re-Elect the President. They called it CREEP. The creeping was paid for by CREEP.

Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford figure out what was happening, and the story goes public. Rabble rabble rabble Congress has to do something, and they do, but not before Nixon starts firing everyone, including the Attorney General. He names a new AG, and that AG names a special prosecutor. And when the special prosecutor began special prosecuting, Nixon fired the special prosecutor, too.

And everyone was like, “Well, now what the fuck do we do?”

At this point, it should be noted, there was no direct evidence to link Nixon to the burglars, no memo or whatever, but then during the congressional hearings, a White House assistant named Alexander Butterfield let slip that there was a recording system in the Oval Office. (And Watergate had some great names: Mr. Butterfield, and Archibald Cox, and G. Gordon Liddy, and E. Howard Hunt, and the Sonny and Red West of Nixon’s mafia, Haldeman and Ehrlichman.)

The tapes came out, after the Supreme Court stepped in and ordered them released, and they revealed Nixon engaged in pretty much exactly what he was being accused of: bribes and cover-ups and pay-offs. There was no record of him ordering the initial break-in, but there was also a never-quite-explained gap of 18 minutes in the tapes. Maybe Hillary’s IT staff was archiving it, who knows? Nixon went to his grave denying he gave the order.

And here’s the thing, Younger Enthusiasts: go look up the 1972 presidential election. Y’know what? You don’t have to look it up. Don’t say I never did anything for you. If you don’t want to click, then here’s the important information:

screen-shot-2016-10-16-at-2-59-28-am

If it were a physical beating, McGovern would have had to relearn how to talk and eat. It was a historic curbstomping, and it was not a come-from-behind victory: Nixon was well ahead the entire time. McGovern was running on a guaranteed minimum income, plus “abortion, amnesty (for draft refusers who went to Canada or wherever, which Carter got around to), and acid.” AND he was from South Dafuckingkota so no one had ever heard of him AND the Democratic party had no money AND his first choice for veep had to drop out due to having undergone electro-convulsive therapy for depression. The race was never close, and yet Nixon’s paranoia still doomed him.

Anyway, you know the rest: Nixon resigned in August of ’74 and famously got his hands chopped off by helicopter blades while trying to make victory signs. He retired to Yorba Linda, California, where he refused to give back frisbees the neighborhood children had tossed onto his long.

“It’s Nixon’s now!” he’d croak at the kids, and laugh.

Richard Nixon was a criminal, and not a specialist: petty crime to war crime, he got through them all during his time in the White House, and the shitstain he left on the office and the culture still hasn’t scrubbed out. He was almost entirely motivated by power, and revenge against his enemies, foreign and domestic, real and imagined, and near the end–just for a moment–he was a clear and present danger to our very republic.

And if I dug the lying fuck up and propped him a chair behind the Resolute desk, with patriotic worms hanging from his rotted jowls, he would still be a better president than Donald Trump.

Don’t Say He Didn’t Warn Us

These are the Articles of Impeachment that were drawn up, but never used, for Richard Nixon in 1974. Nixon resigned before they could be applied, which was honestly smart of him: go read the full count. If you were going to trial on those charges and had the option to just quit the game and go home, then you would have, too.

The whole thing’s interesting, but I wanted to point out two sections. This one is from Article I:

4. Interfering or endeavouring to interfere with the conduct of investigations by the Department of Justice of the United States, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the office of Watergate Special Prosecution Force, and Congressional Committees.

And this one is from Article II:

5. In disregard of the rule of law, he knowingly misused the executive power by interfering with agencies of the executive branch, including the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Criminal Division, and the Office of Watergate Special Prosecution Force, of the Department of Justice, and the Central Intelligence Agency, in violation of his duty to take care that the laws be faithfully executed.

Donald Trump promised to do those exact things last night at a debate, in front of cameras. The Republican candidate for president gleefully swore to commit impeachable offenses at a debate.

That was the important thing that happened last night, not the fat guy in the sweater.

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