WHITE HOUSE – MIDNIGHT, CHRISTMAS EVE

“What should I call Jake Tapper, who is such a liar and probably a fruit and tells lies about me and Russia, which doesn’t exist and I didn’t do? I got it, I got it. Let’s go simple. Jake Tapper: Impotent? Many people are saying Floppy Jake can’t get it Up. Great tweet, the best tweet. Now I hit send and I’ll go to sleep the greatest president America has ever seen.

SHWAZOOM!

“What was that? General Kelly? Where’s my general? General? Melania? Donald, Jr.? Mooch? Anyone?”

CLINK CLINK CLINK

“Donald Trump!”

“That’s Mr. President to you.”

“Donald! You know me, Donald! I was once like you! Venal, vain, and vengeful! I lied, cheated, and stole! I was cruel and selfish and evil, and now I wear these chains I forged in life!”

CLINK CLINK

“Who are you? I can’t see you, even though I have probably the best vision of anyone you know. Great, great vision. Step forward so I can see you.”

“It is I, Roy Cohn!”

“Step back!”

“Donald, I don’t–”

“Keep your Ghost AIDS on that side of the room.”

“Jesus, really?”

“President can’t have Ghost AIDS. People look up to me–children, mostly, but also all the adults–and I can’t have Ghost AIDS on teevee. Looks terrible. Ghost AIDS does not make America great again.”

“You’re just as shitty as I remember.”

“Point to all the things in the room you’ve touched.”

“Fuck you, Don.”

“Mr. President.”

“Listen: you’re in for a long night. I was gonna warn you more specifically, but fuck you.”

SHWAZOOM!

“That was fake news. Didn’t happen. Complete fiction and a witch hunt. Okay, sleepy-time. Need to rest up. Big day tomorrow. Fox and Friends is talking about me, which is why their ratings are so high. Trump gets the best ratings. No ghosts, no ghosts.”

OLD-TIMEY MUSIC NOISE

“What is that? This shithole makes so many noises at night. I wish I was back at Trump Tower in my luxurious penthouse apartment on the 213th floor.”

“Trump!”

“Who’s there? Do you have Ghost AIDS, too?”

“No, I…what the hell are Ghost AIDS?”

“Terrible, terrible disease. Possibly invented by Obama, people are saying Obama made Ghost Aids in between basketball games and rap concerts. He made it in his hut.”

“Wow.”

“You look like Abraham Lincoln.”

“I am Abraham Lincoln. I’m the Ghost of Presidents Past.”

“Many, many people have said I’m a better president than you, Abe. I gotta be honest. Lots of people are saying it. Not the media, which is very unfair to me and never reports on how much better than you I am. Civil War. That’s on you, Abe. The entire Trump presidency: no Civil Wars, not at all. That’s winning. Someone’s gotta win and someone’s gotta lose, and Trump’s a winner.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“And I don’t like your hat. Not a great hat. Why didn’t you put a motto on it?”

“Huh?”

“I believe Hillary Clinton had you assassinated. Maybe that’s why she had those 33,000 e-mails deleted, because they had proof of her evil time traveling.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Also, Abe, gotta say: Melania is much better-looking than Mary Todd. Not a looker, Mary Todd.”

“I’m outta here.”

SHWAZOOM!

“Weak president. Only on the five! No one uses fives anymore, a very weak bill. Maybe I should be on the money. Gary? Gary Cohn? Where’s my Money Jew? Gary?”

WHITE HOUSE – RESIDENCE BATHROOM (SPECTRAL PLANE)

“Okay, your turn.”

“Nope. Fuck this.”

“Hillary, get in there.”

“Not a shot, Abe.”

“You’re supposed to be representing what could have been.”

“I offered the world myself, and it chose Darth Diarrhea. Hilly is dunzo.”

“There’s three ghosts. That’s how this bit works.”

“Abe, suck my popular-vote-winning dick.”

“Oh, fine. Ghost of Presidents Future?”

UNHOLY SCREAM OF THE ABYSS

“What do you mean, ‘Fuck him?’ Get in there and show him he can mend his ways!”

TERRIBLE CRY OF THE DAMNED

“It is a cool hat, and I don’t know why everyone is ganging up on me.”

“It’s a stupid hat, Abe.”

“Oh, fuck you, Hillary.”

WHITE HOUSE – CHRISTMAS MORNING

“I’m awake! I’m awake and the greatest president that’s ever lived. Those must have been the worst dreams in the history of Christmas, which I allowed America to celebrate again.”

WINDOW BEING THROWN OPEN NOISE

“You! Little boy! Little boy who is somehow wandering around the White House grounds!”

“It’s me, dad. Donald, Jr.”

“Little boy! Is the Burger King still doing breakfast?”

“I think so.”

“Then go buy me the biggest french toast stick in the store, and if you’re back in a half-hour, I’ll give you a pardon.”

“Yes, sir!”

“Okay, great, wonderful. French toast sticks. And God bless us, but only the Christian God, who is Jesus and the best and only God, everyone. Great, okay, whatever.”