Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: roy moore

Alabam’ Don’t Give A Damn

Another development involving the U.S. Senate race in Alabama.  At least one person in our viewing area received a robocall seeking more damaging information about Roy Moore.  Here is the text of that voicemail message received by Pastor Al Moore in Creola.

“Hi, this is Bernie Bernstein, I’m a reporter for the Washington Post calling to find out if anyone at this address is a female between the ages of 54 to 57 years old willing to make damaging remarks about candidate Roy Moore for a reward of between $5000 and $7000 dollars. We will not be fully investigating these claims however we will make a written report. I can be reached by email at albernstein@washingtonpost.com, thank you.”

Pastor Moore says he’s baffled about who might be behind the message.  He said he sent a response to the email address provided but it came back undeliverable.  We also tried the email address with the same result. – “Curious Robocall Seeks Damaging Information On Moore” 11/14/17 

TELEPHONE RINGING NOISE

“Yello?”

“Hello, there. Hi. How are you? My foot is killing me. This is, ehhhh, Izzy Itskowitz calling from the Daily Forward. Shalom. We are looking for information about that horrible Roy Moore, and we don’t care if it’s true or not. We’ll pay! You know we have the money. Anyway, call us back or don’t. No big whoop.”

“What in tarnation?”

“Early, who was that?”

“Some damn robot. Jewish one.”

“Robots is Jewish now?”

“Guess so.”

“Do they have to get circumcised?”

“Well, I do not know, Jamie-Lynn. I swear you got the sense of a toothbrush up an armadillo’s ass.”

TELEPHONE RINGING NOISE

“If that’s the Jewish robot again, ask him.”

“Hush, woman. Yello?”

Que pasa, gringos! This is Jose Sanchez from Telemundo! Ai ai ai! We are willing to pay mucho dinero for anyone willing to go on the record about this pendejo Roy Moore. We can’t pay as much as El Washington Post, but it’s still pretty good money just to make something up. We’re gonna gut this gabacho pig! Call me back!”

“That didn’t sound right.”

“Robot Jews again, honey?”

“Robot Mexicans this time.”

“Oh, no. They’ll put everybody out of work.”

“Is supper ready?”

“Yeah, if you want your chicken raw.”

“That backtalk’s gonna get you a backhand.”

“You ain’t got the balls, Early.”

TELEPHONE RINGING NOISE

“Just cook supper, okay? Yello?”

“Yo. Dis here be Rufus Green. We be handin’ out fat stacks of cheddar for information ’bout this Roy Moore honky. Ooh, I hates me some honkies and I is gonna strings dem up! You give up dat 411 and we pays you da long green. I works for da Nation of Islam and also I is a rapper and kneel when dey plays dat Star-Spangled Banner. Get at me, dawg!”

“I’m pretty sure that was a white guy doing a voice.”

“More robots?”

“Yup.”

“Well, what do they want?”

“They perpetrating to find dirt on Roy Moore. Say they’ll pay for it.”

“What? You get those ethnic robots back on the phone, Early Watkins! You know the judge grabbed your cousin’s bosom when she was 15.”

“Oh, so did the whole football team. Katie Mae wasn’t no good girl.”

“Don’t be like that, Early.”

TELEPHONE RINGING NOISE

“I’d rather talk to this robot than you. Yello?”

“HeeeelOOOOOOOOOooo! This is Bruce LaCoque calling from HOOOOOLLLLywood and we need your help, you sweaty piece of sausage. We heard that this Roy Moore was tricking with underage girls, and that’s wrong! So wrong to do that with girls. If you’ve got any juicy gossip, then call back, but better do it quick. My husband and I are about to adopt our third Christian child so we can teach them about sodomy. Toodles!”

“Jamie-Lynn?”

“Uh-huh?”

“There’s tomfoolery about.”

“Whatever you say, Early.”

If

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE OFFICE OF SENATOR ULYSSES J. FLYSWATTER

Praise Jesus, my fellow Americans, and also President Trump.

The reports in this mornings Washington Post regarding Senate candidate Billy Most are troubling in the extreme. If the allegations regarding the marching band are true, I would see no way forward with his candidacy. However, I warn against witch hunts. All the facts are not in as of yet, and we live in a country where people are considered innocent until proven guilty.

All accusations of this type must be looked at with the greatest of concentration, and the brave individuals who have come forward to make them should be commended. If it turns out that those skins found tanning in Mr. Most’s basement truly do belong to the woodwind section, then I would have serious reservations about accepting him as a colleague in this august house of law. It should be remembered, though, that DNA analysis of the skins have not come back and will most likely be lost somewhere along the chain of evidence. We may never know exactly what happened here; it might turn out to be a “he said/marching band said” situation.

A suspicious eye must also be turned–in the interest of fairness–to the timing of this story. That band disappeared ten years ago. Why does the Post print these allegations right before the election? Attention must also be paid to the issue of consent. As none of us were in what the lying media is referring to as “the basement of horrors,” none of us know whether or not the trumpet section agreed to be buried alive.

I close with one of my favorite passages from the Bible, which is my favorite book: Let he who has never dismembered, eaten, and worn a marching band cast the first stone. Jesus said that.

God bless America.

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