Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: sammy hagar (page 1 of 3)

An Important Announcement From Dead & Company

Oh, no.

“The Florida shows are back on.”

Bobby, do not invite Sammy Hagar to join the Grateful Dead.

“The show must go on.”

No. It truly doesn’t. Besides, “The show must go on” is propaganda. Vaudeville owners used to tell the acts that to get ’em to work while they were hurt.

“Huh. Is that true?”

Sounds plausible, doesn’t it?

“Sure. Listen, the Deadheads deserve a concert and Sammy’s available. He knows the songs.”

Does he?

“Three Lock Box of Rain.”

No.

“Eyes of the Best of Both Worlds.”

Nuh-uh.

“Well, don’t know what to say. He’s in. We took a vote.”

You took a vote?

“Well, the four of us who get votes did.”

You do realize how bad of a look it is to not allow Oteil a vote, right?

“Who?”

Black Phil.

“Hey, uh, White Phil didn’t get a vote either.”

Bobby, this is not a good idea.

“I think it is. And Sammy’s all in. Right, Sam?”

“WOO!”

“You heard him.”

“WOO!”

“Okay, Sam. I’ll tell him. Uh, Sammy doesn’t like your negativity.”

What? How did you get that from “WOO?”

“I can translate Sammy Hagar into English.”

“WOO!”

“Sure, Sam. I’d love a cup of coffee.”

“WOO!”

“Yes, I still do take it with cream and sugar. How thoughtful of you.”

“WOO!”

“You’re my best friend, too, Sammy Hagar.”

“WOO!”

“Except for Jimi Hendrix. Right, right.”

What the fuck is going on?

“Have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Sammy Hagar is not fucking Groot, Bobby.

“WOO!”

“Calm down, Red Rocker. He didn’t mean anything by it.”

“WOO!”

“You better wrap this post up. I don’t know how much longer I can keep him calm.”

Nothing fucking makes sense around here.

Bespoke

You’re not.

“I am.”

You wouldn’t dare.

“I dared.”

Triple denim?

“Triple. Fucking. Denim. You’re not ready for my street-style. Who can pull off double denim? Few? Triple? Motherfucking triple? Me and Lenny Kravitz. That’s it. This my steez, yo.”

Are we still saying steez?

“I haven’t stopped. Saying steez is my steez.”

I’ll let you talk about your clothes if you stop saying steez.

“Deal. Obviously, all the denim is both raw and selvedge. The particular batch of denim used for my jeans was so raw that several people caught Listeria.”

Sure.

“The denim found in the classic trucker’s jacket is free-range.”

All right.

“And the overshirt is made from a very rare denim: the cotton is grown in Toluca Lake by an agricultural commune started by ex-Price Is Right spokesmodels. They only produce about a dozen trouser-worth of material a year. It’s so soft and smooth. Like satin, but less creepy.”

Satin is totally the creepiest fabric.

“And it’s not even good for fucking! Your knees slip out from under you.”

Excellent point.

“Thank you.”

On the other hand, ever put on a pair of your ladyfriend’s satin undergarments?

“Yes, I have.”

It ain’t the worst feeling.

“It’s like your balls have been tucked in by luxury.”

Yes. Good call.

What were we talking about?

“My clothes.”

Of course.

“The toppermost is named Pond Filled With…the word is hazhi-jookiri. It doesn’t really translate: means ‘fish who refuse to go along with the program.’ It dates back to 1853, where it was being sewn by the legendary Sumo Hibachi.”

Not an actual Japanese name, nope.

“The garment was meant for a powerful shogun, but the shipment was waylaid by foreign devils and captured by Katy Perry’s great-great-great grandfather. It was passed down through the family for over 150 years.”

Katy Perry’s related to Admiral Perry?

“They bear a striking resemblance. Katy presented me with this toppermost on the first anniversary of our lovemaking. She also worked my prostate, so it was just a great evening.”

Uh-huh.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Why can’t you ever be happy for others?”

Don’t wanna.

“You’re on with John.”

“WOO!”

“WOO!”

“WOO!”

“WOO!”

“What the fuck?”

“Johnny, it’s Benjy and Sammy.”

“WOO!”

“Tell Sammy I say hi, Benj.”

“Johnny say hi, Sam.”

“WOO!”

“You oughta come down here, buddy. We are partying like crazy. Andrew W.K. told us we were partying too hard, that’s how hard we’re partying.”

“WOO!”

“You heard Sammy.”

“I’m busy, Benj. Still on tour with Dead & Company. Can’t pop down to Baja right now.”

“Had an idea, buddy. Wonderland.”

“Huh?”

“Wonderland, John. You once told me that my body was one.”

“Not your body, Benj.”

“Whatever. Wonderland, buddy! Like Sammy’s place, Cabo Wabo.  A John Mayer-themed resort, restaurant, bar, convention center, and secret smuggling airfield. Wonderland.”

“I don’t think so. Restaurant’s a lot of work.”

“Nah, they run themselves.”

“They don’t.”

“Can I make a confession?”

“Did you already buy a restaurant?”

“I did. It’s really nice. There’s an office in the back where we can hang out.”

“Dammit, Benjy.”

“You shouldn’t hide in the back all the time, though. Very helpful to come out and schmooze.”

“I’m not a retired prize-fighter, man. Sell the restaurant.”

“We’d take a huge loss. But we do have our insurance all paid up.”

“Burn it down, Benj.”

“Gotcha, chief.”

“Don’t call me chief.”

The First Time Ever I Touched Your Face

Bobby.

“Heya.”

Sammy.

“WOO!”

Bobby, why is there so much touching?

“Sammy’s blind.”

No.

“Oh, yeah. Blind as a Batman.”

That’s not right, either.

“Since birth. Started out as Little Sammy Hagar. Played harmonica.”

You’re talking about Stevie Wonder, Bobby.

“Not enough people talk about Stevie Wonder.”

True. What is this all about?

“Charity thing. Acoustic dealie. Whole bunch of folks coming out for a good cause.”

What cause?

“No idea.”

Sure.

“Sammy called and asked. And, you know, I said ‘Sam, you don’t have to ask,’ and he said, ‘But how would you know about the show if I didn’t ask?’ and I said, “Ah.'”

This is a fascinating story.

“And, uh, he continued, ‘And obviously I’m not gonna tell you to do to the show,’ and I said, ‘Yeah, no, that would be rude,’ and Sammy asked what I had for lunch. ‘What did you have for lunch?’ he said, and I said–”

Bobby, please stop recounting your conversation with Sammy Hagar.

“So, now I’m here.”

Cool. Who else is on the bill?

“Those, uh, longhaired young men from Boo Boo and the Jammers.”

The Foo Fighters.

“All right. The guy who played Chewbacca is on drums.”

Nope. That’s Mick Fleetwood, but wow I totally see the resemblance now.

“Sammy Hagar’s here.”

Yes.

“Who’s the fellow who plays too fast and wears fancy trousers?”

Steve Vai.

“He’s here. The girl with the high voice and the sad dogs.”

Sarah McLachlan.

“They should warn you before that commercial comes on.”

Mood-killer.

“I’ve been, you know, getting frisky with my wife–”

Natasha Monster.

“–and that damned dog dirge comes on and, you know, everyone put your boners away. Oh, and an Eagle is here.”

Joe Walsh?

“Nope.”

I don’t care.

“And Sammy Hagar’s here.”

You’ve said that twice already.

“I’m really happy to see him.”

Okay.

Friday Night They’ll Be Dressed To Kill, Down At Bobby’s Bar And Grill

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“The, uh, boys are back in town.”

Looks like it.

“Sammy’s been yelling ‘woo’ for three hours straight.”

That sounds awful.

“Michael Anthony is doing the high harmony.”

Oh, then that sounds great. When did you start drinking again?

“Right after the election. Same as you.”

Shh.

“Are we not talking about that?”

Shh. You missed a great opportunity.

“How so?”

You’re doing this Mexico thing with Billy and some guys from some jam band, right?

“The Spring Street Marsupials, yeah.”

No.

“They’re lovely young men.”

Sure. But you could have gotten Sammy and Micheal Anthony. Dude. You, Billy, Sammy Hagar, and Michael Anthony jamming in Mexico.

“He knows Loose Lucy.”

And you know Hot For Teacher.

“Most people are unaware that Hot For Teacher is my favorite song of all time.”

It’s a weird choice.

“I chart my own course.”

You do, Bob.

Supergroup

phil bobby sammy hagar

“Guys, your little weirdo is talking about my band.”

“Montrose?”

“Chickenfoot?”

“No, no. Van Halen.”

“You were in Van Halen?”

“Are you Gary Cherone?”

“It’s exhausting hanging out with the Grateful Dead, man.”

“Yeah, sure. Why you think the weirdo is talking about Van Halen?”

Mexican, Restaurant

babby-sammy-mexcio-shirt

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Sammy time!”

You two have fun together.

“You bet. Hagar’s good people. He thinks I should open up more restaurants.”

More Sweetwaters?

“Nah. Wants to call them Bobbo Wabo.”

I dunno about that one.

“Yeah, I passed. Sam’s the business guy. I bought Sweetwater because it’s got a bar and a stage and it’s ten minutes from my house.”

Sure.

“There might be nothing I’d less rather do than actively own a restaurant. Dunno how Phil copes with it.”

He’s got the busboys to help him.

“Ah. Sure. Thought there was gonna be more about the busboys. Kinda got dropped as a storyline.”

Well, John and Katy are doing such interesting things.

“Yeah, that’s a whole other thing they got going on, Vegas and Elvis and all that.”

You want any part of it?

“Fuck, no.”

Just checking.

Oh, Why Not?

john mayer sammy

You all think I’m kidding, and that the Red Rocker’s appearance at the Fillmore show was a one-off deal; I’m not, and it wasn’t.

Sammy Hagar is now a Grateful Dead.

Best Of Both Drinks

SAMMY HAGAR

Hey, Sammy Hagar. Whatcha doing?

“Getting the party started! WOO!”

Good for you.

“I invented double drinking. I saw Eddie do that two-handed tapping thing, and I figured I could translate that to drinking tequila.”

You chose a beverage and you’re sticking with it.

“And I’m trying to catch up to Billy.”

Oh, no. Do not try to catch up to Billy. People have died.

“Yeah, that’s people, man. I’m the Red Rocker.”

I saw your shirt.

“I gotta get some new ones made up. The Dead Rocker. Sell ’em in my restaurants.”

How many of those do you have?

“Six? Seven? I don’t know, man: I got whatcha call an empire.”

You’re like the dirtbag Jimmy Buffett.

“I’m gonna take that as a compliment.”

It was meant as one.

“Besides…we talking privately here?”

Pretty much.

“I’m using this association to launch a new business. Sammy Hagar is–”

You’re gonna sell pot.

“–getting into the cannabis game. How’d you know?”

It’s 2016. Everyone’s getting into pot. Bubble’s already growing.

“Tell me about it. I gotta move fast.”

Then it’s good you joined the Dead; they’ve always been known for quick decisions and decisive actions.

“It ain’t my old band.”

Less crystal myth.

“Thank fuck for that, man.”

Red, Dead Rocker

bobby sammy hagar jay lane

As you may know, Sammy Hagar is now in the Grateful Dead. Will he be replaced by Gary Cherone in a few years? Perhaps. Will Summer Tour feature a rousing half-hour version of Bertha>Best of Both Worlds? Almost certainly. How does Michael Anthony fit into all of this? Somehow.

TotD is behind this addition: Sammy is–as pictured–already good at free t-shirt wearin’, and he lives close to Bobby so they can carpool. Plus, people forget that Sammy is a pretty good guitarist, so maybe he could strap on his axe and the Dead could really let that triple-guitar attack fly.

Can’t Keep A Good Benjy Down

IMG_4422

Benjy’s in the house, Sammy’s in the band, and my Instagram is nothing but Dead bullshit. Also, Australian fitness models, but that’s only because I can’t figure out how to unfollow them.

Also: just to show there were no hard feelings, Billy murdered Benjy after the show. Used a bow and arrow.

Older posts
%d bloggers like this: