Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: sammy hagar (page 1 of 3)

The First Time Ever I Touched Your Face





Bobby, why is there so much touching?

“Sammy’s blind.”


“Oh, yeah. Blind as a Batman.”

That’s not right, either.

“Since birth. Started out as Little Sammy Hagar. Played harmonica.”

You’re talking about Stevie Wonder, Bobby.

“Not enough people talk about Stevie Wonder.”

True. What is this all about?

“Charity thing. Acoustic dealie. Whole bunch of folks coming out for a good cause.”

What cause?

“No idea.”


“Sammy called and asked. And, you know, I said ‘Sam, you don’t have to ask,’ and he said, ‘But how would you know about the show if I didn’t ask?’ and I said, “Ah.'”

This is a fascinating story.

“And, uh, he continued, ‘And obviously I’m not gonna tell you to do to the show,’ and I said, ‘Yeah, no, that would be rude,’ and Sammy asked what I had for lunch. ‘What did you have for lunch?’ he said, and I said–”

Bobby, please stop recounting your conversation with Sammy Hagar.

“So, now I’m here.”

Cool. Who else is on the bill?

“Those, uh, longhaired young men from Boo Boo and the Jammers.”

The Foo Fighters.

“All right. The guy who played Chewbacca is on drums.”

Nope. That’s Mick Fleetwood, but wow I totally see the resemblance now.

“Sammy Hagar’s here.”


“Who’s the fellow who plays too fast and wears fancy trousers?”

Steve Vai.

“He’s here. The girl with the high voice and the sad dogs.”

Sarah McLachlan.

“They should warn you before that commercial comes on.”


“I’ve been, you know, getting frisky with my wife–”

Natasha Monster.

“–and that damned dog dirge comes on and, you know, everyone put your boners away. Oh, and an Eagle is here.”

Joe Walsh?


I don’t care.

“And Sammy Hagar’s here.”

You’ve said that twice already.

“I’m really happy to see him.”


Friday Night They’ll Be Dressed To Kill, Down At Bobby’s Bar And Grill

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“The, uh, boys are back in town.”

Looks like it.

“Sammy’s been yelling ‘woo’ for three hours straight.”

That sounds awful.

“Michael Anthony is doing the high harmony.”

Oh, then that sounds great. When did you start drinking again?

“Right after the election. Same as you.”


“Are we not talking about that?”

Shh. You missed a great opportunity.

“How so?”

You’re doing this Mexico thing with Billy and some guys from some jam band, right?

“The Spring Street Marsupials, yeah.”


“They’re lovely young men.”

Sure. But you could have gotten Sammy and Micheal Anthony. Dude. You, Billy, Sammy Hagar, and Michael Anthony jamming in Mexico.

“He knows Loose Lucy.”

And you know Hot For Teacher.

“Most people are unaware that Hot For Teacher is my favorite song of all time.”

It’s a weird choice.

“I chart my own course.”

You do, Bob.


phil bobby sammy hagar

“Guys, your little weirdo is talking about my band.”



“No, no. Van Halen.”

“You were in Van Halen?”

“Are you Gary Cherone?”

“It’s exhausting hanging out with the Grateful Dead, man.”

“Yeah, sure. Why you think the weirdo is talking about Van Halen?”

Mexican, Restaurant


Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Sammy time!”

You two have fun together.

“You bet. Hagar’s good people. He thinks I should open up more restaurants.”

More Sweetwaters?

“Nah. Wants to call them Bobbo Wabo.”

I dunno about that one.

“Yeah, I passed. Sam’s the business guy. I bought Sweetwater because it’s got a bar and a stage and it’s ten minutes from my house.”


“There might be nothing I’d less rather do than actively own a restaurant. Dunno how Phil copes with it.”

He’s got the busboys to help him.

“Ah. Sure. Thought there was gonna be more about the busboys. Kinda got dropped as a storyline.”

Well, John and Katy are doing such interesting things.

“Yeah, that’s a whole other thing they got going on, Vegas and Elvis and all that.”

You want any part of it?

“Fuck, no.”

Just checking.

Oh, Why Not?

john mayer sammy

You all think I’m kidding, and that the Red Rocker’s appearance at the Fillmore show was a one-off deal; I’m not, and it wasn’t.

Sammy Hagar is now a Grateful Dead.

Best Of Both Drinks


Hey, Sammy Hagar. Whatcha doing?

“Getting the party started! WOO!”

Good for you.

“I invented double drinking. I saw Eddie do that two-handed tapping thing, and I figured I could translate that to drinking tequila.”

You chose a beverage and you’re sticking with it.

“And I’m trying to catch up to Billy.”

Oh, no. Do not try to catch up to Billy. People have died.

“Yeah, that’s people, man. I’m the Red Rocker.”

I saw your shirt.

“I gotta get some new ones made up. The Dead Rocker. Sell ’em in my restaurants.”

How many of those do you have?

“Six? Seven? I don’t know, man: I got whatcha call an empire.”

You’re like the dirtbag Jimmy Buffett.

“I’m gonna take that as a compliment.”

It was meant as one.

“Besides…we talking privately here?”

Pretty much.

“I’m using this association to launch a new business. Sammy Hagar is–”

You’re gonna sell pot.

“–getting into the cannabis game. How’d you know?”

It’s 2016. Everyone’s getting into pot. Bubble’s already growing.

“Tell me about it. I gotta move fast.”

Then it’s good you joined the Dead; they’ve always been known for quick decisions and decisive actions.

“It ain’t my old band.”

Less crystal myth.

“Thank fuck for that, man.”

Red, Dead Rocker

bobby sammy hagar jay lane

As you may know, Sammy Hagar is now in the Grateful Dead. Will he be replaced by Gary Cherone in a few years? Perhaps. Will Summer Tour feature a rousing half-hour version of Bertha>Best of Both Worlds? Almost certainly. How does Michael Anthony fit into all of this? Somehow.

TotD is behind this addition: Sammy is–as pictured–already good at free t-shirt wearin’, and he lives close to Bobby so they can carpool. Plus, people forget that Sammy is a pretty good guitarist, so maybe he could strap on his axe and the Dead could really let that triple-guitar attack fly.

Can’t Keep A Good Benjy Down


Benjy’s in the house, Sammy’s in the band, and my Instagram is nothing but Dead bullshit. Also, Australian fitness models, but that’s only because I can’t figure out how to unfollow them.

Also: just to show there were no hard feelings, Billy murdered Benjy after the show. Used a bow and arrow.

Sammy Hagar Is Now A Grateful Dead

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 12.12.32 AM
React in any way you wish; it is a fact.

Also: listen to Bostrowsky, Shakedown420. He is wise.

Three Men And A Bambino

sammy hagar mickey john mayer ferrari

Young John Mayer has a nifty little car collection; it’s precisely the lineup you’d expect him to own. There’s a Ford GT with the proper racing livery, and the old Land Rover. A few Mercedes and a Porsche with tacky wheels. He’s even got a Ferrari, though it’s the 599, which is the single most boring car Ferrari ever made: the only thing exciting about them is that they occasionally burst into flames for no reason.

But even international pop icon and Instagram champion John Mayer is not allowed to own a Ferrari LaFerrari. They only made 499 of them and you weren’t even allowed to apply for one unless you already owned five Ferraris. And, you know: not used. Full-boat retail, which starts at $1.4 million before the options.

(I was thinking: what kind of options could there possibly be? You can’t really jam anything else into the cockpit of the car. Then I looked, and all I’ll say is: diamond wheels. The wheels’ finish has diamonds in it to make it shine. That’s fifty grand, which is peanuts compared to carbon fibering up the sucker. Guess how much the front end is. Just doing the front end.

$333 grand. I know, right? Now: people are allowed to whatever the hell they want with their money. On the other hand: in any just world, the 498* people who bought these middle-fingers-to-the-middle-class would be lined against a wall and shot.)

Sammy, who has an exceedingly cool garage with old El Caminos and Mustangs (that’s one of them on the right; I think it’s a ’67 fastback) and Lambos (that’s a Miura on the left), but the man loves him some Ferrari: he’s got a ’72 Daytona, and a 330 GT 2+2 from the Sixties, and a 400i, which is a weirdo four-seater sedan with an automatic transmission he bought when he had his kids. (Sammy is practical.)

The LaFerrari (yes, yes: the name is self-referential) is the Italian supercar company’s first attempt at a hybrid engine: it’s got one of those thingamajigs that captures energy when you brake, but despite the Prius-like features, it still does 217 mph. (According to Ferrari, and you cannot test it on your own, as there’s no place to go that fast except the Bonneville Salt Flats, and no one takes a LaFerrari to salt flats.)

It’s a technological marvel. of course, but plug-ugly from the front: it looks like a hammerhead shark whose mother drank during the pregnancy. It’s better from the side:

Image result for laferrari

It cuts a belle epoche.

If it’s your thing, it’s your thing. TotD is a traditionalist, as always, and prefers American muscle, as usual; in fact, Sammy Hagar already owned a perfect car, one that I feel tops the Ferrari’s elegant, but cold futurism any day:

sammy hagar trans am

(Fun fact: when Bobby would come over to hang out, Sammy had to hide those shorts.)

That’s a 1979 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am (on the ’78, the license plate was in the middle of the brake lights, but on the ’79, the brakes are one solid, grated strip across the whole back-end; it is much better). Usually, they look like this from the front and without Red Rockers lounging on top of them.

[PDF] 1979 Pontiac Trans Am 455

Does the LaFerrari have any chicken on it, let alone a magical and golden one? Plus, what if you buy a LaFerrari and there is a beer shortage in Atlanta, and you are in Texarkana with a shipment of Coors and you need to run interference for the truck? You’re fucked. The job is undoable in a LaFerrari.

It doesn’t end there, though: the car above is the human version. That’s the one normal people got. Sammy had this:

[PDF] Sammy Hagar's Famous 1979

I’ll take this American beauty over the Ferrari any day.

*Sammy gets a pass. I like him. When the Revolution comes, I will shelter him like Anne Frank.

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