Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: sean spicer (page 1 of 2)

Maggie Haberman’s Number Must Be Written On The White House Bathroom Wall Or Something


“Motherfucker. Motherfuckers motherfucking fucking mothers in Motherfucker City. Three a.m. Every motherfucking night with these motherfuckers. What!?”

“Hey, Maggie. It’s Sean Spicer.”

“Sean? Why are you calling? You quit or got fired or whatever a month ago.”

“You’re right, but today’s my last day.”

“Does anything work normally in that building anymore?”

“If I told you, you’d never sleep again.”

“I don’t sleep now because all of you wretches, fumblers, and drunkards calling me all goddamned night. Have you been going in to work this whole time?”

“Going in? I haven’t left my office in a month. I got my mini-fridge, and I stole an oven from one of the messes. Couple brewskis, make myself some nachos. Got my brother’s Netflix password. It’s Spice World in here.”


“Living the life!”

“Why haven’t you been going home?”

“My family looks at me with shame in their eyes.”


“This is better, honestly. It’s like I live in the White House. You ever read From the Mixed-Up Files of Basil E. Frankweiler? It’s like that. Ooh, or Eloise.”

“You’re not Eloise, Sean. You’re a 45-year-old ginger who’s living in his office.”

“And working. Still working to spread the President’s message and policies.”


“Maggie, just because I was publicly humiliated to the point where everyone started to feel bad for me doesn’t mean I’m not a terrible, terrible person.”


“MAGA, Maggie.”


“Take just today, for example. I advised Jared Kushner that the President should blame antifa for the hurricane.”

“Yup, that’s terrible. Wait. Jared Kushner is your buddy now?”

“We are super-tight. Guy loves me. Keeps asking for my autograph.”


“Says he loves my signature. Goes on and on about how great it is. Makes me sign it on all different sorts of paper.”

“You probably want to stop doing that, Sean.”

“He tells me all about the rabbits, Maggie.”

“It’s a real circular firing squad over there, isn’t it?”

“Things are tense. Sometimes, the President just howls. Like a betrayed wolf. Sound goes right through your soul. Maggie, can I be honest with you?”

“First time for everything.”

“I think…and, gosh, this is so tough to say…I think he could be doing a little better.”


“Don’t get me wrong! 95% of the President’s problems are caused by the lying media. Or Obama holdovers. Or Jeff Flake. Or the weather. Or the Deep State.”

“So: anyone but him?”

“Basically. Do you know that Obama not only pardoned Charles Manson, but sent Air Force One to pick him up from jail?”

“None of that is true.”

“It is. One of the President’s sons told me.”

“Which one?”

“The ugly one.”

“You’ll have to be more specific, Sean.”

“Hey, you in Washington?”


“You wanna come over? I’ll give you a special tour.”

“I’ve seen the White House, Sean.”

“But have you seen the ceiling of my office?”

“Annnnnnd there it is. Good night.”

“Don’t tell the Pope I said that.”


Forgive Me, Father, For I Have Spinned

“I-a know you. You-a da fibber.”

“I have many sins to confess, Your Holiness.”

“Si, si. You was-a bearin’ da false witness.”

“Yes, Your Holiness. I come seeking forgiveness.”

“I-a don’t know. You did-a some nutty goofball-a stuff. What’s-a da Holocaust Center?”

“I was nervous, Your Holiness. It turns out I’m not very good under pressure.”

“Mm. I-a don’t know.”

“Oh, please, Your Holiness. I can’t live with my sins.”


“Oh, for da love-a God. Get off-a da floor, Spicey.”

“Please don’t call me that.”

“She was-a funny doing you on-a da teevee. What’s-a her name? Da big-a girl?”

“Melissa McCarthy.”

“She should-a do another film with-a da Sandy Bullock. Those-a two had chemistry.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I was-a sad when-a you quit. I wanted to see what-a she gonna do with-a da podium next.”

“It was a fan favorite sketch, Your Holiness. Actually caused me quite a bit of trouble at work.”

“Si, si. The devil, he have-a da thin skin. Usually, he also have-a da red skin, but now it’s-a orange. You know who got-a da great sense of humor about-a himself?”


“Jesus. All-a da time, da Apostles-a roast him. Give-a him da zingers. Personal stuff-a. About-a da beard, everything.”

“And Christ just took the jokes?”

“He took-a da cross, he could take-a da joke. Except about-a his dad not being around. That’s-a da no-go spot.”

“Sensitive topic.”

“Thaddeus said-a something one time, and-a Jesus? He-a Force-chokes him.”

“Jesus Force-choked a disciple, Your Holiness?”

“Si, si. Like-a da Darth Vader.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“It’s-a not in-a da canon. Deep in-a da apocrypha.”

“Ah. What were we talking about?”

“All-a da sins you committed.”

“Right. Your Holiness, please release me from–”

“All right, all right. Dominus Vobiscum, bippit-a boppit-a boo. You’re-a forgiven.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you!”


“Hey, hands off-a da merchandise.”

“Thank you, Your Holiness.”

“It’s-a what I do.”

Possible Jobs For Sean Spicer

  • Boy Scout leader whose entire troop gets eaten by a bear his first day.
  • Crash test dummy.
  • Crash Test Dummy. (Sean Spicer plays bass, and he would fit in with the Canadian group quite well.)
  • Lyft Shuttle spokesperson. (“Lyft Shuttle: Just like a bus, but without all the ‘bus people’ if you know who we’re talking about.”)
  • Human urinal.
  • Contestant on reality show that pulls some bullshit that gets the whole production shut down.
  • Fire fighter who, while driving to the fire, runs over three or four children.
  • Local wrestling promoter.
  • Squirrel poisoner.
  • Maybe Sean could dissemble in the public sector?
  • Maitre d’ at Terrapin Crossroads. (“Phil? Phil who? Never heard of him.”)
  • Speed bump.
  • Hey, there’s always the Easter Bunny gig to fall back on.

The Worst Witch Hunt In The History Of America


“Good morrow to thou all, except for Chastity Haberman. Fuck you, Chastity.”

“Very nice, Brother Spicer.”

“I have a prepared statement that I have been forced to read before I take your questions.


“No witchcraft. No witchcraft. Pastor Comey, who speaks with a forked tongue, told me that I wasn’t a witch on three occasions while we were plowing. I plow the straightest lines you’ve ever seen, the best plowing.

“Why is Myles Standish not being investigated for his collusion with Radical Wampanoag Terrorists? How has Reverend Dimsdale not been placed in the stocks?

“No witchcraft.”


“Before I take questions, let us pray to our ridiculously angry God.”

“Amen. Brother Tapper?”

“Brother Spicer, Elder Trump has stated that he is not a witch.”

“No, sir. Not ‘stated.’ He has pointed out the fact.”

“Even though there’s a lot of smoke.”

“Such as?”

“Well, the actual smoke for one thing. It’s purple and it dances in an unholy fashion. Follows him around everywhere.”

“Localized weather anomaly. Brother Thrush?”

“What about the broom?”

“Which broom?”

“The one he uses to fly.”

“Elder Trump is a clean freak. Loves to keep tidy. Sister Ryan?”

“If Elder Trump isn’t a witch, then why is his skin that color?”



“Bad sushi.”

“It’s 1691, Brother Spicer. No sushi.”

“No witchcraft, either. Brother Acosta?”

“Brother Spicer, don’t you see anything suspicious in Elder Trump’s behavior?”

“Absolutely not. Very un-witchy. Non-witcherous.”

“Uh-huh. What about ending Pastor Comey’s investigation into him?”

“Elder Trump was within his legal authority to do end the investigation.”

“By turning Pastor Comey into a frog?”

“Thy press covfefe is over!”

A Moment With Sean Spicer

Please come out from the bush, Sean.


C’mon, buddy.

“Are you a reporter?”


“Are you going to be mean to me?”

Probably, but you deserve it.

“Not coming out. Can you bring me some gum?”

Absolutely not.

“I don’t think the president likes me.”

He doesn’t “like” anyone. You were useful to him, and now you’re not.

“Ooh, there’s a squirrel in here.”

“Sean, the New York Times is reporting that James Comey asked for more money for the Russia investigation right before he was fired. Any comment on that, and do you have any nuts?”

“I’m coming out of the bush.”

Fuck you, Sean. Answer the squirrel’s question.

“The squirrel is fake news.”

“Don’t call me fake news, you Baby Huey-looking motherfucker!”


“Oh, Lord!”

Cover your eyes, Sean!

“Help me, White Jesus!”

“There is no White Jesus, only squirrel!”

I’m gonna get going.


Okay, then.

The Spice Trade


Today while discussing President Trump’s heroic actions in Syria, I made an error in speaking. In trying to demonstrate how evil Assad is, I made a poor comparison that I apologize for. What I meant to say was that Hitler didn’t use chemical weapons in battle, which is much worse.


In my earlier apology, I stated that using chemical weapons in battle was worse than what Hitler did. I was incorrect in that statement, and I would like to retract it fully. The point that I was making was that, unlike Assad, Hitler didn’t kill his own people.


In the time since my last statement, it has been brought to my attention that Jews were German citizens. Wow. No idea. My bad. Huge sorry. My heart goes out to the four million who died in the Shoah Villages.


I am now being informed that six million Jews died, and they were brought to places called concentration camps. Camp? Camp sounds nice. Is there water-skiing?


Sean has come down with the stomach flu and will be going home for the day. The lid is on.

Transcript Of Sean Spicer’s Press Conference 4/10/17

“Good morning. Glad to see all of you except Maggie Haberman. Kiss my ass, Maggie. Florida was fun, but now it’s back to work. Before I take any questions, I have a statement that has been prepared for me.


“Donald Trump is a war president. Obama did not act because he was weak and Muslim, but I went in there. Biggest explosions you’ve ever seen, just massive. Great stuff, just like Patton. Real presidents take action to help babies. Obama hated babies, but I will protect all the beautiful babies.

“Chinese guy and me got along great. Just the best, wonderful guy, said many nice things to me. Maybe I should get him to help me build the wall? Chines build great walls, but Donald Trump will build the best wall of all time. Great guy, Xi. Bad name, good guy. My little granddaughter came and sang for him. Chinese song, the one about putting pee-pee in your Coke. He loved it. My granddaughter is now the Secretary of Agriculture.

“And now we have the best judge for the court, the big one, he’s gonna make the most wonderful decisions. You’re gonna love his decisions. Neil Gorsuch. Also not a great name, but great judge. Very, very, very smart man. Almost as smart as me for choosing him. I made a good decision, and now he’s gonna make great ones. Appointing justices is easy. Why couldn’t Obama do it? Weak guy.


“Okay, let’s take some questions. Wait, before we start: the room’s overbooked and I’m going to need one of the reporters to give up their seat. Ed?”


“I’m going to have to re-accommodate you.”

“That’s not a word.”

“Irregardless, you’re going to have to go. We are offering a voucher for $50 at Panera Bread.”

“Sean, this is my job. I have deadlines.”

“And so does the gentleman from WorldNetDaily who needs your seat. Fine, I’ll throw in some Trump steaks.”

“No, thank you.”

“Set of all-weather Trump tires?”

“I’m good.”

“You’re not. Goons!”


“Okay, let’s move on. Kristin?”

“Sean, why is it okay to bomb Syria, but not help the refugees?”

“I reject your binary, Kristin. Bombing the refugees is helping them. It’s called tough love.”

“Second question: What is the Trump Doctrine?”

“The Trump Doctrine?”

“Yes. The overarching ethos behind the president’s foreign policy.”

“Don’t gas babies.”

“Anything else?”

“Well, obviously, Kristin. But if you gas a baby, we’re going to blow you up. Major?”

“Were the Russians informed before the strike?”

“Let me amend my previous statement: if you gas a baby, we’re going to call you and warn you first, and then blow you up.”

“Was Congress informed?’

“I’m sure they’ve heard by now.

“So, Congress wasn’t informed of the missile strikes?”

“Well, we weren’t launching the missiles at them, were we?”

“Right. During the campaign, the president said often that you shouldn’t give away your plans beforehand, and that President Obama had made an error in alerting Mosul that an attack was forthcoming.”

“Did he say that?”

“And now the targets of the American strike were called before the missiles came.”

“Of course. Of course we alerted Russia and Syria before the strikes. They are our allies.”

“What now?”


“Do allies often shoot Tomahawk missiles at one another?”

“It’s a whole new world. John?”

“Sean, today, our Ambassador to the United Nations said that Assad must be removed from power, while Secretary of State Tillerson said that the Syrian people could decide his fate. The president, meanwhile, has not said anything. What is the official policy?”

“Don’t gas babies.”

“Has there really been no progress past that?”

“I think it’s a pretty important point, John. If you gas babies and the president sees the pictures, you’re gonna get it. As to Assad, there are many options on the table. Maybe we’ll assassinate him?”


“Whisper whisper whisper.”

“That’s illegal? I had no idea. How illegal?”

“Whisper whisper whisper.”



“I retract my previous statement. Kelly?”

“Sean, can you comment on the rift between Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner? Reports have them at war.”

“Well, neither of them better gas any babies.”

“Not that kind of war, Sean.”

“We don’t comment on personal stories, Kelly, and this is fake news. These are unsourced reports that may as well have been made up out of whole cloth. Jared and Steve are great friends and have an excellent working relationship.



“Sean, what was that?”

“What was what?”

“You didn’t hear Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner yelling at each other?”

“I did not. You did? Wow. Maybe you’re going crazy.”

“I heard them, too, Sean.”

“Okay, both of you are being re-accommodated. Goons!”


“Great. Any other questions? No? See you tomorrow, then.”

Transcript Of Sean Spicer’s Press Conference 3/28/17

“Good morning, everyone except John Rogers. This is the 68th day of Year Zero in America. I will begin by reading a statement that someone else prepared, and I’m not revealing who.


“The Democrats are terrible, just terrible. They hate America! All they do is obstruct, but not build America. How many high-quality skating rinks has Chuck Schumer built? Where are Nancy Pelosi’s golf courses? Horrible face on Pelosi.

“For too long, regulations have killed jobs. Obama, who is in the next room with a glass up against the wall, wanted the country to be as lazy as he was, with all his vacations and basketball. I have seen videotape of Obama personally firing many coal miners. Many places have reported that he got a sexual charge from it. Real sick guy. Hillary liked to kill Marines, but Obama liked killing jobs.

“Today, the Greatest President Ever will sign a really, really, very great order slicing through all the red tape. Already, West Virginia has added 400,000 new jobs. It happened this morning, wonderful news.


“Before we start, I want to say something. Our relationship, the one between the press and the White House, has gotten a bit contentious. Maybe we should both bring it back down, and see if we can start over. Maybe we can both work on bringing a little civility back to Washington.”

“Sean, I have a question.”

“FUCK YOU, CAROL! Right in your fat asshole, Carol.”

“Inappropriate, Sean.”

“What’s inappropriate is your lies about Russia.”

“I didn’t mention Russia.”

“You just said it.”

“Only because you did first.”

“Carol, I won’t play the blame game with you. There is no Russia.”

“Fine. The Washington Post is reporting that the White House tried to block former Deputy AG Sally Yates from meeting with the House Intelligence Committee. Any comment?”

“See, this is the agenda. These are the lies that you tell. 100% false, Carol. The White House encouraged Miss Yates to meet with the committee. We were all looking forward to her testimony.”


“I offered to give her a ride.”

“Okay, then why did the Department of Justice send her a letter saying that she couldn’t?”

“I have looked into that, and it turns out that the entire letter was a typo.”

“A typo?”

“Darn auto-correct. What the DoJ meant to say was ‘We’re all behind you, yay.’ But, you know, your finger slips and accidentally invokes Executive Privilege that doesn’t exist. Happens to everybody. We are all anticipating Miss Yates’ testimony.”

“The hearing was canceled.”

“Oh, noooo. How awful. That’s sad. Eamon?”

“Does the president still believe climate change is a hoax?”

“We’re focused on jobs. Amanda?”

“Why does the president keep tweeting about Hillary Clinton?”

“Jobs. Brian?”

“The president’s lawyers are claiming that he is immune from several sexual-harassment lawsuits. What’s your comment on that?”



“And it’s not Russia. April?”

“I have a question about Russia.”

“Wow! What is it with you people and Russia?”

“You people?”

“Oh, I didn’t mean black, April. I meant the press. All you people in the press telling lies, and obsessing about Russia, and eating fried chicken.”

“What now?”

“The press, April! Everything’s not about race. I’m talking about the press, always pushing agendas and rapping.”

“I’m just gonna ask my question.”

“The Trump Administration loves the blacks.”

“Please just let me ask my question. Congressman Nunes received classified information in the secure room here at the White House. Who was in the room with him?”

“Congressman Nunes has never been to the White House. We are not coordinating with Congressman Nunes. There is no Congressman Nunes.”


“There is no Congressman Nunes. Your eyes are getting heavy. You are getting sleeeeeeepy.”

“Are you trying to hypnotize me?”

“Is it working?”


“Then, no. April, Congressman Nunes has never been to the White House.”

“He’s right behind you.”

“I’m not falling for that old…Jesus, Devin.”

“Hi, Sean. I ate all the almonds in your office, so I came out to look for more and I saw cameras.”

“Go back inside, Devin.”

“Wow, look at all these cameras. Hi, everyone. I’m Congressman Devin Nunes, and I don’t know anything about Russia. If you have any questions, I’ll be happy to incriminate myself now.”


“Jesus, rude.”

“Sean, would you like to explain that?”

“Explain what?”

“The Congressman’s appearance and statements.”

“What Congressman?”

“Sean, don’t.”

“Maybe time for new glasses, April. Congressmen, Russia: you keep seeing things that aren’t actually there.”

“It is your assertion that Devin Nunes was not just standing next to you?”

“It is.”

“Then why did the president just tweet out, and I quote, ‘Devin Nunes looking strong and confident next to Sweaty Sean. Maybe he should be my press secratary!'”

“Did he really?”

“Yeah. Wait. He has now deleted it and reposted the same tweet, but with ‘secretary’ spelled right.”

“That’s his process. Any more questions?”

“So many.”

“Great. That’s a wrap, folks.”

Transcript Of Sean Spicer’s Press Briefing 3/16/17

“Everyone sit down. Can everyone sit down so we can start the briefing?”

“Sean, where are the chairs?”

“Funding for reporters’ chairs has been cut out of the new budget.”

“The budget’s just a proposal, Sean.”

“President Trump is so sure of its success, that we wanted to get a head start on it. Sit on the ground, Jon.”

“I’m not sitting on the ground.”

“Phil from the Daily Stormer is sitting on the ground.”

“Good for Phil.”

“Jon, can I start? Can I start the briefing? You have all told so many lies that I have to straighten out. I’m going to read a prepared statement, and then I will allow you to start asking questions that I will interrupt.


“There’s no Russia. No Russia. The New York Times, which should be called the failing, lying New York Times because all it does is fail and lie, said on January 12th that Obama had wiretapped the glamorous and valuable Trump Tower, which is the world’s tallest building.

“On January 23rd, Michael Savage broke the news that Obama, who is the devil, was hiding in a Trump Tower closet listening to my phone calls. Sean Hannity backs up this claim, which is not a claim. Fact. Real fact, not a fake fact. On February 11th, Russia Today ran a story revealing that Obama was a telepath and was reading my mind. Like the bald guy in the wheelchair.

“All of these facts have been reported by reputable sources, and all the corrupt media does is push a fake narrative because they are the enemies of the American people and should be followed to their homes and murdered in front of their families.


“Any questions? Aaron?”


“Aaron, that’s ridiculous. It’s not about Russia.”

“You cut me off.”

“That’s because it’s not about Russia.”

“I wasn’t going to ask about Russia.”

“There’s nothing to ask about.”

“Sean, the co-chairs of the House Intelligence Committee were briefed by the FBI and afterwards said, and I quote, that ‘there was no evidence to support the claim that President Obama was behind any wiretapping.”

“Who you gonna believe, the FBI or Sean Hannity?”


“The thing about their statement is that, of course, you’re cherry picking and emphasizing parts to fit your narrative. They said they had seen no evidence, right?”


“Well, I don’t see any elephants in this room; they must not exist.”

“That’s absurd.”

“The fact remains: no one can prove Obama wasn’t wiretapping Trump Tower.”

“That’s because you can’t prove a negative.”

“Excatly! Next question? Katie?”

“Sean, in the statement you read that the president clearly wrote–”

“The president did not write that statement.”

“It sounded like him.”

“We should all try to sound more like President Trump. That’s the best way to sound.”




“Masculine and brave.”

“I’m just gonna bull ahead. Sean, the statement referred to the New York Times as both a source, and as fake news. Which is it?”

“The New York Times exists in a superpositional state until the president reads it and decided whether or not it is a lie. It’s like Schrödinger’s newspaper.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Quantum physics rarely does.”

“Getting back to my question: in the Times article, they make no mention of wiretapping.”

“Neither did the president.”


“The president did not accuse the former president of wiretapping him. He accused him of ‘wiretapping’ him. Means something entirely different.”


“You know…wiiiiiiiretapping.”

“Why are you shimmying when you say that, Sean?”


“I don’t understand what’s happening.”

“It’s a guy thing, Katie. Hey, let’s go down to the bar and do some wiiiiiiiiretapping.”

“That’s not a guy thing, Sean.”

“Yeah, it’s not a thing at all.”

“Shut up, Jon, Aaron. Katie, if you’ll look at the president’s tweets, he clearly put quote marks around the word wiretapping.”

“He sent out four tweets. In two, he used quotation marks. The other two did not have the punctuation.”

“There’s a good possibility that Obama also hacked President Trump’s Twitter account.”

“There’s no possibility of that.”

“False flag!”


“Yes, Glenn?”

“I want to get back to the House.”

“I want to go back to my house, too.”

The House, Sean. The Intelligence Committee received their briefing today. Has the President asked for the same briefing?”


“Has the President directed the FBI and Justice Department to begin an investigation into the matter?”


“Has he consulted with anyone besides Sean Hannity?”

“Very cute, Glenn. You cherry-pick one name–”

“You brought Sean Hannity into this.”

“–and just use the one name to try to discredit the President and destroy America. This country could use a lot more Sean Hannitys. Like, six more. At least.”

“Sean, are you saying that the President believes that former President Obama bugged his offices, and has not sought out one single person who might be capable of finding out whether or not it’s true?”

“President Trump relies on multiple sources of information.”

“Are any of them reputable?”

“Mark Levin really knows what he’s talking about. Jim?”

“Sean, if the President is proven wrong, will he apologize?”

“Well, I don’t know–”


“Excuse me.”

“Could you repeat the question?”

“If the President is proven wrong, will he apologize?”

“Obama will say sorry to Trump! Wiretapping me for years! Wrong and sick!”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“That’s it for today, folks.”

More Out-Of-Context Quotes From Today’s Sean Spicer Press Briefer

  • Melissa McCarthy has been declared an enemy combatant.
  • Bathrobe? Is that an English word? I’ve never heard it before. Is it like a chifferobe? Because, yes, the President does have a chifferobe he needs busting up if anyone wants to make a quick nickel.
  • The report that President Trump called the New York Times “fake news” is itself fake news.
  • I don’t know where this story that staffers can’t find the bathrooms and are shitting in the hallways came from, but it’s not true. I mean, yes: there are one or two turds in the hallways, but we can’t even be sure if they’re human.
  • The thing to remember about former-President Obama is that he’s black, and so whatever you’re asking me about is almost certainly his fault.
  • No, he did not say “Muslim ban.” The President was using an acronym: Making the United States Less Infested, Murder-filled, Bad, And Nasty.”
  • Now, by my mother’s son, and that’s myself,
    It shall be moon, or star, or what I list,
    Evermore crossed and crossed, nothing but crossed!
  • Lots of people wake up before dawn to yell at the teevee news and then go to bed at seven p.m. My grandmother. My grandfather. My other grandmother.
  • Yes, I do feel President Trump is Lincolnesque.
  • The so-called British Parliament are jealous losers and haters.
  • Many of New England’s plays from last night’s Super Bowl were suggested by the President.
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