Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: stealie (page 1 of 2)

Rained So Hard That The Roof Caved In

Viva Puerto Rico.

If You Want To Destroy My Sweater

I’m gonna judge the fuck out of you. Right up front: if I see you wearing this, I will judge you until my knees go weak. (And, yes, I know that John Mayer has one; I stand by my statement.) Why, Grateful Dead, why? Did you see a market opening in the “chilly grandmas” demo? Who approved that two-tone? What is that collar’s form and function? I feel bad for the wool. It could have been a child’s favorite winter hat, but instead it got knitted into an ugly sweater.

Bright side: you can give these to homeless people when it gets cold.

This is official merch, too, and because the Grateful Dead is dedicated to sustainability and related whatnottery, there’s a photo essay about where the sweaters come from, and how the sweaters were all raised cage-free and fed grass.

Look:

Oh, excuse me. Don’t mind if I take out my hand fan.

FWAP

flapflapflap

How do you do, muscly farm boy?

“Um, hello, sir.”

Call me daddy.

Excuse me.

Get out of here. I’m making a run at Farmer Brown.

He’s a healthy-looking young man.

I want him to treat me like he’s treating that sheep.

Can you stop sexually harassing photographs and get back to insulting sweaters?

It all sounds so meaningless when you say it like that.

Gee.

Okay, look at this. It’s where they dry the wool, or blanche it, or braise it. Perhaps there is a ceviche involved, I did not bother to read the captions.

The entire Industrial Revolution culminated in the production of that sweater, Enthusiasts. And this one:

Look how embarrassed the model is. (This was the best take; in all the others, he’s covering his face with the hat.)

And they’re $470 fucking dollars.

Sell tee-shirts, Grateful Dead.

Kindnesses You Will Assuredly Regret

  • Helping the guy with the broken arm get a couch into his van.
  • Nursing a scorpion back to health.
  • Co-signing a lease for your just-out-of-rehab cousin.
  • Helping the person next to you on the plane with their oxygen mask before securely fastening yours.
  • Letting the door-to-door encyclopedia salesman into the house, mostly because there are no more door-to-door encyclopedia salesman, and it’s probably the serial killer with the van from the first bullet point.

The Last Days Of Choogle

Hey, Chalice Sauvignon.

“Chloë Sevigny.”

Chirpy Shabooboo.

“Chloë Sevigny.”

Chavenged Sevendust.

“Chloë Sevigny.”

You like the Dead?

“I like the Dead.”

Name every show on the ’82 Spring Tour.

“Don’t you usually bitch about gatekeeping bullshit like that?”

Yes. I’m sorry. You were at the Farewell Shoes, too.

“I was.”

Why are you at Sundance?

“Promoting a movie. You’d hate it. Nothing blows up.”

Is there kung fu?

“Not even a little bit. It isn’t even mentioned, let alone practiced.”

What about–

“There are no martial arts whatsoever.”

–karate? Okay, just checking. Yeah, I won’t see that.

“We all have our own tastes.”

We do. Now, seriously: name all the Spring Tour shows from 1982 or I’m going to declare you a poseur.

“Nice meeting you.”

Really?

“No.”

Say hi to Harmony Korine for me.

“Really?”

No.

Possible Contents Of This Wallet

  • Seven or eight non-active credit cards.
  • Torn-out Bible page with “cold-air balloons?” written on it in blue ballpoint ink
  • Basic Strategy card for Blackjack.
  • Row of blotter the owner has forgotten about.
  • Row of blotter the owner knows of.
  • Emergency rolling papers.
  • An ACLU “Know Your Rights” card.
  • That chick’s phone number, man.
  • Stacy?
  • Tracy?
  • She was a cool chick, man.
  • Long-distance calling card. (80’s Deadhead only.)
  • Stamps and folded paper with important addresses. (70’s Deadhead only.)
  • Draft card. (60’s Deadhead only.)
  • Emergency Benjy.
  • Organ donor card for someone other than the wallet’s owner.
  • Picture of biological family.
  • Picture of tour family.
  • Picture of Lily.
  • Guitar pick Bobby gave the owner when they met at three AM in a Sheraton in Omaha.
  • $26, mostly in singles.

Unlikely Items That Have Had Stealies Slapped On Them

  • Bar Mitzvah balloons with “Today, you are a Kreutzmann!” printed below the Stealie.
  • Foie gras.
  • Ant spray, but a very environmental one.
  • Industrial centrifuge. (You have to question the decision-making process there: a Stealie is not enhancing the value of a centrifuge, let alone an industrial one. In fact, if I were the one buying centrifuges and saw one with a Stealie, I would buy the other one.)
  • Plunger.
  • Civilian-grade gas masks. (“WARNING! Do not expose to gas!”)
  • Communion wafers.
  • The Defense Technology© First Defense® CS spray (0.7%) MC Stream.
  • In 1984, the band sold t-shirts depicting then-Premier Gorbachev of the then-extant Soviet Union with a Stealie replacing his trademark port-wine stain. (I would totally buy this shirt.)
  • Stealie-shaped pinata that had doobies in it instead of candy, but also had some candy. (That is two objectively good ideas in a row.)

Bring The Kiddies, Bring The (Keyboardist’s) Wife

stealie mets

Attention New York Enthusiasts: do you wanna hear some news, or should I just go fuck myself?

God, that’s an old joke.

The good bits and the new material go in the big posts.

Sure. So what’s the news?

Dead & Co will not be at CitiField.

What? So who will be?

Dead & WHOA-OHH-AHHHHH-AHAHH-YEEEEEEEAAAAAHH!

Mrs. Donna Jean?

You didn’t hear it from me.

Who’d I hear it from, then?

No idea. But do you know that This Is All A Dream We Dreamed, the spectacular oral history of the Dead co-written by the great David Gans, is only $22.99 from Amazon?

I didn’t.

It’s a good deal.

Last Line Change

stealie gordie howe

I’d say to take off your helmets, but Gordie didn’t wear one. Hope the Maple Leaf is at half-staff today.

 

Dark Starbucks

starbucks stealie

Like an idiot, I thought that yesterday’s Starbucks Day was the low point, and that things could get no more irritating. I forgot that TED Talks existed.

Also: I can’t believe that Starbucks’ Social Media Contentifizers (Meme Squad) didn’t take the opportunity to tweet out a pic of a Starbucks  cup with “Jerry” written on the side in Sharpie.

Also also: “Youth@”.

Steal Your Wings Right Off Your Carapace

7FA8041C-7D09-42F0-8EA5-BEFD6C5E88E4

“Yo.”

Me?

“Yeah, you. Balloons. 3 for $10.”

What?

“You want, I got.”

You’re selling balloons?

“Nitrous Mafia for life, yo.”

You are not in the Nitrous Mafia.

“Lost my Red Sox hat.”

Shut up, butterfly.

“Custie motherfucker.”

I hope you get eaten by a lizard.

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