Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: stealie (page 1 of 2)

Kindnesses You Will Assuredly Regret

  • Helping the guy with the broken arm get a couch into his van.
  • Nursing a scorpion back to health.
  • Co-signing a lease for your just-out-of-rehab cousin.
  • Helping the person next to you on the plane with their oxygen mask before securely fastening yours.
  • Letting the door-to-door encyclopedia salesman into the house, mostly because there are no more door-to-door encyclopedia salesman, and it’s probably the serial killer with the van from the first bullet point.

The Last Days Of Choogle

Hey, Chalice Sauvignon.

“Chloë Sevigny.”

Chirpy Shabooboo.

“Chloë Sevigny.”

Chavenged Sevendust.

“Chloë Sevigny.”

You like the Dead?

“I like the Dead.”

Name every show on the ’82 Spring Tour.

“Don’t you usually bitch about gatekeeping bullshit like that?”

Yes. I’m sorry. You were at the Farewell Shoes, too.

“I was.”

Why are you at Sundance?

“Promoting a movie. You’d hate it. Nothing blows up.”

Is there kung fu?

“Not even a little bit. It isn’t even mentioned, let alone practiced.”

What about–

“There are no martial arts whatsoever.”

–karate? Okay, just checking. Yeah, I won’t see that.

“We all have our own tastes.”

We do. Now, seriously: name all the Spring Tour shows from 1982 or I’m going to declare you a poseur.

“Nice meeting you.”

Really?

“No.”

Say hi to Harmony Korine for me.

“Really?”

No.

Possible Contents Of This Wallet

  • Seven or eight non-active credit cards.
  • Torn-out Bible page with “cold-air balloons?” written on it in blue ballpoint ink
  • Basic Strategy card for Blackjack.
  • Row of blotter the owner has forgotten about.
  • Row of blotter the owner knows of.
  • Emergency rolling papers.
  • An ACLU “Know Your Rights” card.
  • That chick’s phone number, man.
  • Stacy?
  • Tracy?
  • She was a cool chick, man.
  • Long-distance calling card. (80’s Deadhead only.)
  • Stamps and folded paper with important addresses. (70’s Deadhead only.)
  • Draft card. (60’s Deadhead only.)
  • Emergency Benjy.
  • Organ donor card for someone other than the wallet’s owner.
  • Picture of biological family.
  • Picture of tour family.
  • Picture of Lily.
  • Guitar pick Bobby gave the owner when they met at three AM in a Sheraton in Omaha.
  • $26, mostly in singles.

Unlikely Items That Have Had Stealies Slapped On Them

  • Bar Mitzvah balloons with “Today, you are a Kreutzmann!” printed below the Stealie.
  • Foie gras.
  • Ant spray, but a very environmental one.
  • Industrial centrifuge. (You have to question the decision-making process there: a Stealie is not enhancing the value of a centrifuge, let alone an industrial one. In fact, if I were the one buying centrifuges and saw one with a Stealie, I would buy the other one.)
  • Plunger.
  • Civilian-grade gas masks. (“WARNING! Do not expose to gas!”)
  • Communion wafers.
  • The Defense Technology© First Defense® CS spray (0.7%) MC Stream.
  • In 1984, the band sold t-shirts depicting then-Premier Gorbachev of the then-extant Soviet Union with a Stealie replacing his trademark port-wine stain. (I would totally buy this shirt.)
  • Stealie-shaped pinata that had doobies in it instead of candy, but also had some candy. (That is two objectively good ideas in a row.)

Bring The Kiddies, Bring The (Keyboardist’s) Wife

stealie mets

Attention New York Enthusiasts: do you wanna hear some news, or should I just go fuck myself?

God, that’s an old joke.

The good bits and the new material go in the big posts.

Sure. So what’s the news?

Dead & Co will not be at CitiField.

What? So who will be?

Dead & WHOA-OHH-AHHHHH-AHAHH-YEEEEEEEAAAAAHH!

Mrs. Donna Jean?

You didn’t hear it from me.

Who’d I hear it from, then?

No idea. But do you know that This Is All A Dream We Dreamed, the spectacular oral history of the Dead co-written by the great David Gans, is only $22.99 from Amazon?

I didn’t.

It’s a good deal.

Last Line Change

stealie gordie howe

I’d say to take off your helmets, but Gordie didn’t wear one. Hope the Maple Leaf is at half-staff today.

 

Dark Starbucks

starbucks stealie

Like an idiot, I thought that yesterday’s Starbucks Day was the low point, and that things could get no more irritating. I forgot that TED Talks existed.

Also: I can’t believe that Starbucks’ Social Media Contentifizers (Meme Squad) didn’t take the opportunity to tweet out a pic of a Starbucks  cup with “Jerry” written on the side in Sharpie.

Also also: “Youth@”.

Steal Your Wings Right Off Your Carapace

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“Yo.”

Me?

“Yeah, you. Balloons. 3 for $10.”

What?

“You want, I got.”

You’re selling balloons?

“Nitrous Mafia for life, yo.”

You are not in the Nitrous Mafia.

“Lost my Red Sox hat.”

Shut up, butterfly.

“Custie motherfucker.”

I hope you get eaten by a lizard.

It Would Barn Off Both Your Little Ears

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Music, it can take you by the hand. Crush your fingers so you know who’s boss; let you know you’ve got a pardner in this weary world; press your palm to your chest to feel your heart beating and remind you you’re still alive.

Music, it can take you by the scruff. Drag you to water and make your ass drink; drag you to the bar and make your ass drink; drag you to God and make your ass drink.

It’ll leave scars just like your father; put you to bed just like your mother; tear little chunks off just like your first dead pet.

Music’ll fuck you up.

An Open Letter To The Guy Selling These T-Shirts

IMG_4125

Dear Guy Selling These T-Shirts,

Holy shit, are you going to get sued. Imagine if Thor’s hammer were made out of lawyers: that’s what’s about to be rammed up your asshole. Prince’s crackhead half-sister who now controls the estate is going to own your house. Stop doing this thing.

I see where you got confused: there are two logos here, and one of them is halfway to public domain by now. You have to work real hard to get yourself a Cease & Desist for putting a Stealie on something. I’m a believer in copyright law and intellectual property belonging to its creators, but a non-hippie argument could be made that the Stealie belongs to all of us at this point.

But the logo you put inside the Stealie? That sumbitch belongs to one guy, and it doesn’t matter that he’s dead: he will come back to life just to sue you.

Don’t die on this hill, man.

Sincerely,
TotD

ps The Stealie is pretty neat, though. Here’s a bigger version:

0E0DED75-D9A1-45F1-971D-3735199DF26B

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