Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: tom hamilton

Bowl, Share

What the fuck?

“Go away,”


“Not now.”


“Fuck off.”


“Stop stealing jokes from Archer.

What the fuck is Tom wearing?

“I was confused about that myself. It’s almost a robe, and–”

Almost a kimono, but definitely not a coat, yeah yeah. It’s called a toppermost.

“That’s not a real thing.”

It is. Rich people have a whole set of garments that normal folks don’t have access to.

“Tom’s not rich. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be on a fucking Jam Cruise.”

Is that what this is?

“Yup. You know Phil’s restaurant?”

Of course.

“Well, imagine you couldn’t leave for five days and there was a 40% chance of contracting Legionnaire’s Disease.”


“And Turkuaz was there.”

Jesus. Y’know, it’s not too late to go back to grad school. What was your hat’s GPA?

“Okay, this was fun, but I’m busy.”

I wanna know where the fuck he got that toppermost.

“I don’t know. The store?”

Holly. Look at that garment. What store would you buy that in?

“Yeah, okay, you have a point.”

This is not good. I just hope–


–a certain social media star doesn’t find out. Heeeeeey, buddy.

“Dude, I’m steaming. Why does Brad Whitford–”

Tom Hamilton.

“–have one of my toppermosts!? He’s not even supposed to know they exist, let alone be wearing one.”

Got me.

“You know how much that cost?”

Too much?

“Waaaaay too fucking much. That’s a handcrafted piece by Sushi Sashimi.”

Not a real Japanese name.

“He’s not even wearing it right!”

How so?

“He’s fucking poor!”

John, this is an ugly side of you.

“Dude, I don’t have an ugly side. I mean, my right profile is slightly more handsome, but–”


“I am so pissed off. What the fuck is going on here, anyway? Who’s the chick in the hat?”

The very talented Holly Bowling. And this is the Jam Cruise.

“I don’t know what a ‘Jam Cruise’ is, and I refuse to learn.”

Good decision.

“Does that guy have his dick out?”

Tom? I hope not. Unless it’s part of the improv. Keith Jarrett used to do that if someone coughed.

“No, not Tim.”


“Don’t care. Not him. The guy on the left in the yellow shirt.”


“It can’t be.”

If it is, good for him.

“Is this what people do on the Jam Cruise? Wear hats and take their dicks out?”

Pretty much.

“Trump’s gonna win in 2020.”


Workin’ In A House Of Ghost Light

I’m glad to see you followed my advice, Holly Bowling.

“Oh, not you again.”

You joined a band! Good job: you can only play with yourself for so long.

“Don’t be weird or I’m getting our Parish.”

You already have a Parish?

“We’re serious about this, man.”

Nice. The name is Ghost Light?

“Yeah! You like it?”

Tough to say after a couple drinks.


Introduce the band, Holly. Next to you is DJ Scarfmaster.

“Tom Hamilton.”

Noooo. Tom Hamilton is an ugly blond from Boston.

“Different people can have the same name.”

You’re blowing my mind, Bowling. Next to him is Young Jeff Chimenti.

“Steve Lyons.”

What does he play?


Yeah, I can see that.

“Right? He just looks like the bass player.”

Who is Lady Jay Leno?


Debbie Denim.

“Ah. That’s Raina Mullen.”

She’s killing you in the shoe game.

“Not what this is about.”

You should catfight her.

“Don’t do that.”

You’re probably right. Who’s the guy–



What is your drummer wearing?

“Huh. Not sure what you’d call it. It’s almost a robe. Kind of a kimono.”

But definitely not a coat.

“I was just about to say that.”



Who’s managing your band?

“Oh, you know who it is.”

I do. Get out here!

“Hey, buddy.”

Benjy, what the fuck?

“Why am I coming out of an interdimensional dryer?”

No, I don’t care about that. Are you stealing John Mayer’s toppermosts?



“Money and spite.”

Those are pretty good reasons, actually. Why do you need money? I thought you had John’s power of attorney in that contract you made him sign.

“I did! That contract was ironclad.”


“It turns out iron is not the strongest substance you can make a contract out of. His lawyers are made from titanium-carbon alloys and tipped with diamonds. They went through that contract like toilet paper. And not the good kind. Gas station toilet paper.”

Makes sense.

“So I raided his wardrobe mansion before I left.”

What’s a wardrobe mansion?

“He bought a house for his clothes.”

Of course he did.

“It’s nice in there. There’s a whole trouser wing.”

Sure. And you got away with some toppermosts?

“Yup. And I’m giving ’em out! I’m like Robin Hood, but you shouldn’t give me a bow-and-arrow.”

Why not?

“Trust me.”

Okay. This is great, actually. Holly Bowling and Benjy Eisen back together again.

“2018 is gonna be the Year of People Who Love Very Specific Hats.”

I’m glad.

“The blonde chick’s kinda stealing my look, though.”

She is.


Beards (Two Different Ones)

Bobby’s doing some shows with Big Daddy Scarfington over there, and he’s been posting some pictures from the rehearsals; I think this is Bobby’s home studio, so let’s play a game: What Is The Most Grateful Dead Thing About This Photo?

Okay, go.

Got it?

See it yet?

Nope. Not the suspiciously-accessible fire extinguisher.

Give up? Bottom left corner.

Bobby runs his teevee’s sound through a MacIntosh. God bless the Grateful Dead.

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