Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: trixie garcia (page 1 of 4)

Something Sweet

You know Annabelle and Trixie, but those are Trey’s daughters, Kay and Fay, on the outside.

Every Breath You Take

You’re up early.

“Nah, fucker. Up late.”

What’s happened to you?

“Vacation Trixie is a fucking hellcat, bro. I’m raging.”

You’re taking a hike with your mom.

“It’s a family-oriented rage.”

How was the after-party?

“Party was wild. It was really a Jerry Tribute.”

Nitrous room?

“Nitrous room. I stay away from that shit, though.”

Good choice.

“I stuck with shrooms and cognac.”

Is that a good combination?

“It’s an active combination. Lotta things going on at once.”

Okay.

“Poured a little out for dad.”

That’s sweet.

“Then I lit a mattress on fire for him.”

Sweet in a different way, but still sweet.

“Ow. Someone’s flashing a light in my eyes from over there.”

Where?

“There!”

Are you pointing?

“Yes.”

Well, Trix, this is a dialogue-based form. I just can’t–

“Go and take care of it, dipshit.”

Yes, ma’am. Hey!

“Vhat?”

Oh, this is creepy.

“Is personal now. Putin develop feelings for Trixie Grateful.”

Dude, you back the fuck off.

“All is fair in love and var.”

That’s kind of your motto, isn’t it?

“Da. In Russian, but: da.”

Stay away from Trixie.

“Putin vill take her like Crimea.”

None of this is okay.

“I vill voo her.”

Voo?

“Nyet. Voo. I vill voo her. Putin vill pitch his voo.”

Ah.

“Do nyet make fun of accent.”

What could you possibly have to offer Trixie?

“Poland.”

You don’t have Poland.

“Give Putin two years.”

She doesn’t want Poland.

“Dacha on Black Sea.”

Not her thing.

“Condo in Trump Tower.”

Definitely not her thing.

“Maybe Putin send dick pic.”

Yeah, try that. I bet she’ll go for it.

“You think?”

Uh-huh.

“Putin vill take selfie of Russian meat. Must go fluff and…vhat is light flashing over there?”

Where?

“Ve should nyet repeat this joke.”

True.

“Putin see.”

“Kim see you, Snowball Dick.”

Goddammit.

I’m not okay with this.

“Hello, Fatty.”

“Hello, Baldy. See you found shirt.”

“Vhen you are not great big fatso, you valk around vithout shirt.”

“Keep up talk. After nuke America, maybe nuke you.”

“Kim Jong-Un went too far. Apologize.”

“Spaceeba. Vhy you here?”

“Jerry Tribute. Warren Haynes there, then I there.”

“Am burned out on Varren Haynes.”

“No talk bad about Warren.”

“Is enough vith him.”

“War-dog is man!”

SHUT UP the both of you. I need you out of America right now.

“Nyet.”

“Here to stay, Yankee Noodle.”

Growing Season

Young lady.

“Kiss my ass. It’s the after-party.”

What about after the after-party?

“Then it’s the hotel lobby.”

Nice.

“The concert was fun, but it was a bit much. It’s always a bit much.”

Deadheads can be like that.

“Motherfuckers wanna hug up on a girl.”

You should bring Parish.

“He gets overprotective. Just starts bopping wooks on the head with his giant fist.”

Like Little Bunny Foo-Foo?

“Just like that, except with concussions.”

Looks like good doobie.

“What’s my last name, bitch?”

I’m sure it’s good doobie.

“Better. You need to recognize.”

Have you been drinking?

“Yes.”

Okay, then. Wait. Why are you in the Chicago Four Seasons if the show was in Colorado?

“Putin had it brought here.”

What?

“Turns out he’s awesome. That guy can get shit done. Good people.”

Putin is totally not good people.

“Did you know he was in the Flaming Groovies?”

Uh-huh. Excuse me. Vladimir!

“Da?”

What are you doing?

“Looking for Guam.”

That’s a map of Russia.

“Guam historically part of Russia.”

Stop that. Why are you making friends with the Garcia family?

“Putin is friendly.”

No, you most certainly are not.

“Trixie Grateful is vonderful conversationalist. Ve share love of old school hip hop.”

Not true.

“EPMD very underrated.”

That is true, but stop this.

“Putin vill get kompromat on Trixie Grateful. From there, Putin use her to influence Bernie Bros.”

Just say blackmail. You’re speaking English.

“Putin say vhat Putin vant.”

What kind of thing are you going to hold over Trixie?

“Have video of her smoking marijuanas.”

And?

“And vhat? In Russia, this is enough to send you to gulag.”

You don’t have gulags any more.

“Suuuuuure, ve don’t.”

Well, in America, that’s either legal or a hundred-buck fine. And being caught smoking pot is not going to harm Trixie’s reputation. She’s literally a hippie princess.

“Putin vill figure out vay to make Trixie Grateful Russian asset.”

This is an odd storyline, Vlad.

“Is vhat is.”

Gets Cold In The Mountains

Stay away from the one on the right.

“Mountain Girl?”

My right.

“Oh. Yeah, no problem. Trixie’s a beautiful woman, but I’m a happily married man.”

How old’s the kid now?

“Going on three.”

Teaching him how to play yet?

“Of course! Dead’s gonna need a new bass player in a couple decades.”

The music’s never gonna stop, is it?

“Nope. Hey, uh, I thought you were taking care of that guy.”

Which guy?

“You know which guy.”

Goddammit.

“You vill take care of Putin?”

I’m gonna chase your Commie ass back to the Caucuses.

“Putin do nothing wrong. Is vitch hunt.”

No witch hunt, no witch hunt.

“Leave Putin alone. Is time for…how you say in English? Covfefe?”

Coffee.

“You see vhat Putin did?”

Yes.

“Putin love coffee. Best part of vaking up is having your enemies murdered. And also Folger’s.”

Get away from Red Rocks.

“Red Rocks is historically part of Russia.”

Totally isn’t.

“Many Russian citizens here being oppressed by jam bands. Putin liberate.”

The only thing you liberate is other people’s money.

“Use money to buy giant hats. You like hat?”

No!

“You like hat?”

No.

“You like hat?”

Yeah, fine, it’s a cool hat.

“And jacket?”

Jacket’s pretty cool, too.

“Putin vins again.”

I hate you.

“Da.”

Gatecrashers At The Pipes Of Dawn

Hello, Trixie. You’ve gone pinkish.

“I need you to be honest with me: are you going to show up at my house one day?”

Am I invited?

“No. Not at all.”

Then I will not.

“Promise?”

I don’t have the follow-through to be a stalker.

“I’ll take it.”

This is a very sweet picture.

“I know, right? Jerry’s girls. All eight of us.”

Your dad loved him his guitars.

“When I was a kid and went to my friends’ houses, I would think it was weird that their dads didn’t sit there playing scales while they were talking to us.”

This is Red Rocks for the big concert?

“Yeah! Bobby’s here and Oteil and John Mayer and Warren and Melvin. My whole family. It’s been great, really great.”

I’m very happy to hear that.

“Except for that guy.”

Which guy?

“The shirtless guy right over there. No one knows how he got backstage, but he won’t leave.”

Lemme handle it. Hey!

“Shto?”

Oh, fuck.

“Do nyet be harshing Putin’s mellow. Putin is on vacay.”

Get away from the Garcias.

“Do Garcias write about me?”

No.

“Then they are in no danger. Putin have very stressful year. Tired of so much vinning. Must relax.”

You don’t have to do it at Red Rocks during a Jerry Garcia tribute concert.

“Could nyet get Baker’s Dozen tickets.”

I find that hard to believe.

“Putin nyet up to anything. Have James Patterson novel. Vill read by pool.”

You’re up to something.

“This is how Putin gets groove back.”

I’m watching you.

“And me, you.”

Carve Your Name

The new hottest place to Instagram yourself taking a dab is Garcia Plaque. It’s in front of his childhood home at 121 Amazon Avenue, which is near the Mission. House is still there, too. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, and 1,400 square feet: it can be yours for a million.

He might have been born there. 90% of births in 1942 took place on kitchen tables, with the placenta being donated to the war effort. This is where he lost the finger. This was the house he came back to after watching his father drown. He and his brother, Tiff, got sent to 87 Harrington Street after that to live with their grandparents while their mother ran a bar full-time. There’s a plaque there, too.

OR

Why is Garcia not smoking? I call bullshit on this.

Maybe he’s got a cigarette in the other one.

BULLSHIT.

Hey, at least they got the nub in there.

This is political correctness run amok.

It is not.

AMOK.

Stop saying that word.

OKAY.

And stop yelling.

Sure.

Out-Of-Context Answers From Trixie Garcia’s Reddit AMA

  • “Norman, Oklahoma.”
  • “Yes, but not on Tuesdays.”
  • “Bobby and Mickey make me call them ‘Uncle,’ and I’m not telling you what Billy makes me call him.”
  • “That’s an inappropriate question.”
  • “I once put Justin Kreutzmann in a figure-four leglock until he cried.”
  • “Fifty duck-sized horses.”
  • “John Mayer seems lovely; every time I meet him, he explains his outfit to me at length.”
  • “No, I have not seen Gerald McRaney naked.”
  • “Down the hall, and second door on the left.”
  • “That is also an inappropriate question.”
  • “Cyclotron. The thing that spins and you get pressed up against the wall? That’s number one, but I also love the Scrambler.”
  • “I guess the one where you shoot the water pistol into the clown’s mouth.”
  • “Deep fried Oreos? I suppose?”
  • “How many carnival-related questions are there going to be?”
  • “Ever hear those Trump demons talk about ‘their dad’ and ‘their father’ and get squicked out? That’s why I call him Jerry.”
  • “Thank you for asking me about my personal life, Reddit user /u/cuntkicker1488.”
  • “It’s dyed; my hair is naturally jet-black.”
  • “Trixie is short for Trickortreat.”
  • “Well, if that happens every time you eat shrimp, then you’re probably allergic.”
  • “How much longer do I have to talk to these fucking nerds?”
  • “Did you write that down?”
  • “Why would you write that down?”
  • “AND YOU HIT SEND?”

Speaking Of George C. Scott…

Old Dog, New Trixie aired on UPN in 2005; the plot centered around newlyweds Trixie and Amir Bar-Lev dealing with her sons, his daughters, and Steve Parish, a roadie with the Grateful Dead who has taken them all hostage. But–and here’s the twist–they learn to love the old coot, and he moves in. TC played the wacky next-door neighbor, and it was cancelled during its first commercial break.

OR

It really is a fetching haircut.

“Don’t talk to me.”

Just being nice.

“Parish is literally right here. Look at his face.”

Have a nice night.

“Bye.”

OR

I would like someone to put this photo in a Stealie, put in on a tee-shirt, and give it to me.

Mountain, Girl

I see you’ve changed your hair. Did you do that for me?

“Are you going to be weird? I’m not talking to you if you’re gonna be weird.”

I’ll try.

“You’re on very thin ice.”

How’s Sundance?

“Cold and full of movie stars. I saw Kevin Bacon.”

How’d he look?

“Shorter than you’d think.”

Sure.

“And I saw Peter Dinklage.”

How’d he look?

“Taller than you’d think.”

There’s a symmetry to it. Did the crowd like the movie?

“Loved it. Standing ovation. Well, half the crowd stood. The other half tried to stand, but their legs had fallen asleep and so they toppled over.”

Four hours is a long time.

“I am neither confirming nor denying any deaths from deep vein thombosis-related strokes.”

Gotta get up and walk around every hour or so.

“We told them in the safety announcement before the movie.”

How are the three stooges behaving?

“Bobby’s been pouting all weekend because it turns out that ‘ski sandals’ aren’t a thing.”

The activity requires you wear boots.

“Right. And he had this long argument with the guy about how he had really thick socks. No dice.”

Poor guy.

“Billy made a run at Selma Hayek.”

A man’s gotta know his limitations.

“Yeah, Billy doesn’t do well at altitude. Plus people keep giving him things.”

What kind of things?

“Everything. All the things. And he made a run at John Lithgow.”

Billy hit on John Lithgow?

“No, he literally ran at him.”

Ah.

“Mickey started a drum circle in the line for the ski lift.”

Shocker.

“Turns out you shouldn’t do that at the base of a snow-covered mountain.”

Avalanche?

“Big one. Elle Fanning is missing.”

How’s Dakota taking it?

“Much better than you’d expect. It’s kinda suspicious.”

See? We had a nice little chat without it getting weird.

“It’s not over yet.”

Almost.

“Good.”

Hey, Trixie?

“What?”

You know how I know you’re a Grateful Dead?

“How?”

You got a rando.

“We’re done.”

The Real Jeff Chimenti

trixie-siling-giants

I’m sorry: I’ll stop screwing around. Happy birthday, Jeff Chimenti.

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