Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: trixie garcia (page 2 of 4)

Mountain, Girl

I see you’ve changed your hair. Did you do that for me?

“Are you going to be weird? I’m not talking to you if you’re gonna be weird.”

I’ll try.

“You’re on very thin ice.”

How’s Sundance?

“Cold and full of movie stars. I saw Kevin Bacon.”

How’d he look?

“Shorter than you’d think.”

Sure.

“And I saw Peter Dinklage.”

How’d he look?

“Taller than you’d think.”

There’s a symmetry to it. Did the crowd like the movie?

“Loved it. Standing ovation. Well, half the crowd stood. The other half tried to stand, but their legs had fallen asleep and so they toppled over.”

Four hours is a long time.

“I am neither confirming nor denying any deaths from deep vein thombosis-related strokes.”

Gotta get up and walk around every hour or so.

“We told them in the safety announcement before the movie.”

How are the three stooges behaving?

“Bobby’s been pouting all weekend because it turns out that ‘ski sandals’ aren’t a thing.”

The activity requires you wear boots.

“Right. And he had this long argument with the guy about how he had really thick socks. No dice.”

Poor guy.

“Billy made a run at Selma Hayek.”

A man’s gotta know his limitations.

“Yeah, Billy doesn’t do well at altitude. Plus people keep giving him things.”

What kind of things?

“Everything. All the things. And he made a run at John Lithgow.”

Billy hit on John Lithgow?

“No, he literally ran at him.”

Ah.

“Mickey started a drum circle in the line for the ski lift.”

Shocker.

“Turns out you shouldn’t do that at the base of a snow-covered mountain.”

Avalanche?

“Big one. Elle Fanning is missing.”

How’s Dakota taking it?

“Much better than you’d expect. It’s kinda suspicious.”

See? We had a nice little chat without it getting weird.

“It’s not over yet.”

Almost.

“Good.”

Hey, Trixie?

“What?”

You know how I know you’re a Grateful Dead?

“How?”

You got a rando.

“We’re done.”

The Real Jeff Chimenti

trixie-siling-giants

I’m sorry: I’ll stop screwing around. Happy birthday, Jeff Chimenti.

A Conversation Unexpected, But Welcome

trixie benjy shoreline

“So I wake up in Hawaii, naked, and without my passport.”

“You don’t need a passport in Hawaii, Benjy.”

“I had fallen asleep in London.”

“Oh, then you should have your passport. Wait, how long were you unconscious?”

“Not unconscious.”

“Benjy, is Billy murdering you again?”

“Not again.”

“He never stopped, did he?”

“No.”

“Oh, Benj. That’s not right. You’re so busy with Reed Mathis’ new project, Electric Beethoven, which made its world debut at Terrapin Crossroads the other night.”

“Thank you for the plug, Trix.”

“Trixie. Trix is a cereal, Benj.”

“Benjy. Benj is a cereal.”

“That doesn’t make sense. Anyway, why did Billy kidnap you?”

“Sequel to the book.”

“About what? Every single one of Billy’s stories is in the first one. I should know: I’ve heard all of them numerous times.”

“Well, this one is more specific. Topical. About the Dead & Company tour and the past few months.”

“Is that what the ‘Summer of Skank’ is all about?”

“Oh, you heard about that?”

“I hear everything.”

“It’s getting weird. He’s doing a lot of Jimmy Durantes.”

“What the hell is that?”

“Like a speedball, but with coke and Viagra.”

“That’s horrifying.”

“Don’t knock it til you try it.”

“I am not going to try that. What’s he going to do when the tour’s over?”

“I’m not supposed to tell you.”

“Tell me now, Benjy.”

“Okay. We’re stealing the Earthroamer–”

“Again?”

“–and doing a cross-country road trip. Fifty States of Skank.”

“Ew?”

“Me and Billy driving across this great nation, stopping in bars and laundromats and OTB’s, plowing skank and making memories.”

“I rescind my question mark. Ew.”

“Billy likes to cruise by the waiting room of the ER at four in the morning. That is a hotbed of freaky skank right there.”

“Benjy.”

“You know halfway houses? Turns out there’s halfway strip clubs for strippers who just got out of stripper jail. Nothing halfway about the skank, though.”

“Benjy.”

“And EDM festivals, obviously. The only reasons those places exist is skank.”

“Billy calls them Venus Skank Traps.”

“So you’ll be driving a lunatic with a boner around the country in a stolen RV, watching him bang skank.”

“Plow. Billy told me he was done banging. All about plowing the skank now.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Probably something to him.”

“And he’s going to be murdering you occasionally along the way?”

“I hope it’ll be occasionally.”

“How often does he do it now?”

“Regularly.”

“Benjy, why don’t you quit?”

“What? And leave show business?”

Ladies Man

Jerry-and-Heather

Happy Father’s Day, Garcia.

“Shh.”

Sorry.

“Just got her to sleep.”

What’s the point of a baby sleeping if you can’t Instagram it?

“What?”

Nothing. That’s Heather, right?

“Yeah.”

Pretty name.

“Pretty girl. I like girls. Some guys wanna have boys, but I like girls.”

That is good to hear.

“Why?”

jerry wives daughters

“Good God, what is that?”

Your family.

“Just one?”

Couple of ’em.

“I gotta get some gigs, man.”

Happy Father’s Day.

“Sure, yeah.”

Trixie And The Wolf

TG and The Wolf

“I bid $420, man.”

Soup?

“Hey, man.”

What are you doing here?

“Is this not The Price is Right, man?”

No.

“I still wanna bid $420, man.”

Stop that. Trixie is not a spokesmodel and Wolf is not a Chevy Cruze with California emissions.

“Was it the grey hair, man?”

What?

“That caused The Price Is Right producers to not hire Trixie to be a spokesmodel, man?”

Trixie Garcia never auditioned to be a spokesmodel for a game show.

“She should, man. Look how she’s holding the guitar: she’s a natural, man.”

You’re not wrong.

“Plus, I feel like spaying or neutering my pets, man.”

Get out.

“See ya, man.”

Call first next time.

When the Smoke Has Cleared, She Said

billy trixie joint speaking

Billy wanted to smoke the joint in public, so people knew that he enjoyed marijuana.

Also: Trixie does not trust any of the sketchy fuckers in this place and chose to bring her purse onstage with her.

Mixie And Trickey

63803

“Annabelle!”

“That’s my sister.”

“Fifi!”

“Close, but no.”

“Otis?”

“That was Bobby’s dog, Mickey.”

“Are you Jeff Chimenti?”

“Stop looking at my hair and look at my face, Mickey.”

“Okay.”

“You’re too short to be Bill Walton.”

“Good talk, Uncle Mick.”

High Four-And-A-Half

trixie shapiro cap

Everyone would make a deal with the Devil. Everybody’s got that one thing. Lady across the street would sign her soul over for power; man on the bench would do it for money.

Trixie would sell her soul to not have to stand next to white guys pontificating about her father any more.

Trixie And Tricksy

PicsArt_1456948899974

Immediately before this picture was taken, Cutler secretly dosed Trixie but, you know: she was cool with it.

I Am Easy To Shop For

img_2975
How’d you know?

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