Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: twitter

An Open Letter To The Women Of Twitter

Dear women, lovely women, you prolific prizes, you gifts to treasure. Please, women, won’t you see reason? Won’t you listen to logic? Many scientific studies have shown that women are not as capable as men when it comes to reason and logic, especially when it’s that time of the month, but I beg of you.

Listen to me, a man.

Do not boycott Twitter, women!

Whose opinions will we have to ignore, talk over, dismiss before reading, or steal and pass off as our own?

Whose timelines will we have to comb through, looking for a statement to take out of context so as to hold you up as a hypocrite?

Whom will we have to call cunt?

To call whore?

You don’t expect us to threaten other men with rape for disagreeing with us? That would be absurd. You ladies and your absurdities.

We understand what you’re trying to do here, women. We do, honestly, and we think it’s adorable. But you haven’t thought, have you? No, you’ve not given one second’s thought to how your actions make men feel. If you were to boycott Twitter, it would cause men to feel hurt, unimportant, disregarded. It would feel as though no one were listening to us, no matter how loudly we yelled, and that’s no way to make someone feel, is it?

Before you make your decision, women, I beseech you: think of the men.


New Twitter Features

  • No more Nazis.
  • End to the swarms of Putinbots.
  • All “news aggregator” accounts shut down except Jim Roberts. (Seriously: Jim Roberts is why 50% of Deadheads know anything that’s going on in the world.)
  • Ability to edit spelling mistakes.
  • Italics, boldface, and underlining implemented.
  • Anyone attempting a 100-tweet tweetstorm gets 40,000 volts sent through their phone.
  • Trump’s avatar replaced with close-up of a goat’s asshole.
  • Circles.
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