“Once they see the hair in person, they’re defenseless.”
Like the Super Bowl.
I don’t see a wedding ring. Get in there, bro. Use some of those moves Bobby taught you.
“Wandering around looking for my reading glasses?”
The other move.
“Glaring into cameras?”
Okay, forget Bobby. Did Billy teach you any moves?
“Billy doesn’t have moves. He just takes it out and sprints at chicks.”
Does that work?
“If the girl doesn’t know how to juke, yeah.”
Trick is to watch the hips.
“Sure. Listen: I don’t need any help with ladies. I’ve been a Grateful Dead for 20 years.”
“Closest you can get. De facto.”
I’ll give you de facto. You are a de facto Grateful Dead.
“I mean, it’s not like the old days, but it ain’t that tough. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Oh, wait: that’s a move Billy taught me. See, he puts women in a barrel–”
- Light them on fire.
- Grab their small children and run away.
- Wear scuba gear at all times.
- Go to your Wall Street job in flippity-flops and Bobby shorts, and when your overseer says, “Hey, what the fuck, fucker? We wear suits,” and you smack him in his forehead with the ‘flop and go, “You’re not gonna forget this shit,” and he played rugby in college and he tackles you and breaks your collarbone, and then when he’s laying on top of you he goes, “Now you’re not gonna forget it, either,” and then you kiss, you kiss so fucking hard, and he rawdogs you on the commodities desk.
- Leap at them from behind a tree wearing a hockey mask.
- Molest them.
Not cool! Way over the line.
Don’t take your darkness out on the nice people.
The nice people are so lovely.
They are. Did you think they were going to call and ask if you’d like to write the Amazon show?
Just write the whole show?
I have an outline in my head.
They were going to give you, who according to IMDB does not exist, a teevee show to write?
One of the shows was gonna be one long shot through Winterland in ’74.
How very prestige.
And we were gonna do one episode live.
Amazon is a streaming service.
I was gonna make it work.
These are not good ideas.
I’m casting all black, and if you say that’s a bad idea, then it makes you racist.
No. No, it does not.
I will not have the Grateful Dead whitewashed.
There is no washing required to make the Dead white.
There was gonna be a lot of political commentary.
Oh, God, no.
At one point, Amazon-show Phil was gonna read the Bill of Rights in front of a flag.
To make a statement.
Let it go.
I’ve told you about Wall Street Dead aHead Networking Events™ before; they seem like a hoot. Their parties have the headiest quants you’ve ever met, plus canapes. You could meet a banker, or someone who calls himself something else but is actually a banker, or a different kind of banker, or a lady banker. Maybe you could get to know a Canadian Regulatory Filing Agent!
There are limited spaces for each business category – admittance is on a first come first serve basis.
Closed Business Categories:
Accountants, Attorneys, Branding, Financial Printers, Graphic Designers, Insurance, Investor Relations, Proxy Services, Canadian and SEC Regulatory Filing Agents, Transfer Agents and Wealth Managers
Aw, shucks. Get a couple Molsons in those agents and they’re liable to do the Worm right there in the bar.
(Oooohhhhh, I understand now: if you look at the Sponsors Page, then you’ll see that there is an accounting firm, and a law firm, and a branding company, and a financial printer, and so on: The sponsors have insisted upon regulations to ensure a free market for themselves.)
Relaxed™. Huge©. Amazing®.
I was just gonna scroll past until the last line, and then I wanted to share it with you.