Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: watch what happens live

Friendly Fire In Rando War

“Rando.”

Which one of you is speaking?

“Me.”

That doesn’t help.

“It’s, uh, me. You know: me.”

Oh. Hey, Bobby. Not a rando.

“No? Wait. Ah. He’s my manager?”

Are you basing that on his Semitic looks?

“Little bit.”

Not your manager. That’s Al Franken.

“From Trading Places?”

Yes.

“Huh. Guy’s a heck of an actor. I really believed he was a baggage handler.”

“Handle this, Bob. Rando War is won, bitch.”

Jesus.

“Look at these randos.”

Okay, first of all: not randos. Second: stop calling Bobby a bitch, Amir Bar-Lev.

“Man in this sweater can call anyone he wants a bitch.”

That’s not how it works.

“Bitch.”

Stop calling me a bitch. Those are not randos. The one on the left is Whatsherface, and the one on the right is Amy Adams’ mom or something.

“Sounds pretty rando to me.”

Dude, in this photo? You are the rando.

“Wow.”

Sorry to be so blunt.

“Hurtful.”

Well, I’ve never seen you on Law & Order, and both of these ladies have been on multiple iterations of the show.

“Don’t talk to me.”

Don’t be this way.

“You’re an asshole.”

Yeah?

“Yeah.”

Okay, sure.

“AAAAHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?”

I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.

“You’re FUCKED, man!I’m a goddamned midget!”

Little person.

“No, I can say midget. It’s our word.”

You’ve been this way for 20 seconds.

“I’m adaptable.”

Sure.

“Change me back!”

Apologize!

“Never!”

Director’s Cut!

“Never!”

You’re just impossible.

“Y’know, when I made that movie about Penn State, I got death threats.”

Yeah?

“That was better than this.”

I’ve heard that from people.

The Day Has Finally Come

bobby singing bravo

It’s been five decades in the making, but Bobert Herbert Walker Weir has gone Full Muppet.

The Post-Show

bobby open arms jm bravo

“What did I do?”

“The watch thing, Bob.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, who you are, or where I am.”

“You haven’t let that stop you yet.”

“Sure, sure.”

“You made fun of my watches onstage. ‘Just like a Swiss watch.’ That hurt. It’s like all those long, one-sided conversations I had with you about watches were wastes of time.”

“Seems that way.”

“Bob!”

“Listen, Josh: it’s a new Bob Weir. I’m doing jazz hands, and I’m tossing out zingers.”

“Oh? We’re doing zingers now? Cuz…you know…”

“What?”

“When did you start doing jazz hands, Bob?”

“I’ve never done jazz hands.”

“You’re doing them right now.”

“Is this jazz hands?”

“What did you think they were?”

“Sex thing.”

“No, Bob.”

“The way Billy taught me, they are.”

“That goes for everything Billy teaches.”

“Sometimes he teaches lessons.”

“He does.”

“Yeah, yeah. Josh, I’ve thought it over and I’m going to continue doing whatever the hell I feel like.”

“Worked for you so far.”

“Seems that way.”

Maybe It Was The Poses

bobby andy cohen hands thing.jpg

“I’m just so proud of Josh, Candy.”

“You were 0-for-2 there, Bob.”

“He’s come a long way as a musician and as a Grateful Dead. You should see him get tuggers now.”

“I would watch that.”

“And Billy’s gonna steal his road case full of hats and dump it in a river pretty soon, so that’s okay, too. He’s teaching us a lot, and we’re teaching him.”

“And what have you taught John, specifically?”

“Well, watch this.”

bobby jm chin hand

“See?”

“Wow.”

“Took him a while to get it, honestly. Don’t want to throw him under the Earthroamer, but that’s what happened. Poked himself in the eye a bunch.”

“Is that it, Bob?”

“Oh, no. Hooked him up with prayer hands.”

jm praying hands bravo

“Oooh, that’s good.”

“Right? Kid’s a natural. So proud of him. Took him a day to learn. Been trying to teach Chimenti to roll over for a decade, but that’s a lost cause. Josh is bright.”

“How about a selfie, Bob?”

“Sure, sure.”

bobby jm andy cohen selfie

“Josh, what was that?”

“Dammit! I meant to.”

“You managed to angle your watch towards the camera, but you can’t do hand on chin?”

“Bob, I spaced. I’m sorry. Let’s take another one.”

“You ruined it.”

Look At Me, I’m Andy C.

bobby jm bravo hands

“This new thing, Dead & Company, it’s got something. It’s cooking, y’know? Hot band. I haven’t learned the bass player’s name, but he’s a player. Real player.”

“What was that you were telling me about Garcia, Bob?”

“Oh, yeah. He’s still there. A little. I can see him out of the corner of my eye sometimes. I think he’s okay with what we’re doing.”

“Wow.”

“If he were alive, he’d still be in the Dead, of course.”

“Sure.

“And if Phil were alive, he’d still be in the band.”

“Nope.”

“Only, you know, only thing I got a problem with is the tempos. Some of those songs are just too slow. Especially the ones I sing.”

“Bobby.”

“Gotta goose it. Needs a little goosifying.”

“Bobby.”

“The choogle’s getting a bit droopy, is all I’m saying.”

“Bob, you complaining about the tempos being too slow is like Jack the Ripper complaining about all the dead whores.”

“Do you want to get dinner after this?”

andy cohen anderson cooper

“OH, FUCK THIS! NO!”

“What’s the matter?”

“I just got out of this bullshit reality.”

“You don’t like it? It’s kind of fun. Have you met Wally?”

HELLO, ANDERSON–DO NOT CALL ME THAT–COOPER. WE MEET AGAIN.

“Why have you accepted this weirdness so readily?”

“You never took acid, did you?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“In this situation? Quite a bit.”

First Time Caller, Long Time Enthusiast

bobby jm andy cohen commercial

“Bob, a number of Real Housewives have told me that they’d like to marry you for your money.”

“Smart ladies.”

“So you’d consider it?”

“I already got a wife, Natasha Monster. And, you know: she’s not a pill-popping, social media-addicted lunatic.”

“Okay, so that’s a no. What do you think of the Kardashians?”

“Really held the Ottoman Empire together.”

“Khloe tells me that she can only climax if a ’73 Here Comes Sunshine is playing.”

“Not the first time I’ve heard that.”

“I love your pants.”

“Alan, they were sold to me as a lengthy short.”

“How about we take a call?”

“Sure. Do you want me to wait in the other room?”

“It’s not a private call, Bob. We’re on TV.”

“Oh, that’s what the cameras are for. I thought we were in Josh’s hotel room. He’s got the place wired for surveill–”

“Why don’t we take that call, Andy?”

“Good idea, Josh.”

“Oh, not you, too.”

“Hello, caller?”

“Hello? Is John there?”

“I recognize that voice! Is this international superstar Katy Perry?”

“Yes! I recognize your voice! It’s an honor to talk to Scatman Crothers.”

“No, Katy. It’s Andy Cohen. I just have a cold.”

“Oh.”

“Where are you?”

katy perry giant robot

“I’m being held hostage by a giant robot in Japan.”

“Katy, it’s John. Can I call you back?”

“John! Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

“Because I’m on TV, sweetie.”

“Cable.”

“Close enough.”

“John, the actual ninjas killed all the Scottish ninjas and took me to Japan and then the giant robots killed the actual ninjas and threw them in the ocean. One of them washed up in Rio, John.”

“We really shouldn’t combine storylines like this.”

“John!”

“Okay, fine. Katybird–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–we got one song and two Jimi Hendrix stories to get through, and then we’re back on the bus and heading your way. Now please let’s not talk about this on television any more.”

“Cable.”

“Still.”

“Bob?”

“Yeah, Dandy?”

“What exactly is happening?”

“Huh. Good question. Are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?”

Well, That Happened (Live)

bobby big hands jm andy cohen bravo

“And I’d never seen a ham that large.”

“It does seem like a large ham, Bob.”

“So, you know: people needed to know how generous my new bandmate was. I held the ham up like this.”

“Oh, is that why you’ve been making that gesture?”

“I’m having another out-of-body experience.”

“That’s the third one since the last commercial break, Bob.”

“They’re fun. Ooh, I’m ’bout 25 feet up.”

“Careful of the lights.”

“Well, you know, Randy: it’s not exactly a corporeal thing.”

“Johnny Boy?”

“Andyman?”

“Is he always like this?”

“No, no. Sometimes he’s distracted.”

The Television Business Is Uglier Than Most Things

bobby jm andy cohen technician bravo

“I didn’t see you in the van, Oteil.”

“Bob, shh.”

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