The Winter Olympics! The ice! The snow! The kimchi! This quaternary’s Olympiad is being held in Pyeongchang, South Korea, which is a city you had never heard of before and will never think of again, except to say “Didn’t they have an Olympics there?” The Winter Olympics are just as much fun as the Summer Olympics, if you’re Scandinavian, or just a way to fill the empty days in between the Super Bowl and Spring Training if you’re anyone else. Either way: they’re happening. Yay.
During the last Games in Rio–you remember that bacteria-plagued nightmare of a fortnight–TotD asked the important question: Could LeBron James, if given six months of preparation, medal in Olympic sports?
Now, because I ran out of ideas at least a year ago, here’s the Winter Olympics version of Could LeBron Medal?
Alpine Skiing “Alpine” is European for “Downhill.” They just mean normal skiing, not that freak bullshit on level ground. You have to slalom through sticks. Very few skiers employ the snowplow method of ski placement. LeBron could not medal, and would also have to get special skis and poles made.
Biathlon What did you call LeBron James? Oh, biathlon. That’s okay. But it is cross-country skiing, which is anathema to any red-blooded American. If the Lord (Jesus) had intended us to slippy-slide on the snow like little sissies, then He would not have invented the snowmobile. Jesus would enjoy the shooting part of the biathlon, though. If the rules were changed to allow LeBron to fire an AR-15 from a moving snowmobile like an arctic drive-by, then he could medal. Otherwise, not happening.
Bobsled LeBron James could absolutely win a medal in the bobsled, and there is precedent:
That’s Edwin Moses (two gold medals in the 400 meter hurdles, ’76 and ’84), Herschel Walker (running back for the Cowboys and Vikings, among others), and Willie Gault (wide receiver for the Bears and Raiders). The white guy steered. Bobsled races are won or lost in the initial run, so in 1992 someone had the bright to hire the fastest humans in the country and let ’em ride. LeBron is not as fast as Edwin Moses, and he might not physically fit in the sled, but I believe he could medal.
Cross-Country Skiing LeBron ain’t doing that shit. How many times does LeBron have to tell you? Damn.
Curling The hand-eye coordination game? Yeah, LeBron could medal. But he’s only gonna be the bowler or pusher or whatever you call the guy who throws the thingamabob. LeBron will not sweep.
Figure Skating LeBron ain’t about that shit. Daaaaamn.
Freestyle Skiing This some white person bullshit, and LeBron thinks it might in fact be a trap. No medal.
Ice Hockey Goalie. LeBron plays goalie. All 6’7″, 300 pounds of him. Pros: he’s the size of a barn. Cons: five-hole the size of a barn door. Would get knocked out by the Finns in the second round. No medal.
Luge LeBron James has massive arms with 8,000 muscles apiece on them, and he could paddle his way out of the starting block like a greased rocket, plus his weight will shoot the luge down the course at the speed of light. Medal.
Nordic Combined Okay, LeBron is getting tired of your mess. LeBron ain’t going nowhere near “Nordic” anything. “Nordic” sounds tiki-torchy as hell, and LeBron is not gonna be involved with all that. Pass.
Short-Track Speed Skating How many strides would it take King James to circumnavigate the track? Three? Gold medal is guaranteed.
Skeleton Skeleton is luge, but reversed: you’re on your stomach going headfirst. No medal here, as aerodynamics is paramount, and booty is not your friend.
Ski Jumping That’s it. LeBron is leaving. Ski jumping? What the fuck is with white people? Why they gotta fling themselves off shit? White person sees a tall building, a bridge, a mountain, and his first thought is “I wanna fling myself off that motherfucker.” LeBron James ain’t jumping off a goddamned mountain. LeBron is leaving.
Speed Skating LeBron? I think he really left.