Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: winterland (Page 1 of 5)

Casual Readers Should Quit After The Second One

Billy looks like a character in a Randy Newman song.

OR

Hey, Mrs. Donna Jean. Whatcha doing?”

“Ah’m wearin’ mah wizard robe, sugah.”

Happy New Year’s, ma’am.

“Bring mama her lime rickey.”

Yes, ma’am.

“Mama loves her a rickey.”

OR

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Phil and Jer are telling jokes and leaving me out again.”

Ah, no. That sucks.

“And, you know: I know great jokes. There’s the one about the bees.”

We all know the one about the bees. Does anyone in your organization have any plan to get the balloons off the stage?

“Huh. I, uh play guitar and do some singing. A bit of songwriting is also expected of me. That’s my whole portfolio. I am not involved with the logistical side of it.”

Sure.

“You should ask Precarious.”

Good idea. Precarious?

“Yo.”

Same question.

“No plan whatsoever.”

Thank you.

“Uh-huh.”

PRECARIOUS LEE EXITING THE SCENE NOISE

Oh, so that‘s what that sounds like.

“Not, uh, what you’re expecting. Different sound than you’d assume.”

Way different, yeah.

“It was my ringtone for a while.”

Nice choice.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I should take this; it might be Elvis Presley.”

That sentence is 100% true.

“Weir here.”

“HAIRY GARCIA, THIS IS ELVIS!”

“Oh, hey. Hold, please.

“Yeah, like I said: Elvis. Gimme a sec.”

Are you talking to me?

“Yeah.”

Why? That’s not how this bit goes.

“Right, but I didn’t want to be rude. Like, uh, Jer. And Phil. Mostly, I’m mad about Garcia ignoring me. Sometimes it’s nice when Phil ignores you, but it hurts when the Big Guy does it. And, uh, I didn’t wanna pass that rancorous sentiment down the line.”

How thoughtful of you. Thank you, Bobby.

“I’ll be back in two shakes of a wig’s tail.”

Sure.

“Elvis? You still there?”

“AH AM HERE, AN’ SO IS GRITS!”

“Grits?”

“AH HAVE ASSEMBLED A TEAM O’ KARATE-DOLPHINS. THIS ONE’S NAME IS GRITS.”

“Good name for a dolphin.”

“KARATE-DOLPHIN!”

“Team of what? Why?”

“TH’ KING WAS COMIN’ ON OUT TO BE YOUR HON’RABLE SECOND IN A KARATE FIGHT T’ THE DEATH WITH THAT HEWIS LEWIS FELLA. GONNA GET ALL UP ON THAT MAN THERE. AH’LL BE A SQUIRREL GETTIN’ A NUT.”

“Uh-huh. King, I gotta be honest with you: I do not pay attention to the bullshit around here in the slightest.”

“IT WUZ A STORYLINE.”

“I’m not doubting you, but I just care at the time, so I don’t remember now. Also, you know, the near-constant time travel has jumbled up all my memories. It’s like cut-up poetry up there.”

“NEVERTH’LESS, AH HAVE A PLAN TO HELP YOU REGAIN FACE. IN TH’ STREETS, WE CALL IT A GOOD NAME, BUT IN THE DOJO, IT IS CALLED FACE.”

“I’m familiar with the concept.”

“IN MAH HEART, AH AM ALWAYS IN MAH DOJO.”

“Ah.”

“SPEAKIN’ O’ WHICH: TURNS OUT DOLPHINS AIN’T PORTABLE. LEAST NOT ON LAND, THEY AIN’T. AH WUZ THINKIN’ OF ‘EM IN TERMS O’ WATER HORSES. AH MAHT HAVE TO TURN MAH PLANE, TH’ LISA MARIE, INT’ A FLYIN’ AQUARIUM LAHK IN THAT STAR TREK WHERE SPOCK STUCK HIS PECKER INNA WHALE.”

“I think I saw that one.”

“HAIRY GARCIA, AH WILL NOW CONFIDE IN YEW: MOST O’ WHAT AH USE MAH TIME CAPE FOR IS SEEIN’ FUTURE MOVIES. BEEN T’ EV’RY BATMAN MOVIE THEY GONNA MAKE.”

“Some of ’em were all right. I didn’t like the guy who did the voice thing.”

“NAW,  MAN. SOUNDED LIKE TH’ DING-DANG COOKIE MONSTER. AIN’T NO CRIMINAL SCARED O’ NO DING-DANG COOKIE MONSTER! SPENT THAT WHOLE DAMN MOVIE WANTIN’ T’ GIVE BATMAN A LAHZ’NGE! HAIRY GARCIA, WOULD YOU LIKE A LAHZ’NGE? AH C’N HAVE CHARLIE HODGE BRING YEW A LAHZ’NGE.”

“I’m all right.”

“CHARLIE HODGE GEN’RALLY BRINGS ME MAH SCARVES AN’ WATER, BUT HE COULD GET A LAHZ’NGE, TOO. WOULDN’T TAKE HIM BUT THREE OR FOUR TRIES. BOY’S DUMBER TH’N A DEAD CAMEL’S DICK. TOOK HIM A FULL YEAR T’ MASTER BRINGIN’ ME SCARVES, TH’N ANOTHER TWO T’ TEACH HIM WATER.”

“Y’know, you might want to have him tested by a specialist.”

“DOCTOR NICK HAS EXAMINED CHARLIE HODGE ON MANY OCCASIONS, SOMETIMES IN FRON’ OF ME AN’ THE BOYS.”

“Okay. Why?

“GETTIN’ MAH GOOF ON.”

“Cool. Gimme a sec.”

“WE STILL NEED T’ DISCUSS TH’ DOLPHINS!”

“Yuh-huh.”

“Ahem.”

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha and Elvis doing?

“Listen, man: you gotta make him a new friend. Let him bother Josh.”

Aw. come on. Elvis is great.

“He’s weird even for around here.”

He’s supposed to be: he’s Elvis.

Morning Shark, Dew Dew Duh Dew Duh Dew

Have we ever discussed the nadir of cool that were the Wall of Sound’s double-microphones? They are not making my pussy wet.

Dude.

What? I’m telling my truth: those gadgets are so gorky they make my puss drier than Christopher Guest’s wit.

Not okay.

Hey, man. I’m not PC.

It has nothing to do with PC. It has to do with making people queasy.

You know how dry my pussy is?

Stop it; I’m begging you.

My pussy is so dry that doctors used to tell the tubercular to move there.

I’m ripcording you.

What? That’s not AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

ploompf

I am genuinely sorry for that, folks. He’s been having health problems lately, and shouldn’t be trusted with an alphabet. I had to throw him out of the plane we were, for some reason, in. Enjoy the choogle and let’s just forget this happened, huh?

There’s Not Enough Question Marks For This One

The important questions, Enthusiasts. We concern ourselves with only the most vital of the day’s issues. Let lesser sites finger their rosaries over peace, war, coffee cups left on tables, et cetera. These are trifles. No, we’ll not be spending our ever-shrinking lives boodling about in the intellectual shallow end. We’re gonna get down to what’s really real, you and me.

And, thus, we come to our question: Did Phil yoink Bobby’s BMW shirt?

I told you it was important.

How Do You Live Like This?

A listing of all the shows at Winterland from ’66 to the wrecking ball. I think I posted it already, but I ain’t afeared of no Content Nazis.

An article on the history of men’s shirt collars. Far more interesting than you’d think, and of course it came about because of the Boardwalk Empire bingewatch. You need to see the men’s shirt collars on this program. They verge on gorgets. Gorgets!

Three Wikipedia pages: The P-Funk mythos; a surrealist play I’ve not read but liked the title of; and the Drake Equation, which I tried and failed to rewrite last week because my grasp on math is shitty even when I’m allowed to make up the numbers.

A real long article on The Charlatans. They were friends with the Dead and liked playing cowboy. Seriously: they walked around all day with vests and canes like they were Bat Masterson.

Turns out Cargo Cults, and the legend of John Frum, may be yet another Colonialist lie. Or at least a misunderstanding.

All of that was open in your browser?

Yes.

And yet you whine about never getting any work done?

Also yes.

C’mon (Up), Everybody!

Everybody’s favorite fun game: Spot The Fret-Eeze.

OR

Cipollina was the only one from that whole Summer of Love batch that actually looked like a Rock Star.

OR

Lee Oskar’s harmonibelt is not worse than John Popper’s harmonoliers. It’s not better, either.

OR

Precarious?

“Yo.”

Is everyone allowed on stage? There’s all sorts of randos creeping in from the corners.

“Uh-huh.”

Why?

“Modified work stoppage.”

You’re on strike?

“Nope. Just forgetting to do certain parts of the job. Like keeping randos off the stage.”

Why?

“Band and crew aren’t getting along. I don’t even remember the exact reasons. Started at a softball game, and Kidd crashed Mickey’s car, and then Phil liked this chick but Ramrod threw up on her. It’ll be good for us. Relationship’s gotta be re-balanced every now and again.”

Sure. How long until the randos start wandering out and hugging Garcia?

“It’s already happened. Why you think he’s ducking back there by the drum kit?”

Sure.

Skull And Closes

Precarious?

“Yo.”

Is that Cipollina?

“Yup.”

Why is Keith in the middle?

“Pizzazz.”

Seriously.

“One of the casters locked up while we were moving the piano. Just left it where it was.”

But Keith should not be in the middle. Especially not in 1978.

“We had to wheel him to the stage, too.”

I’m not shocked. Is that a skull?

“Where?”

Under the Perlstein.

“I think so.”

Why is it there?

“Sounds like a Mickey thing.”

Yeah.

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