You could run, Enthusiasts, and bike and swim, too. One foot at a time for mile after mile in a big circle, but the scenery in Virginia is nice; come back and do it the next day, and then the three after that. Five triathlons in five days: blisters the size of immigrants raise on your feet, and your armpits and crotch split and ooze, and the muscles in your shin peel away from the bone; but after those five days, you’ve accomplished something. There’s a certificate of completion, even.

Nature’s for animals, though, right? We are not animals: we are Americans and so we drive, sometimes from sea to shining sea. Cannonball it. The old race was started by a guy named Brock Yates, who later wrote the movie that made it famous, and Brock never trademarked the name, mostly because the race was 100% illegal. So a lawyer did, because that’s what lawyers do, and now there’s a new race. It’s better, and shinier, and totally legal. Same idea, but with concierge service and hashtags.

It looks like a real good time:

cannonball-douche cannonball-douche-2 cannonball-douche-thiel

In the Central Park zoo, there is a polar bear enclosure. Only one bear lives in it, because polar bears are terrible roommates; he’s lived there for years now. He is fed and taken care of; there is nothing for the polar bear to worry about any longer. There is a pool in the bear’s enclosure, surrounded by fake rocks and ice. The polar bear leaps off the rocks to the right of the water, swims to the other side, gets out, shakes his fur dry. Then he climbs back up the fake rock and does it again; he does it all day and has for years now, one lap at a time for mile after mile in a little circle.

Once you’ve eaten, and you’re sure of a roof over your head that night, then the rest is just another lap around the polar bear enclosure.