Like Amir told you before Donna Brazile replaced him on the ticket, Long Strange Trip will be doing a few screenings in selected cities this week. (“Selected cities” always means New York and Los Angeles, maybe San Francisco and Chicago. Milwaukee never gets selected.) If you’re in the area, you should go by and–and I cannot express how sincere I am in this request–ask Amir stupid bullshit. Here’s the sign-up for San Fran; here’s New York. I would suggest saving the truly dumb bullshit for New York, as he will be goofy from all the travel.
“TotD,” you argue. “I am not a creative dynamo like you. For example, I did not come up with Sleepy Batman. I don’t know what to say.”
And I would reply, Who the fuck told you that you could have dialogue?
“I just assumed–” you say, but I cut you off and…
…shoot you in the face. For those of you whom I did not shoot in the face, these are some good topics and questions to annoy Amir Bar-Lev with:
- Director’s Cut. (I would like to organize a flash mob to attend the Q&A and instead of singing or dancing, every single one of them asks about the Director’s Cut until Amir stabs someone.)
- Quantitative easing and its effects on the international currency markets.
- Has he ever met Kevin Spacey?
- 20-minute story about your first show/how your dog needs LASIK surgery, followed by an attempt to pass the hat around the theater.
- The plenty of youth, and the hardening of life’s winter.
- If you were forced to travel back in time and fight a member of the Algonquin Round Table, whom would you fight? (Difficulty level: cannot choose Dorothy Parker.)
- Bring some kitchen/household items with you to the screening and make Amir play Price Is Right-style pricing games with you.
- Demand to see his feet, begin screaming the N-word. (Quentin Tarantino only.)
- Do the silent letters in the word “doughnut” make you go “ugh?”
- Make him work out the problem with the river and boat and the fox and chicken and the wheat.
- “Didn’t I meet you in Vienna on a chilly Monday morning?”
- And if Amir answers…
- “You’ve got the weather right, but it was Tuesday in Munich.”
- …then he’s your contact; exchange the microchip for the bearer bonds and get to the safe house.