Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Technically, She Does Outrank Them

“Hey, Dubbs.”

“Yeah, BO?”

“Don’t call me that. Your dad okay?”

“Honestly? Not in the slightest. It’s pretty much a Weekend at Bernie’s-type situation now.”

“He’s, uhhhh, a great American. Fought for his country in the war. A lifetime of public service. A great man.”

“Yeah, I love my dad.”

“Can he, uhhhh, hear us?”

“His hearing comes and goes. Lemme see. DADDY! DADDY!”

“Nope, nothin’.”

“Pity. Rather talk to him than Preachasaurus over here.”

“We should stop invitin’ Carter to these things, man. Brings the whole ambulance of the room down.”

“The what?”

“You know: how everything’s feeling. The mood. The ambulance.”

“Never change, Dubbs.”

“Know what I just noticed, Barry?”

“Don’t call me that either.”

“Look at all o’ us sittin’ here. Straight backs. Smilin’. You imagine if You-Know-Who was here?”

“Yup. Man sits like he’s a gargoyle taking a shit.”

“It’s the posture I picture Elvis assuming in the hours before he checked into the Heartbreak Hotel. Readin’ one o’ his astrology books.”

“Sure, sure. I see him as the Elephant Man trying to blow himself.”

“No, they fired the guy who was tryin’ to do that.”


“Seriously, Dubbs, what the hell are we gonna do?”

“I gave a hard-hitting speech the other day.”

“Heard that. Very good. Direct. Sober. To the point without being personal. Quality speech.”

“You think it’ll help?”


“Dang. What if I get on Twitter? Roast him up a l’il bit?”

“Jesus, Dubbs, we’re trying to save the country from chaos and embarrassment. How does an ex-president and the current president getting into a Twitter beef help in any way?”



“I’m gonna memes him. Memes the crap out o’ him. He’s gonna see my memes and be like, ‘Whaaaa?’ an’ then I’m jus’ gonna throw more memes at him.”



“Holy shit, do not call me that. What is a meme?”

“Memes. Ends in a ‘S.'”

“You have no idea what memes are, do you?”

“Is it an acronym?”

“Hey! You boys talkin’ pussy over there?”

“No, Bill.”

“No, Bill.”

“Okay. Tell me when that’s the topic.”

“Sure, Bill.”

“Sure, Bill.”

“That, uhhh, man has run out of fucks.”

“Hillary losin’ the election freed him. He’s more viagra than president now. You hear about the fuck-planes?”

“Yup. And the fuck-boats.”

“Uh-huh. You name the terrain, Billy’s fuckin’ on it. I heard he’s gettin’ hisself a fuck-snowcat.”

“Like one of those research vehicles with treads that they use in Antartica?”



“Wants to fuck in it.”

“He’s enjoying his golden years.”

“Different strokes f’r different folks. I like painting. He likes fuck-planes.”

“God bless America.”

“You said it.”

“So, listen: I love Lady Gaga an’ all, but–”

“She won’t return my calls.”

“–we couldn’t get Beyoncé?”

“Leave it alone, man.”

“Gotcha, hoss.”


  1. Billy list of vehicles should include the “screw tractor”

    seen here,

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    October 23, 2017 at 11:27 am

    H Dub sure gotta a big plate of Pork Rinds.

  3. Doonesbury,
    I made the Miles chili this weekend. Turned out better than I expected. Would recommend. Next month is the Zevonchili!

  4. I’m behind the times………did you know Lady Gaga has a tattoo of Miles trumpet?

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