I will take the position, but not this position. TotD is not an “assistant.” I will not assist anyone with anything; in fact, I will be an active hindrance in all facets of the magazine’s production. As for “content,” well, I’m of the opinion that the contentivizing of thought is one of the more malignant threads of the Purge of Ideas that is the 21st century, so I will not make “content” for you. You may publish my 90,000-word short story entitled Cat People, which is about a terrible date that Natassja Kinski once went on, but as for content: the cupboard is both bare and contemptuous.
Also, New Yorker, I do not have “considerable” technology skills. I solve many, if not all, of my technological problems by whining until someone fixes them for me.
Despite these hiccups, I have decided to take the job.
I have demands.
- Seven bucks a word, and any word over four letters counts as two words. Any word requiring a trip to the dictionary is worth 3X.
- Speaking of words, they’re spelled “cooperate” and “naive” and they don’t require the stupid diaeresis, so if you goober up my gorgeous prose with those filthy foreign dots, I’ll burn down the office.
- Speaking of the office, I am not coming to the office. I would assume it is in New York. If your office is not in New York, then you are all enormous liars.
- NO cartoons anywhere near me. I’m gonna need a three or four page buffer on either side.
- I need to be sexually harassed. I need to be sexually harassed hard. Preferably, it would be by Ronan Farrow, but if Nick Paumgarten wants to grab me without asking, that’s fine. I will also require Amanda Petrusich to take me to a strip club and mock my discomfort.
- You fuckers got any merch? I’m gonna yoink a shitload of merch.
New Yorker, I await your reply and, more importantly, your retainer. (I will require a retainer.)
Tell Remnick “Happy Hanukkah” for me.
How much of this site is you trying to pick fights with periodicals?
A good twenty percent.
Do they ever take the bait?
Or hire you?
Good work, champ.
I’m a driver. I’m a winner.