Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Terrapin, Cross

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“Hey, Brent.”

“Hey, Bobby. Been forever.”

“Well, you know: whose fault is that? We have a time machine. You’re always welcome to come by.”

“Yeah?”

“Sure, of course, yeah. Would you wear the outfit?”

“Can’t really just walk around in 2016. I died a million years ago.”

“What about once you’re in the house?”

“Well, in the house I would just prefer to wear the suit.”

“Uh-huh. Is it comfortable?”

“It’s the real me, Bob.”

“Ah.”

“It makes sense: I’m slow, and shy, and get arrested a lot. Just like a turtle. I’m a turtle, Bob.”

“I think you’ve been fucking around with the Time Sheath too much and you’re going a little nuts, buddy.”

“That’s absurd and offensive. I am not crazy.”

“I’m a turtle.”

“Dammit, Mydland, you’re not a turtle. It’s just a suit. You’re a dead keyboardist with inexplicable access to a time machine. And also, you know: you’re getting a bit gamey.”

“That’s my musk. It attracts lady turtles.”

“Turtle foxes?”

“Hey, man: turtle or not, I’m still a rock star.”

“Sure, sure. Brent, can I talk to Lesh for a minute?”

“Of course.”

SIDLE SIDLE SIDLE

“Phil, uh, did you know Brent had gone nuts?”

“He’s not crazy.”

“He’s a turtle.”

“Oh, not you, too.”

“If a fully-defunct choogly-type keyboardist identifies as a turtle, then who am I to deny him his truth?”

“What’s your angle?”

“I’d have to pay a kid to wear the suit. Brent just thinks he’s a turtle that lives in my backyard: he’s free.”

“Being a business owner has changed you.”

“It’s all about the margins, man.”

“Are you feeding him?”

“I assume so. He’s still alive, isn’t he?”

“Where’s he going to the bathroom?”

SIDLE SIDLE SIDLE

“Mydland, I got a question for you.”

“Sure, Phil.”

“And don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not a liar.”

“I’m a turtle.”

“Fine, whatever: I want you to look me in the eye.”

“Okay, but my actual eyes are in the turtle’s neck.”

“Noted. Have you been pooping on the bocce courts?”

“Absolutely.”

“MOTHERFUCKER! Why!?”

“Enough with the fucking ellipses! You’re not a turtle, or you are a turtle, or I don’t give a shit! Stop shitting on my lawn! Use the toilet!”

“Toilets are for people, Phil.”

“YOU’RE A PEOPLE!”

“I’m a–”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“–turtle.”

1 Comment

  1. Two cows are in a field.

    One turns to the other and says, “So, whattya think about Mad Cow Disease?”

    The other replies, “What in the hell do I care? I’m a tractor.”

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