Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Terrapin Playstation

Readers with long memories (so: not my readers) will recall The Grateful Dead Game, which I will not link to out of fear of contamination. It is feculent and shoddy. Overseen by people who called computers “the machine,” it is the worst kind of Rapping Granny.

is this music worth preserving? Should it linger? Should these songs fill the air for another ten years? Another generation?

If the answer is ‘yes’, then the music–and the story of how it was made and what kind of country it was made in–must be sold. I believe that Grateful Dead music is like a 10-inch dong: any excuse to show it to the world is fine. We need to show how grateful our dongs are for the Grateful Dead! Who’s with me?!

Buddy?

Yes, friend?

Wanna get off the barricades for just this once?

It’s just so upsetting that an organization representing a group of men (and Mrs. Donna Jean) that did its best work in 1973 is so bad with the internet.

The Dead would be a great hook for a game. Open world, GTA kinda thing. Start off selling kind burritos, doses, and tuggers out on Shakedown Street. Quests to earn points, which come as little perforated squares that assemble themselves into a sheet of Felix the Cat blotter on the bottom of the screen. Earn a full sheet and level up; each level has its own historically great blotter-paper design.

You try to stay righteous and clean–meters for each thing, and if the former drops, no one will buy from you; if the latter drops, no one will make sex on you.

So you quest for stuff like a new air filter for the van, or putting bumper stickers on cop cars without being spotted. There are mini-games of hacky-sack and devil sticks and you’re having a great time when…

FIGHT SCENE! It’s you vs. the Nitrous Mafia. Their filthy Red Sox hats pulled low over their beady eyes, they encircle you, so you….push AA BB Up Up Down Down. (Or something. I do not actually play video games anymore.) But it’s a fight anyhow.

Assuming you’ve mashed the right sequence of buttons, you stand triumphant over the goons and all the hairy, dirty Deadheads cheer you.

CUT SCENE

You are now Squatch Johnson, an actual road manager for the Grateful Dead. From the early-morning load-in, to getting the band from the hotel to the show, to carding the underage daughters of politicians and judges, it’s all up to you to make sure the show actually goes on.

Is the fire chief being a dick about the regulations because he’s angling for a bribe or because he’s a dick? Can you keep Keith out of Garcia’s briefcase? Can you keep Garcia out of Garcia’s briefcase? All up to you.

And in the version for the Wii, you can play as Billy and punch dicks with the doohickey.

 

2 Comments

  1. Make sex on you?

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