Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thanks, Eh?

As all Enthusiasts know, TotD is a Canadophile, even though that is not a word. America is the luckiest country in the world, not just because it is the best country in the world, but because it shares a border with the second-best country. (And also Mexico, but let’s stay positive.) Canada is our snow toupee, our crown of timber and Tim Bits, our poutine halo. Canada is also between us and the Soviets, and that is nice of them.

Today is Canada Day, which is a day that celebrates Canada. I imagine it was named thusly:

“Hey, Gordie.”

“Yeah, Gordo?”

“Canada needs a holiday. What should we call it?”

“Canada Week.”

“Too long.”

“Canada Hour.”

“Too short.”

“Canada Day.”

“Right on. Call the lady who makes all the Canadian calendars.”

“Gorda?”

And so on.

Canada Day is, of course, the commemoration of the release of the first Rush album with Neil Peart. (The first one with John Rutsey on drums does not count, even though it does rock pretty hard.) The Toronto trio is a huge part of Canadian history: the Canadian Armed Forces were raised primarily to defend Rush against enemies foreign, domestic, or KISS.

But did you know that other great things came from Canada besides Rush? Here’s a partial list of what the world has to be thankful for on Canada Day:

  • Justin Trudeau’s hair.
  • Sarah Polley’s nose.
  • Finding it acceptable and even laudable to halt a sporting event so two men can punch each other in the face.
  • Excellent dog breeds that–as befits the stereotype–are competent and friendly, like the Newfoundland and the Labrador.
  • About a million lethally funny people, including the underrated Andrea Martin.
  • A Canadian invented the walkie-talkie and AM radio; the electric wheelchair and the car heater (that one makes sense); sonar and insulin; the paint roller and the pacemaker.
  • Canada Dry ginger ale and Yukon Jack potatoes are also from Canada, but you should have known that without me telling you.
  • The two most famous cups in sport come from Canada: Lord Stanley’s Cup, and the cup that protects your Yukon Jack potato salad.
  • (Although–and this is a mindfuck–the Stanley Cup is older than the cup, and not by a few years. First Stanley Cup was awarded in 1893, but the athletic protector wasn’t invented until 1927. Perhaps you are like me, and assumed that the hard cup was invented during the first hockey game ever played. You know: right after a guy took a slapshot to the upper five hole. How did men play hockey for 34 years without cups? There are only three options: Canadians from the past were tough, crazy, or dumb. Either they didn’t care about taking a puck to the dick, which is tough, or they relished taking a puck to the dick, which is crazy, or they hated the dick pucking but couldn’t figure out what to do about it, which is dumb.)
  • If Montreal and their bullshit was happening in America, the rest of the country would have antagonized them into a fight and then bombed their cities; Canada has not done that yet, and I do not believe will in the near future, so kudos to Canada for the sustained campaign of  patience, dialogue, and reasonable concessions.
  • Y’know who’s from Canada is that David Lemieuxlinrouge, and he’s a good egg.
  • As there is no Canadian cuisine, there are no Canadian restaurants, and therefore there are no foodie blogs about Canadian restaurants; for this, I thank you, Canada.

We end with the most Canadian photograph ever taken.

geddy lee mckenzie brothers

5 Comments

  1. Canada is North America’s Designated Driver. I speak for all people in “The States” (and possibly Mexico, but I don’t know) when I thank them for their service.

    We laughed about the Rob Ford thing, but after Trump, we take it all back. Sorry, eh?

  2. Strange Brew was a defining moment of my childhood. SCTV is still comedy gold. Thank you, Canada, for providing the best comedians.

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    July 2, 2016 at 12:52 pm

    Anne

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