Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

That Brave Young Man In His Flying Machine

jenkins hovercraft

“General, this is yet another terrible idea.”

“You know, Jenkins: if the Army could weaponize your whining, then we’d have no need for these contraptions.”

“Yes, sir.”

“The H-1 is the future of warfare. You can swoop in over Charlie and shoot at him.”

“You can do that in a helicopter, sir.”

“Not nearly as cool-looking, Jenkins. Viet Cong get one look at this thing and they’ll shit in their pajamas.”

“I’m pretty sure they’ll just shoot me down. After they stop laughing, that is.”

“Nonsense, Jenkins. The Asiatic is superstitious. Hell, they might surrender to you as a god.”

“The Viet Cong has an air force, sir. They are not savages in loincloths.”

“I’m not concerned with their underwear, Jenkins, and you shouldn’t be, either. Hearts and minds is what we’re after.”

“By shooting them from a hover-platform?”

“Right. Shoot them in their hearts, or shoot them in their minds. Best places to shoot someone. Ends the discussion immediately, and saves the taxpayer on bullets.”

“Can we discuss the technical shortcomings of the…what did you call it, sir?”

“The H-1.”

“The H stands for?”

“Hover.”

“And the 1?”

“First one.”

“I had no idea it was a prototype, sir. I thought the production models all came with duct tape holding them together.”

“Jenkins, damn your persnickety nature: that is not regular duct tape. It’s military-grade.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Price.”

“Sir, I reiterate: this is a terrible idea. I have twelve minutes of fuel.”

“You’ll attack like a cheetah.”

“There’s no armor.”

“Lightness is a weapon, Jenkins.”

“And it doesn’t go more than ten feet off the ground.”

“Of course not. If it went any higher, then that fruity little Air Force of ours would get their manicured mitts into it.”

“Of course, sir.”

“Low and lethal, Jenkins! In and out. The gooks won’t know what hit them!”

“Oh, sir. Can we not call them that?”

“I shouldn’t call the slopes ‘gooks?’ Why the hell not? I’m a white man in charge, and we’re in the past. I can call literally anyone literally anything I like.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now do a loop-de-loop.”

“Not possible, sir.”

“Barrel roll!”

“Nope.”

“Well, what does it do?”

“Putters unsteadily and slowly. And if you turn too quickly, you fall off.”

“How quickly is too quickly?”

“At all. If you turn at all, you fall off.”

“You’d better bone up on your map skills, Jenkins.”

“And it has no weapons, sir. It is a weapons platform with no weapons.”

“You’re the weapon, Jenkins! You’ll have a machine gun or something.”

“Oh, right. Yes. Here’s the thing about that: guns produce recoil.”

“Get to the point, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir: when you fire a gun from this thing while it’s in the air, it flies in the other direction. It’s almost as if the action produces an equal and opposite reaction.”

“I’m sure there’s a way around that.”

“Not in this universe, sir.”

“Well, is the blasted thing good for anything?”

“I can look down women’s blouses.”

“Oh? Room for two up there?”

“No, sir.”

“Then get the hell off. General’s going boobie-looking.”

“Yes, sir.”

1 Comment

  1. What did you say about the past?

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