Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?
“I’m-a doing science.”
Castle Gondolfo has a lab?
“We-a got everything here. Lab-a, pool-a, bocce courts-a.”
You got bocce courts, too?
“Si. Someone been-a pooping on them.”
That’s going around.
“I-a think Benedict is-a doing it. He’s-a bored.”
“He-a whine ‘I-a gotta nothing to-a do.’ You know-a what he got up-a to? Da Twitter!”
“Used to be-a da Pope, now he’s-a da troll. He-a call people cucks.”
“His-a avatar is-a da Trump.”
That makes a lot of sense from what I remember about the guy.
“Had to take-a his phone away. He start-a yelling about-a da First Amendment.”
I’m pretty sure the U.S. Constitution doesn’t apply to Popes.
“That’s-a what I say! So now he gotta no phone. What he do? Benedict, he goes out-a to da plaza. Take-a da picture with-a da tourist.”
Well, that sounds nice, actually.
“Then he-a shake them-a down for money.”
“He’s-a aggressive about it, too.”
Like those guys in Times Square.
“Si. Like-a da Fake Elmo.”
Not a good look for a former Pontiff.
“Then he-a try to sell-a his mix tape.”
This is outrageous, Your Holiness.
“Si, si. Plus, I-a think he’s-a up to shenanigans.”
What do you mean?
“When-a he walk through the crowd, he-a say, ‘Doses, doses.’ You know-a what that mean?”
Um, no. No, I don’t.
“I-a check Urban Dictionary or-a something.”
You really are a Pope for 2016.
“Except-a for my core beliefs, si.”