Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Ballad Of On-Again/Off-Again Celebrity Couple John And Katy

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Katy?”

“Hello?”

“Katy?”

“New phone. Who dis?”

“Katy, it’s me: your soulmate.”

katy perry banana phone

“Jesus?”

“No, but many people have described my personal philosophies as being close to that of the Christ.”

“Oh, hi, Josh.”

“You sound rough.”

“Out late last night. Orlando likes to party.”

“I’ve heard.”

“We got some poor people to do cocaine off of, but they were poor and we didn’t want to be near them, so we made them leave and then did the cocaine off each other.”

“Katy, he isn’t the man for you. He’s steering you down dark alleys.”

“Yes, and I love it! in fact, we played Batman.”

“We played Batman.”

“We–

“What’s Batman?”

“He puts on a mask and treats me like an orphan boy.”

“That’s just weird.”

“I was into it.”

“Katy, come back to me. I can’t eat, I can’t shop, I haven’t Instagrammed a picture of a watch in days. I can’t even dress myself anymore.”

“Josh, you never could.”

“No, it’s getting worse.”

john mayer sweater sad

“Oh, honey, you’re a mess.”

“I know! Come back to me and we’ll go to trunk shows together.”

“Is that a Stealthy?”

“Stealie. And, no. Turns out that if you use the lightning bolt without the skull then you don’t have to pay…don’t worry about it: let’s go to an island.”

“Coney?”

“No.”

“Staten?”

“That’s worse.”

“Plum?”

“And there’s rock bottom. No: somewhere with beaches and mai-tais.”

“It’s never just mai-tais with you.”

“YOU’RE MAI TAI.”

“That doesn’t make sense on the page.”

“They know what I mean.”

“Who knows, Josh?”

“Never mind. Please be my girlfriend.”

“No.”

“Tugger?”

“No.”

“Nudes?”

“One. One nude.”

“Butthole?”

“We’re done.”

1 Comment

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    March 6, 2016 at 2:39 pm

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